Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Jerry's New Gig
Jerry Hall will be the new spokesperson for Bayer Health Care; encouraging men to confront erectile dysfunction. It's a strange choice, since one of the biggest causes of erectile dysfunction is Jerry Hall.

Bush Speech
In a major speech yesterday, President Bush vowed to keep U.S. forces in Iraq until the people there can live a prosperous and peaceful life. The speech was definitely convincing as thousands of Hurricane Katrina refugees have now decided to move to Iraq.

Bush Speech II
President Bush says he will declare victory in Iraq when we see the strengthening of democratic institutions and adequate local security forces... then he might look into getting those things for the Unites States too.

Top 5 Signs of Victory in Iraq

5) We find just one Iraqi who doesn't want to kill us

4) FOX News Channel starts putting "Victory in Iraq" banners over every story... oh wait, they do that already!

3) Every Iraqi getting food, shelter, and an iPod Shuffle

2) ExxonMobil stock selling at $250 per share

1) They take the "X" off Dick Cheney's face

IRS Accuracy
A new report shows the IRS is more accurately answering taxpayers' call-in questions than ever before. But that's because instead of answering specific queries, they're just telling every caller, "hey, you're screwed."

Sharp Move
Airport security screeners are going to let passengers bring sharp objects on board airplanes again. So now you'll have something to stab yourself with while you stand on the security line for six hours.

Las Vegas Sports
The Mayor of Las Vegas is trying to lure a major league team to the city. But honestly, if the legalized gambling and prostitution haven't lured a pro sports team there already, nothing will.

Cruise Scolded
The American College of Radiology is criticizing Tom Cruise for buying his own sonogram machine to look at his unborn baby, saying that he could be putting the child at risk. But if I were that fetus, a little excess radiation would be the least of my worries.

SPECIAL ALERT!! I have another full-length humorous editorial in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

No Milestone
Robin Lovitt, the man scheduled to become the 1,000th person executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976, was granted clemency yesterday by Virginia Governor Mark Warner. So Lovitt gets to live, but now he won't win the free car and groceries.

"X" Factor
CNN is still taking flak for airing video of Vice President Dick Cheney with an "X" over his face. The network is denying it was intentional, and that it really wanted to use a circle with a line through it.

Daredevil Charged
Alain Robert, a daredevil known as the "French Spider-Man," who was arrested for trying to climb a Houston building, says police mistook his anti-seizure medication for illegal drugs when they charged him with possession last week. You know, if I were an epileptic daredevil, I think drug charges would be the least of my worries.

Congressman Going Up the River
After admitting to taking in bribes from defense contractors in return for certain favors, California Congressman Randy Cunningham may get up to 10 years in jail. Funny, after President Bush started a war in Iraq for defense contractors, he got four more years in the White House.

Top 5 Things Congressman Randy Cunningham will Learn in Prison

5) In prison, a "defense contractor" is a huge guy you give cigarettes in return for protecting you in the shower

4) The guys in prison are a little higher class than the folks in Congress

3) Nothing really goes with orange

2) He might want to leave room in his cell for Tom, Scooter and Karl

1) Now, HE'S the intern

McDonald's Robs Wendy's
A man named Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for holding up a Wendy's restaurant in New Hampshire. MacDonald's friends say they knew it would come to this after he started spending so much time with the Hamburglar.

McDonald's Robs Wendy's II
A man named Ronald MacDonald has been arrested for holding up a Wendy's restaurant in New Hampshire. MacDonald says he wasn't looking for cash; he was just hoping to grab some of Wendy's heart pills.

Geisha Grumbles
Asian critics are blasting the new Steven Spielberg-produced film, "Memoirs of a Geisha," because the main Japanese characters are actually played by Chinese women. This is the most controversy Spielberg has faced since it turned out E.T. wasn't played by a real alien.

Made in Mexico
It turns out the uniforms of the US Border Patrol are made in Mexico... of course that's where our immigration policies are made too.

School's In
On Monday New Orleans opened its first public school since Hurricane Katrina hit the city. There, students in the "intelligent design" science classes learned why God hates them.

Rod's a Dad
Rod Stewart, 60, and his wife Penny Lancaster, 34, gave birth to a son this weekend. Immediately after the delivery, Stewart began harvesting the boy's organs for himself.

New CPR Guidelines
The American Heart Association has unveiled dramatic changes to its emergency CPR guidelines, making it easier and less intimidating for would-be rescuers. The American Bar Association is matching that by making it easier and less intimidation to sue that would-be rescuer.

Nick's New Role
Nick Lachey will star in a new sitcom in which he'll play a baseball player trying to navigate a new marriage. Critics believe it will be during this venture that Lachey will realize that no one wants to see anything he does if it doesn't include Jessica's breasts.

Xbox Problems
Many of the first people to buy the new Xbox 360 are returning the videogame systems because of crashes and glitches. The biggest glitch is that the more you play it, the more you become a loser.

A new survey reveals that Seattle is the nation's most literate city. And for the fifth year in a row, the nation's most illiterate city is Crawford, Texas.

Scotus Abortion
The Supreme Court will hear arguments today over whether doctors should have to notify a pregnant teenager's parents before performing an abortion. Pro-Life groups say "yes," Pro-Choice groups say "no," and the doctors just want to know where to send the bill.

Clooney's Little Car
George Clooney has bought a new Tango T600, a two-seat electric car that measures only 39 inches wide by 8 and 1/2 feet long. He'll have to return the car when he realizes it's not big enough for his ego.

Simple Life 4
E! announced this week that it will air the fourth season of "The Simple Life" and will use a new format that will allow feuding stars Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to both be on the show, but have no contact with each other. The idea comes from the people managing the Hillary and Bill Clinton's marriage.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Scotus Collapse
A part of the marble facade fell off the Supreme Court building in Washington Monday morning. By noon, commercials were running on cable urging President Bush to replace the facade with a more conservative structure.

Bush Immigration
President Bush wants to issue special temporary visas to illegal aliens that will allow them to work here for three years. Too bad there aren't any Americans who can find a job that will still be there in three years.

Immigration Demand
Several right wing groups are urging President Bush to start talking tough about the lax enforcement of immigration laws. But when it comes to wanting someone who will talk tough to immigrants, it's usually better to ask Barbara Bush.

Top 5 Real Reasons President Bush Wants to Grant Amnesty to Illegal Aliens

5) They're too busy working to protest his Iraq policies

4) He identifies with their inability to speak English

3) They don't ask for ridiculous things like public education and healthcare insurance

2) He remembers what it was like when he was poor and without connections... just kidding!

1) Some aliens are really funny, like Mork and that guy from "My Favorite Martian!"

Saddam's Beefs
Saddam Hussein had a heated exchange with the judge in his trial yesterday, complaining that he has to walk up four flights of stairs to the courtroom, is mistreated by his guards, and that he doesn't have any of those hot lawyers from "The Practice" on his defense team.

Alias Ending
ABC announced this week that the Jennifer Garner show "Alias" will be canceled at the end of this season... which is weird, because that show was over two years ago.

Retail Figures
The good news for retailers is that American consumers spent an estimated $27.8 billion in the post Thanksgiving weekend. The bad news is $26 billion of that went for gas.

Bush Blinders
A new report says that President Bush will not acknowledge bad news about Iraq even from top military officials. But the article does say he recognizes gloomy news when it's told to him through Puppet Theater.

Best Reps
Many pharmaceutical companies are hiring former college cheerleaders for their sales teams. Mostly because they're known for their athleticism, enthusiasm, and showing their underpants.

Bush at the Table
According to a survey by an online-sports gambling site, the world leader most people would like to play poker with is President Bush. Mostly because he's a lousy bluffer and doesn't hog any of the beer.

Canadian Government Falls
Canada's government has fallen now that Prime Minister Paul Martin has lost a vote of confidence. The news is shocking most Americans, who weren't even aware that Canada ever had a government.

Armed and Crazy
Gun control advocates are complaining that mentally ill Americans aren't barred from buying firearms. But if we stopped the mentally ill from buying things, who would line up outside of Wal-Mart at 3AM the day after Thanksgiving?

Top 5 Signs You Spent Too Much this Weekend

5) You know how to trample your fellow shoppers without getting caught on the store's surveillance camera

4) You've been asked to interview for a job as President Bush's budget director

3) The employees at your local Wal-Mart are asking YOU to give them healthcare insurance

2) When you go home, you stand at the foot of your staircase for 15 minutes before you remember it's not an escalator

1) After you get your next credit card statement, the next time you go to the mall you'll be working there

Clark for the Defense
Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark, who worked under President Lyndon Johnson, is joining the Saddam Hussein defense team. But since Hussein is accused of torturing people, shouldn't he try to get a lawyer from the Bush administration?

Lego Thief
A 40-year-old man from Oregon has been arrested after police say he stole $200,000 worth of Lego sets from stores across the Pacific Northwest. The suspect was easy to spot; he was one driving the battery-powered red, yellow and green car that was shaped like a box.

Potter Still #1
The new Harry Potter movie is still #1 at the box office, despite the fact that this film is darker and scarier than the others. But most fans still find this movie less frightening than spending any more time with their relatives this weekend.

France Snow
An unexpected blizzard this weekend in Paris has paralyzed the city. The biggest problem is that French rioters are finding it impossible to set the snow-covered cars on fire.

Morita Dies
"Karate Kid" star Pat Morita has died at age 73. He was a true pioneer, best known for becoming one of the first Japanese-American stars, and being the only actor in Hollywood who could pretend to respect Ralph Macchio.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Wal-Mart Stampede
Paramedics rushed to help a Michigan woman injured during a stampede at Wal-Mart on "Black Friday." Of course, it was Wal-Mart, so the woman had to pay for her own medical care.

Wal-Mart Stampede II
Once again, someone was trampled at a "Black Friday" sale at Wal-Mart. Of course. the victim was given medical care, but she would have been treated by better doctors had she been injured at Target.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Top 5 Tips for Successful Christmas Shopping

5) To keep your kids from slowing you down by visiting Santa, tell them it's Michael Jackson under that costume

4) If a fellow shopper is trampled, call for help first and THEN swipe their bags

3) Lighten your load by buying the one thing in every store that's actually made in America

2) To make sure you get the really best bargains, go shopping with Winona Ryder

1) Avoid the rush and declare bankruptcy now

Nick and Jessica Split
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have finally called it quits on their marriage. Nick is taking it well; especially since he's been awarded custody of Jessica's breasts

Billy's Goal
During an interview on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show," Billy Joel said he's trying to record a new album. Apparently, his biggest challenge is driving himself to the studio every morning.

Richardson Comes Clean
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has admitted he was never drafted by a Major League Baseball team, as he had claimed for years. This is likely to hurt his chances for the presidency, since American voters only like candidates who lie about silly things like wars, terrorism and the economy.

Brown's New Job
Disgraced former FEMA Director Mike Brown is starting a new emergency planning consulting business. Corporations are likely to use Brown as a model for finding the people they should never, ever hire.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in today's Punchlines column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to

Top 5 Thanksgiving Eating Tips

5) To make sure you get all the white meat, start talking about the avian flu during the first course

4) Save some of the cranberry sauce to grease all the doorways you'll be squeezing through all weekend

3) Ensure some real holiday fun by spiking the gravy with gin

2) Remember the less fortunate by only eating 2 1/2 times your weight in stuffing

1) Remember, it's always easier to open a bottle of Wild Turkey than to cook one

Homeless Fall
A homeless man was trapped for hours Tuesday after falling into an open drainage pipe outside Atlanta. Witnesses heard the man calling for oxygen, a flashlight, and 35 cents for a cup of coffee.

Protesters Pinched
A group of protesters has been arrested after demonstrating outside the Bush ranch in Crawford, Texas. The President called the cops because the loud chanting was making it hard for him to hear what Dick Cheney was ordering him to do.

Gay Ban
The Vatican says priests can only remain in the Church if they manage to curtail their homosexual tendencies for at least 3 years. Incidentally, that's the same requirement the Church of Scientology imposes on people it gets to date Tom Cruise.

Pope on Rates
Pope Benedict XVI spoke out Wednesday against high interest rates. Apparently, they're killing the property values for the Sistine Chapel.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Top 5 Thanksgiving Travel Tips

5) Make sure you call the airport beforehand to see if your flight's been cancelled, delayed, or if the airline's gone bankrupt

4) If you're driving, it's good to check all your car's fluids... but not with the turkey baster

3) Make sure you have everything you need for the airport security line, like ID, tickets, and a copy of War and Peace

2) Before hitting the road, arrange for second-mortgage financing to pay for the gas

1) Get a head start on the trip back by leaving before dessert

Teacher Fired
A Brooklyn teacher who was fired by her Catholic school for being pregnant and unmarried, is suing her ex-employers. Her attorneys say that these days, the school should have just been thankful that the father wasn't one of her students.

Palace Attack
American and Iraqi officials came under attack Tuesday during a ceremony handing over one of Saddam Hussein's lavish palaces to the new government. The attackers weren't insurgents; just local real estate agents who wanted to sell the place on the open market.

Burned Pee
German police say a drunken man burned his apartment down after trying to dry his urine-soaked bed with a faulty hair drier. I guess you could say he truly pissed his life away.

Al-Jazeera Hit?
The Bush administration is scoffing at a British newspaper report that the President once considered bombing the Arabic-language television network Al-Jazeera. The White House insists that such an act would be pointless, especially since the real enemy is CBS.

Ali Convicted
24-year-old Ahmed Omar Abu Ali has been found guilty of trying to assassinate President Bush. Prosecutors proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was a just as dangerous to the President as a pollster.

School Crime
The good news is that crime in America's high schools is down by 50% since 1995. The bad news is it's because most violent students are just too busy having sex with their teachers.

O'Hare Expansion
The federal government is pledging $337 million to expand Chicago's O'Hare airport. O'Hare needs more space to accommodate the growing number of airline bankruptcy attorneys flying to meet clients across the country.

Turkey Pardon
President Bush pardoned the two White House Thanksgiving turkeys Tuesday. But as part of the Patriot Act, the Turkeys will still have their stalls bugged for at least three more years.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Bush Rushes Back
President Bush rushed back to Washington today after his weeklong trip to Asia. Mr. Bush needed to pardon the White House turkey before it leaks any information to Bob Woodward.

Bush in Mongolia
Before returning to the U.S. from his weeklong trip to Asia, President Bush made a quick stop in Mongolia. Aides kept the visit brief, since the President kept referring to the locals as "mongoloids."

GM Cuts
General Motors is cutting 30,000 jobs in the U.S. and Canada. By drastically shrinking its workforce, GM is hoping to make fewer cars that suck.

Top 5 Forms of CIA's "Legal Torture"

5) Fingernails on the blackboard

4) Nothing but Taco Bell for a week

3)"Aymin, meet your new cell mate: Terrell Owens"

2) Two words: "Grease 2"

1) Michael Moore laundry hamper isolation chamber

Scanlon Pleads
Former Tom DeLay aide Michael Scanlon has admitted to pocketing money from Indian tribes who wanted him to use the cash to corrupt federal officials. Scanlon's scam failed when the tribes learned that most federal officials are already corrupt whether you bribe them or not.

Cheney's Take
Vice President Dick Cheney continues to attack critics of the Iraq war, but he says the debate is healthy. That's because it keeps the Swift Boat Veterans busy.

Just Land It
A Nike Inc. corporate jet carrying it's CEO and six other people developed landing gear problems but then made a safe emergency landing in Oregon. The plane circled the airport for hours to burn off fuel, and to allow emergency crews to paint the Nike swoosh on the runway.

McNabb Out
Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss the rest of the season in order to undergo hernia surgery. Medical experts are puzzled by McNabb's hernia, especially since he got Terrell Owens off his back two weeks ago.

What to do with the Slush Fund at the World Jewish Congress

10) Extreme Makeover: Sisterhood Edition!

9) $1 million investigation to determine true identity of "S.A. HaLevy"

8) Birthright: Tahiti

7) Free yarmulkes in every subway station

6) Sponsor new Satmar boxing league

5) Pay Woody Allen to stop embarrassing us

4) Nationwide Synagogue Kiddush Improvement Project

3) High Holiday ticket financing program

2) Israel Singer personal PR Campaign... oh wait, he has that already!

1) Jewish Comedy Writers Mortgage Assistance Program

China Religion
President Bush is pressing China to allow more freedom of religion. But the Chinese government insists that it actually does allow all Chinese people the right to have a public prayer... right before they're executed.

China Religion II
President Bush is calling on China to allow more freedom of religion, saying he hopes the Chinese government "will not fear Christians who gather to worship openly." Of course, the only people who need to fear Christians who worship openly are American high school biology teachers.

Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush's Meeting with Hu Jintao

5) "No Mr. President, you're not supposed to eat the message in the fortune cookie too."

4) "Can I stay here until my poll numbers go up?"

3) "I see you're using our advice on how to kill off political dissent."

2) "What can I get for John Murtha's kidneys on the black market?"

1) "Hey, how'd you get the new Harry Potter movie on DVD so fast?"

Bush Coming Back
President Bush is scheduled to return to the U.S. from the Far East later today. White House staffers are eager to get home and consult with their criminal defense lawyers.

Sharon Bolts
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is reportedly leaving the Likud party to start his own coalition where he'll have more control, less scrutiny, and won't have to share a buffet table with Benjamin Netanyahu.

Iraqi Raid
Despite a massive raid on insurgent forces in northern Iraq, the U.S. says it's pretty sure terror leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi was not killed. The Pentagon says it's under orders not to kill him until we get closer to the 2006 elections.

Rhodes Scholars
32 American college seniors were chosen Sunday to be Rhodes Scholars, and study at England's Oxford University next year. The award is even more prestigious this time because in addition to being cited for academic excellence, the winners will all be able to dodge the coming draft.

Jews Against Alito
One of the nation's largest Jewish groups has officially come out against Samuel Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court. The group says it doesn't have any quarrel with Alito's legal views; it's just that he hasn't called his mother in two whole days.

Potter #1
The new Harry Potter movie scored a better opening weekend at the U.S. box office than the previous three Potter films. Critics say it's because this movie has a better story, better action, and now Hermione has breasts.

Blake in Trouble
Robert Blake has been found liable for his wife's death and is being ordered to pay her family $30 million. To even come close to making that kind of money, Blake needs to quickly put together an "Our Gang" reunion before any more of the Little Rascals die.

Friday, November 18, 2005


Escapee Caught
The second escaped Iowa inmate has finally been captured by police. The escapee actually turned himself in when he realized being free in Iowa wasn't really that much better than being in prison in Iowa.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Top 5 Real Things that Hurt Troop Morale in Iraq

5) Missing all those great new episodes of "Everwood"

4) Damn Liberals aren't letting them organize those naked prisoner pyramids anymore

3) Two words: "Geraldo Live"

2) The fact the Playboy is now featuring more old chicks

1) Bird flu getting more news coverage, and its only killed like three people!

Rivalry Weekend
Tomorrow is rivalry day in college football with games like Ohio State vs. Michigan, USC vs. UCLA and Harvard vs. Yale. The real winning schools will be the ones with the fewest overturned cars and burned out frat houses Saturday night.

Heidi's House
Former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss is opening a new brothel in Nevada where male prostitutes will cater to women for $250 an hour. Of course, if women want to get a male whore for $250-an-hour, all they have to do is hire a lawyer.

Paula Zahn Feature
Last night's edition of "Paula Zahn Now" on CNN featured a report on surviving a lobotomy. Coincidentally, getting a lobotomy is the only way to survive watching "Paula Zahn Now."

Castro Parkinson's
The CIA believes Cuba's Fidel Castro has Parkinson's disease because he's becoming incoherent and he keeps falling down while exercising. That means the CIA must think that President Bush has Parkinson's too.

Bush Strikes Back
Facing dropping poll numbers and a potential Republican rebellion over the Iraq War, President Bush is fighting back by intensifying attacks on Democratic critics... because that's always easier than actually doing his job.

New Miracle Pill
Researchers have found an experimental appetite suppressant that can also fight nicotine addiction. The only other thing that helps you diet and want to quit cigarettes at the same time is seeing Rosie O'Donnell smoking at the beach.

Rules for Fans
New York's City Council has passed a bill calling for a year in jail and a $1,000 fine for anyone who throws objects onto the field during a professional sporting event. There's no word on what the penalty will be if you do that at a Mets game.

Jacko's Mistako
A spokeswoman for Michael Jackson says the pop star never intended to use the ladies room in a Dubai mall, he just did not recognize the Arabic sign on the door... he actually thought it was the sign for the children's bathroom.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Woodward's Wait
Journalist Bob Woodward now says a White House official told him about Valerie Plame almost a month before Robert Novak published it in his column. Woodward says he never went with the story because he couldn't come up with a cool nickname like "deep throat" for his confidential source.

Senate Vote
The Senate is now demanding that the White House provide routine progress reports on the war in Iraq. The White House says it will do so, but it may take another 10 years before it has some progress to report.

Top 5 "Compromises" in the New Patriot Act

5) Government agents will now only spy on suspicious terror suspects; not suspicious terror suspects and hot chicks

4) CIA will cease questionable probe into what exactly is in a Gyro

3) All listening devices will now be removed from Ted Koppel's hair

2) Government will now also use wire taps to tell parents who the Hell their teenage daughter's been talking to all night

1) Surveillance can be stopped by a court order, law suit, or donation to the Republican party

Den of Torture
Two Iraqi insurgents say U.S. troops forced them into a cage of lions during an interrogation. And in a further violation of the Geneva Convention, it has been confirmed that the lions were nude.

Bush's Description
In a speech in Japan, President Bush praised democracy, saying, "Free nations are peaceful nations, free nations do not threaten their neighbors and free nations offer their citizens a hopeful visions of the future." I guess that means America isn't a free nation.

Fighting the Flu
China's Agriculture Ministry says it will inject all of the nation's 5.2 billion chickens, geese, and ducks with a bird flu vaccine. We couldn't do that in America, because first we'd have to get all the birds to sign a legal waiver.

A blind Israeli golfer shot a hole-in-one this week. Arab protestors insist he must have been secretly aided by the Pentagon.

Party's Over
Beginning December 1, the federal government will stop paying the hotel bills for 53,000 Hurricane Katrina evacuees. But there could be some homes available soon when Mike Brown and the other ex-FEMA officials go to prison.

Steroid Rules
Major League Baseball and the players union have agreed to stiffer penalties for steroid use. The first time a player is caught using steroids he'll be suspended for 50 games, the second time, 100 games, and the third time that player will be forced to spend a week with Terrell Owens.

Bush on China
President Bush is challenging China to advance democracy and respect the sovereignty of Taiwan. It's an extremely courageous position for Mr. Bush to take, especially since his administration owes the Chinese about $500 trillion.

Love Conquers All
Princess Sayako of Japan has renounced her title and married a commoner. We don't know exactly why she did it, but by marrying a nobody we do know the princess definitely wasn't using J. Lo's publicist.

Gaza Deal
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has brokered a deal that will open the Gaza border for Palestinians trying to cross to Egypt and Israel. The agreement was signed when the Palestinians finally gave up their demand for a special "EZ Pass" toll lane for suicide bombers.

Iraq Info
The Senate voted 79-19 to demand regular updates on the war in Iraq from the Bush administration. The 19 Senators who voted against the measure realized that if they want a bunch of cheery baloney about the war they could just get it from FOX News.

Top 5 Things Senators Want to Know from the White House about the War in Iraq

5) Do they realize just how annoying it is to go to all these constituent funerals?

4) Who do we need to bomb to get gas back below $2-a-gallon?

3) Now that Ted Koppel's gone, can we pretend that nobody died?

2) Will Halliburton keep paying our bribes on time?

1) This whole thing isn't like some long episode of "Punk'd"... is it?

Exit Strategy
Yesterday, the Senate rejected a bill that would have forced the Bush administration to lay out its strategy for ending the war in Iraq. Leading Republican Senators rightfully pointed out that the White House can hardly be expected to effectively plan our withdrawal from Iraq when all the people who planned the invasion are under indictment.

Bush Popularity
According to recent polls, President Bush is especially weak in the polls among Americans who are concerned about terrorism, his trustworthiness, and whether the war in Iraq was worthwhile. But the President is still extremely popular among late-night comedians who need material.

Alito on Abortion
Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is downplaying a memo he wrote 20 years ago backing the Reagan administration's efforts to ban abortion. Alito has explained that he wrote that memo before he had ever actually kissed a girl.

Nursing Home Bar
A nursing home in Ireland has opened a pub for its patients. American homes are expected to do the same, but only because their patients can't afford their prescription painkillers.

Bear Status
The Department of Interior proposed Tuesday to remove the grizzly bear from the endangered species list... proving once again that grizzly bears need better lobbyists.

Oprah's Origins
Oprah Winfrey says that it was Roger Ebert who gave her the idea 20 years ago to syndicate her talk show... oh no wait, Ebert was actually the one who gave her the idea to eat Cheetos with a spoon.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez has won the 2005 American League MVP award. Imagine what he would have won if he had played well in even one game that really counted!

Top 5 Reasons A-Rod Won MVP

5) Sports writers couldn't spell "Konerko" or "Podsednik"

4) It's not like he's as undeserving as Harriet Miers or Mike Brown!

3) The league wanted to do something for such an obviously underpaid athlete

2) A-Rod campaign greatly helped by advice from Karl Rove

1) The world needed something to stop Yankee fans from whining all winter

No Bonuses
59% of American workers won't be getting any holiday bonuses from their employers this year. That includes White House staffers, who are only getting bonuses from the oil companies.

Blanco's Rating
Time magazine has named Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco as the third worst governor in the country. The other two governors were judged to be worse because they actually killed their constituents on purpose.

White House Denial
President Bush's national security advisor said Sunday that while the White House was wrong about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, he rejected the notion that the President manipulated intelligence and misled the American people... especially since that was Dick Cheney's job.

Bush Trip
President Bush left Monday for a trip to Asia that he says is "to advance the interests of American workers, business and entrepreneurs"... actually, President Bush makes things better here every time he leaves the country.

"In God We Trust" Fight
Atheist attorney Michael Newdow is starting a campaign to have the "In God We Trust" inscription taken off our money. But there doesn't seem to be any purpose to his crusade, since no Americans have cash anymore.

Sex on TV
A new study shows that 70% of American TV shows have some sexual content. Thankfully, the few shows with no sex are the ones with Star Jones.

KISS Lawsuit
A judge has ruled that a former girlfriend of KISS front man Gene Simmons can proceed with a defamation lawsuit in which she says Simmons made her sound like a "sex-addicted nymphomaniac" during a VH1 show. Legal experts say the suit is likely to fail since any woman who would date Gene Simmons must be a sex-addicted nymphomaniac.

Arnold Rocks China
Dozens of Chinese fans mobbed Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday as he made a visit to Beijing. But the incident isn't exactly a sure sign of Schwarzenegger's popularity, since the Chinese people have a long history of pretending to adore inept politicians.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

French Riots Subside
The riots in France are subsiding after French police changed their tactics. They stopped hitting the rioters with tear gas and started spraying them with deodorant.

Top 5 Reasons Your College President Makes $1 Million a Year

5) Needs extra cash to bail out 3-4 members of the Football team every Saturday night

4) You think keeping those "Girls Gone Wild" guys off campus is cheap?

3) The University doesn't have any pension plan he can steal from

2) Anything less and the big donors might mistake him for their maid

1) Anyone who can justify charging more than $40,000 a year for tuition is worth at least $1 million!

Busch Suspended
NASCAR star Kurt Busch has been suspended for the rest of the year for drunk driving and mouthing off to police. Luckily, Busch already has a new job as Terrell Owens' chauffeur.

Busch Suspended II
NASCAR star Kurt Busch has been suspended for the rest of the year for drunk driving and mouthing off to police. Busch is expected to make a complete apology, because nothing alienates NASCAR fans more than people who drive too fast and drunk.

Jordan Confession
And Iraqi woman has confessed that she was a part of the recent hotel bombings in Jordan, but she failed to detonate her suicide bomb. She's helped investigators learn more about the attack, but she's set the feminist terrorism movement back by a decade or more.

Saddam's Lawyers Quit
The more than 1,100 attorneys representing Saddam Hussein in Iraq are quitting the case because of the terrorist attacks on their colleagues. Usually to find 1,100 spineless lawyers you just have to take a walk in Midtown Manhattan.

Saddam's Lawyers Quit II
The more than 1,100 attorneys representing Saddam Hussein in Iraq are quitting the case because of the terrorist attacks on their colleagues. Since they're used to dealing with armed religious fanatics, they're now going to defend Tom DeLay in Texas.

Britney Breakup?
Britney Spears is reportedly walking out on husband Kevin Federline because he refuses to help raise their new baby. But Federline shouldn't really have a problem taking care of children; he's had custody of Britney Spears for the last two years.

Cell Phone Robber
Police are on the lookout for a Virginia woman who robs banks while talking on her cell phone the entire time. Just to be safe, citizens are urging cops to shoot every annoying person who's constantly talking on their cell phone in public.

Jesse for Terrell
The Reverend Jesse Jackson is now speaking out in defense of suspended NFL star Terrell Owens. Now that Rosa Parks is dead, apparently the civil rights movement is about defending millionaire black men who act like children.

BTK House
The sale of the Wichita, Kansas house once owned by BTK killer Dennis Rader is being held up because Rader's wife is fighting to keep the proceeds rather than the families of his victims. But the real reason the case is unusual is because no else has been able to sell a home in Wichita in 25 years.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, November 11, 2005

Miller Quits
New York Times reporter Judith Miller has announced her retirement. Miller will now focus on writing her new book, titled: Is Maureen Dowd Necessary?

Medicare on the Web
After weeks of delays, Medicare has unveiled its Internet guide to prescription drug coverage... and the three elderly people in America who can use the Internet think it's great.

KFC Assurance
KFC is airing TV commercials to reassure customers that its chicken is safe to eat if there is a bird flu outbreak. The ads remind viewers that there's nothing to fear, especially since what they serve at KFC isn't exactly chicken.

Betting in the Way
Ireland's Ryanair is planning to launch a series of regular flights with on-board casinos. No matter how much the passengers gamble, they still won't be making a bigger bet than the people who board US Airways flights every day.

Longest Flight
Boeing broke the record for the longest nonstop flight yesterday by making a 12,500-mile trip over 23 hours. But since the plane landed at O'Hare, it was then forced to spend another 22 hours just waiting for an arrival gate.

Delta Pilots Stand Firm
The Delta Airlines pilots union says it's not willing to make any more concessions. The pilots are furious over pay cuts, benefit reductions, and the fact that they have to bring their own booze on all their flights.

Bloomberg's Future
Mayor Mike Bloomberg said his political career will end after he leaves office in 2009, and then he plans to spend the rest of his life giving away his money. Actually, he's been spending his entire political career giving away his money too.

Oily Sympathy
The heads of five major oil companies told a Senate committee this week that they believe it's the government's responsibility to help Americans who can't afford higher fuel costs. But since the oil companies actually own the government, it's kind of the same thing.

Weak FCC
A Washington Post report on the FCC reveals the agency's record of policing the airwaves has been undermined by plodding investigations, insufficient fines and inconsistent follow-up... and that's the best explanation yet for why "Mama's Family" reruns are still on the air.

Shocking Contraception
Men in Serbia are using electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new treatment that puts sperm to sleep for up to 10 days. Wow, men really will do anything to avoid wearing a condom!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in today's Punchlines column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Oil Hearings
The heads of five major oil companies were called before a Senate committee yesterday. The Senators challenged the executives defend their record profits, address questions about price gouging, and explain why they're still not giving them bigger campaign contributions.

Top 5 Signs the Oil Companies are Making Too Much Money

5) Several oil executives seen flossing with $100 bills

4) Exxon board members no longer feel need to take President Bush's phone calls

3) Full service island at you local filling station now takes reservations

2) Most popular car in the Chevron employee lot is a Brinks Truck

1) We're still in Iraq

Jordan Explosions
Terrorists set off bombs at three Jordanian hotels in the capital of Amman yesterday. Terrorism experts say the hotels were a logical choice for Islamic extremists because of their central location, western ownership, and outrageous mini bar prices.

White House Ethics Class
The good news is that all White House staffers are now required to attend hour-long briefings on ethics and rules in government. The bad news is the briefings are being conducted by Tom DeLay.

Religious Report Card
Condoleezza Rice has released the State Department's annual list of countries that are intolerant of religious freedom. It includes North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Alabama.

Drinking Study
A new report shows that heavy drinking during adolescence can have lifelong effects. They include impaired memory, reduced physical development, and starting an unjustified war in Iraq when you become President.

Kansas Vote
The state board of education in Kansas has voted to dump evolution studies in high schools in favor of the "intelligent design" classes favored by evangelical Christians. The news is delighting students in Kansas who now plan to just write, "Jesus" as the answer to all their science test questions.

Ugly Race Ends
John Corzine has won New Jersey's long and bitter governor's race. Now, if people in the state want to see scum and mud slinging, they'll just have to walk the streets of Newark.

Bush Effect
Many GOP candidates are quietly blaming the Bush for their poor showings in yesterday's elections. This is actually a step up for President Bush, who usually gets blamed for screwing up the whole country.

Bad Omens
Experts say yesterday's election results weren't the first signs of trouble for the Bush administration... it's just that the media didn't realize the significance of all the bad reviews for "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie.

Chalabi Visit
Iraq's Deputy Prime Minister Ahmed Chalabi is in the U.S. this week to meet with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Treasury Secretary John Snow. Chalabi will visit Rice to discuss the future of Iraq's government, and he'll visit Snow to pick up his paycheck.

French Problems
The French riots are being seen as the result of a nation where the people haven't been able to accept rapidly changing religious, racial, and ethnic changes. Others blame it on a government that is basically still pro-Nazi.

Cheney Losing Bush?
Sources say Vice President Dick Cheney is loosing his influence over President Bush because of the CIA leak scandal and the continuing war in Iraq... but other's say it's mostly because now Bush is basing more of his policies on what he learns from watching Clifford The Big Red Dog.

A new art exhibit in New York displays 22 skinless corpses under glass. Spineless corpses have been on display at the City Council chamber for 35 years.

Terrell Apologizes
A day after the Philadelphia Eagles cut star receiver Terrell Owens for the rest of the season, he publicly apologized for his behavior. Experts believe Owens is finally doing the right thing because he's now being counseled by Brett Favre's lawyers.

Top 5 Things Terrell Owens Can Do to Get Reinstated

5) Get those damned Campbell's Soup commercials off the air

4) Help the U.S. war effort in Iraq by joining the insurgents

3) Do something about Randy Moss' hair

2) Blame it all on Judith Miller

1) Stop blocking our view the next time Nicollette Sheridan drops her towel

Dad's in the Way
Actress Jessica Alba says she is willing to do a nude scene, but her father is holding her back. Mr. Alba may be the one man in America who now needs more secret service protection than President Bush.

Shar's Plea
Shar Jackson, who had two children with Kevin Federline before he married Britney Spears, says she will not sue him for child support and that she just wants Federline to spend more time with their kids... but why should the children be punished?

Pirate Defense
The crew of the luxury cruise ship that was attacked by pirates last weekend used a sonic weapon that blasts beams of ear-splitting noise to ward off their attackers. In other words, Ashlee Simpson was the on-board entertainment.

Monday, November 07, 2005

French Curfews
In the hopes of stemming the riots in France, the government is imposing a nationwide curfew. If that doesn't work, French police are considering the even more radical idea of arresting the rioters.

Bush on Torture
President Bush is defending America's interrogation of suspected terrorists, saying that "we will aggressively pursue them, but we will do so under the law"... Viking law.

Bush on Torture II
President Bush defended U.S. interrogation of suspected terrorists abroad saying, "We do not torture people overseas." But that statement is strongly contradicted by the fact that the U.S. has exported more than 100,000 Ashlee Simpson CD's in the past month alone.

Top 5 Legal Ways to Torture Terror Suspects

5) Make them spend a week working on the Fernando Ferrer campaign

4) Force them to tell their stories to Judith Miller

3) Just sign them up as contestants on "Fear Factor"

2) Two words: "The Osmonds"

1) Make them try to coach Terrell Owens

Owens Gone
The Philadelphia Eagles have suspended star receiver Terrell Owens for the rest of the season after he fought with another player and verbally trashed the club in an interview. After showing no loyalty to his own team, the only job Owens is qualified for now is Democratic member of Congress.

Women and Jokes
A new study shows that women actually enjoy a good joke more than men do... which explains how we get so many women to agree to marry us.

Bush on Latin America
President Bush now says there are two competing visions for Latin American countries. One seeks greater democracy, which he supports, and the other plays to fear, and blames others for failures, which he doesn't support... because that's his plan for NORTH America.

Super Movie Launch
A new entertainment company, is planning "super releases" of movies, in which they will simultaneously premiere in theaters, on cable, and are on sale on DVD.... meaning the only way to avoid the next "Dukes of Hazzard" movie is to move to Amish country.

New Show
The Fox Reality Channel is launching a new show called "Who's Your Mommy?" where two women have a chance to meet their birth mothers. And the network has another show where two mothers get a chance to meet their illegitimate children who have grown up to be FOX executives... it's called "Who's a Bastard?"

Asteroid Odds
The Association of Space Explorers says there is only a 1-in-5,500 chance that a small asteroid will hit the earth by 2036. But these are the same guys who said there was only a 1-in-100,000 chance that they'd be making another "Rocky" movie by 2040!

Christians Save the Earth
More Evangelical Christians are lobbying the government to pass laws to curb pollution because of their belief that the Bible tells them to be "good stewards of the Earth." The oil companies are combating this by reminding Evangelicals that environmentalists are "kinda gay."

Smoking Education
A new report shows that nearly 40 percent of adolescents who try smoking do so because they saw it in movies... which is still better than the other 60% who learned how to smoke after watching their parents having sex.

Rose Jr. Busted
Pete Rose's son Pete Jr., has been charged with selling illegal drugs to his fellow minor league baseball players. In his defense, Rose insists he never sold drugs to members of his own team.

Rose Jr. Busted II
Pete Rose's son Pete Jr., has been charged with selling illegal prescription drugs to his fellow minor league baseball players. Rose Sr. is reacting to the news by doubling his bets on all the clubs his son's team is playing next season.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Chirac's Resolve
French President Jacques Chirac is vowing to do whatever is necessary to stop the nightly violent rioting by Muslim and African youth... but it's not clear if the French government can be any more Anti-Jewish than it already is.

Riot Destruction
Police estimate that the French rioters have torched about 1,300 cars in the past week... that's just an estimate because it's hard to tell the difference between a completely wrecked car and a Peugeot.

Rough Comment
French interior minister, Nicolas Sarkozy, has drawn the ire of the French people for calling the rioters "Scum." French citizens rightfully point out that Sarkozy should have referred to them as "Les Scum."

Top 5 Things the French Rioters Really Want

5) Bigger cars so they can set bigger fires

4) Just one store in France that actually sells deodorant

3) A government that blames everything on Israel... oh wait, they have that already!

2) More bans on American imports... like the new "Rocky" movie

1) Does it really matter? Whatever they get they'll still be France

Force Fed Prisoners
23 hunger-striking detainees at Guantanamo Bay are now being force fed meals by the U.S. military. This is a slight change for the Pentagon which is only really used to force feeding B.S.

Close Finish
Kenya's Paul Tergat won the New York City Marathon by a mere third of a second over South Africa's Hendrick Ramaala; the closest finish in the race's history. Usually, to see a Kenyan and a South African so close together, you have to take the subway during rush hour.

Marathon Cheaters?
A record 37,516 people competed in this year's New York City Marathon. It's easy to tell which of them cheated and took the subway... there the ones who finished last.

Corzine Goofs
In a debate this weekend, New Jersey gubernatorial candidate John Corzine mistakenly thought 18 was the legal drinking age in America. Corzine was really worried until he learned that it was still legal to have sex with 18-year-olds.

Old Church
Israeli archaeologists have discovered what they believe is a 4th century church near the city of Megiddo. Experts know the church is extremely old because of the stone construction, mosaics, and the campaign posters for Strom Thurmond.

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Cruise Ship Pirates
A group of high seas bandits attempted to board and rob a cruise ship off the coast of Africa this weekend. The would-be priates were apparently after a shuffleboard set and month's worth of pina coladas.

Friday, November 04, 2005

EXTRA SPECIAL NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have a fully-featured humorous Op-Ed piece in this Sunday's Newsday "Opinion" section. The piece should be available online as well by Sunday at

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Top 5 Michael Brown Email Subject Lines

5) "Harriet Miers Says I'm the Best FEMA Director Ever!"

4) "Where does Anderson Cooper get his Hurricane information... and his dress shirts?!?"

3) "Going to New Orleans... Do I need my raincoat?"

2) "Can I still take that job at Enron?"

1) "Why am I getting so much SPAM about people dying in New Orleans?"

Border Fence
California Congressmen Duncan Hunter wants to build a huge fence along the U.S.-Mexican border to keep out illegal aliens. The project is expected to cost $8 billion, but Hunter thinks we could do it for half that if we use illegal Mexican construction workers.

Muslim Fans Arrested
Five Muslim football fans are filing a complaint for being detained and questioned after they were seen praying at a Giants game in September. Police insist the men were suspicious because the only people who should be praying at Giants Stadium are Jets fans.

Top 5 Reasons More Americans are Retiring to College Towns

5) You can make a fortune on all the stuff the students throw out at the end of every semester

4) Underage students willing to pay top dollar if you get them beer

3) You can re-enroll and get on the student healthcare plan

2) Luckily, retirees aren't much older than most 8th-year senior college football stars

1) Just like the students, most of their spending money goes for drugs

NBC Crime Channel
NBC is launching an all-crime cable channel this coming January that will feature reality cop shows and dramas like "Law and Order." Of course, there already is an all-crime network on cable, it's called C-Span.

Free School
Yale's music school will stop charging tuition next year after receiving a $100-million donation. Of course, being musicians, the faculty almost blew the whole gift on booze, cigarettes, and old jazz albums.

Illiterate Coach
Former Montreal Canadiens coach Jacques Demers now admits he is illiterate. Luckily, not knowing how to read has actually been a job requirement in the NHL for 50 years.

Stuck in Home Depot
Paramedics had to rescue a man who was glued to a toilet seat at a Home Depot in Colorado. Geez, once they go in, it really is hard to get men out of that store!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Extremely Odd Web Alert!!

Okay, I know I write a column in The Jewish Week, and my stuff is topical. But I've heard numerous reports that several Rabbis quoted my jokes in their High Holiday Sermons! It's a good thing I never use foul language! Here's a link to one sermon by a Rabbi in Maryland: Yom Kippur Sermon

Top 5 Things President Bush Keeps in his Pockets

5) Autographed picture of Clifford The Big Red Dog

4) Pocket-sized "Red Neck-to-English" dictionary

3) That picture of Saddam Hussein in his underwear

2) His Yale University transcripts... so his parents will never find them

1) Card that says "In Case of Emergency, call Dick Cheney"

Aaron Brown Gone
CNN announced today that Aaron Brown is leaving the network. The job status of the squirrel that's been living on his head since Brown got into TV is unknown.

Aaron Brown Gone II
CNN announced today that Aaron Brown is leaving the network. Brown and the three elderly ladies who make up his entire audience will just have coffee together every Wednesday from now on.

Drugs and God
The U.S. Supreme Court is considering whether to allow the importation of hallucinogenic drugs for religious purposes. Seriously, aren't most religious Americans are delusional enough already?

Clinton on Parks
Former President Bill Clinton paid tribute to Rosa Parks at her funeral Wednesday. Clinton thanked Parks for all she did to make it possible for him to be the first Southern white teenager to bring his girlfriends to the back of the bus.

Royals in Town
At last night's White House dinner for Prince Charles and Camilla, President Bush gave a short speech honoring the Prince for his friendship to the United States, his commitment to education, and for "rocking albums like 'Purple Rain'."

Top 5 Questions on the Enron Trial Jury Application

5) Can you follow basic Enron accounting entries? For example, does 2+2= a) 4 b) 5 or c) $563,237.97?

4) Doesn't Ken Lay look a lot like Elmer Fudd?

3) Have you ever been lied to by a stock market analyst... (oh wait, of course you have), we mean, how many times have you been lied to by a stock market analyst?

2) Do you have any negative feeling about any of the following Enron-controlled entities: 1) Natural Gas market 2) Electric utilities 3) The White House?

1) Remember when Americans had money?

Trigamist Judge
A state commission is ordering the dismissal of a Utah Supreme Court judge because he has three wives. But legal experts say any man who can manage a household with three different wives is truly a justice of the peace.

Ahold Indictments
New York's U.S. Attorney has charged food distributor Royal Ahold with accounting fraud. If convicted, Royal Ahold will have to pay a hefty fine and change its name to "Royal A-Hole."

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Special Session
Democrats forced the Senate into a closed session yesterday to pressure the Republican majority into completing an intelligence investigation. But after two hours, they couldn't find any.

Frist Upset
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist called the move for a closed session "an affront to me personally"... especially since the whole thing happened while he was trying to make some more illegal insider stock trades.

Top 5 Real Reasons the Senate went into Closed Session

5) Senators needed their privacy to count all their illegal campaign donations

4) Ted Kennedy lost his pants again

3) Everyone wanted one more look at Hillary Clinton's hilarious Harriet Miers impersonation

2) Two words: "New interns"

1) They all needed some time to swap all their kids' best Halloween candy

All Wolf, All The Time
CNN is expanding the "Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer. From now on, the network will air "Situation Room: Mornings," followed by "Situation Room: Afternoons," followed by "Situation Room: Special Victims Unit."

Interest Rate Hike
The Fed raised interest rates again in hopes of curbing inflation. Experts aren't sure if the tactic will work, but they do know this will make it harder for Americans to continue taking out big loans to fill up their SUV's.

Mice Song
Scientists now believe that mice sing some form of very high pitched mating song when they encounter the opposite sex. The music isn't audible to the human ear, but experts are certain it sounds better than Ashlee Simpson.

Charles and Camilla Visiting
Britain's Prince Charles and his wife Camilla are touring the Unites States for the first time since their marriage. It's not quite as glamorous as the days when Charles and Diana visited our shores, but at least the nation's dentists and airbrush experts are reaping a windfall.

French Riots
French police were forced to use tear gas in hopes of breaking up a sixth straight night of rioting in Paris Tuesday. Unfortunately, the tactic didn't work because tear gas still smells better than a huge crowd of French people.

DeLay Victory
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay won the first skirmish in his money laundering case Tuesday when a Texas judge was removed from the case because he's a Democrat. Now all DeLay needs to do is remove all the members of the jury who can read.