Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Gym Ruling
A California court has ruled that parents can sue if their kids' schools cut back on gym classes. But if they cut back on math and science classes, we just have to keep buying all their technology from China and India.

Reading Scores
A new report shows that 25% of 8th graders are functionally illiterate. And the other 75% are getting beaten up by the illiterate kids.

Deficit Panel Findings
The Deficit Reduction Commission will release its full report on how to cut government waste this morning. It's first recommendation will be not to waste money by funding useless things like the Deficit Reduction Commission.

Police Union Stance
The Los Angeles police union wants the city to stop hiring new cops. It turns out hazing the new guys is really interfering with the veteran cops' daily naps.

Wikileaks B of A
Bank of America is probably the target of the next expose from Wikileaks. Most of the leaks are coming from 2-3 disgruntled ATM's.

December 1st

1975: Lambda Theta Phi, the first Latino fraternity, is established at Rutgers University… but it is better known on campus as “the men’s soccer team.”

1982: At the University of Utah, Barney Clark becomes the first person to receive a permanent artificial heart… but the world is much more interested in Clark’s incredibly life-like artificial hair.

1991: Ukrainian voters overwhelmingly approve a referendum for independence from the Soviet Union. The nation has spent the last 19 years unsuccessfully trying to join the Pac-10.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Fed Pay Freeze
President Obama has proposed freezing salaries for all federal workers. He's already helped freeze everyone else's salary for the last two years.

Graduation Rates Rise
American high school graduation rates are rising again... mostly because of the new math skills requirements you need to play Grand Theft Auto.

Con Jobs
A new study shows people with criminal records are having the toughest time finding a job right now... which is terrible news for all those members of Congress who were voted out of office this month.

Playboy Release
Playboy Magazine has released every issue from 1953 to 2010 on a hard drive... but you still can only find that hard drive hidden in your dad's night table.

Inmate Outsourcing
California is shipping 5,800 prison inmates out of the state. Hundreds of small businessmen in California are now trying to disguise themselves as inmates.

November 30th

1783: A 5.3 magnitude earthquake strikes New Jersey. That’s the last time New Jersey ever shook and didn’t shed millions of gallons of hair gel.

1916: Costa Rica becomes a signatory to the Buenos Aires copyright treaty. Ironically, the dignitaries signing the treaty just copied the Argentines’ signatures.

1994: The National Football League announces that the Jacksonville Jaguars will become the league's 30th franchise. 16 years later, most of the people in the Jacksonville area have still not heard this announcement.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Greek Debt Extension
Greece is getting four more years to pay back its bailout debts… but how do you add four years to “never?”

California CaseThe Supreme Court will hear a arguments tomorrow on whether California has to release tens of thousands of prisoners from its jails. Right now, the only people getting out of California are business owners who are actually still hiring people.

Spider-Man Screw-Up
Previews for the Broadway show "Spider-Man" have been a disaster, with actors falling, sets missing, and audio problems destroying the performances. It turns out it's mostly because co-producer Bono donated 10% of the stage crew to Africa.

Jobless Benefit Deadline
Unemployment benefits will run out for two million Americans unless Congress acts before midnight Tuesday. Most Congressmen are expected to vote to extend the benefits, especially since they're all used to getting paid for decades not to work.

Wikileaks Shocker
The Wikileaks reports show that most Arab leaders are begging the U.S. to bomb Iran. They would do it themselves, but they only know how to kill Jews.

November 29th

1807: The Portuguese Royal Family leaves Lisbon to escape from Napoleonic troops… and all the annoying Black Friday shoppers.

1922: Howard Carter opens the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun to the public. Unfortunately he didn’t bring any air freshener.

1934: The Chicago Bears defeat the Detroit Lions 19-16 in the first nationally broadcast game. The Lions haven’t won since.

November 28th

1095: On the last day of the Council of Clermont, Pope Urban II appoints Bishop Adhemar of Le Puy and Count Raymond IV of Toulouse to lead the First Crusade. Everyone else gets’ a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.

1975: As the World Turns and The Edge of Night, the final two American soap operas that had resisted going to pre-taped broadcasts, air their last live episodes… thus killing the hopes of millions of teenage boys who had been praying to see some accidental nudity.

1984: Over 250 years after their deaths, William Penn and his wife Hannah Callowhill Penn are made Honorary Citizens of the United States. They receive their 1040’s a week later.

November 27th

1839: The American Statistical Association is founded… and determines it’s 100% full of losers.

1901: The U.S. Army War College is established… meaning their frat parties feature drunk guys with tanks!

2004: Pope John Paul II returns the relics of Saint John Chrysostom to the Eastern Orthodox Church. He forgets to get a receipt.

Friday, November 26, 2010

November 26th

43 BC: The Second Triumvirate of Octavian, Marcus Lepidus, and Mark Antony is formed. Flavius Maximus was blackballed because then it would have just too gay.

1778: In the Hawaiian Islands, Captain James Cook becomes the first European to visit Maui. After 15 minutes, even he gets sick of Don Ho.

1990: The Delta II rocket reportedly makes its maiden flight, but it's Titan rocket ex-boyfriend swears she wasn't a virgin.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

November 25th

1874: The United States Greenback Party is established as a political party consisting primarily of farmers and 19th century stoners.

1992: The Federal Assembly of Czechoslovakia votes to split the country into the Czech Republic and Slovakia… mostly to help all the people who never really learned to spell “Czechoslovakia.”

1999: The United Nations establishes the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women… so the Muslim nations of the world can take a break for one day per year.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

New Poll
A new Gallup Poll shows that 80% of Americans believe it's important to keep the Bush tax cuts. The other 20% are too busy being groped at the airport to respond.

Oracle Wins Suit
A jury has ordered SAP to pay Oracle $1.3 billion for software piracy. SAP plans to avoid being punished by pretending it's a Chinese company.

Not Natalee
Investigators say a jawbone found in Aruba does not belong to Natalee Holloway. The only visible jawbone on the Aruba still belongs to Nancy Grace.

Rose Suit
Axl Rose is suing "Guitar Hero" maker Activision for $20 million... mostly because it's really hard to get above level 3 when you're drunk and stoned.

Problem Banks
The number of troubled banks rose to 860 in the July-September quarter from 829 in the previous quarter. That's the most since 1993, when banks all over America started losing their bolted-down pens.

November 24th

1835: The Texas Provincial Government authorizes the creation of a horse-mounted police force called the Texas Rangers… the horse-raping police force is called the Dallas Cowboys.

1932: The FBI Scientific Sample Crime Detection Laboratory, also known as the “Spermatoria,” officially opens.

1935: The Senegalese Socialist Party holds its second congress… the first one failed when everyone started eating each other.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Airport Protests
Thousands of Americans are planning to boycott and demonstrate at airports tomorrow to protest the invasive body searches. Meanwhile millions of lonely Americans are planning to protest for the right to get patted down with or without a plane ticket.

Leaf MPG
The new Nissan Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon…. and that’s a good thing because Leaf owners will need to stay 99 miles away from angry UAW members at all times.

Velma Fired
Velma Hart, the woman who personally complained to President Obama about the economy at a town hall meeting, has been fired. The White House is now offering to send her an exclusive set of Barack Obama autographed food stamps.

Childress Fired
The Minnesota Vikings have fired Head Coach Brad Childress. Brett Favre now feels free to send naked pictures of himself to Childress’ wife.

Royal Wedding Date
Prince William and Kate Middleton have set an earlier-than-expected wedding date of April 29th… mostly because they hope to start cheating on each other by June.

November 23rd

1910: Johan Alfred Ander becomes the last person in Sweden to be executed. Since then, everyone in Sweden just kills themselves.

1955: The Cocos Islands are transferred from the control of the United Kingdom to Australia… much to Australia’s chagrin when they find out the Islands are not in fact made of chocolate.

2007: MS Explorer, a cruise liner carrying 154 people, sinks in the Antarctic Ocean after hitting an iceberg. There were no fatalities, but a riot broke out when the frozen yogurt buffet was canceled.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Toned Down TSA?
The TSA is now promising that airport security pat-downs will be less invasive than they have been... but still more invasive than a prostate exam.

Hillary on Terror
Hillary Clinton says she favors the death penalty for terrorists... but only if those terrorists are found guilty of mass murder, conspiracy to mass murder, or having sex with their interns.

Nurse Denial
A former male nurse has pleaded not guilty to charges of urging people to commit suicide. But he is admitting to telling patients that dying is easier than filling out most of their insurance forms.

Pope on Condoms
Pope Benedict XVI says male prostitutes should use condoms to help stop the spread of AIDS... and female prostitutes can help slow the spread of STD's simply by dropping out of Georgetown.

Stem Cells in CA
California's state stem cell agency wants more time and money... mostly in hopes of getting out of California.

November 22nd

1935: The China Clipper takes off from Alameda, California for its first commercial flight. It reaches its destination, Manila, a week later… making it still faster than the daily La Guardia to O’Hare flight on United.

1954: The Humane Society of the United States is founded, mostly in hopes of curbing the escalating violence between Tom and Jerry.

1975: Juan Carlos is declared King of Spain following the death of Francisco Franco and the lack of anyone else interested in the job.

November 21st

1620: Plymouth Colony settlers sign the Mayflower Compact, ensuring that NFL games will be on TV every Thanksgiving for the next 400 years.

1877: Thomas Edison announces his invention of the phonograph, and demands that all musicians sell their albums through him for 99 cents per song.

1971: Indian troops defeat the Pakistani army in the Battle of Garibpur thanks mostly to great tech support from the Dell call center.

November 20th

1194: Palermo is conquered by Emperor Henry VI after the Gambino family pays the Sicilian army to take a dive.

1789: New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights and legalize the mullet.

1992: A fire breaks out in England’s Windsor Castle, briefly halting members of the royal family from conducting their extramarital affairs.

Friday, November 19, 2010

UC Tuition Hike
The University of California Board of Regents voted to raise tuition by 8% yesterday, but there were no student protests. That's what happens when the Regents schedule meetings before noon.

Not Bearing Fruit
5 years into a government plan to get more people to eat more fruits and veggies, the number of people eating those foods has actually gone down. It turns out people got the wrong idea when their Senators and Congressmen send them cucumbers and bananas in the mail.

GM IPO Touted
President Obama says the GM IPO proves his policies were successful... especially since that policy was to give Chinese day traders an 8% return on their money.

Benefits Killed
Congress failed to pass an extension for unemployment benefits. But Senate Democrats and the White House are promising to do their best to extend unemployment.

Berkeley Facelift
UC Berkeley’s Memorial Stadium is about to get a $321 million facelift. That’s $1 million to improve the stadium, and $320 million to pay the activists to stay away.

November 19th

1930: Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow commit their first bank robbery. If they were alive today, they would be working FOR the banks.

1985: In Geneva, President Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev meet for the first time. Reagan gets to second base.

1990: Pop group Milli Vanilli are stripped of their Grammy Award because the duo did not sing at all on the Girl You Know It's True album. The singers who DID record the song are executed.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Shares of the bailed out GM go on sale on Wall Street today... just as soon as the brokers selling the stock get their GM cars out of the shop.

Illegal Student
Students at Cal State Fresno have elected an illegal immigrant as the student body president this year... kind of like how their parents an illegal immigrant President of the United States in 2008.

Marriage Decline
A new study shows that marriage is becoming increasingly optional for Americans, especially the ones who spend all day on Facebook.

Homeless "Help"
Some major cities are offering free storage lockers for homeless people. That's like giving a starving man a fork.

Morrison Pardon?
Florida Governor Charlie Crist is seeking a posthumous pardon for the late Doors singer Jim Morrison. But legal experts say there's no way any court will forgive men who wear leather pants in public.

November 18th

1307: William Tell shoots an apple off his son's head. Swiss Child Services removes his son to foster care two days later.

1905: Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of Norway. And in an even more impressive transformation, he becomes “Queen Carla of the Castro” for a drag act in San Francisco.

2004: The Clinton Presidential Center is opened in Little Rock, Arkansas, containing 2 million photographs and 80 million documents… and that was just the criminal evidence.