November 7th


1885: Construction comes to a complete end on the Canadian Pacific Railway railway when Molson go on sale for the first time.


1929: In New York City, the Museum of Modern Art opens to the public.... ensuring that New York's men will get laid for decades to come.


2000: The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration discovers a huge LSD labs inside a converted military missile silo in Wamego, Kansas. DEA agents call for reinforcements, lava lamps, and a dozen Jimmy Hendrix albums.


2002: Iran bans advertising of United States products... especially anything with the Geico cavemen.

Girardi Helps Out
Just hours after his team won the World Series, Yankees manager Joe Girardi stopped to help a driver who had crashed her car on the highway. Because she was already injured when he got there, Girardi immediately assumed she played for the Mets.



Free Food for Vets!
The good news is that restaurants like Applebee's, McCormick & Schmick's and Golden Corral are all giving free meals to veterans and active-duty military personnel on Veteran's Day. The bad news is that most of their meals are more deadly than an I.E.D.




Wall Street Swine Flu Shots
News that top employees at Goldman Sachs and Citigroup were able to get scarce H1N1 Flu shots this week has caused an uproar. But medical experts say that they had to innoculate the Wall Street executives first because the flu is fatal for pigs.



Obama's Next Trip
President Obama is going to Capitol Hill today to try to convince members of Congress to vote for the Democrats health care reform bill. But the more trips Obma makes to the Hill, the more Congressional Democrats end up supporting Chris Christie and favoring Olympics in Brazil.




Starbucks Profits
Starbucks says demand has been picking up at its stores in the last few months. It's not clear if that's due to coffee sales or the fact that more unemployed people are living in its bathrooms.





November 6th

1789: Pope Pius VI appoints Father John Carroll as the first Catholic bishop in the United States... the march toward Notre Dame football officially begins.


1861: Jefferson Davis is elected president of the Confederate States of America. This, despite not getting an endorsement from the NAACP.


1918: The Second Polish Republic is proclaimed in Poland. The First Polish Republic was mistakenly declared in Romania.


1947: Meet The Press makes its television debut freeing Americans from having to read the paper or think for themselves ever again.

Ford Safety Breakthrough
Ford is rolling out a new technology that will improve the safety of rear-seat passengers: inflatable seat belts. Meanwhile, GM and Chrysler workers are rolling an old technology that will improve the safety of their union benefits: inflatable campaign donations.



Yanks Win!
The Yankees won their 27th world title with a 7-3 win over the Phillies last night. Ticket prices for bleacher seats will now be $25,000 per game.



Sex Amnesia
Doctors have discovered a form of temporary amnesia that strikes people over 50 right after they have sex. They have also discovered a form of permanent amnesia that strikes people who have sex with Rosie O'Donnell.



Robot Aides
More and more elderly people in Japan are using robots to help them get around. The only trouble is the robots are more life-like than most Japanese people.



Maine Reaction
Gay rights advocates are looking past Maine's repeal of its gay marriage law. Now the rights groups are making the radical move of focusing on states where gay people actually want to live.






November 5th

1862: In Minnesota, 303 Dakota warriors are found guilty of rape and murder of whites and are sentenced to hang. 38 are ultimately executed; the others are reprieved, but forced to play college lacrosse.


1967: The Hither Green rail crash in the United Kingdom kills 49 people. The survivors include Bee Gee Robin Gibb. Oh, we came so close.


1995: André Dallaire attempts to assassinate Prime Minister Jean Chrétien of Canada. He is thwarted when the Prime Minister's wife reminds him that there was a hockey game on TV.

Corzine Loses
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine lost his bid for re-election. Now if he wants to continue ripping off the taxpayers, he'll have to go back to work at Goldman Sachs.



GOP Sweep
Republicans are celebrating their key victories in yesterday's off-year elections. Experts say the biggest reason conservatives were able to win is because none of the judges asked them about gay marriage during the swimsuit competition.



Buffet's Bet
Warren Buffett is calling his decision to buy the Burlington Northern Railroad an "all-in bet on the USA." That's because if the economy improves, the company stock will rise... and if it continues like this, most Americans will be stowing away on empty railroad cars.



Maine Spikes Gay Marriage
Voters in Maine repealed a state law that would have allowed gay marriage. It's not that Maine hates homosexuals, it's just that it's tired of being mistaken for Vermont.



Philly Strike, Day Two
Philadelphia transit workers continue to be on strike, grinding all city buses and trains to a halt for a second day. This would be a problem if anyone in Philadelphia actually had a job.






November 4th


1783: W.A. Mozart's Symphony No. 36 premières in Linz, Austria. It is illegally downloaded on iHarpsichords within 15 minutes.


1922: In Egypt, British archaeologist Howard Carter and his men find the entrance to King Tut's tomb... becoming the last people on Earth to see the artifacts without first having to wait in an unending line at the museum gift shop.


1924: Nellie Tayloe Ross of Wyoming is elected as the first female governor in the United States. She narrowly defeats a cow and scarecrow.


2002: Chinese authorities arrest cyber-dissident He Depu for signing a pro-democracy letter to the 16th Communist Party Congress... and refusing to finish making his quota of Dora the Explorer toy kitchens.

Election Day
All three of the candidates President Obama campaigned for this fall could go down to defeat today... proving once again that the constitutional right to vote is inherently racist.



Stimulus Job Inflation
A USA Today report finds that the White House is claiming thousands of stimulus jobs were created for just $1,500 per job. Either the government is hiring some of Eliot Spitzer's hookers by the hour, or something is wrong.



College Salaries
23 U.S. college presidents now make more than $1 million per year. Considering the numbers of students they get to pay $40k per year in tuition for useless degrees, they should either go to jail or make the really big bucks on Wall Street.




Bloomberg Election Spending
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is spending $35,000 per hour on his re-election campaign. $35,000 per hour just to save ONE job? The people in the White House can't believe how much money Bloomberg is saving!



MIT Star
MIT running back DeRon Brown is the most unique player in college football... not because he's averaging 170 yards per game, but because he's the only running back who can calculate his own stats.



Cereal Claims
Critics are blasting Kellogg's claim that its cereals can boost immunity. They're also questioning the company's assertion that it is saving millions of children's lives every day by now longer stuffing each cereal box with choking hazard toys.




November 3rd

1783: The American Continental Army is disbanded. Each of the leading generals starts working on a solo album.

1913: The United States introduces an income tax... or as Steve Forbes calls it, "The Holocaust."

1942: The Second Battle of El Alamein ends as German forces under Erwin Rommel are forced to retreat during the night. This would be Rommels greatest humiliation until he is portrayed in a lousy Tom Cruise movie 66 years later.

November 2nd


1895: The first gasoline-powered auto race in the United States. First prize: $2,000... which is now the price of filling up the average SUV.


1965: Norman Morrison, a 31-year-old Quaker, sets himself on fire in front of the Pentagon to protest the use of napalm in the Vietnam war. The annual Pentagon employees barbeque has to be moved to another parking lot.


1966: The Cuban Adjustment Act enters force, allowing 123,000 Cubans the opportunity to apply for permanent residence in the United States.... this was otherwise known as the "Major League Baseball Amateur Draft."

November 1st


1348: The anti-royalist Union of Valencia attacks the Jews of Murviedro on the pretext that they are serfs of the King of Valencia and thus "royalists". You don't have to work so hard to attack the Jews these days... you just have to go to the UN.


1512: The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo, is exhibited to the public for the first time. The New York Times pans it as "too religious."


1805: Napoleon Bonaparte invades Austria during the War of the Third Coalition. While he's gone, half of Paris invades his wife.


1946: The New York Knicks played against the Toronto Huskies at the Maple Leaf Gardens, in the first Basketball Association of America game. The Knicks would win 68-66, and then go on to father 15 illegitimate children.

October 31st


1517: Martin Luther posts his 95 theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg. His list is squeezed right between the witch burning poster and a call to kill more Jews.


1822: Emperor Agustín de Iturbide attempts to dissolve the Mexican Empire... by opening a restaurant on the U.S. border that pays $4.85 per hour.


1864: Nevada is admitted as the 36th U.S. state. The nation's whores and cash-strapped politicians rejoice.

Internet Anniversary
40 years ago today the first message was sent over the Internet. It was: "Hey, where's all the porn!"



Angry Muslim Wife
A New York City Muslim woman has been arrested for trying to slit her husband's throat after he tried to get her to eat pork. If a Jewish woman's husband tries to serve her pork, she makes him take her to a better restaurant.



Job Scam
It turns out that the White House has been incorrectly inflating the number of jobs created by the $787 billion stimulus plan. The Obama team says it made the mistakes because the cost of a government-bought calculator is $788 billion.



iPhone Perv App
There's a new iPhone app that let's you know if there's a registered sex offender in your vicinity. Of course if you're looking for someone who has never had sex of any kind, just look for the people standing on line to buy the new iPhone.



Cheaper Halloween
A new report shows that most Americans plan to spend less this Halloween. In fact, all of Steve Phillips' girlfriends are going to share the same Princess Leia costume.



Airline Cuts
US Airways is cutting 1,000 jobs, most of the laid off workers are hoping to get new jobs selling laptops to pilots at Northwest Airlines.





October 30th


1270: The Eighth Crusade ends by an agreement between Charles I of Sicily, the sultan of Tunis, and the ratings-challenged Crusader Television Network.


1938: Orson Welles broadcasts his radio play of H. G. Wells's The War of the Worlds, causing anxiety in some of the audience in the United States... but not as much anxiety as the guy who once ate Welles' last donut.


1995: Quebec sovereignists narrowly lose a referendum on declaring independence from Canada. Like most Americans, Quebecers realize it's just easier to ignore Canada altogether.