Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today. Here's the link: Newsday


Inaugural Themes
President Bush is expected to focus on the themes of "liberty" and "freedom" during his inaugural address. Words that will have special meaning as everyone in Washington is continually frisked and harassed by soldiers, police, and security guards.

Top 5 Memorable Quotes from President Bush's Second Inaugural Address

5) It's broke... and I ain't fixing it!"

4) "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do for Halliburton!"

3) "All we have to fear is... gay marriage!"

2) "Don't Blame me, I voted for Kerry!"

1) Four score and 7 years ago... wait, how many years is that exactly?"

Party Mouth
At the GOP youth concert celebrating President Bush's second inauguration, the lead singer of the group Fuel, accidentally said, "Welcome to the greatest f***ing country in the world!" But it was still appropriate, since he said that while introducing Dick Cheney.

Johnny the Writer
CBS says Johnny Carson has occasionally been writing material for David Letterman's monologues. Well, that explains why Dave has been doing so many jokes about Zsa Zsa Gabor lately.

Iraq Vote Preparations
The Iraqi government says it will close its border crossings, restrict travel between its cities, and enforce tight curfews before the elections on January 30. None of this will stop the terrorists, but it should keep those stupid exit-pollsters from getting in.

Haj Continues
As part of the holy pilgrimage known as the Haj, millions of Muslims are in Mecca to gaze upon Mount Arafat. But I thought Suha lived in Paris.

Drunk Driving Laws
The Massachusetts state legislature still hasn't passed a bill that would get tougher on repeat drunken drivers. Insiders say the representatives are torn between defeating the bill and losing millions of dollars worth of federal highway funds, or passing the bill and offending Ted Kennedy.

Iran Not Afraid
Iran's defense minister is bragging that his country is not afraid of the U.S. invasion, and has done everything necessary to deter an invasion. In other words, they're paying Karl Rove to advise against it.

New CBS News Format
CBS says it may adopt a multi-anchor format after Dan Rather leaves. It won't win over more viewers, but it will add to the number of people forgers will have to fool before they can get their phony stories on the air.

Strange Discovery
Doctors in Saudi Arabia cut open a patient complaining of stomach pains and found a toothbrush he swallowed 22 years ago. Of course, the surgeons were shocked that a man in Saudi Arabia actually had a toothbrush.

Game Delayed
A Miami Heat game was delayed for 20 minutes last week when a dog defecated on the court. But most of the Knicks do that every night, and no one delays their games!

Homeless High
A 21-year old homeless man has been arrested after trying to blend in with the students at a Minneapolis high school. Experts say the drunk and unkempt man would have been a lot more successful trying to blend in at one of the local colleges.