Time Person of the Year
Time Magazine has named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as its Person of the Year. It's either a bold statement about his handling of the economy, or the magazine's pathetic attempt to get a bailout.



Spend, Spend, Spend
While the Senate struggles with the health care bill the House is expected to debate and vote on a short-term spending bill for the Pentagon, the permanent spending bill for the Pentagon, a jobs package, and the "pave the streets with gold during a recession proposition."



Climate Change Prostitution
Activists at the Copenhagen Climate Conference are now blaming global warming for a rise in international prostitution. Gee, I thought having sex was something you did to GET warm.




Christmas Art Scandal
An 8-year-old Massachusetts boy was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after he drew a stick figure of Jesus on the cross. Meanwhile, his classmate who drew a picture of Satan has been given a leadership role in the teachers union.




Male Prostitution
A Nevada brother owner is looking to hire male prostitutes. But having men work as whores would challenge the 220-year monopoly on that profession held by the U.S. Congress.






December 16th


1431: Henry VI of England is crowned King of France at Notre Dame in Paris. Westminster Abbey wasn't available due to the Freidbaum Bar Mitzvah.


1773: The Boston Tea Party. Americans disguised as Indians dump crates of tea into Boston harbor as a protest against the Tea Act. The British news media writes the protesters off as a bunch of white racists.


1971: Bangladesh War of Independence comes to an abrubt end as most of the Pakistani army is called back to cab stands all across Manhattan.

Gitmo Thugs to Illinois
An Illinois prison is set to get some of the Guantanamo detainees. Citizens are outraged since it's one thing to put these terrorists on American soil, but to let them live together with most of Illinois former governors and legislators is downright crazy.



Obama at HD
President Obama is set to appear at a Home Depot in suburban Washington, D.C. later today. He is the president, so he has a 50/50 shot of actually finding someone who works there to help him.



Kelly Drops Out
Robert Kelly has decided not to take the CEO job at Bank of America. Kelly didn't like the salary offer, the spectre of government intereference, and the fact that even as CEO, Bank of America still wouldn't clear his personal checks until 5 business days.



Dreamliner Flight
After months of delays, the Boeing 787 Dreamliner is scheduled to take its first flight today... which means the people taking the first flight are just six months away from getting their bags.



School Danger
The EPA has found high levels of a dangerous toxin at a school in eastern Ohio. That toxin is also known as "cafeteria tater tots."






December 15th


533: Byzantine general Belisarius defeats the Vandals... thanks to a new line of graffiti-resistant armor.


1891: James Naismith introduces the first version of basketball, with a peach basket, two teams of nine players, and a paternity suit lawyer for each side.


1973: John Paul Getty III, grandson of American billionaire J. Paul Getty, is found alive near Naples, Italy, after being kidnapped by an Italian gang on July 10, 1973. He was a bit shaken, but since it was an Italian gang, he had gained 15 pounds since being kidnapped.

Fat Cat Meeting
A day after calling them "fat cats" on 60 Minutes, President Obama hosts a meeting with top bank CEO's at the White House today. Just to show there's no hard feelings, the menu at the conference will be salad, soup, and Fancy Feast.



Medicare Plan
Senate Democrats are hoping to pass health care reform by allowing Americans as young as 55 years old to enroll in Medicare. To pay for it, Americans as young as 10 years old will need to enlist in the army to fight off our Chinese creditors.



Citi Pay Back
Citigroup has just announced a deal to repay $20 billion of U.S. government aid. Actually, it only has to pay back $10 billion in return for allowing President Obama to keep bashing them every six weeks on 60 Minutes.



Berlusconi Hit
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is recovering in the hospital after a deranged man slugged him in the mouth. Berlusconi's injuries are considered to be serious since he's only sexually assaulted three nurses in the last hour.



Busy FedEx Day
Today is the busiest shipping day of the year for FedEx as millions of Americans ship gifts to their loved ones and most of Tiger Woods' sponsors are sending him cancellation notices.




December 14th


1903: The Wright Brothers make their first attempt to fly at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina... but they are foiled by an incredibly long line at airport security.


1939: The Soviet Union is expelled from the League of Nations for invading Finland... and never replacing the toilet paper in the League restroom.


1947: NASCAR is founded in Daytona Beach, Florida. The organizers immediately remove their shirts and get tattoos.

December 13th

1294: Saint Celestine V resigns the papacy after only five months; setting a precedent for head football coaches at Notre Dame in the 2000's.


1769: Dartmouth College is founded by the Rev. Eleazar Wheelock, with a Royal Charter from King George III, and a naming rights deal from the local rum shop.


1981: General Wojciech Jaruzelski declares martial law in Poland to prevent dismantling of the communist system by Solidarity and MTV.


2006: The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is officially announced as extinct... proving that most dolphin dishes at Chinese restaurants are probably just chicken.

December 12th



1098: During the First Crusade, Crusaders breach the walls of Ma'arrat al-Numan and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism. This is why I never open the door for Christmas carolers.


1917: Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys, and an awesome vacation spot for wayward priests.


1979: Rhodesia changes its name to Zimbabwe... then immediately regrets it when it realizes all the good stuff at the UN is handed out in alphabetical order.

New App
iPhone sales are expected to surge this week now that's there's a new app that tells you how many yards you are from one of Tiger Woods' mistresses at any time.



Dollar Value Breakfasts
McDonald's is rolling out several new breakfast choices for $1. While this will help millions of Americans cope with the recession, it's also expected to blow up the cost of health care reform.



Times Square Shooting
An off-duty police officer shot and killed a peddler who was armed with a machine gun yesterday. The only more dangerous peddler in Times Square is the guy who sells the three-month-old hot dogs on 44th Street.



B. of A. CEO Search
Bank of New York Mellon Corp. head Robert Kelly has re-emerged as the leading candidate for the CEO job at at Bank of America. The board just has to make sure he wasn't having an affair with Tiger Woods before moving forward.




Goldman Sachs Bonuses
Goldman Sachs is not paying its top 30 executives a cash bonuses for 2009. Instead they will be allowed to continue to own every other valuable asset in America.





December 11th


1789: The University of North Carolina is chartered by the North Carolina General Assembly. Within an hour, the school's basketball team is ranked first in the AP Coaches Poll.


1936: Edward VIII abdicates as King of England, citing his desire to spend more time with other peoples' families.


1946: The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established. UN workers have been having sex with children ever since.


1962: The last legal execution is carried out in Canada. Illegal Canadian executions continue to take place on the ice during most Maple Leaf-Canadians games.

Mortgage Mess
A new report shows only about 10,000 homeowners received permanent loan modifications this fall under the Obama administration's mortgage relief plan... and coincidentally, they were all employees at Bank of America.


Muslim Students Nabbed
The FBI is trying to find out if the five Muslim students from Washington, DC arrested in Pakistan were members of a terror cell. Well, they already know the Muslim dental student was looking to be a terrorist, it's the other four they're not sure about.



Government Insurance Salesmen
Senator Harry Reid wants to create a national insurance plan, administered by the federal government, that would offer insurance policies from private companies. Which is kind of like asking people to wait in line at the post office so they can pay for shipping from FedEx.



AOL Spinoff
Time Warner will spin off its AOL unit to shareholders today, otherwise known as "taking out the trash."



New Chevy Chief
James M. Campbell was named general manager of Chevrolet today, this is a demotion from his previous job coaching the Detroit Lions.





December 10th

1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, and Ferdinand II of Aragon... one more guy and it would have been an awesome boy band.


1935: The Downtown Athletic Club Trophy, later renamed the Heisman Trophy, is awarded to halfback Jay Berwanger of the University of Chicago. Berwanger becomes the last Heisman winner able to actually spell "Heisman."


1948: The UN General Assembly adopts the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Since it was created by the UN, the declaration ensures the perpetual right to double park in Manhattan and tie up city traffic with UN conferences at least twice per year.

Snow Storms
Buffalo, NY may get up to three feet of snow today. Experts say the only more dangerous place in America right now is Tiger Woods' house




Michigan Stem Cells
The University of Michigan is now accepting human embryo donations for stem cell research. Scientists hope to use the embryos to somehow create an autoworker who can make a decent car.



Indian Deal
The Obama administration has agreed to pay $1.4 million to 300,000 Native Americans to settle a 122-year-old claim that the federal government swindled the Indians out of oil, mineral, and gas rights. This is not so much a concession to Native Americans as it is a stimulus plan for Anheuser Busch.



Taking the 5th
The Virginia couple who slipped through White House security and shook hands with President Obama is refusing to refusing to testify or talk to the media. On the bright side, now no one will find out where Mrs. Salahi bought that ridiculous wannabe sari.



Senate Health Deal
A group of Senate Democrats has made a deal to offer all Americans health insurance just like the plan used by federal employees. But unlike federal workers, Americans who enroll in this plan will still have to work.






1531: The Virgin of Guadalupe first appeared to Juan Diego at Tepeyac, Mexico City. Ironically, she was dressed kinda trashy.


1793: New York City's first daily newspaper is published, it includes shipping news, editorials about taxes, and a betting line that favors the Indians over the Western settlers by 13 1/2 points.


1875: The Massachusetts Rifle Association is founded. It's Massachusetts, so the club now threatens to shoot anyone who doesn't favor gun control.


1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company. They all later get jobs at MSNBC.

Tiger House Incident
A woman described only as a "blonde" has been taken from Tiger Woods' home and rushed to the hospital this morning. I think it's safe to say the Avon lady might not want to show up at that house today.



Tiger's Troubles
Tiger Woods' troubles continue to mount as more women are coming forward to say they had affairs with the golfer. They include a porn star, another cocktail waitress... and potentially most damaging... a woman who has a Nike swoosh tattooed to her ass.



Chinese Students
More and more Chinese college students flocking to U.S. campuses. It's a great cultural exchange opportunity, as the Chinese kids learn about America and the American kids get to meet the people who will one day take their job.



Jersey Gay Marriage
The good news for gays and lesbians in New Jersey is that a state senate panel has approved same-sex marriage. The bad news is all the marriage arrangements will have to be made at the DMV.



Transit Shortfall
The New York City subway and bus system says it's revenues are going to fall $200 million short of projections. Riders say they would spend more on the transit system, but then there wouldn't be anything left for the muggers.




December 8th


1854: Pope Pius IX proclaims the dogma of Immaculate Conception, which holds that the Virgin Mary was born free of original sin... which was a real bummer for Mary's dad, who never got much action anyway.


1886: The American Federation of Labor is founded in Columbus, Ohio. The organizing vote takes 16 hours, because the members keep insisting on taking several 15 minute coffee breaks.


1991: The leaders of Russia, Belarus and Ukraine sign an agreement dissolving the Soviet Union and establishing the Commonwealth of Independent Scumbags.


1993: The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) is signed into law by President Bill Clinton. Clinton is now led to believe that he can get a discount on all his favorite Mexican hookers.