Wednesday, August 31, 2011

August 31st

1314: King Håkon V Magnusson moves the capital of Norway from Bergen to Oslo... but then it takes like three weeks to hook up his cable and move his phone number to the new place.

1422: King Henry V of England contracts a deadly case of dysentery while in France... giving new and macabre meaning to the words, "the royal throne."

1958: A parcel bomb sent by Ngo Dinh Nhu, younger brother and chief adviser of South Vietnamese President Ngo Dinh Diem, fails to kill King Norodom Sihanouk of Cambodia... mostly due to insufficient postage.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

August 30th

1574: Guru Ram Das becomes the Fourth Sikh Guru/Master. The first three were total dorks too.

1800: Gabriel Prosser postpones a planned slave rebellion in Richmond, Virginia... reportedly because he left his musket balls in his other pants.

1945: Hong Kong is liberated from Japan by British Armed Forces. The manufacturing of knock-off handbags continues unabated.

Monday, August 29, 2011

August 29th

1475: The Treaty of Picquigny ends a brief war between France and England... then they immediately start another war over how to pronounce "Picquigny."

1941: Tallinn, the Capital of Estonia is occupied by Nazi Germany following an occupation by the Soviet Union. Making Tallinn like the biggest slut city ever.

1982: The synthetic chemical element Meitnerium, atomic number 109, is first synthesized at the Gesellschaft für Schwerionenforschung in Darmstadt, Germany. But no, none of the guys behind this was ever able to get a date.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

August 28th

1609: Henry Hudson discovers Delaware Bay... and immediately charges everyone who comes after him a $7 toll.

1619: Ferdinand II is elected emperor of the Holy Roman Empire... the second place guy got Rice A'Roni and... beheaded.

1931: France and Soviet Union sign a treaty of non-aggression... and non-showering.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

August 27th

1922: The Turkish army takes the Aegean city of Afyonkarahisar from the Greeks... then returns it in exchange for a city that's not impossible to pronounce.

1985: The Nigerian government is peacefully overthrown by Major General Ibrahim Babangida. But a few days later, he kills everyone just to be safe.

2003: Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years, takes one look at the Mets, and reverses orbit.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Brown's Plan
Governor Jerry Brown has unveiled his new jobs plans for California. It starts by advising everyone to look for work in Arizona.

Mental Health Day
A California state official insisted going to the Golden Globes Awards, and getting the taxpayers to pay for it, was essential to his mental health. It turns out he was right, the psychoactive drugs they were handing out at the awards this year were really top notch!

Vaccination Study
An extensive new report confirms that vaccinations for children are extraordinarily safe and have no link at all to autism or any other disease. But they cannot keep kids safe from Jenny McCarthy.

No Help from Ben
The growing consensus is Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will make no dramatic announcement of anything approaching the new stimulus Wall Street has been hoping for. Bernanke reportedly will tell the markets that he won't give them more cash no matter how much they ask for it because they'll probably just "shoot their eyes out."

Japanese PM Quits
Prime Minister Naoto Kan is resigning after almost 15 months in office. He is taking a new job teaching American politicians the concept of shame.

August 26th

1789: The French government approves the Universal Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen... except for people who drink white wine with beef.

1920: The 19th amendment to United States Constitution takes effect, giving women the right to vote... for the same kind of schmucks the men had been voting for since 1789.

1978: Pope John Paul I is elected to the Papacy. The 2nd and 3rd place cardinals get a year's supply of turtle wax.

LSU Search
Police searched and took evidence from the home of LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson last night. In a related story, several LSU game-word jerseys and helmets are now somehow for sale on eBay!

Obamacare Exodus
A new survey says one in ten private companies will stop offering their employees private health insurance under Obamacare. The other nine out of ten companies don't plan to be in business anymore under Obamacare.

Jobs Leaves
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Since everyone in Silicon Valey just copies whatever Apple does, the CEO's of Microsoft, Dell, and HP all just stepped down too.

Gold Crash
Gold has fallen more than $200 an ounce in just three days... proving the wisdom of Chad Ocho Cinco's recent decision to keep most of his teeth in his mouth.

Cheney on Syria
In his new memoir, former Vice President Cheney says he urged President Bush to bomb Syria in 2007. Of course, he also urged him to bomb Mexico, Canada, and San Francisco.

August 25th

1609: Galileo demonstrates his first telescope to Venetian lawmakers… who immediatley use it for pornographic purposes.

1916: The United States National Park Service is created… mostly for pornographic purposes.

1950: President Harry Truman orders the US Army to seize control of the nation's railroads… mostly for pornographic purposes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Species Study
A new study shows that there are 8.7 million species on Earth... and only one of them can produce a "Snooki."

East Coast Quake
A strong earthquake rattled much of the nation's capital yesterday afternoon. Geologists believe it was caused by President Obama's latest poll numbers.

Qadaffi Speaks!
Although his whereabouts are still unknown, Moamar Qadaffi is promising to defeat the rebels and remain in power in Libya. But he's also promising to still make a profit on that $700,000 2-bedroom condo he bought in Miami in 2006.

Slower Mail
A new study shows the U.S. Postal Service could save $1.5 billion per year if it just delivered the mail SLOWER. Finally, a goal most postal workers are really qualified to achieve!

Irene Gains Power
Hurricane Irene is regaining strength after hitting the Caribbean yesterday. And it's expected to grow even stronger after it gets over the embarrassment of getting its hair braided in the Bahamas.

August 24th

1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed. Sadly for all of the world's teenage boys, there were no pictures.

1815: The modern Constitution of the Netherlands is signed... it's mostly about legalizing pot and no one can really remember anything else.

1954: Getúlio Dornelles Vargas, president of Brazil, commits suicide... and thus becomes the one and only politician in history to actually do what the people want.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Toucan Tussle
Kellogg's wants a group trying to preserve Mayan culture to change its logo because it looks too much like "Toucan Sam" from Fruit Loops! It also wants Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to stop looking like the guy on the Lucky Charms box.

Miami Probe
U. of Miami President Donna Shalala says 15 athletes at the school are under investigation. There's a nasty rumor going around that they actually went to class.

Libya Latest
Moamar Qadaffi may not be leaving power so fast after all. Hei may never leave Tripoli because his eviction is being handled by the foreclosure people from Bank of America.

Football Fight
In response to the brawls and shootings at Candlestick this weekend, the NFL may now cancel the annual preseason game between the 49ers and the Raiders. This shouldn't be a problem since both the Niners and the Raiders stopped playing real football in the regular season about 10 years ago.

Singer Dead
Singer Nick Ashford of "Ashford and Simpson" has died. Doctors say his body is now solid as a rock.

August 23rd

1305: William Wallace, Scottish patriot, is hung, drawn and quartered for high treason, and inspiring Mel Gibson.

1979: Soviet dancer Alexander Godunov defects to the United States… actually, he defected to the powder room at Studio 54.

1990: West Germany and East Germany announce that they will unite on October 3… mostly since East Germany was already pregnant.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Libya Revolt
Rebel forces in Libya are close to conquering Tripoli and overthrowing the Gadaffi regime. This successful fight for freedom and democracy serves as a stern lesson to every Arab leader who fails to kill enough Americans and Jews.

Jerry is Back!
It looks like they're giving Jerry Lewis his "Jerry's Kids" telethon back. This avoids Lewis' plans to hold an annoying telethon to get his annoying telethon back.

Union Loss
Striking union workers at Verizon are going back to work tonight even though they still have no new deal... because y'know, that'll show 'em!

Bagged Info
The plastic bag industry successfully got some anti-plastic bag messages deleted from California public school textbooks. So now, the industry can rest easy knowing that California schoolchildren, as soon as they stop shooting each other, won't see anything bad about plastic bags.

DSK Getting Off
The prosecution is about to drop all charges against former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Apparently, if you try to convict someone for being a sleazy Frenchman, you'd have to put the whole country in jail.

August 22nd

565: St. Columba reports seeing a monster in Loch Ness, Scotland. It is later identified as St. Columba's Mother-in-Law.

1902: Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile... and the last President to be qualified to drive one.

1962: An attempt to assassinate French president Charles de Gaulle fails... mostly due to lack of interest.

August 21st

1331: King Stephen Uroš III, after months of anarchy, surrenders to his son and rival Stephen Dušan, who succeeds as King of Serbia. Today, that kid would be like soooo grounded!

1878: The American Bar Association is founded. It promptly sues itself.

1944: The Dumbarton Oaks Conference, a prelude to the United Nations, begins. The conference spends most of its time discussing how to get free parking in Manhattan.

August 20th

1866: President Andrew Johnson formally declares the American Civil War over... except, of course, for NASCAR fans.

1882: Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture debuts in Moscow. Considering the audience had been waiting in line for 70 years to hear it, the reviews were luke warm.

1998: The Supreme Court of Canada rules that Quebec cannot legally secede from Canada... at least not without sharing its recipe for crepes and cafe au lait.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Gold Soars
Gold is now worth well over $1,800 an ounce. You can tell by the fact that all the gold chain snatchers in Central Park are taking limos to work.

B of A Cuts
Bank of America is cutting 3,500 jobs... the bosses would cut more, but they can't find any tellers at the bank either.

Fundraising Fool
President Obama has had significantly more fundraisers at this point in his term than the last 5 presidents. But in his defense, millionaires are a lot dumber than they were back then.

BBall Brawl
A goodwill game between the Georgetown men's basketball team and a Chinese team outside Beijing last night ended in a brawl. Apparenrtly one of the Chinese players sparked the fight when he asked he American playersd for his nation's money, ball, and sneakers back.

King Removed
Burger King is removing the King character from its ads... mostly because the King is having trouble scheduling commercial shoots around all of his appointments at his cardiologist's office.

August 19th

43 BC: Octavian, later known as Augustus, compels the Roman Senate to elect him Consul… mostly by promising to save Medicare.

1813: Gervasio Antonio de Posadas joins Argentina's Second Triumvirate. He would have joined the First Triumvirate, but the other two guys couldn’t pronounce his name.

1989: Several hundred East Germans cross the frontier between Hungary and Austria… and once they finally see toilet paper for themselves, they decide never to go back.

Revenge Inc.
The Justice Department is probing S&P but the White House insists it has nothing to do with the downgrade of U.S. debt two weeks ago. It also insists that it's just a coincidence that the IRS has audited Mitt Romney 16 times since 2007.

Jobs Plan!
Obama's big jobs plan includes more spending on road work and mortgage relief. It alsi includes paying people to pretend this isn't the same plan he had that didn't work in 2009.

Raises at UC
The University of California system is reeling financially, but it's still handing out big bonuses to faculty members... especially the ones who agree to stop failing the football players.

Starbucks Movement
Starbucks has launched a campaign to suspend all contributions to Congress and presidential candidates... and now that they're not making those donations, Starbucks' new price for a vente espresso is $35,800.

Miami Death Penalty?
The NCAA may ban the University of Miami football program after a booster admitted paying and providing prostitutes to at least 72 players. Everyone knows that to remain in the NCAA, a college football program has to provide at least 82 players with prostitutes.

August 18th

1201: The city of Riga is founded. It turns out they lost it in the mail.

1587: Virginia Dare, granddaughter of Governor John White of the Colony of Roanoke, becomes the first English child born in the Americas… making her the first anglo “anchor baby.”

1938: The Thousand Islands Bridge, connecting New York State with Canada… and millions of pounds of salad is dedicated by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Food Stamp Utopia
Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack says the reason more Americans are on food stamps is because the government is doing a better job letting people know they are eligible to apply for them! Oh... and also because more employers are letting people know they've been laid off.

Unions vs. Dems
The AFL-CIO says it will boycott the Democratic National Convention in North Carolina next August. Democrats of all people should have known union members don't work in hot weather!

Beer Battle
SABMiller's takeover bid for Fosters has gone hostile. That's because after three beers, the guys at Miller always go from being happy drunks to angry drunks.

Another S&P Downgrade
S&P has sharply downgraded Google because it's buying Motorola Mobility. S&P is also downgrading any idiot who buys a Motorola phone.

New Jobs Book
The new book about Steve Jobs is now scheduled to hit bookstores Nov. 21. The publisher plans to just throw it at the people waiting on line for the latest iPhone.

August 17th

1862: Major General J.E.B. Stuart is assigned command of all the cavalry of the Confederate Army of Northern Virginia. He spends most of the rest of the war segregating the white horses from the black horses.

1953: The First meeting of Narcotics Anonymous is held outside of Los Angeles. The second and final meeting is held at Judy Garland’s house.

1982: The first Compact Discs are released to the public in Germany. Sadly, they are all David Hasselhoff albums.