Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Obama NYC Fundraisers
President Obama raised more than $2 million in three Manhattan fundraisers last night... and the resulting traffic and security nightmares only cost New York City $30 million worth of police overtime.

Crowded City
President Obama's three Manhattan fundraisers took place on the same night as thousands of people jammed into Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas Tree lighting. So in both cases, lots of people came to New York to see an over-hyped piece of wood.

Pot Rules
Two governors have asked the DEA to reclassify marijuana so doctors can prescribe it more... especially on election day.

Cal State Pay
Cal State is postponing a decision on how much to increase the pay of its top administrators... at least until most of its students can count that high.

Boeing Deal
Boeing and the machinists union have finally made a labor deal which should lead to more production... in China.

December 1st

1420: Henry V of England enters Paris. Luckily, he was wearing a condom.

1964: Malawi, Malta and Zambia join the United Nations... mostly to use the bathrooms at the UN headquarters.

1973: Papua New Guinea gains self government from Australia, and is thus able to dissassociate itself entirely from the Bee Gees.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Egypt Elections
Radical Islamists are leading so far in the Egyptian elections. That means the next time we'll see large crowds gathering in Tahrir Square, it'll be for a public stoning.

S&P Slam
S&P has downgraded six major U.S. banks because they have too much exposure to Europe. Of course, a little air freshener should fix that.

Bad Teacher
The former Philadelphia public school chief who got a $1 million buyout this year is still filing for unemployment benefits. She's also heading to several school yards and shaking down the 2nd graders for their lunch money.

Police have cleared out the "Occupy Los Angeles" encampment and the movement seems dead. Most of the protesters plan to return to doing what they did before: camping out for "Price is Right" tickets.

Euro Crash Preps
Most major corporations all over the world are feverishly working on plans to react to the end of the euro currency... mostly by paying their executives outrageous bonuses before it's too late.

November 30th

1864: Confederate General John Bell Hood mounts a dramatically unsuccessful frontal assault on Union positions in Franklin, Tennessee, with Hood losing six generals, a third of his troops, and all of his Hank Williams albums.

1982: Michael Jackson's Thriller is released... thus ending Michael Jackson's usefulness on Earth.

1998: Exxon and Mobil agree to merge... mostly to corner the market on dirty gas station bathrooms.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Frank Quitting
After 30 years in Congress, Barney Frank is retiring. He says he now realizes his dream job would be to work as an assistant coach at Syracuse or Penn State.

Bail Out Europe?
President Obama says the U.S. is willing to "do its part" to help Europe avoid an economic crisis... which means we'll show them our secrets on how to borrow more money from China.

Groupon Crash
After an initially strong IPO, Groupon shares have been plummeting for more than a week now. This is because every time the company tries to sell its stock for $13 a share, someone issues a Groupon for the stock at $6.50!

Egypt Elections
Turnout has been very high in the Egyptian elections... but only because the people think they're voting on the best ways to stone their wives and kill Jews.

Meyer Cashes In
Urban Meyer is getting $40 million to coach Ohio State for 6 years. Ohio State students would be able to figure out how much that is per year, if it weren't for education cuts that are being made so the school can pay Urban Meyer.

November 29th

800: Charlemagne arrives at Rome to investigate the alleged crimes of Pope Leo III, and see if they were properly reported by Joe Paterno.

1947: The United Nations General Assembly votes to partition Israel into two sides: the normal people and the maniacs.

1963: President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate... and cover up his involvement in... the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Indian Fight
A huge controversy is brewing in India after the government invited foreign supermarket chains into the country. The people are outraged that none of the new stores will have a express checkout aisle for 12,000 items or less.

Dream Act Fight
Legal immigrants are fighting the plan in the Maryland Dream Act that allows the children of illegal immigrants in-state tuition breaks at the University of Maryland. In fact, native born Marylanders think seducing kids to go to the University of Maryland is cruel too.

New Medicare Chief
Patient advocacy groups are protesting the Obama administration's nomination of Marilyn Tavenner to head Medicare and Medicaid. It's not because Tavenner is not a doctor, it's just that most of her training is as an undertaker.

Fine Fired
Syracuse University has fired assistant coach Bernie Fine on charges of child molestation. He's also been whistled for "reaching in."

Moody's Warning
In a new report, the Moody's rating agency said the European debt crisis may end up threatening the credit standing of all 17 countries in the EU. It's almost scary enough to make some people in Europe think about getting a job!

November 28th

1095: Pope Urban II appoints Bishop Adhemar of Le Puy and Count Raymond IV of Toulouse to lead the First Crusade to the Holy Land... mostly because they were the only two men in Christendom willing to ask for directions how to get there.

1814: The Times in London is for the first time printed by automatic, steam powered presses, signaling the beginning of the availability of newspapers to a mass audience... so that one day, millions of us could find out the latest about the Kardashians.

1984: Over 250 years after their deaths, William Penn and his wife Hannah Callowhill Penn are made Honorary Citizens of the United States. Immediately afterward, the IRS puts a lien on their estate.

November 27th

176: Emperor Marcus Aurelius makes his son Commodus Supreme Commander of the Roman legions... it was either that or give him that dangerous BB gun he wanted for Christmas.

1830: St. Catherine Laboure experiences a vision of the Blessed Virgin standing on a globe, crushing a serpent with her feet, and emanating rays of light from her hands. Stuff like this happened every time she dropped LSD.

1839: In Boston, Massachusetts, the American Statistical Association is founded. But it quickly disbands when each member determines they have less than a 1 in 500 chance of getting a date.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

November 26th

783: The Asturian queen Adosinda is put up in a monastery to prevent her kin from retaking the throne.. but also to stop her from dating that older guy with the tattoo.

1917: The National Hockey League is formed... mostly to give Canadians a better excuse for not having teeth.

1922: Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon become the first people to enter the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun in over 3000 years. There they find the Pharaoh's remains and overpriced coffee table books and postcards for sale.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Black Friday Fight
Police are looking for the woman who used pepper spray on her fellow shoppers during a "door buster" sale at Walmart this morning. Of course, she probably just went back to her job at UC Davis.

"Occupy Christmas?"
The "Occupy" movement is now planning several protests at major shopping centers starting today. Disrupting the stock market is one thing, but when they mess with people on food stamps who are trying to get an XBox at Walmart, there's going to be a major beat down!

Solar Slant
China is complaining that U.S. government aid for American solar companies is really hurting foreign competitors... but not as much as it hurt Solyndra.

November 25th

1758: In the French and Indian War, Fort Duquesne is taken away from French control... making Pittsburgh safe for American football.

1783: The last British troops finally leave New York City three months after the signing of the Treaty of Paris. They would have left sooner but traffic was backed up as usual on the FDR Drive.

1999: The United Nations establishes the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, encouraging Arab member countries to spend that day beating and stoning their children instead.

November 24th

1941: The United States grants Lend-Lease weapons to the anti-Nazi French... all two of them.

1950: The town of Pickens, West Virginia records 57 inches of snow, severely endangering that year's mud crop.

1969: The Apollo 12 command module splashes down safely in the Pacific Ocean... but the crew's luggage is lost at the Denver airport.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

China Slowdown
China's manufacturing sector is reporting major slowdowns. In a relates story, the UAW is continuing it tour of several Chinese factories.

Fed Test
The Fed is going to test the big U.S. banks to see if they could withstand a European economic collapse. Luckily, the guy giving the test is Jon Corzine.

SAT Cheating
20 students are now accused in a major SAT cheating ring in New York. While the kids have lost any chance of getting into a great college, they're now all being accepted to the training program at Goldman Sachs.

Obama About Face
Less than 24 hours after browbeating the Republicans for not cutting the deficit, President Obama resumed his campaign tour pushing for more spending. Then he broke Sasha's piggy bank to buy Joe Biden an iPhone.

Dead Sea Evidence
New evidence suggests the Dead Sea Scrolls were probably written by the Essenes, an extremely obscure ancient Jewish sect that believed in the purity of water, wearing white clothing, and voting Republican.

November 23rd

534 BC: Thespis of Icaria becomes the first recorded actor to portray a character onstage... and hold up an entire production because his dressing hut wasn't big enough for him.

1644: John Milton publishes Areopagitica, a pamphlet decrying censorship. It is wildly popular until readers find out there are no nude pictures.

2007: MS Explorer, a cruise liner carrying 154 people, sinks in the Antarctic Ocean. There are no fatalities... except for the pancake buffet and the bridge tournament.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Fur Ban
The city of West Hollywood has banned the sale of fur. Now the only unintelligent animal you can exploit in that town is Kim Kardashian.

Debt Failure
The leading financial ratings agencies say the failure of the deficit supercommittee won't lead them to make another U.S. downgrade after all. That's because they can't find a rating lower than "pathetic.".

No Answers
The investigation into a bullet train crash in China last summer that killed 40 people has come and gone with no public report on what led to the disaster. In a totally unrelated story, 40 new livers and hearts are now for sale!

Volkswagen Goal
The CEO of Volkswagen America says he wants to sell 1 million vehicles in the U.S. every year... which he'll do as long as he sells Toyotas.

Legislated Luggage
Congress is considering a bill to ban airlines from charging fees for checked bags. That will clear the way for Congress to impose a new tax on checked bags.

November 22nd

1307: Pope Clement V instructs all Christian monarchs in Europe to arrest all Templars, seize their assets, and take away their free WiFi.

1943: Lebanon gains independence from France... but as it turned out, it was really more like France gaining independence from Lebanon.

1973: The Italian Fascist organization Ordine Nuovo is disbanded due to lack of refreshments.

Water is Bad
Because environmentalist politicians hate the bottled water companies, it is now illegal in Europe to say that drinking water can help you avoid dehydration. It might work, we all know that Europeans already believe that showering regularly doesn't make you cleaner.

iPhone Tops
The iPhone is now the #1 smart phone for people who travel on the job. The BlackBerry remains the #1 smart phone for people who are going nowhere.

Terror Arrest
The NYPD has arrested Manhattan's Jose Pimentel for making bombs and being a fan of al Qaeda... which makes him only slightly crazier than someone who makes bombs and is a fan of the Mets.

Buffett on Europe
Warren Buffett says he doesn't think the euro currency will survive... so naturally he's asking all Americans to pay more of Greece's taxes.

Oakland Conflict
It turns out Oakland Mayor Jean Quan's husband has been working closely with the out-of-control "Occupy Oakland" protesters Quan has been battling for weeks. Of course, this probably means Quan's husband has been pretty unsuccessful trying to occupy his wife lately.

November 21st

1783: In Paris, Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and François Laurent, Marquis d'Arlandes, make the first untethered hot air balloon flight... which is kind of ironic because on land, they all really loved getting tied up.

1964: The Verrazano-Narrows Bridge opens to traffic... exposing millions of New Yorkers to the horrors of Staten Island.

1985: United States Navy intelligence analyst Jonathan Pollard is arrested for spying after being caught giving Israel classified information on Arab nations... and his mother's guarded chicken soup recipe to that annoying Mrs. Nussbaum across the street.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

November 20th

1789: New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights... and it would have done it even sooner if it hadn't been for all the usual traffic on the Turnpike.

1820: An 80-ton sperm whale attacks the Essex near Nantucket. The whale mistook the ship for a condom.

1969: The Cleveland Plain Dealer publishes explicit photographs of dead villagers from the My Lai massacre in Vietnam. But there is no reaction as readers mistake them for tramautized Indians and Browns fans.

Friday, November 18, 2011

November 19th

1095: Pope Urban II convenes a council to discuss sending the First Crusade to the Holy Land, and whether or not the Crusaders should bring a jacket.

1950: General Dwight D. Eisenhower becomes supreme commander of NATO... finally showing up his brother who used to beat him every Saturday playing Risk.

1990: Pop group Milli Vanilli are stripped of their Grammy Award because the duo did not sing at all on the Girl You Know It's True album. But they are allowed to keep the prize money provided they promise to keep not singing on their next album too.