Monday, January 31, 2005

The Carson Tribute Site is Going Strong! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Iraqi Election Success
The Iraqi elections turned out much better than most people expected yesterday. Now Americans are confused about whether we should be proud that we've ushered democracy into Iraq, or ashamed that a former dictatorship had better voter turnout than the U.S. has had in 50 years.

Top 5 Reasons Insurgents Didn't Launch Many Election Day Attacks in Iraq

5) Blew the whole weekend filling out annoying al Qaeda employee satisfaction surveys

4) Lost interest in attacking voters and are now targeting all the annoying U.S. TV news anchors still in the country

3) Too busy getting "psyched up" for the Michael Jackson trial

2) Stayed in front of the TV all night only to find out "Desperate Housewives" was a re-run

1) Don't want to commit any suicide attacks until they see next week's Super Bowl halftime show

Jackson Jury Selection
Attorneys in the Michael Jackson case now have the difficult task of seating a jury filled with people who aren't familiar with the pop star. Not only will they need to get jurors who haven't heard much of Jackson's music, but they'll also need to find 12 people who aren't nauseated by "Extreme Makeover."

Broadway Copycats
The success of Billy Crystal's one man show is spurring other celebrities to pitch their own ideas to Broadway producers. The Rev. Billy Graham's show has already been given the green light, it's called "7,000 Sundays."

Phone Service
The tiny town of Mink, Louisiana became the last rural area in the U.S. to finally receive phone service this weekend. That means telemarketers have about 3 days to bombard the small population before they all put themselves on the "Do Not Call Registry."

School Name Change
Hoping to cut down on jokes, trustees at the "Governor Dummer Academy" in Massachusetts finally changed the school's name. But they've kept the meaning of the old title alive by now calling it "The George W. Bush Academy."

Sunday, January 30, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 10 Good Things About Being the Only Jew in Afghanistan

10) Nobody minds if you soak and salt the kosher meat in the Mikveh

9) Everyone assumes you're the funniest guy in the whole country

8) You're a shoo-in to be elected as the Afghan representative to the World Jewish Congress

7) Your day schools are safe from being criticized by Marvin Schick

6)Your Shabbat services are never disrupted by Kiddush clubs

5)As the only qualified mashgiach in the whole country, you'll be eating free for life

4) Even the local Anti-Semites have to be nice to you, or risk going out of business

3) The UJA sends YOU a check every month

2) You can safely eliminate those annoying responsive readings during the High Holiday services

1) Whenever you're accused of being selfish, you can just say: "Hey, I just have to do what's right for the Jewish community."

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Jackson Trial Decision
The judge in Michael Jackson's child molestation case is allowing sexually explicit materials to be used as evidence against the pop star. But it's not clear which will be more damaging to the defense -- letting the jury see that evidence, or letting the jury see Michael Jackson

Friday, January 28, 2005

New Carson Tribute Site! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Iraqi Elections

5) "Sorry sir, but there's no suicide car-bombing allowed within 500 feet of a polling place"

4) "Hey, let's go give those exit pollsters some phony answers!"

3) "I'm sorry, this isn't the line for clean water... there's actually no clean water"

2) "I'm voting for the guy whose donkey I want after he gets assassinated"

1) "There's something wrong with these Diebold voting machines... they still only count votes for Bush!"

Sharon's Take
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon says he's impressed with Mahmoud Abbas' efforts to confiscate weapons and secure the border. Now all Sharon wants to see from the Palestinians before he'll agree to start serious peace talks is a really nice buffet in the conference room.

Jenna's Beau
Jenna Bush is now dating a man who worked on her father's re-election campaign. It's easy to see how he got her to fall for him; he has lots of experience winning over stupid people.

C Train Fire
It now appears that no homeless person had anything to do with the fire that will knock out a major New York subway line for 6 to 9 months. Meanwhile, the city will try to find the real cause, the fire department will try to improve safety, and the New York Post will try to blame it on Barbara Boxer.

Dung Pile
U.S. environmental officials are looking into complaints about a 100-foot high dung pile in the Midwest that's been burning for months. The only thing that spreads that much B.S. around the country is the Fox News Channel.

PG-Gillette Merger
Procter and Gamble is merging with Gillette, creating one of the world's most valuable corporations dominant in sales of tooth paste, deodorant and shaving razors. Now just imagine how big that company would be if Europeans actually used some of those products!

Stranded Diver
A diver who says he drifted for five hours after a boat crew left him at sea has sued them for $4 million. But the case isn't expected to go far since the man knew the diving company was owned by Ted Kennedy.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Newsday Alert!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today! Here's the Link: Newsday

And Don't Forget My New Carson Tribute Site! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Top 10 PBS Shows if the GOP Had it's Way

10) "Monster Truck Theater"

9) "The Antique Roadshow, Starring William Rehnquist"

8) "Tonight on 'Nova: ' Disproving Evolution"

7) "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park"

6) "Mister Rogers' Restricted Neighborhood"

5) "The Now-Privatized Electric Company"

4) "It's Really Jesus' World, Elmo"

3) "Thomas the Tank, Humvee, and Aircraft Carrier Engine"

2) "Spongebob Straight Pants"

1) "The Armstrong Williams NewsHour"

Truckers vs. Terrorists
The government is trying to enlist truck drivers in the battle against terrorism. But the truckers aren't expected to help much, since terrorists don't communicate with each other with CB radios anymore.

Subway Improvements
New York City now says it will repair the antiquated subway control station damaged by this weekend's fire and replace it with a state of the art computerized system. Now we only need someone to burn down the Board of Education.

Dead Cabbie
A 70-year-old cab driver who died in his taxi just as a blizzard hit New York went undiscovered for three days as snow piled over his vehicle. His passenger is okay, but is now liable for the $5,370.65 fare on the meter.

Auschwitz Memorial
French, Russian, and Ukrainian leaders are expressing their outrage during today's ceremonies marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. The politicians are apparently mostly angry that the Germans thought of building it first.

Katsav at Auschwitz
Israeli President Moshe Katsav is attending the Auschwitz ceremonies, and expressing his extreme sadness and horror. Not only because of what happened there 60 years ago, but because all the French and Russian politicians at Auschwitz keep insisting he "bring some of his friends and stay awhile."

Polish Polls
Even as the world marks the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, the latest surveys show that the Polish people overwhelmingly believe that Polish Jews exert way too much power in their society... yeah, all three of them.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Special Announcement!!! I've started a new alternate comedy site in tribute to the late Johnny Carson. It will be updated regularly. Check it out here: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Web Alert!! I have a new piece in the humor section of the NEH-Funded Web magazine "Ducts!" Here is the link: Ducts

Web Alert 2!! I have an "interview" with Prince Harry published in today's "Enduring Vision" Web site. Here is the link: Enduring Vision

Top 5 Real Reasons the Deficit is Now a Record $427 Billion

5) Need to begin costly federal investigation of Spongebob's alleged "gayness"

4) Dick Cheney's medications are getting pricier every day

3) Someone's gotta get paid off to give Jenna and Barbara a real job

2) Gotta start stashing some money away for Jeb's Presidential campaign

1) All the conservative radio commentators on the White House payroll are demanding a raise

Subway Correction
Officials at the New York City subway now say it will take 6-9 months, not 5 years, to repair the damage from a small fire this weekend. What they originally meant to say is it'll be 5 years before they stop using the fire as an excuse to keep raising fares.

Oscar Breakthrough
It's a standout year for Black actors as a record 5 African Americans received Oscar nominations yesterday. But experts say we haven't really reached a breakthrough, because in all 5 cases, the actors were still only cast in roles as Black people.

National Guard Bonus
In hopes of boosting its thinning ranks in Iraq, the National Guard is considering offering a cash bonus to new enlistees. The bonus will be $15,000, or the cost of the average funeral for an adult male, whichever is more.

Delgado Chooses Florida
The Florida Marlins beat out the Mets yesterday and signed star outfielder Carlos Delgado. Delgado decided against playing in front of angry and cranky New Yorkers, in favor of playing in front of angry and cranky retired New Yorkers

Tsunami Recovery
Indonesia and Thailand are expected to see a quick economic recovery from the effects of the Tsunamis. That's because those countries are letting U.S. corporations know that they have millions of 6-year olds to replace all the 8-year old employees who died.

T.O. No Go?
The Philadelphia Eagles are still not giving star wide receiver Terrell Owens the go-ahead to play in the Super Bowl. Not because of his leg injury, but because no one can guarantee he won't rip off some woman's bustier during the halftime show.

Prostate Problem
Doctors say medical tests on very obese men may be inaccurate, specifically making it harder to find out if they have prostate cancer. But that's only because it's extremely hard to actually find an obese man's prostate in the first place.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Top 10 Lesser-Known Oscar Categories

10) Best Chick Flick

9) Best Anorexic actress

8) Most Cheesy Song that has Nothing to do with the Film it's in

7) Best Actor in a Child Support-Paying Role

6) Best Sound and Drink Mixing

5) Best Theft of a Screenplay Somebody Else Wrote

4) Best Disgraced Nominee for Director of Homeland Security

3) Best Score with an Extra in an Actor's Trailer (short feature)

2) Best Makeup on an Actress Just out of Rehab

1) Best Heterosexual Costume Designer (not awarded since 1927)

NYC Subway Fire
After this weekend's fire, the MTA says getting service back to normal on the "C" subway line could take up to 5 years... or about the time it currently takes for most commuters to get home on the "C" line.

Top 5 Reasons it Will Take 5 Years to Repair the "C" Line

5) Construction unions need three years just to come up with a really good kickback scheme

4) Need to find someone who was alive in 1895 to explain how the darned thing was put together in the first place

3) City needs to focus on more important things, like a $1.4 billion stadium for the Jets

2) Can't disturb natural homeless persons' wildlife habitat

1) All that noise makes the rats angry

Bible Ad
Rolling Stone Magazine has decided to run an ad for the Holy Bible after originally rejecting the idea last month. The editors changed their minds after they actually read the Bible and found out it has a lot of sex in it.

Top 5 Things Picked up by the Secret Bug Found in Nicole Kidman's Home

5) "My publicist says I have to start dating Colin Farrell by the end of next month"

4) "I'm not pretending I'm not gay... I'm pretending to be pretending that I'm not gay"

3) "It's a good thing no one ever hears me speaking in my natural Brooklyn accent"

2) "Thank God I didn't take that 'Catwoman' role"

1) "Three more days, and then I can eat!"

Drug Price Hike
The major prescription drug makers have all boosted their prices over the last few weeks. The pharmaceutical companies say they need to make as much of a profit on their drugs before the FDA finds out they all cause heart disease.

Shiite Promise
Shiite leaders in Iraq say that if they are elected to office this Sunday, they'll create a strictly secular government. The announcement is outraging millions of Iraqis who were counting on free parking in downtown Baghdad during Ramadan.

Democrat Tire Slash
Republicans are responding with anger after Democratic activists in Wisconsin were charged with slashing the tires of vans rented by the GOP to drive voters to the polls on Election Day. The state Republican party is mostly outraged that it didn't think of doing that to the Democrats first.

Colorado Budget Cuts
Cuts in the University of Colorado's budget are forcing the school to stop the practice of chartering planes for the men's basketball team so they won't miss classes. No wonder the school is having budget problems... I mean they actually have classes for the men's basketball team!

Cool Mom?
A 40-year-old Denver woman has admitted to having sex with her teenage son's friends and holding "drug parties" at her home. The woman says she just wanted to be cool, fun, and find some way to help the Republicans win the next several elections.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Carson Gone
Entertainment legend Johnny Carson died yesterday. His death means the world is without a great comedian, but at least there's absolutely nobody left who would care if we shoot Ed McMahon.

Carson Gone 2
Johnny Carson is being remembered as a man who introduced America to a series of new concepts, like late-night comedy, opening monologues, and alimony.

Secret Within a Secret
The Pentagon's Defense Intelligence Agency now says it has run a secret intelligence unit since 2002 that has authority to operate clandestinely anywhere in the world. But it's not clear if the unit was created in reaction to 9/11 or the TV show "Alias."

UN Auschwitz
The United Nations is marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi death camp Auschwitz with several different events today. Kofi Anan will make a speech about Auschwitz, survivors will tell their stories about Auschwitz, and the Arab delegations will introduce a motion to re-open Auschwitz.

Osama Reward Upped
America's decision to double the reward for nabbing Osama bin Laden to $50 million is not expected to make much difference. But that's only because the money is being put up by the Mets.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Northeast Socked In
Millions of people in the Northeast U.S. are remaining indoors again today. But it's not clear if they're doing it because of the snowstorms or if they're still just depressed over President Bush's inauguration.

NYC Snow Emergency
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has declared a snow emergency for the entire city. Residents are being advised not to do anything life-threatening; like staying out in the cold, driving the roads, or watching the Knicks game.

Trump Bargains
In return for the publicity, Donald Trump received several deals on expensive items for his wedding to Melania Knauss. Graff jewelers gave him the engagement ring for half price, Christian Dior discounted the cost of the wedding dress, and attorney Raul Felder is charging him reduced rates to file the divorce papers next month.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Top 10 Ways Jews Can Retaliate Against Presbyterian Divestment in Israel

10) Begin counter-boycott of Hellmann's Mayonnaise and Wonder Bread

9) Stop supporting all the Presbyterian comedians... oh wait, there aren't any!

8) Wear white shoes after Labor Day

7) Stop serving watercress sandwiches at Synagogue socials

6) Replace Muzak in Jewish doctor's offices with Klezmer CD's

5) Secretly replace all references to John Calvin in Presbyterian doctrine with "Calvin Klein"

4) Initiate hostile takeover of L.L. Bean

3) Crash the next party at the country club

2) Water down the booze in junior's sippy cup

1) Let them do their own damn taxes!

Friday, January 21, 2005

Top 5 Signs Spongebob Squarepants Isn't Gay

5) Lives in a place called "Bikini Bottom," not "Thong Bottom"

4) Works as a waiter, but doesn't tell people he's "really an actor"

3) Never wears black

2) His restaurant doesn't serve sour apple martinis

1) Actually does wear underwear

Abbas Acts
Mahmoud Abbas is hoping to stop Palestinian terror attacks by sending 2,000 troops to cover 45 square miles of the border with Israel. The other 100 square miles will be covered by Suha Arafat.

Powell Quits
FCC Chairman Michael Powell is stepping down. Now that his daddy is headed to the private sector, he has to be ready to trade the government job he didn't deserve for a cushy corporate job he doesn't deserve.

NYC Snowstorm
With snow already on the ground, another big snowstorm is headed for New York this weekend . The city hasn't been this covered in white since the Republican National Convention.

Cheating Defense
The Defense Department is developing a fingerprinting system to prevent infantry recruits from getting someone else to take aptitude tests for them. That's because the Pentagon only wants stupid people planning the war, not fighting it.

Strip Club Expansion
The owner of a chain of high-end strip clubs in Texas is having trouble opening a new location in New York City. But if he can't buy a new facility, he can just try to take over the action at Bernard Kerik's apartments.

Pressure on the Eagles
This Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles will try to avoid becoming the first team to lose 4 straight conference championship games. But if the Eagles do lose, their head coach will automatically become the leading candidate to chair the Democratic National Committee.

O.J.'s Daughter Busted
O.J. Simpson's 19 year-old daughter was arrested at a high school basketball game in Miami after police say she slapped an officer. Now all her lawyers need to do prove is how Mark Fuhrman was able to plant the slap marks on the cop's face from 2,000 miles away.

Elephant Toilet Training
Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. The process is showing some success, despite continued picketing by proud members of the Elephant Dung-Cleaning Union.

Dirty Water
Random tests of the water aboard 169 U.S. passenger planes found contamination by fecal bacteria on 17% of them. But frequent fliers doubt those results, because they say they're forced to eat sh*t on 100% of their flights.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday

Inaugural Themes
President Bush is expected to focus on the themes of "liberty" and "freedom" during his inaugural address. Words that will have special meaning as everyone in Washington is continually frisked and harassed by soldiers, police, and security guards.

Top 5 Memorable Quotes from President Bush's Second Inaugural Address

5) It's broke... and I ain't fixing it!"

4) "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do for Halliburton!"

3) "All we have to fear is... gay marriage!"

2) "Don't Blame me, I voted for Kerry!"

1) Four score and 7 years ago... wait, how many years is that exactly?"

Party Mouth
At the GOP youth concert celebrating President Bush's second inauguration, the lead singer of the group Fuel, accidentally said, "Welcome to the greatest f***ing country in the world!" But it was still appropriate, since he said that while introducing Dick Cheney.

Johnny the Writer
CBS says Johnny Carson has occasionally been writing material for David Letterman's monologues. Well, that explains why Dave has been doing so many jokes about Zsa Zsa Gabor lately.

Iraq Vote Preparations
The Iraqi government says it will close its border crossings, restrict travel between its cities, and enforce tight curfews before the elections on January 30. None of this will stop the terrorists, but it should keep those stupid exit-pollsters from getting in.

Haj Continues
As part of the holy pilgrimage known as the Haj, millions of Muslims are in Mecca to gaze upon Mount Arafat. But I thought Suha lived in Paris.

Drunk Driving Laws
The Massachusetts state legislature still hasn't passed a bill that would get tougher on repeat drunken drivers. Insiders say the representatives are torn between defeating the bill and losing millions of dollars worth of federal highway funds, or passing the bill and offending Ted Kennedy.

Iran Not Afraid
Iran's defense minister is bragging that his country is not afraid of the U.S. invasion, and has done everything necessary to deter an invasion. In other words, they're paying Karl Rove to advise against it.

New CBS News Format
CBS says it may adopt a multi-anchor format after Dan Rather leaves. It won't win over more viewers, but it will add to the number of people forgers will have to fool before they can get their phony stories on the air.

Strange Discovery
Doctors in Saudi Arabia cut open a patient complaining of stomach pains and found a toothbrush he swallowed 22 years ago. Of course, the surgeons were shocked that a man in Saudi Arabia actually had a toothbrush.

Game Delayed
A Miami Heat game was delayed for 20 minutes last week when a dog defecated on the court. But most of the Knicks do that every night, and no one delays their games!

Homeless High
A 21-year old homeless man has been arrested after trying to blend in with the students at a Minneapolis high school. Experts say the drunk and unkempt man would have been a lot more successful trying to blend in at one of the local colleges.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Pentagon Denial
The Pentagon continues to angrily attack journalist Sy Hersh, calling his New Yorker article alleging that Iran is next on President Bush's target list "outlandish" and "outrageous"... "and so crazy that it just might work."

Melania's Gown
Vogue magazine says Melania Knauss' wedding dress cost more than $100,000, took 28 seamstresses more than 1000 hours to make, and uses almost 300 feet of material.... oh no wait, that's what it took to make Donald Trump's hair.

New Job
Patrick Lawler, the construction worker who didn't realize he had a nail lodged in his head, says he doesn't want to be a construction worker anymore. Of course after his experience, he's the perfect choice to be the new Chairman of the Democratic National Committee!

Top 10 Working Titles for the new Donald Trump Broadway Musical

10) "Lame!"

9) "How to Not Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"

8) "Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Construction Workers"

7) "Outrageous Rent"

6) "Hair?"

5) "The Best Little Whore in Business"

4) "Les Miserables Casinos"

3) "The Phantom of Bankruptcy Court"

2) "Beauty and the Beast"

1) "The Lying King"

Inauguration Security
Soldiers are blanketing the streets of Washington D.C., snipers are perched on every rooftop, civilians are being subjected to extensive searches, and all business has been virtually shut down. It's just the Bush administration's way of making all the troops on leave from Iraq feel at home.

Big Plane
Europe's Airbus has just unveiled the world's biggest-ever passenger plane, with room for 840 passengers. Usually to get that many Europeans crammed together in one place you have to hold an anti-American demonstration.

WorldCom Case
The judge in former WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers' trial has ruled the defense can quiz the government's star witness about marital infidelity. Experts say the defense strategy is the height of hypocrisy, especially since Ebbers was screwing millions of WorldCom shareholders for years.

Rice Hearings
Condoleezza Rice's Secretary of State confirmation hearing began with Rice saying that a U.S. exit strategy from Iraq is "directly proportional" to Iraq's ability to defend itself against terrorists after this month's election...Which is the fancy way of saying: "We're never getting out of there."

Emails from Paris
A hacker recently got access to Paris Hilton's Blackberry and was reading her private e-mails. But no charges will be filed because you can't invade the privacy of someone who is not interested in having any privacy.

Some Suggestions on Beating the Cold from America's Leading Celebrities

Brad Pitt: "Spend the night with Angelina Jolie."

John Ashcroft: "If you run out of firewood, The Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and The Declaration of Independence make great kindling!"

Howard Dean: "Get yourself into a warming frenzy by reading off the names of all the states in the union."

Paris Hilton: "Sleep with one or two more strangers than you usually do each night."

Bernie Kerik: "Damn, Paris Hilton took my idea!"

Liza Minnelli: "First, polish off a nice case of Scotch, then start beating your husband and bodyguards until you forget about the
cold ."

Ted Kennedy: "I like the first part of Liza's suggestion, but after the Scotch, why not just take a nice drive?"

Halliburton Executives: "Build yourself a nice shelter out of all the supplies we're not providing the troops in Iraq."

Barbara Boxer: "Demand a hopeless investigation into why the sun is not getting its fair representation in your area."

Donald Trump: "Surround yourself with a group of even colder people; making you look and feel warmer."

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rice's Talents
Condoleezza Rice is expected to be a great advocate for the United States as Secretary of State. That's because if she could explain U.S. policy to President Bush for the last four years, then she can explain it to anybody.

Condoleezza Rice's Top 5 Priorities for the Next 4 Years

5) Distribute pearl earrings and necklaces for the citizens of all third world nations

4) Try not to "accidentally" call President Bush her husband again

3) Get those untidy Tsunami victims to clean up their mess before supper

2) Make sure the world's children practice more before each piano lesson

1) Get the Treasury Department to pay her enormous dental bills

Kerik is Coming
Shamed former Homeland Security nominee Bernard Kerik has still been invited to President Bush's inaugural festivities. The celebrations are perfect for Kerik because with 14 different inaugural balls, it's the only way he can show all his wives and mistresses a really good time.

Summer's Controversy
Harvard president Lawrence Summers is being attacked for suggesting that there may be biological reasons for why women don't excel in math and science. But experts say biology is a factor, because women are discouraged from staying in math and science classes by all the geeky male students slobbering over them.

As millions of Americans return to work today, many of them are still thinking about the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. A man who fought for civil rights, equality, and a long holiday weekend in January so White folks could go skiing.

Iraq Vote
Critics say many of the people voting in Iraq's election will actually be Iraqis now living in the United States casting absentee ballots. But since the largest Iraqi-American community is in Detroit, most of the absentee voters certainly will know what it's like to live in a war zone.

Fear Factor Attractions
Universal theme parks is opening a new attraction called "Fear Factor Live," where park visitors can participate in challenges like those on the NBC show. Actually, visitors have been doing that at the parks' snack bars for years.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Iran Next?
Journalist Seymour Hersh says he has evidence the U.S. is planning a possible attack on Iran. But the White House says there is no reason for such an attack because President Bush has already won re-election.

Top 5 Reasons the U.S. Won't Invade Iran

5) Don't have time to teach President Bush how to pronounce a whole new list of foreign names and places

4) The whole Iraq thing didn't boost the stock market as much as we hoped, so why try again?

3) Too tough to bomb Tehran without hitting all the Halliburton executives

2) Government needs to bring more troops home to deal with irate seniors upset about Social Security

1) What, and risk pre-empting "Desperate Housewives?"

Brien's Misses
After missing two potential game-winning field goals, some psychologists are worried about New York Jets kicker Doug Brien's mental state and what he might do to himself. Of course the best way to ensure Brien doesn't kill himself is to have some of the Jets fans shoot him first.

Pittsburgh Ballet Cutbacks
The Pittsburgh Ballet is starting some cutbacks to help overcome its $1 million deficit. The first thing it's doing is taking away all the meals the dancers just end up throwing up anyway.

Gay Weapon
The Defense Department now admits it considered creating a poison gas that would spur opposing troops to homosexual activity. But the Pentagon rejected the project when it realized it could get the same results simply by having Barbra Streisand perform behind enemy lines.

Top 5 Things Mahmoud Abbas is Telling Hamas to Help Stop Terror Attacks

5) "One more bombing, and you can forget about going to any of Prince Harry's parties"

4) "Don't make me bring Suha out of hiding"

3) "Free iPods for every militant who doesn't kill anyone this month!"

2) "If you guys don't cool it back there, I'm turning this explosive-rigged car right around and we're going back home!"

1) "I'm going to give every telemarketer your cell phone numbers"

Golden Globes Perks
Because the stars are served free alcohol during the ceremony, the Golden Globes are often hyped as an event where "anything can happen." But experts say if you really want to see Hollywood celebrities acting unpredictably, try not serving them any booze for three hours.

Nazi Ban
The European Union is considering banning Nazi symbols to combat growing Anti-Semitism. But experts say the EU should spend its time discussing things that Europeans are actually more likely to support, like banning soccer.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Marley Exhumed?
Bob Marley's family is considering exhuming his body from its grave in Jamaica and reburying it in Ethiopia. The issue is a sticky one for Marley's fans; some want to leave his remains alone, others think the body should be moved, but most of them just want to smoke it.

Saturday, January 15, 2005


The long-awaited second round of the NY Improv Stand Up contest is finally here!!!

I'll be performing at 7pm TONIGHT, and I'd love your support!

Please RESERVE your spot as soon as you can at (212) 629-1781

The New York Improv is located at 318 W. 53rd St., right off the corner of Eighth Avenue and in the heart of the Broadway Theater District.
Here's their Web site: NY Improv

Railroad Groper
A 57-year old man was arrested yesterday for groping female riders as they slept on the Long Island Railroad. While some women want the man put away for a long time, most women say they'd take their chances with guys like that if they could actually get a seat on the train every morning.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Harry to Auschwitz
In the wake of Prince Harry's Nazi uniform debacle, Prince Charles is ordering him to visit Auschwitz. Harry was actually very willing to go, until he found out he won't be able to work there as a guard.

Top 5 Places to Send Prince Harry for a More Severe Punishment

5) Schools where the teachers won't let him cheat

4) Fergie's bathroom

3) Non-alcoholic beer factory

2) Knicks-Nets game

1) Set of new British TV show: "Common Sense Eye for the Fascist Guy"

Huygens Lands
NASA's "Huygens" probe landed on the surface of Saturn's moon Titan today. So far the probe has confirmed that the atmosphere on Titan is devoid of oxygen and averages temperatures below zero... which means it still makes more sense to live there than most parts of California right now.

Mudslide Victims
Hundreds of people whose homes were destroyed in the California mudslides insist on moving right back into the area. The residents say they're not doing because they're stupid, but because they "want revenge."

Bush's Mistakes
President Bush told a group of interviewers that he now realizes that some of his words have led to unfortunate and unintended consequences. Experts say the words he used that have led to the worst consequences were: "I'm running for President of the United States."

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Prince Harry Shocker
The British royal family is on the defensive after Prince Harry was photographed wearing a Nazi uniform at a party. Experts say that after all the hard work Harry did just to become Prince, it's shocking that he would risk blowing it all on a stunt like this.

Prince Harry Shocker II
Prince Harry's behavior is coming as a total shock to millions. Most decent people find it shocking that a member of the British royal family would wear a Nazi uniform, especially since that's the kind of behavior we expect only from the French royal family.

Top 5 Things Prince Harry was Thinking When He Decided to Wear a Nazi Army Uniform in Public

5) This will stop all that talk about me not being ready for military service

4) Now I'm sure to get that role as the new villain in the next Harry Potter movie

3) This will keep those paparazzi guys away from me now!

2) Rommel drove tanks, I wanna drive tanks... perfect!

1) The French chicks are really gonna dig this!

Lincoln Gay?
A new book claims that Abraham Lincoln was secretly gay. But if Lincoln were gay would he really have started a war and dressed the entire Union army in the same drab dark blue outfits?

Top 5 Gayest Presidential Names

5) Woodrow Wilson

4) Franklin Pierce

3) James Polk

2) Millard Fillmore

1) Warren Harding

Love Case
Courtney Love regained custody of her daughter after a judge in Los Angeles decided she was better off with her mother. But that's only because the girl is a drug dealer.

Social Security Overhaul
President Bush wants Americans in their 20's to get the right to invest their Social Security withholdings in the stock market. That's because after Wall Street steals all their money, they'll be a lot more likely to volunteer for duty in Iraq.

Bush Plea
President Bush is working to convince Congress that it must overhaul Social Security system before it "goes bust." Of course, the President used those exact words because the best way to get most of Congress' attention is to say the word "bust" as much as possible.

WMD Search Over
Earlier this week, the top American weapons inspector in Iraq officially ended the search for weapons of mass destruction. Actually, his job officially ended the moment President Bush safely won re-election.

Farrah's New Show
Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal may star in a reality series called "Chasing Farrah." But if the producers truly wanted it to be a reality show, it should be called "Running Away from Farrah."

Arnold Mudslides
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is personally overseeing the recovery effort at the scene of some of the worst California mudslides. Crews are hoping Arnold will use some of the same skills he showed when he salvaged his career even after doing "The Last Action Hero."

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Abbas Invitation
President Bush says he will invite newly-elected Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to the White House, something he never did for Yasser Arafat... but that's only because Arafat always came with Mrs. Arafat.

Biggest Loser
The weight-busting reality show "The Biggest Loser," hosted by Caroline Rhea, broadcast its live finale last night. A man who lost 122 pounds was technically declared the winner, but everyone who watched the show agreed that the real biggest loser is obviously Caroline Rhea.

New iPod
Apple is introducing a new $99 iPod. It can store 120 songs, fits in your pocket, and it makes everyone who paid three times as much for an iPod just last month feel like a huge idiot.

Torture Case
A lawyer for the accused ringleader in the Iraq prisoner-abuse scandal compared putting naked prisoners into pyramids to cheerleaders saying, "Don't cheerleaders form pyramids? Is that torture?" As a matter of fact, yes... yes it is.

Macaulay's Testimony
Former child actor Macaulay Culkin is willing to testify that Michael Jackson never molested him during his many childhood sleepovers at Neverland. But first, Culkin has to come out of his drug-induced, memory-destroying stupor.

New Mad Cow
Another cow suffering from Mad Cow disease has been found in Canada. But the government says no part of the cow has been converted into any edible food product... which still means it could be on the grill at Jack in the Box right now.

Rosie Objects
Rosie O'Donnell is blasting the U.S. Supreme Court's refusal to toss out a Florida law banning gay adoption. But the court defended the decision by saying it only did it to make sure no more children are adopted by Rosie O'Donnell.

Cuba Oil
A very large crude-oil deposit has been discovered off the coast of Cuba. Now that oil can be used to fulfill the dreams of thousands of Cubans, who will use the fuel to power the hundreds of motorboats they'll use to escape from Cuba

Cell Phone Warning
A new study says parents should not give mobile phones to children as a precaution against radiation. And it's also a good idea not to give mobile phones to children as a precaution against going bankrupt.

Ridge Warning
Outgoing Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge says his department will use a number of different methods to deter terrorists from infiltrating President Bush's second inaugural next week. But apparently nothing will scare them off more than the $35,000 they're charging every person to attend President Bush's second inaugural.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new satirical piece published on The Fake News Web site! Here's the link: The Fake News

New Homeland Security Chief
President Bush has nominated Judge Michael Chertoff to become the new Homeland Security Secretary, even though Chertoff has no management experience. But if that were important to President Bush, he never would have run for office himself.

Top 5 Ways Career Lawyer Michael Chertoff Will Stop Terrorism

5) Boost billable hours and drive al Qaeda out of business

4) Treat Guantanamo detainees like 1st-year associates, and make them work 80 hours a week as glorified clerks

3) Give suspected terrorists killer Torts exams

2) Force al Qaeda members to write a legal brief on the best late-night take out places in Manhattan

1) Ignore the terrorists like most lawyers ignore their clients... and they'll eventually go away

Brian Williams Humor
Since he took over from Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has been trying to work some of his own humor into the broadcast. But critics say NBC should first try to work some humor into "Saturday Night Live."

Dustin Desperate?
Dustin Hoffman is denying a report that he is about to leave the US and live in London to escape George W. Bush's second term. But President Bush is confirming that he will be leaving the U.S. right after his second term to avoid Dustin Hoffman

Top 5 Reasons Randy Johnson Stopped a Local CBS-TV News Crew from Taking His Picture

5) Angry over the way CBS handled President Bush's National Guard records

4) Pouting over the attention going to new Met Carlos Beltran

3) Doesn't want anyone to see the six guys he pays just to carry his wallet around

2) Was on his way into "Bed, Bath and Beyond"

1) Have you seen what Randy Johnson looks like?

FOX Blocker
A new device is being sold called FOXBlocker, which attaches to cable boxes and keeps you from watching the Fox News Channel. Of course most people already have something that should help them avoid watching the FOX News Channel... it's called a "brain."

Dumb Directions
The winner of the annual award for the most obvious consumer warning label was the sign on a toilet brush saying, "Do not use for personal hygiene." But the people who thought that label was superfluous obviously don't know Jessica Simpson.

Mapes Complaint
After CBS fired producer Mary Mapes for the Bush National Guard memo forgery scandal, Mapes said she was the victim of "scapegoating." The network denies that, especially since they also say Mapes is responsible for "Two and a Half Men," "Listen Up," and Janet Jackson's breasts.

Pitt Decision
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston spent a New Year's vacation on a secluded Caribbean beach, even though they had already decided to divorce. But that's just because they were too cheap to pay the cancellation charges.

DNA Dragnet
Hoping for a break in an unsolved mystery, police in Truro, Massachusetts are asking the entire male population to voluntarily give DNA samples. Most men are not in favor of complying, except for the town's 14 to 17-year old boys who seem to be very anxious to give their sperm samples.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Abbas Wins
Now that he's won the Palestinian presidential election, Mahmoud Abbas faces serious challenges ahead. But first, he has to avoid being hit by all the bullets his supporters have been shooting into the air since yesterday.

Pro-Life Democrat
Former Congressman Tim Roemer, who is pro-life, is actively trying to become the new Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Hey, maybe if they choose a pro-life party chairman, the Democrats' next presidential campaign won't end up being such an abortion.

Tsunami Debt Relief
Many of the world's leading banks are freezing debt repayments from the countries hardest hit by the tsunami disaster. In hopes of getting the same treatment, Donald Trump is flooding all of his casinos.

Top 5 Other Secret Bush Administration Payoffs

5) Elmo paid three cookies a day to act a little less gay

4) Major news networks given major tax breaks in return for hiring reporters with no curiosity, guts

3) Mets paid millions of dollars to keep making Bush administration look relatively organized

2) Rush Limbaugh treated to daily all-you-Can-Eat Oxycontin & Twinkie Buffet

1) Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie paid to travel country, look dumber than the President

CBS Firings
Four CBS executives were fired today for the "60 Minutes" story about President Bush's National Guard service based on forged documents. Luckily, they were all immediately hired by Michael Moore.

Hooker Snitch
A prostitute turned in a customer after seeing child pornography on the man's home computer. But defense lawyers are arguing her testimony should be thrown out because it breaks the rules of "Hooker-John" privilege.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Armstrong Williams Scandal
The Bush Administration admits it paid radio host Armstrong Williams $240,000 to promote it's "No Child Left Behind" policy. But if they paid Armstrong Williams that much to make President Bush look good, think of how much they had to pay John Kerry!

Armstrong Williams Scandal II
Critics continue to blast the White House for paying off radio host Armstrong Williams. But it's not clear what's the bigger waste; the $240,000 the administration paid Williams to pretend he supported its polices, or the $400,000 it pays George W. Bush to pretend he's President.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Brad & Jen Split
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have announced they are separating. The announcement is sobering most members of the American news media, who almost missed the story because of all of that frivolous tsunami coverage.

Top 5 Reasons Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston are Splitting Up

5) Brad wanted a baby, Jen wanted some talent

4) Jen was tired of Brad being the prettier one

3) Political differences; Brad voted for the Democrats, Jen voted voted for Clay Aiken.

2) Without the "Friends" writers, Jen really doesn't have anything to say

1) First rule of celebrity marriage fight club: Don't talk about celebrity marriage fight club!

Friday, January 07, 2005

Gere Plea
Actor Richard Gere is appearing in TV commercials urging Palestinians to vote in this weekend's elections, but many Palestinians say they don't know who Gere is and they wish he'd leave them alone. So, there is something Palestinians have in common with Americans after all!

Top 10 Mahmoud Abbas Election Slogans

10) "Abbas: Ending Corruption, Because There's No More Money Left to Steal"

9) "Less Hamas, More Humus!"

8) (For the teen voters): "He's Putting the Gazazzle to the Ramallazzle"

7) "Abbas: He's FATAH-istic!"

6) "Read My Lips... No New Secret Bank Accounts"

5) "Blowing Up the Bridge to the 21st Century"

4) "A Kinder, Gentler Anti-Semite"

3) "Don't Stop Thinking About... Resolution 242"

2) "It's Time for a Leader Who Shaves"

1) "Who's Your Abbas?!?"

Inaugural Strike?
Maids and cooks at all the major Washington hotels are threatening to strike just before the inauguration, inconveniencing thousands of tourists set to arrive in the Capital. Now, Bush supporters from the red states will have to bring their slaves with them just in case.

They See Dead People
Both Michael Keaton in the new movie "White Noise," and Patricia Arquette in the new NBC show "Medium" play people in contact with the dead. Coincidentally, everyone who watches these productions will be in contact with actors whose careers are dead.

Tut Investigation
King Tut's body has been subjected to a CT scan to find out how he really died. Historians are hoping to find out more about ancient Egyptian politics, archaeologists are hoping to learn more about ancient weapons, and CBS executives are hoping this will be a good excuse to launch another "CSI" spin-off.

Top 5 Real Reasons King Tut Died at 17

5) Distracted by his chariot radio while in heavy Cairo traffic

4) Extreme depression after getting kicked out of leading Egyptian "boy band"

3) Ancient herbal painkillers actually caused heart disease

2) Lost a duel to Strom Thurmond

1) Killed by Egyptian mobsters after he uncovered Pyramid construction kickback scheme

Radio Bribe
Talk show host Armstrong Williams now admits the Bush administration paid him $240,000 to promote the "No Child Left Behind" program on his radio show. Critics are calling it a waste of taxpayer money, not because it was propaganda, but because nobody actually listens to Armstrong Williams.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Gonzales Hearing
During today's Senate confirmation hearings, Attorney General-Designate Alberto Gonzales was criticized by some Senators for favoring some forms of torture. But critics say those same Senators obviously favor some forms of torture too... like making people sit through Senate hearings.

Top 5 Torture Devices Allegedly Favored By Alberto Gonzales

5) Ashlee Simpson CD's

4) Mets season tickets

3) FCC rule book

2) Room full of loud cell phone talkers


Yates Ruling
Child-killer Andrea Yates is getting a new trial after her lawyers proved a prosecution witness based his testimony on an episode of "Law and Order" that never really existed. Meanwhile, Robert Blake's lawyers are trying to prove the charges against him are all based on a bad episode of "Beretta."

Mets Offer
Officials from the New York Mets have gone to Puerto Rico to offer all-star Carlos Beltran a $105 million contract. So if talks with Beltran break down, they can always just buy Puerto Rico.

Evel Suit
A judge has thrown out Evel Knievel's lawsuit against for using the caption "pimp" under his picture. The court said no one would think Knievel is really a pimp because everyone knows pimps break OTHER people's bones, not their own.

Reserve Crisis
The head of the Army Reserves says dealing with reservists who actually don't want to serve is compromising the military. It's almost as bad as having to deal with all the active-duty soldiers in Iraq who actually don't want to be killed.

Save the Children
Several U.S. agencies are swooping in to help newly-orphaned tsunami victims. The State Department is trying to re-unite them with extended family, the Peace Corps is trying to save them from pedophiles, and the Pentagon is trying to draft them.

Lawsuit Attack
President Bush is lashing out at malpractice lawsuits again. Bush says frivolous suits boost the cost of hospitalization, make doctors too cautious, and delay the release of all the great new painkillers that will eventually give you a heart attack.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

WEB ALERT!! A new satirical story venting my frustration over the unbalanced coverage of the tsunami victims has been published on the Fake News web site! Here's the link: The Fake News

Condom Test
A new study has rated Durex Condoms the #1 condoms on the market. That's funny, after last night I thought the Trojans were #1.

USC Wins it All
USC claimed a second straight national college football championship after they beat Oklahoma 55-19 last night. The 55 points are pretty impressive for coach Pete Carroll's Trojans; even Bill Clinton and Bernie Kerik's Trojans never scored that much in one night.

Tsunami Image
The tsunami disaster is helping the U.S. improve its standing in the world. Not because Americans are doing the most to help the victims, it's just that now there's finally a part of the world that's more of a mess than Iraq.

Leonardo's Horror
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who starred in the 2000 movie "The Beach," revisited the Thai island where the movie was set and says he's "never seen such horrific devastation." But that's only because he never actually saw "The Beach."

Tsunami Pedophiles
The good news is that several celebrities are promising to go to Thailand to save child tsunami victims from pedophiles. The bad news is they're R.Kelly, Paula Poundstone and Michael Jackson.

Secret Candidates
Reports say most of the candidates in the Iraqi elections are actually in hiding and have been trying to do their campaigning in secret. Well, it worked for Dick Cheney!

New Ethics Rules
The House has a new rule that will now require a majority vote of its 10-member ethics committee before any complaint against a Congressman can be investigated. Critics say the only problem with the bill is that a majority of the Congressmen on the ethics committee still don't actually know what ethics are.

Top 5 Best Ways to Catch New York's Worst Criminals

5) Throw a party for Bernie Kerik, then arrest all his friends

4) Set up a web site with pictures of the most-wanted... then to get people to actually visit the site, throw in some free porn

3) Throw a party for Martha Stewart, then arrest all her friends

2) Send off-duty cops to all the city OTB parlors at 1 PM every weekday... oh wait, they're all already there

1) Offer everyone free Mets season tickets; anyone who takes them can be locked up for being dangerously insane

Playboy's iBod
Instead of listening to music during your morning drive to work, Playboy is now offering nude pictures that people can download on their iPods. In a related story, Playboy has bought a controlling interest in every auto repair shop in America.

Pregnancy Hoax
The 59-year-old great-grandmother from Georgia who made dozens of newspapers and cable news shows when she said she was pregnant with twins, is not really pregnant. Her family says she has some mental disabilities, but it's not clear if they're as serious as the mental disabilities afflicting the people at the newspapers and cable news shows who covered this story.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Top 5 Things Being Done to Welcome New Yankee Randy Johnson

5) 25% more headroom on all subway trains

4) Sen. Hillary Clinton will prove how much of Yankee fan she really is and actually go to a game... ah, who are we kidding?

3) Parks Commission will allow hunting and fishing in Central Park

2) Gay bars in Chelsea will serve new drink called "The Randy Johnson," oh wait, they already do that!

1) Huge unused City property will be given to Johnson for a new home... it's called "Shea Stadium

Tsunami Donations
To help the tsunami relief effort, actress Sandra Bullock is making a $1 million donation to the Red Cross. And in a similar act of mercy, Sylvester Stallone is promising not to make any more movies.

Top 5 Valuable Items Hollywood is Donating to Tsunami Relief Efforts

5) Paris Hilton's entirely unused brain

4) All the food Calista Flockhart hasn't eaten in the last 6 months

3) J. Lo's engagement ring collection

2) Michael Jackson's original face

1) Liza Minnelli's weekly liquor allowance

Tsunami Coverage
CNN is earning kudos for its quick and extensive coverage of the tsunamis, while rival FOX News Channel took a while to get correspondents on the scene. FOX says it's not that it doesn't care about the victims, it just needed a few days to figure out how to blame the disaster on Hillary Clinton.

Tsunami Toll
The death toll in the Asian tsunami disaster continues to climb near 200,000... but the most important news is still the condition of supermodel Petra Nemcova, who is still feeling some slight discomfort.

Iraqi Explosion
Two more American soldiers and some Iraqi civilians were killed in another car bomb blast today. But there will be no more coverage of insurgent attacks in Iraq unless a supermodel is injured.

Powell and Jeb
Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Governor Jeb Bush are continuing their vigorous efforts in Southeast Asia. Powell is still struggling to keep relief supplies flowing, while Bush is still trying to score some higher-quality drugs for his daughter Noel.

Amber's Thoughts
Amber Frey says she sometimes wonders if Scott Peterson still thinks about her. Peterson's fellow inmates say he probably does, especially because he shouts, "Why couldn't Amber Frey keep her god-damned mouth shut?!?!", 100 times every night.

Mad Cow Scare
Canada says its latest mad cow scare was just a false alarm. It turns out the cow was just angry about the NHL lockout, and calmed down after getting free tickets to a junior hockey game a few days later.

Chinese Cars
Chinese-made cars will be sold in the U.S. for the first time later this year. Ironically, the inexpensive vehicles are being marketed to American autoworkers whose jobs have been outsourced to China.

Angels Change
The owner of the Anaheim Angels is changing the team's name to the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim," saying using changing the city name on the team will improve revenues. Well, that explains why I've been shopping at "The Beverly Hills Wal-Mart of Inglewood."

Monday, January 03, 2005

Powell Arrives
Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell has arrived in Asia to oversee the disaster relief effort. Powell is the best guy to deal with the tsunami victims because he's washed-up too.

Bush and Clinton
President Bush has appointed his father and former President Clinton to lead fundraising efforts for the tsunami victims. Bush will help boost donations from the corporate sector, and Clinton will help boost donations from guys who dig Asian chicks.

Sweden's Toll
As many as 8,000 Swedish tourists and citizens living abroad have been killed in the tsunami disaster. It's the greatest natural calamity to hit Sweden since ABBA broke up.

Ticket Price Cut
The good news is that travelers will soon be getting cheaper airline ticket prices to many destinations. The bad news is you'll still have to pay extra if you want your luggage to end up in any of those destinations.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

SeaWorld Ticket Hike
SeaWorld is raising ticket prices by 11% for 2005. The park says it's only doing it to beat the huge free agent deal the Yankees are offering Shamu.

Afghan Heroin
The Bush administration needs to come up with a plan to deter heroin production in Afghanistan. Experts say the White House will probably do what it's done with all the leading companies in the U.S. and encourage the poppy farmers to move their business to India.

No Cabbie Killings
Not one cab driver was killed in New York City in 2004... a new record. Experts say it's mostly because when the cabbies put their hands up, the stench knocks all the would-be muggers out cold.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Anna Nicole Ruling
A federal appeals court has nullified Anna Nicole Smith's $88 million inheritance from her late husband J. Howard Marshall. That's the biggest fortune stripped off Smith since a surgeon removed her original breast implants.

Anna Nicole Ruling II
A federal appeals court has nullified Anna Nicole Smith's $88 million inheritance from her late husband J. Howard Marshall. Experts say without money, Smith will now face the daunting challenge of becoming an even bigger piece of white trash than she already is.

New Year's Cleanup
New York City sanitation workers labored tirelessly into the morning hours to sweep up more than 50 tons of garbage left in Times Square. It's the most crap anyone's had to sweep out of New York since the Republican National Convention ended last summer.

Top 5 Slogans Used by Libya to Entice American Oil Companies

5) Halliburton Doesn't Own Us!... Yet

4) No technology, no human rights, but plenty of oil... just like Texas!

3) Here, bribes are tax deductable!

2) We may have killed hundreds of Americans in terror attacks... but we never had a gay marriage

1) Please come here before Rumsfeld finds a reason to invade