NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have another TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Schiavo Dies
Terri Schiavo has finally died. Now if people want to see a woman slowly dying on TV, they'll just have to watch Paula Zahn's show on CNN.

Coroner's Exam
Terri Schiavo's body is now being examined by the Pinellas County Coroner. He's expected to find that Schiavo died of malnutrition after being repeatedly raped by the news media and religious leaders.

Bush's Reaction
President Bush is expressing sadness at the death of Terri Schiavo. Now he won't have Michael Schiavo's decision to pull the plug on his wife distracting everyone from noticing that Mr. Bush is pulling the plug on Social Security.

Jeb's Statement
Despite Schiavo's death, Florida Governor Jeb Bush says her parents legal efforts to keep her alive were "not in vain." That's because thanks to them, most of America finally understands that we are being governed by and idiots cowards.

Motorcades Arrive
A van with police escorts is arriving at the hospice where Terri Schiavo died to take her body to a funeral home. That van is followed by several other vehicles being used to transport each demonstrator to street corners across from abortion clinics all across America.

Koppel Going
Ted Koppel has announced he is leaving ABC. Luckily for the network, it still has Koppel's hair under contract for another 15 years.

iPod Thefts
New York police are reporting a rash of iPod thefts on the subways. Luckily subway service delays have been so common, most victims have plenty of time to steal them back.

iPod Safety Tips
Police are advising New Yorkers to keep a strong grip on their iPods while riding the subway. The only other way to stop them from being stolen is convincing the thief that your iPod only plays Ashlee Simpson albums.

Boy Scout Official Porn
A former top official at the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with downloading child pornography from the Internet. Investigators say they started to suspect something when he insisted on scheduling last year's Boy Scout Jamboree at the Neverland Ranch.

Johnnie Cochran Dead
Famed defense attorney Johnnie Cochran died yesterday at the age of 67. Doctors say the cause of death was a brain tumor, but O.J. Simpson says he won't rest until he finds the real killers.

Top 5 Things to Watch Out for if You're on a "Minuteman" Volunteer Border Patrol

5) If the illegal aliens are too fast for you to catch them at the border, you should still be able to find them a few days later at Wal-Mart

4) Try not to confuse the desperate Mexicans streaming North across the Texas border with all the desperate former Enron executives streaming South across the Texas border

3) Try to interrogate captured illegals yourself, but with the toughest cases, get some help from Lou Dobbs

2) When arresting illegal aliens, make sure you confiscate all their drugs, weapons, and gardening tools

1) Before going on duty, make sure someone is holding your place in line for the next Star Wars movie

Frat Porn
Cal State University at Chico has suspended members of a fraternity for holding a party where a hard-core sex film was made. The school is disciplining the students, not because they had the party, but because they didn't invite any professors.

Berkeley Laptop Stolen
Police in Berkeley, California are looking for the person who stole a laptop computer that contains information on everyone who applied to or attended UC-Berkeley between 1976 and 2004. The only kind of person who could possibly want that information is a Democratic Party fundraiser.

Jets Quack?
A new report shows that the team doctor for the New York Jets may not be a real doctor. This comes two months after the Jets found out they don't have a real kicker.

Falwell Sick
The Rev. Jerry Falwell is in critical condition at a Virginia hospital. Doctors insist he's suffering from viral pneumonia, but insiders say Falwell is just trying to grab some of that Terri Schiavo publicity and sympathy for himself.

Jacko Ruling
Despite strong objections, the judge in the Michael Jackson case will allow testimony about past allegations of child abuse against the pop star. This could establish a pattern of misconduct, destroy Jackson's credibility, and help us all figure out what the Hell happened to Macaulay Culkin.

Iraqi Government Chaos
The Iraqi General Assembly is in chaos as the elected leaders cannot form a coalition government. But American Congressmen are rushing to the Iraqis' aid by loaning them some of the highly-paid lobbyists who always tell them what to do.

Top 5 Ways the Iraqi General Assembly Can Regain the Public's Confidence

5) Convene a series of hearings on steroid use in Major League Baseball

4) Propose new plan to defeat insurgent bombings with risky private investment accounts

3) Drop everything and find a brain-damaged patient's case to butt into

2) Hire expensive consulting firm to decide whether they should get a 5% or a 15% pay raise

1) Bring on the interns!

No Tsunami
Despite yesterday's 8.7 magnitude earthquake in Southeast Asia, so far, none of the signs of a massive tsunami are apparent --- the beaches are quiet, animals are calm, and MSNBC's ratings still suck.

Colorado Jury
Colorado's highest court is throwing out the sentence of a man who was given the death penalty because jurors consulted the Bible while reaching a verdict. The justices ruled that the only place where it's okay for people to use scripture to make bad decisions is the White House.

Greenberg Out
AIG is severing all ties with CEO Hank Greenberg as he remains under investigation for fraud. AIG shares are tumbling on the news as Wall Street is worried the insurance company won't find a new role model to show the employees how to cheat and steal.

Sleep Deprivation
A new study shows that most Americans aren't getting enough sleep. But doctors the problem won't get any better until we put someone else in the White House.

Ethics Scares
More banks and brokerage firms are firing employees for even minor ethics lapses in hopes of avoiding prosecution. Luckily, all the fired executives are finding jobs in Washington.

Laura Goes to Afghanistan
First Lady Laura Bush is on her way to Afghanistan to oversee programs aimed at granting women more civil rights in that country. Mrs. Bush's biggest piece of advice for women who want to be independent is not to marry a Republican.

DeLay's Dad
It turns out Congressman Tom DeLay pulled the plug on his own father 16 years ago, even though the House Majority Leader has been calling Michael Schiavo a "murderer" for trying to do the same thing. But DeLay insists he wanted to spare his dad the excruciating pain of seeing him become the nation's leading hypocrite.

Schiavo Easter
The good news for the religious zealots praying for Terry Schiavo is that she was given a drop of communion wine for Easter yesterday. The bad news is it was given to her by Michael Jackson.

Jacko Ruling
Prosecutors want jurors in the Michael Jackson case to see evidence from the 1993 child molestation civil suit against the pop singer. But defense attorneys say that case isn't relevant because Jackson has replaced all of his body parts at least twice since then.

Jacko Interview
During a phone interview on Jesse Jackson's radio show yesterday, Michael Jackson said the two men now have something in common because they're both Black leaders who have been persecuted. But that statement is being refuted by critics who point out that Jesse Jackson is no longer a leader, and Michael Jackson is no longer Black.

Top 5 Excuses for Not Making the Final Four

5) Players stayed up too late lining up to watch "Miss Congeniality 2"

4) Coach went a little too far with motivational tools he picked up at Abu Ghraib

3) Team was too pre-occupied with midterms and grad school applications to focus on silly things like sports

2) Players just can't shoot, pass, or dribble... oh wait, that's the excuse they use in the NBA

1) At least by losing they can finally get those cheerleaders to shut the hell up

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Jeb Bush Schiavo
Florida Governor Jeb Bush is still trying to gain legal custody of the brain-damaged Terry Schiavo. But experts say no court will grant him custody until he shows he can take better care of his brain-damaged brother George.

Pope Appearance
Pope John Paul II did make a brief appearance before the faithful at Saint Peter's Square this Easter Sunday. The event delighted Catholics, Protestants, and everyone in Vegas who took the 2-1 odds that the Pope would show.

Fewer Teen Workers
A new report shows that fewer teens than ever are working part-time jobs in New York City. That means if you really want to get rude and incompetent service these days, you have to take a cab.

Bad Math
New York State is likely to recall thousands of math textbooks that are filled with mistakes. But the recall is being delayed by legislators in Albany who are finding the books very helpful as they work to screw up another state budget.

Schiavo-Bush Approval
In the wake of his actions in the Schiavo case, President Bush's approval ratings are at an all time low. But by trying help a brain dead person, the White House insists the President is just catering to his core support base.

Bush's Push
The Bush administration remains desperate to stop Terry from dying. That's because even though she has no cognitive function, the White House still thinks she could do a better job investing her own Social Security money.

Schiavo Rejections
Terry Schiavo's parents have now gone to 22 state and federal courts seeking to reinsert her feeding tube. They've been unsuccessful each and every time, which means they finally know what it's like to be Democrats.

Top 5 Signs Your CEO is about to be Fired

5) Asks accountants to fudge earnings reports by using only roman numerals

4) At the last executive meeting, he nominated his gardener, mistress and childhood imaginary friend to the board of directors

3) Can't make any decisions without getting advice from that blonde woman and the old dude from "The Apprentice"

2) Only corresponds with other employees on X-rated chat boards

1) Earnings are falling, share prices are at an all-time low, morale is dead... oh wait, these days that's how you know your CEO is about to get a bigger bonus!

Kyrgyzstan Looting
Amid the political chaos in Kyrgyzstan, looting has broken out. Most looters are desperately looking for vowels.

Smith Reward
Ashlee Smith has received $70,000 in reward money from the FBI and the state of Georgia, after she helped them finally find the Atlanta courthouse shooter. But that's nothing compared to the $700,000 she's getting from CNN for helping them finally find some decent ratings.

Dinosaur Find
Scientists have discovered the fossils of a Tyrannosaurus rex in Montana, including some soft tissue. An examination showed
the 70-million-year-old dinosaur's blood vessels were virtually indistinguishable from those of Supreme Court justices and U.S.
Senators.

Newsday Alert!!! I have TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

AND FOR MY JEWISH READERS... be sure to pick up the latest edition of The Jewish Week, where you can find the Purim Spoof section that I contributed to. Here is the link to the online version: Purim Spoof

Supreme Court Rejection
The U.S. Supreme Court has just decided not to hear the Terry Schiavo appeal. The court says it doesn't want to get involved at this point, and is too busy considering the appeal for another re-vote on "American Idol."

Schiavo Custody
Florida Governor Jeb Bush is pushing for a plan that would give the government legal custody of Terry Schiavo. Of course there already is a branch of the government that has legal custody of most Americans... it's called the IRS.

Schiavo Poll
A new poll shows that 87% of Americans don't think members of Congress really care what happens to Terry Schiavo. But the other 13% who thought they do care mistakenly thought Schiavo was a hot new intern.

Kyrgyzstan Protest
Protesters in the central Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan have seized the former Soviet republic's seat of government and forced the country's longtime president to flee his office. The demonstrators are demanding democracy, jobs, and a new name for their country that's easier to pronounce.

NYC Super Bowl
The NFL has officially chosen New York City as the site of the 2010 Super Bowl. The league felt the city was the perfect place for the game because of its hotels, restaurants, and large number of women willing to show their boobs for the halftime show.

Top 5 Ways New York City is Preparing for the 2010 Super Bowl

5) Mayor's office trying to find seats for all the Giants and Jets players... since there's no chance they'll actually be playing in the game

4) Police preparing attractive, yet unimportant, alternate target for terrorists... like Staten Island

3) Hookers meeting to agree on uniform price hikes

2) Broadway producers quickly putting together musical version of "Friday Night Lights"

1) All subway riders being issued protective helmets and cups

Gap Replaces Parker
Teen British singer, Joss Stone will replace Sarah Jessica Parker as the new face of The Gap ad campaign. The company says it wanted to use someone who actually is 17 years old, as opposed to Parker, who only acts likes she's 17 years old.

D.A. Outburst
Los Angeles County District Attorney Steve Cooley says his office had a great case against actor Robert Blake and the jurors who acquitted him are "incredibly stupid." But legal experts say Cooley's fatal mistake was picking jurors who were all from Los Angeles.

Whitney Houston Rehab
Whitney Houston has again checked into a rehabilitation facility. Upon hearing the news, Pat O'Brien immediately propositioned her to join him and a nurse in a threesome.

Curious About Me? Here's my picture and profile from The Fake News! Jake's Picture

Bonds Out
Slugger Barry Bonds may miss the entire season with a knee problem, but he's blaming the media for his injury and fatigue. His baseball career may be over, but Bonds does have a promising future as a right-wing radio commentator.

Top 5 Real Reasons Barry Bonds May Miss the Entire Season

5) Lugging all those needles and syringes on the road is a drag

4) Wants to spend more time with his family... and insult them

3) 15 years of using steroids means he needs time to rest... and find a new liver

2) Taking season off to relax will boost sales of the new "Barry Bonds Aromatherapy Massage Parlor" chain

1) Hoping to replace that dude who dropped out of "American Idol"

Schiavo Scotus
Terry Schiavo's parents are now taking their appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. Experts say their chances of winning are stronger there, not because the high court is more conservative, but because at least five of the justices are also unable to walk or eat on their own.

Schiavo Condition
Religious groups fighting to keep Terry Schiavo alive insist there are many signs that she is not brain-dead. She smiles, laughs, and is doing a lot better in the NCAA Tournament pool than everyone who picked Kansas or UConn.

Schiavo Desperation
The continuing focus on Terry Schiavo's condition is making huge numbers of Americans angry and afraid. But at least the reporters covering the Michael Jackson case will probably feel better when they get the spotlight back next week.

Blake Interview
In an interview with Barbara Walters, Robert Blake refused to speculate about who killed his wife. But he did say he would like "to thank them very much."

Jets Bids
The New York Jets have made a $720 million bid for the land where they want to build a new stadium, but despite the huge cost, their chances are still seen as a long-shot. At least the team's owners finally know what their fans feel like when they buy season tickets.

Top 5 Things the MTA Will Do with the $720 Million Bid from The New York Jets

5) Hire goons to intimidate growing number of unionized subway rats

4) Hire guys from "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" to repair one subway station staircase in 7 days, as opposed to the 6 years it currently takes

3) Hire more lawyers to fight for next round of fare hikes

2) Pay scientists to resurrect long-dead man who was the last one who understood how the subway system works

1) Add employees, improve safety, and boost cleanliness... at the home of every MTA board member

Subway Fire
A subway fire in Brooklyn snarled service for hours yesterday. But luckily no was hurt because several homeless subway riders quickly put out the flames by peeing on them.

Schiavo Effect
The Terry Schiavo case is convincing more people to make sure their life and death wishes are made clear. For example, while President Bush took his usual nap yesterday afternoon, 100 million Americans signed a "Do Not Resuscitate" request with his doctor.

Schiavo Latest
Experts say that without her feeding tube, Terry Schiavo can still last another three to seven days... and the cable news networks' higher ratings will last another five to eight days.

Top 5 Reasons Michael Jackson is Sick all the Time

5) Plastic body parts still warped from all the rain in California last month

4) Keeps insisting on riding his roller coaster 5 times a day before it gets repossessed

3) Bubbles gets abusive when he isn't fed on time

2) Hoping he might accidentally get admitted to a children's hospital

1) LaToya's been on TV a lot more lately

Baseball Greases Congress
Even as Congress threatens to regulate the sport, a new report reveals that Major League Baseball made cash donations to various Congressional campaigns last year. The estimated total contribution was $216,788... or the cost of taking a family of four to a game at Fenway Park this season.

Spam Counterattack
IBM has a new device that can actually return all spam emails directly to the sender. But the only person in the world who could possibly use all those free Viagra offers is Bill Clinton.

National Guard Age Limit
The National Guard is raising the maximum age for recruits by five years. But it's not clear whether this was done to boost the Guard's waning numbers or to give Americans a place to go after the Bush Administration abolishes Social Security.

Bush Fans Confusion
Polls of Bush supporters attending his speeches on Social Security show the overwhelming majority of them are still confused about his plan. The surveys confirm what we already knew -- people who support President Bush are easily confused.

Fed Rate Hike
Alan Greenspan and the Federal Reserve are expected to raise interest rates for the seventh straight time today. Greenspan says the latest hike will keep inflation down, buoy the stock market, and finally convince middle class Americans that nobody actually gives a damn about them.

Check this site out! HumorLinks

Schiavo Bush
President Bush says he signed the bill sending Terry Schiavo's case to the federal courts, because he wanted "to preserve life." He also says he wants to get back to more important matters, like preserving the death penalty.

Top 5 Reasons Congress Might Already Regret Intervening in the Terry Schiavo Case

5) Schiavo has regained consciousness... and declared she's a lesbian

4) Great, now all Americans think they have the right to food and water!

3) They've saved her life, but now they have to cut her Social Security benefits

2) Religious voters may start thinking they can get anything they want... like gas for less than $3 a gallon

1) Now they all have to go to church on Sunday instead of "visiting" their interns

Sign Language Town
Several families in Salem, South Dakota are trying to make it a town for deaf people only, with sign language as its official language. Of course, there already is a town for the deaf-only... it's called Washington, D.C.

Top 5 Real Ways State Lotteries Help Public School Kids

5) New scratch-off game: Find three cherries... get an "A" in history!

4) Buying Lotto tickets gives high school grads a 1-in-218,000,000 chance to afford college!

3) The more money the students spend on lottery tickets, the less they have for cigarettes!

2) Blowing all their allowance on hopeless lottery games helps elementary school prepare for a lifetime of being ripped off by the government

1) Playing Lotto regularly helps train them for inevitable job at 7-11

DeLorean Dead
Car designer John DeLorean died this weekend at the age of 80. As a man who once tried to sell cocaine to finance his business, DeLorean will be remembered as the most ethical auto executive in American history.

NYPD Overtime
New York City Police officers racked up a record $160 million in overtime payments last year. With all that extra work, it's going to be hard for most cops to get second jobs as hit men for the mob.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Schiavo Compromise
Congress has reached a compromise agreement in the Terry Schiavo case. The Congressmen will continue to do whatever they can to provide for her health care and feeding, and in return they will continue to do nothing for every other American's health care and feeding.

Schiavo Breakthrough
Congressional reaction to the Terry Schiavo case has helped Americans without health insurance finally figure out how to get decent government sponsored health care -- all they have to do is pretend they're brain dead with a spouse who wants to pull the plug!

Schiavo Politicians
Members of Congress insist their concern for Terry Schiavo's medical care isn't hypocritical. The politicians say they really want all Americans to get this level of care... it's just that in Schiavo's case, the health care insurance lobbyists aren't paying them to look the other way.

NCAA Shockers
Perennial powerhouses Kansas and Syracuse both suffered shocking losses in the NCAA Basketball Tournament last night. If they had known they were going to lose anyway, the coaches could have recruited some players who can read.

Female Imam
A female professor led an Islamic prayer service with men and women in attendance in New York City last night. Muslim leaders admit the woman has courage, spirit, and about three days to live.

McGwire's Mum
During yesterday's Congressional hearings on steroids, former slugger Mark McGwire refused to say whether he ever took performance-enhancing drugs. But he really angered the committee when he did talk for an hour about how to fix Social Security.

McGwire's Tears
Mark McGwire choked back tears during much of his testimony yesterday. Man, steroids really do make you more emotional!

McGwire's Discomfort
McGwire wouldn't say whether he injected himself repeatedly with steroids, but he did need several seat cushions and was unable to sit for longer than 15 minutes at a time.

McGwire's Friends
McGwire also told the Congressional committee he wouldn't discuss steroid use because he "didn't want to hurt his friends." Which means someone should really tell Mark McGwire that Barry Bonds is not his friend.

Wolfowitz Contacts Bono
As he prepares to take over the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz consulted with U2 lead singer Bono yesterday. Wolfowitz emerged with a new plan to provide all the world's poorest people with food, shelter, and yellow-tinted wrap-around sunglasses.

Bush's Travels
President Bush will continue traveling the country talking about Social Security because he says the American people don't yet realize that there's a crisis. If they did, they sure as Hell wouldn't have voted for him!

Cell Phone Porn
Companies that send pornographic images to picture cell phones are expected to make $5 billion this year... meaning now you'll have to ask that annoying guy using the phone next to you to quiet down AND zip up his pants.

Oil for Food
A former United Nations monitor of the oil-for-food program in Iraq told a congressional committee yesterday that large amounts of aid never reached the Iraqi people. Not really because of corruption, but because Kirstie Alley was in charge of most of the supplies.

Brittany's Denial
In an interview in Jane Magazine, Brittany Murphy denies allegations that she needed to use cocaine to lose weight. But she did admit she needs to use cocaine to get through an issue of Jane Magazine.

King Deal
Larry King has signed a new deal to stay on CNN through the year 2009.... which is surprising since Larry King died four years ago.

Jackman Tony's
For the third year in a row, Hugh Jackman will serve as host of the Tony Awards. It's a risky gambit in hopes of finally getting some gay men to watch the show.

Blake's Complaint
After being found not guilty of murdering his wife, Robert Blake complained about the cost of the trial saying, "If you want to know how to go through $10 million in five years, ask me." Of course, Blake could have saved a lot of money by hiring a cheaper lawyer or a better hit man.

Newsday Alert!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday


Top 5 Things to Expect in Today's Steroid Hearings on Capitol Hill

5) Commissioner Selig's tearful admission that steroids failed to bulk up his hairpiece

4) Rafael Palmeiro getting excused from hearings in return for handing out free Viagra

3) During difficult moment in the questioning, Curt Schilling will intentionally bean three Congressmen

2) Jose Canseco will help himself to most of the committees' interns

1) Sammy Sosa will be discovered to be using a corked lawyer

Baseball Survey
According to a new survey, 35% of Major League Baseball players believe that records set by players who are suspected of using steroids should be marked with an asterisk. The other 65% actually don't know what an asterisk is.

St. Patrick's Celebrations
This Saint Patrick's Day is also the first day of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. That means that by late afternoon, there will only be about 3 sober men in all of America.

FDNY St. Patrick's Day
Dozens of New York City firefighters are fuming over a new rule banning them from wearing green berets this Saint Patrick's Day. But considering all the sex scandals the FDNY has endured in the past year, the city should just be grateful the firefighters are willing to wear anything at all.

Blake Acquitted
Former actor Robert Blake has been acquitted of killing his wife. Prosecutors blame the verdict on the judge, jury, and the fact that they could never get as much press coverage as the Michael Jackson or Scott Peterson trials.

Blake Acquitted II
Roberts Blake's acquittal is actually not entirely good news for the former actor. At least if he were in jail, he'd have a good excuse for not getting any work in Hollywood.

Schiavo Case in Congress
Now that the Florida Supreme Court has ruled in favor of removing Terry Schiavo's feeding tube, House Republicans are pushing for a bill to block the procedure. For some reason, the Congressmen really identify with a brain-damaged person who doesn't appear to be able do anything.

Jacko's Open for Business
Michael Jackson's spokesmen say the pop star's trial hasn't scared kids away from his Neverland Ranch, and there are thousands of requests from people wanting to take children there. But they do admit most of those requests are coming from parents with lots of credit card debt.

Accuser's Stories
The accuser in the Michael Jackson case says he didn't tell his teachers what Michael Jackson did to him because he feared being ridiculed by his classmates. But his plan backfired, as his classmates instead made fun of him for not being good enough to be molested by Michael Jackson.

Italy Leaving
Italy announced this week that it would begin pulling its 3,000 troops out of Iraq later this year... bad news for all those who hoped the insurgents could be defeated by a series of heated arguments.

Cronkite's Wife
Legendary CBS News Anchorman Walter Cronkite's wife died yesterday. Her death came just days after he told CNN he should have replaced her with Bob Schieffer years ago.

Super Bowl in the City
The NFL could select the proposed West Side stadium for the Jets as the host of the 2010 Super Bowl, but only on the condition that the stadium is ever built. Meanwhile, the Jets could actually play in the Super Bowl one day, but only on the condition that they get a coach who doesn't suck.

Da Vinci Attack
The archbishop of Genoa says no one should read or buy "The Da Vinci Code" because it is full of historical lies... clearly infringing on the Bible's copyright on historical lies.

Iraq Assembly Convenes
Iraq's new democratic national assembly convened for the first time today. Following American tradition, the representatives immediately voted themselves a pay raise.

Ebbers Effect
With the conviction of Bernie Ebbers, CEO's are being scrutinized more than ever. That means that the only place a person can get away with breaking the law and losing billions of dollars is the White House.

Homeland Security Warning
The Department of Homeland Security says a major terrorism disaster is most likely to occur at a sporting event... which means the only people really prepared are Mets fans.

Top 5 Ways Terrorists Plan to Attack a U.S. Sporting Event

5) Send 50 drunk Red Sox fans to the Yankee Stadium bleachers every night

4) Put 50% more salmonella than there already is in every Dodger Dog

3) Get MTV to produce another Super Bowl halftime show

2) Remove all alcoholic beverages from parking lot at University of Tennessee football games

1) Destroy American economic productivity by orchestrating elaborate betting pools on college basketball tournament... oh wait, we have that already!

Wolfowitz World Bank
President Bush has named the Pentagon's war architect, Paul Wolfowitz, to lead the World Bank. Bush says there's no better person to rebuild the world's poorest countries than a guy who helped destroy them in the first place.

Baywatch Protest
Former Baywatch actress Alexandra Paul was arrested at the GM plant in California after leading a protest against the company. Fellow cast member Pam Anderson was also at the GM plant that day, but only to have her airbags checked.

Hughes New Job
President Bush has named his close advisor, Karen Hughes, to help improve America's relations with the Arab world. It's an excellent choice, because everyone knows how much Arabs like and respect women in power.

White House Videos
The Justice Department has ruled that the Bush White House's long-standing practice of sending ready-made video news packages to TV stations across the country is appropriate, as long as they present factual content about government programs. So from now on, the White House is going to have to start producing videos with factual content about government programs.

Top 5 Reasons Harvard President Larry Summers Lost the Faculty No-Confidence Vote

5) Wouldn't join faculty in this year's prank toilet-papering of the Yale campus

4) Lonely professors blame him for not admitting enough "hot freshmen chicks" this year

3) Only wears tweed twice a week

2) Since he took over, Middle East Studies professors getting 34% less Saudi money to bash America & Israel

1) He's not quite full of himself enough to lead Harvard

Johns on Display
Men in Oakland, California, who are caught soliciting prostitutes, will have their pictures placed on bill boards and bus shelters. Usually, you only see pictures of men who solicit prostitutes on election posters.

New Robot
Hitachi has introduced the "Emiew," which they claim is the world's quickest moving robot. Actually, the world's quickest moving robot is Laura Bush whenever she flies on Air Force One.

Billy's Boozing
Billy Joel's publicist has announced that "following a recent bout of severe gastro-intestinal distress, Billy has checked himself into a rehabilitation facility for alcohol abuse." Let's hope Joel realizes he just paid his publicist big money to tell the world that he got drunk and threw up.

Ebbers Guilty
Former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers has been found guilty of engineering $11 billion worth of accounting fraud. He could get up to 85 years in prison, millions in fines, and several offers to host a reality show when he gets out.

Beirut Demonstration
Police estimate that a quarter of Lebanon's entire population turned out to an anti-Syrian demonstration in Beirut yesterday. The only way to get a quarter of the U.S. population to show up for anything is to have a casting call for "American Idol."

Top 5 Real Reasons Mario Vasquez Quit American Idol

5) Realized all his fame would vanish as soon as the media gets more pictures of Martha Stewart petting her horses

4) Refused to go on until Simon Cowell put an undershirt under that see-through sweater

3) Competition is forcing him to miss too much of the Michael Jackson trial

2) He's already slept with Paula Abdul anyway

1) Worried he'll fail random American Idol steroid tests

Oral Risk
A new study says tongue piercings and lip rings can seriously increase your risk of infections, and tooth loss... but not as much as dating someone with tongue piercings and lip rings.

Vin's New Movie
Vin Diesel says the dialogue in his upcoming movie "Hannibal the Conqueror" will be entirely in the ancient languages of Aramaic, Iberian, and Carthaginian. Which means in this movie, Vin Diesel will actually be slightly easier to understand than usual.

New Peter Pan
Geraldine McCaughrean will write "Captain Pan," the first authorized sequel to J.M. Barrie's classic "Peter Pan." The story will feature Peter Pan's realization that it really is better to grow up, especially if you're a boy at the Neverland Ranch.

Madonna's Kabbalah Advice
A source says Madonna has been coached by her Kabbalah advisers that now would be a good time to get back into acting. And that same source says that everyone else in the Kabbalah movement has been advised to avoid going to the theater from now on.

Condi Back to School
Condoleezza Rice says she wants to return to academia in 2008. She plans to go from the White House to an expensive University, where she'll trade tutoring one rich dumb kid for tutoring a bunch of rich dumb kids.

New Jersey Nice
A new resolution is under consideration in New Jersey that would encourage residents to join "a campaign toward civility, kindness and respect to all." Everyone who doesn't join is being invited to "screw off!"

Italian Parole
An Italian prison has launched a rehabilitation program in which inmates make and sell their own wine. Apparently, Italians like their ex-cons drunk and snobby.

Gooden Arrested
Former Major League pitching great and current Yankees spring training coach Dwight Gooden was arrested for punching his ex-wife in the face Sunday morning. Finally, a major league baseball player who's doing something to take our minds off the steroid scandal!

Top 5 Changes You'll See in Major League Baseball this Year

5) Yankee Stadium will host Bat Day, Hat Day, and Syringe Day

4) Before running the bases, home run hitters will be required to sign affidavit promising they're steroid-free

3) Several games will be called due to rain, lightning, and Congressional subpoena

2) Instead of paying for his autograph, Barry Bonds will give your family a free set of insults before every game!

1) The Mets will still suck... but now they'll be sucking steroid-free!

New Work Week Begins
Millions of American executives returned to their offices this morning, and started the business of making the tough, big-money decisions... and after they finish filling out their NCAA Basketball tournament brackets, they'll probably get to work.

New Disney Chief
Newly-selected Disney CEO Robert Iger says protecting the company's assets will be his top priority when he takes over in September. That means his first job will be to bar Michael Jackson from visiting DisneyWorld.

Top 5 Reasons Robert Iger was Named New Disney CEO

5) Offered to wash Michael Eisner's car three times more often than all of the competing candidates

4) Only Disney exec who's actually bothered to visit crappy "California Adventure" theme park

3) Offered to hook up board members with all the hot chicks from "Desperate Housewives"

2) Once rode "Escape from Witch Mountain" 11 straight times without barfing

1) Threatened to publish nude drawings of Mickey, Minnie & Goofy if he didn't get the job

Daschle's New Job
Former South Dakota Senator Tom Daschle has joined a Washington, D.C. law firm, where he will work as a public policy advisor. Daschle says he wants to offer his expertise, learn from seasoned attorneys, and do whatever he can to avoid having to go back to South Dakota.

Rod Stewart Engaged
60-year old Rod Stewart finally got down on one knee yesterday and proposed to 33-year old girlfriend Penny Lancaster. The couple will be married as soon as Stewart finishes physical therapy for his now-injured knee.

Rod Stewart Engaged II
Stewart and Lancaster say they plan to have kids. Until they do, Lancaster can practice for motherhood by changing Stewart's diapers.

National Anthem Ignorance
A new report shows fewer and fewer Americans know the words to the "Star Spangled Banner." Experts blame parents, schools, and the fact that it's getting too expensive to go to Major League Baseball games.

Jacko's Debts
Court records show Michael Jackson is $300 million in debt and may be close to bankruptcy. Michael should be used to it since he's been morally bankrupt for 20 years.

Jacko Delay
Michael Jackson was an hour and 40 minutes late to court yesterday. Jackson apologized to the judge and promised that the next time he's late, he'll send R. Kelly as his opening act.

Top 5 Things Overheard as Michael Jackson was Rushing to Get to Court in Time

5) "I knew we shouldn't have let Bubbles drive"

4) "I guess we don't have time to eat at Chuck E. Cheese's"

3) "Uh oh, I left my spare nose at home"

2) "Just keep circling the block until I finish reading this issue of Barely Legal"

1) "Follow that school bus!"

Ikea Instructions
Responding to accusations of sexism, Ikea says its instruction manuals depict only men so as not to offend Muslims who may be angered by pictures of women doing manual labor. Luckily, the company says it continues to have no trouble making instructions that are completely impossible to follow for people of all sexes, races, and religions.

Doublemint Twins
Wrigley is bringing back the 1960s-era Doublemint Twins in its TV Ads. The gum maker says the advertising icon will remind Americans of a more innocent time, which will last until pictures of the twins having sex with each other inevitably surface on the internet.

Super Bowl Scalp
Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice has admitted to scalping some of the 12 tickets to the Super Bowl given to him by the NFL. Tice is expected to be punished severely by the league, which could even force him to continue coaching the Minnesota Vikings.

NYPD Mobsters
Two retired NYPD cops are accused of also working as hit men for the mafia while they were on the force, earning up to $4,000 a month on the mob payroll... although in New York, that's only about $2,000 after taxes.

Election Truce
Two Democratic candidates for Mayor of New York have agreed not to attack each other during the primary campaign, which is only slightly less shocking than their promise not to make fun of Staten Island.

Steroid Subpoena
Members of Congress investigating the baseball steroid scandal say they've had to subpoena the athletes because they've been waiting too long for the star players to respond to their requests for action. Well, now they know what it's like to be a Mets fan.

Top 5 Reasons Congress is Forcing Baseball Stars to Testify at Steroid Hearings

5) Maybe if they focus on how easy it is to get steroids, people will forget how hard it is to get prescription drugs

4) Hey, it's no dumber than banning gay marriage

3) The House committee needs a few ringers for the spring softball league

2) All their top campaign donors want the Congressmen to get them Sammy Sosa's autograph

1) Talking to a bunch of overpaid idiots makes them feel at home

Next on the Agenda
After Congress finishes looking into Major League Baseball's alleged condoning of steroid use, Capitol Hill insiders say they're planning to investigate NASCAR for allowing speeding.

Jacko Accuser
Michael Jackson's teenage accuser says the pop star led him to engage in underage drinking, and then coached him on how to talk to TV interviewers. Hey, isn't that how George Bush got started?

Harvard Hackers
Harvard Business School is rejecting 119 applicants who hacked into a website to learn whether they were accepted. Harvard barred those applicants from coming to the business school because by hacking a restricted web site and breaking confidentiality rules, it's clear they already know how to succeed in business.

Tsunami Change
President Bush says the U.S. response to last year's tsunami in Asia has changed opinions about America in parts of the Muslim world. Right... now they know that we don't really hate them, we just don't care about them.

Homeless Count
Over 2000 volunteers in New York hit the streets this week to help count the homeless. It's a tough job because the city is full of people who just look homeless, like Michael Moore and Liza Minnelli.

Toys R Us Bids
An investment firm is offering $5 billion to buy Toys R Us from its current owners. It would have offered more, but none of the batteries were included.

Infrastructure Report
A new report by the American Society of Civil Engineers gives that country's infrastructure an overall grade of D. We would have gotten an F, but thankfully they gave us partial credit for all the bridges that were only half-collapsed.

Top 5 Ways Dan Rather Plans to Sign Off on his Last Show Tonight

5) Challenge Peter Jennings to a fist fight

4) Remove pants, moon bloggers

3) Conduct "imaginary interview" with President Bush's now-deceased National Guard commander

2) Shock viewers by boasting that "Cronkite couldn't carry my jock"

1) Say graceful farewell, then chain himself to set

Bankruptcy Laws
Republicans say making it harder to declare bankruptcy from credit card debt will teach everyone in America a lesson about responsibility. But if they really wanted to promote responsibility, they'd stop the banks from sending everyone in America 100 credit card offers every month.

Iran Weapons Intelligence
A new report says American intelligence about Iran's weapons programs is "inadequate to make reasoned judgments"... and that's just the way the White House likes it.

Bill's Heart
President Clinton announced yesterday that he will undergo minor heart surgery later this week. The announcement came just in time for all the cable news networks, who were desperately looking for another unimportant story to replace the Martha Stewart coverage.

Ed's Fall
Ed McMahon was hospitalized last week after falling and suffering a mild concussion. He was apparently close to death, but snapped out of it when he realized that as soon as he dies and goes to Heaven, he's going to have to start kissing Johnny's ass again.

Dog Report
A new report says the average cost of taking care of a dog in England is $38,000... but enough about all the money Britain is spending on Camilla's wedding dress.

Kennedy for Kerry
Senator Ted Kennedy said last week that he would again back John Kerry for President in 2008. But he may have just said that because Kerry was buying him drinks at the time.

Homeland Entertainment
The Department of Homeland Security has hired former actress Bobbie Faye Ferguson to advise Hollywood about movies that portray the nation's homeland defenders. Sadly, her hiring came too late to save much of America from seeing "The Pacifier."

Top 5 Reasons the Hezbollah-Ordered Pro-Syria Rally in Lebanon Had Such a Good Turnout

5) Let's see, go to a protest or blow yourself up... not a difficult choice

4) Only movie playing in Beirut is "The Pacifier"

3) It's not everyday Arabs get to bash the United States... oh, wait yes it is

2) Free iPods!

1) Hezbollah hacked Paris Hilton's cell phone and just called all the men she's slept with this year

New Amazing Race
A new family edition of "The Amazing Race" will allow children as young as 8 years old to compete. On the first episode, each family will face the challenge of racing out of the Neverland Ranch before the kids find their way into the bedroom.

New Drug
Studies show the new drug Atorvastatin is showing promising results to the doctors who one day hope to win the fight against cholesterol... but it shows even more promising results for the lawyers who one day hope to sue the makers of Atorvastatin.

Bolton Nominated
Critics say President Bush's decision to nominate tough-talking Undersecretary of State John R. Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the UN is a spit in the face to Europe. But President Bush says if he really wanted to anger the Europeans, he would have nominated Michael Bolton.

Mistaken Shooting Coverage
Most of the American news media is vowing to investigate the shooting of the just-freed Italian journalist in Iraq... except for FOX News, which is just bragging about how great it is that U.S. soldiers can hit a fast-moving target from so far away.

Pope's Easter Schedule
The ailing Pope will lead an Easter Sunday blessing at the Vatican, but he is delegating most of his Holy Week duties to others. Cardinal Camillo Ruini will preside over the Palm Sunday services, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger will lead the Easter vigil, and this year the traditional gay-bashing will be conducted by Rush Limbaugh.

No Minimum Wage Hike
The GOP-controlled Senate has voted down a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage for the first time since 1996. Republicans say it would be hypocritical to improve wages for lower class Americans while they're working so hard to eliminate Social Security benefits for middle class Americans.

No Minimum Wage Hike II
Many American business owners are breathing a sigh of relief now that the Senate has blocked a Democratic proposal to raise the minimum wage to $7.35 an hour. But the Republicans insist they're not cold-hearted; in fact they're now offering a counter-proposal that would force most employers to raise wages for their illegal immigrant workers to $7.35 a week!

No Minimum Wage Hike III
The Republicans insist raising the minimum wage would discourage employers from hiring new workers. So, in another attempt at helping businesses overcome annoying government regulations, the GOP is now looking to eliminate the existing laws against child labor and slavery.

Top 5 Ways to Supplement Your Minimum Wage Income

5) Call the White House and tell them you're an aspiring right wing radio host

4) After you get off work at McDonald's, auction "secret sauce" recipe to highest bidder

3) Spend a weekend at the Neverland Ranch

2) Get menial job at local pharmacy, then sell stolen flu vaccine to desperate elderly people

1) Just give up and join the military... (so THAT's how the White House is going to boost recruitment)!

Tut's Cause of Death
Archaeologists have completed their CT scan of King Tut's mummy and concluded that he probably died of an infection that wasn't treated in time. That's because in ancient times it took even longer to transport those cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

Bush Speech
During a speech on the War on Terror today, President Bush told the crowd that "history is changing quickly," which is good for him since he never bothered to learn any of the old history in the first place.

Top 5 Things Martha Stewart Will Do at Work Today

5) Set just the right tone by beating new CEO Susan Lyne to a bloody pulp in the boardroom

4) Fire the PR staff; the news media is giving her all the free publicity she needs!

3) Show off her new knitted ankle bracelet cozy

2) Introduce new "Orange Jumpsuit Casual Wear" line to Kmart

1) Launch plan to boost company stock price... by committing three more felonies

Boeing Guy Fired
The CEO of Boeing has been ousted for having an affair with another Boeing employee. Apparently in the airline industry, it's only okay to screw your customers.

BTK Killer Upset
Accused BTK killer Dennis Rader is reportedly suffering from depression. He's upset that after going to the trouble of killing all those people, all his publicity is getting stolen by Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart.

Mistaken Shooting
The attack on the Italian journalist's car in Iraq is highlighting some long-held cultural differences between the U.S. and Italy. For example, the U.S. army says the car was speeding, while Italian drivers don't actually consider going 100 miles per hour speeding.

Top 5 Other Shows Showtime Will Air After "Fat Actress"

5) "Horny Congressman"

4) "Anorexic Actress,"... (oh wait, that show is already being done on every other network)!

3) "House-Arrested Celebrity"

2) "Paid-Off Radio Commentator"

1) "Dumb President"


Hagel's Plan
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel wants to boost the age when retirees can get Social Security benefits from 65 to 71, saying people are living and working longer. But actually, the only people over 71 in America with a decent job are members of the U.S. Senate.

Cablevision Dispute
Cablevision may pull Mets and Knicks games off the air for hundreds of thousands of its customers. After blocking the city's Olympic bid and standing in the way of a new West Side stadium, it's obvious Cablevision is finally trying to do something nice for New York.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Bush & Clinton Courtesy
During their flights to visit the Tsunami-ravaged countries in Asia, former President Clinton gave former President Bush the jet's lone bed to himself. For some reason, Clinton said he was more comfortable in the stewardesses' lounge.

Bush & Clinton Courtesy II
During their flights to visit the Tsunami-ravaged countries in Asia, former President Clinton gave former President Bush the jet's lone bed to himself. It was only right, since Bush gave Clinton the whole White House 12 years ago.

Syria Pullback
Syria is planning to begin its withdrawal from Lebanon by first sending its 14,000 troops to the Bekaa Valley. That's where the soldiers will get re-trained, prepare for re-deployment, and get about 50,000 keys of hashish as a parting gift.

Mistaken Shooting
The U.S. says the attack on the car carrying the just-released Italian journalist was a terrible mistake. The Pentagon insists it only authorizes attacks on CNN journalists.

Al Zarqawi Pictures
CNN has just obtained new pictures of the most-wanted terrorist in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Well, they actually had the pictures yesterday, but they had to show America the more important pictures of Martha Stewart petting her horses first.

Safest Cars
Consumer Reports has just come out with its ratings for 2005 cars. The magazine says the safest cars are the Honda Odyssey, the Ford Focus, and anything not being driven by Billy Joel.

Martha's Movements
Martha Stewart is being issued an ankle bracelet so authorities can track her during her house arrest. But if they really want to keep tabs on her every more, they can just watch CNN.

Martha's Lessons
Martha Stewart says her time in prison taught her some "life-altering lessons." And by that she means she's learned several new ways to abuse her employees and family.

Pentagon Reaction
The Pentagon is reportedly eyeing the Martha Stewart situation very carefully. With the news media squarely focused on her every movement; this would probably be a good time to abuse some prisoners in Iraq & Guantanamo.

Top 5 Reasons the Media is So Obsessed with Covering Martha Stewart

5) So far, even the dumbest anchormen can all pronounce her name correctly

4) It's not like there's a war on or anything... is there?

3) The fact that one rich White woman went to a cushy jail for 5 months proves our justice system truly is color blind

2) It's either cover easy stories like this, or figure out that whole Social Security thing

1) If we pay close enough attention, we may get some hot stock tips!

Social Security Fight
Despite his weak poll numbers on the issue, President Bush is vowing to keep fighting to fix Social Security. But experts say he probably won't have any success until he can find a way blame the problem on gay marriage.

New EPA Chief
President Bush has named Stephen Johnson to head the EPA, making him the first professional scientist to head the agency. Actually, the most surprising thing about Johnson getting to run the EPA is not the fact that he's a professional scientist, it's the fact that he's not a professional criminal.

Jobs Report
The U.S. economy added an impressive 262,000 jobs in February. But it's only because most of the nation's gas stations now need more help adjusting the prices higher on their signs.

Leno Gag Order
Jay Leno is asking the judge in the Michael Jackson case to tell him if a gag order stops him from telling jokes about the case on his show. But the only thing really stopping Leno from making jokes about the case is the fact that he's no longer funny.

Top 10 REAL Changes at CNN (with apologies to Dave Letterman, who did this topic Tuesday night, but it's not as good as this)

10) Bowing to ridiculous new "storytelling" directive, Chad Myers is ditching daily forecast for reports on "where weather comes from"

9) Jack Cafferty now allowed to punch out Bill and Soledad every time they say something stupid

8) Aaron Brown now 13% less condescending!

7) Bob Novak and Paul Begala now conclude each edition of "Crossfire" with a nice big hug

6) Paula Zahn's breast cancer special now airs four times a day instead of three

5) Rick Sanchez leaving to take over Will Ferrell's role in "Anchorman 2"

4) Lou Dobbs now forces his staff to patrol the Mexican border on weekends

3) "Headline News" now has absolutely no headlines and no news

2) Anderson Cooper to feature new hair color every week!

1) Larry King producers now looking to get some viewers under 90

Fossett Crisis Management
After a "fuel supply scare," millionaire Steve Fossett is expected to complete his around-the-world solo flight later today. Experts say Fossett made the right decision to use tail winds to overcome the fuel problem, instead of taking the Bush administration's advice to invade Iraq.

Fossett's Records
Steve Fossett was also the first man to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon. Either he's the gutsiest adventurer around, or he just has the world's largest bladder.

Martha's Release
Even though she's not scheduled to be released from prison until Sunday, Martha Stewart will probably get out of jail tomorrow. Prison officials say the other inmates have all suffered enough.

House Arrest
Martha Stewart will still have to serve another 5 months of house arrest at her estate in upstate New York. Martha will actually need all that time alone to safely count the extra money she's made since she went to prison.

House Arrest II
While not being able to go on trips or even visit her offices, Martha Stewart will still be able to do the things she enjoys most during her house arrest. That includes cooking, gardening, and yelling at people over the phone.

BTK Fired
The Wichita City Council fired the accused "BTK killer" Dennis Rader from his city job today, citing his "failure to show up for work or call in sick" since his arrest. The rest of the nation's serial killers are taking this as a warning to do all their murdering on their own time.

BTK Church
The accused BTK killer's church is not throwing Dennis Rader out or relieving him of his leadership position. The church's pastor says while there's clear evidence Rader tortured and killed several people, he still hasn't done anything really terrible, like support gay marriage.

NHL Buy
The Boston firm offering to buy all of the NHL's 30 teams for $3.5 billion says it's making the bid to "protect the interests of its other investors." Apparently. those other investors are dentists and barbers who specialize in the "mullet."

10 Commandments Case
The U.S. Supreme Court is hearing arguments today on whether it's legal to display the 10 Commandments in government buildings. But the court's decision to take the case represents a conflict of interest because most of the justices were there when the 10 Commandments were first given.

Top 5 Reasons Not to Display the 10 Commandments in Government Buildings

5) Most politicians don't actually know what "thou" means anyway

4) Commandment against perjury doesn't say anything about taking the 5th

3) Somebody might bring up that annoying "Thou Shalt Not Murder" commandment every time they vote for a war

2) Politicians won't follow the commandment against adultery unless it specifically mentions interns

1) Displaying "Thou Shalt Not Steal" in a government building? Talk about a waste of time!

Syria's Pledge
Syria is promising to withdraw its troops from Lebanon as soon as it figures out what to do with those 30,000 soldiers currently manning the occupation. Usually when Syria needs to reduce the size of its armed forces in a hurry, it just declares war on Israel.

Martha's Underlings
Two top officers at Martha Stewart Living have resigned just as Martha is about to be released from prison. Of course, the highly-paid executives can afford to quit; the rest of Martha's employees can only prepare for her return by stocking up on helmets and anti-depressants.

Martha's Money
In the 5 months since Martha Stewart went to jail, her company's stock price has almost tripled. That may not seem logical, but just think how much the U.S. economy would improve if we put President Bush in prison!

Big Tax Cheat
Aeronautics entrepreneur Walter Anderson has been charged with cheating his way out of paying a record $200 million in personal income taxes. Experts say Anderson will definitely get prison time, fines, and the Republican party's nomination for President in 2008.

Halliburton Probe
The Justice Department is looking into whether Halliburton executives rigged bids for construction projects by conspiring with other companies. And by "other companies" they mean the White House, the Pentagon, and the Vice President's office.

Chaney Controversy
Critics are demanding that Temple University basketball coach John Chaney resign after he admitted to sending a player into a game just to break an opponent's arm. Chaney may be finished in college basketball, but he has a future as a prison commander in Iraq.

Jackson Trial
In opening statements, prosecutors said Michael Jackson served his 10-year old accuser alcohol and showed him gay porn. But Jackson's attorneys say he was only preparing the boy for a career as a right wing White House correspondent.

Jackson Trial II
Defense attorneys said the mother of Michael Jackson's accuser had previously tried to get money from other celebrities, including Jay Leno. They say the woman gave herself away as a con artist when she told Leno he was funny.

Jackson Trial III
While describing what he called the mother's "scam," defense attorney Thomas Mesereau said Michael Jackson simply failed to "smell the ruse" like the other celebrities she targeted. But that's probably because Michael Jackson doesn't really have a nose.

Fossett's Flight
Millionaire pilot Steve Fossett is attempting the first solo non-stop flight around the world today. If successful, he'll also become the first air traveler to actually spend more time on the plane than the security line since 9/11.

Palestinian Conference
Britain is hosting a one-day international conference aimed at ending Palestinian financial corruption and reducing terror attacks against Israel. Of course they could do that all in one fell swoop by taking the Palestinian officials' limousines away and making them ride the bus.

Oscar Ratings
Ratings for Sunday's Academy Awards show were down 5% from last year. But that's only because if most Americans wanted to see a bunch of ridiculously-dressed celebrities, they'd watch the Michael Jackson trial.

Social Security Battle
As he continues his fight to change Social Security, the White House says President Bush is "just beginning to educate the public." But I thought the "No Child Left Behind" act was supposed to eliminate incompetent teachers!

Winter Storm
Sanitation workers and cops are overwhelmed again today as New York is digging out from another snow storm. You don't usually see this many debilitated city employees in March unless it's St. Patrick's Day.

New Passion
A new version of "The Passion of the Christ" is coming to theaters for Easter. This time, the movie won't blame the Jews for Christ's death... it'll blame the gays.

BBC Show
A new BBC reality show forces contestants to face conditions similar to those in Guantanamo Bay, including physical torture, sexual humiliation, and sleep deprivation... kind of what it feels like just to watch "Fear Factor."