Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Loving Taxes
The Archbishop of Canterbury says he supports the idea of a "Robin Hood Tax" on all stock transactions. But only because it's allowed under Shariah law.

French Trip
President Obama arrives in France today for the G20 summit. His aides are already telling Greece he doesn't carry any spare change.

Card Reversal
Bank of America will no longer charge that $5 debit card fee. Customers will now just have to sit through 10 minutes of commercials every time they use an ATM.

Dodger Sale
Frank McCourt has finally agreed to sell the Los angeles Dodgers. He decided to cash out when he heard he could still invest his money with Jon Corzine.

Crash Landing
A Polish airline made an emergency landing in Warsaw yesterday. To make sure no one was injured during the landing, the pilots ejected all the passengers over the Atlantic Ocean.

November 2nd

1960: Penguin Books is found not guilty of obscenity in the Lady Chatterley's Lover case... but it is found liable for the disgusting things every 6th grade boy in America did while reading the book for the previous 20 years.

1965: Norman Morrison, a 31-year-old Quaker, sets himself on fire in front of the river entrance to the Pentagon to protest the use of napalm in the Vietnam war. The whole incident really puts a damper on the scheduled Pentagon employee barbeque later that day.

1966: The Cuban Adjustment Act comes into force, allowing 123,000 Cubans the opportunity to apply for permanent residence in the United States. Just by coincidence, 122,000 of them happen to be very good utility infielders.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Losing Fans
Movie audiences have shrunk to 10-year lows. Which means Hollywood can get away with continuing to remake all the movies we're not seeing now.

Obama Promise
President Obama is now promising that unemployment will be down to 8% by election day... and back up to 10% the days after when he and his whole administration are out of work.

Lowe's Move
Lowe's has stirred major controversy after pulling its commercials from a reality show about Muslims in America and there's talk of a boycott. This should really boost sales at Mosque Depot.

Tech experts say the iPad3 is coming out in February. That's just in time for all the geeky kids to recover from waiting in line for the latest "Twilight" movie.

Putin Protests
Anti-Putin protests are growing across Russia... otherwise known as "mass suicide."

December 12th

627: A Byzantine army under Emperor Heraclius defeats Emperor Khosrau II's Persian forces... but fails to cover the spread.

1098: The First Crusade's Massacre of Ma'arrat al-Numan – Crusaders breach the town's walls and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism... but other than that, it was a really nice day.

1917: Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys... and boys who would otherwise have gone to Penn State.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

December 11th

1282: Llywelyn the Last, the last native Prince of Wales, is killed at Cilmeri. He probably should have known something was up when he got the whole "the Last" name and all.

2001: The People's Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization... and immediately pirates all of its products.

2006: Felipe Calderon Hinojosa, the president of Mexico, launches a military-led offensive to put down the drug cartel violence in the state of Michoacan. Then all the troops take a break to get stoned.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

December 10th

1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor and Ferdinand II of Aragon. Its stated purpose was to form an alliance against Venice, but it was really mostly about fantasy football.

1899: Delta Sigma Phi Fraternity is founded at the City College of New York. It immediately starts hazing pledges by forcing them to spend a week in New Jersey.

1902: Women are given the right to vote in Tasmania... in a desperate attempt to try to get some women to move to Tasmania.

Friday, December 09, 2011

December 9th

1905: In France, the law separating church and state is passed. It quickly becomes almost as popular as the law separating French people from deodorant.

1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company… they all later get jobs at GM.

1966: Barbados joins the United Nations. Just by coincidence, the UN schedules its December meetings in Barbados.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Pipeline Connection
Republicans are willing to extend the payroll tax holiday if President Obama stops blocking the heavy job-creating construction of the Keystone Pipeline. The President has strongly rejected the idea because he only wants Americans to get a payroll tax cut, he never said anything about getting them on a payroll.

Texting Law
Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood wants a national law against texting while driving. It turns out its really dangerous to text people about how drunk you are when you'r the FAA chief and driving on the wrong side of the road.

Corzine Testimony
Jon Corzine will appear before a Congressional committee looking into the collapse of his MF Global hedge fund. Corzine is expected to offer every member of the committee his usual offer: the truth or a new campaign donation.

Baldwin Sorry
Alec Baldwin is apologizing to his fellow passengers after he delayed an American Airlines flight Tuesday during a dispute with a stewardess. Apparently, Baldwin got upset when he was told he was too big to keep his ass as a carry on item.

Mars Old Water
Scientists have found new evidence of ancient water on Mars... it was something very old beings used to drink called "Perrier."

December 8th

1854: Pope Pius IX proclaims that the Virgin Mary was born free of original sin... and without a condom.

1916: The Brookings Institution, one of the United States' oldest think tanks, is founded. And as soon as they think of something, they'll let us know.

1987: Frank Vitkovic shoots and kills eight people at the Australia Post Office building in Melbourne, putting all of America's less deadly post office shooters to shame.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

DC Jobs
The Washington, DC area's jobless rate remains much lower than the national numbers at 6.1%. Of course, the rate of people in Washington who are actually WORKING at their jobs is about 3.1%.

Online Spending
Consumers spent $18.7 billion online in the first month of the holiday season... mostly buying pepper spray to protect themselves for that one time they do have to step foot in the mall.

Newt in the Red
Newt Gingrich's campaign is $1.2 million in debt... which is about what it costs each month to get all his ex-wives to keep shutting up.

Citi Job Cuts
Citigroup is cutting 4,500 jobs. The bank is getting so understaffed, it's asking its top customers to make their own risky stupid investments.

Baldwin Booted
Alec Baldwin was booted from an American Airlines flight yesterday for not turning his cell phone off. Wait a minute, you mean there are still people who want to talk on the phone with Alec Baldwin?

December 7th

43 BC: Marcus Tullius Cicero is assassinated. His killers remain unknown because no one said nothing to the cops.

1965: Pope Paul VI and Patriarch Athenagoras simultaneously lift mutual excommunications against each other... and then finally announce that they are dating.

1988: Yasser Arafat recognizes the right of Israel to exist... so he can bomb it.