Tuesday, May 31, 2011

WHO Cell Warning
The World Health Organization announced yesterday that there is a link between cancer and cell phone use. But it's not as strong as the link between people who use their cell phones on my train in the morning and my fist in their faces.

Christie not Running
Chris Christie told a crowd of political donors in Iowa last night that he is NOT running for president in 2012. Actually, looking at Chris Christie you can see he isn't running for anything.

Geithner Editorial
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has an Op-Ed piece in the Washingpot Post this morning where he calls the bailouts for GM and Chrysler a success. In fact, it's such a success that the administration keeps needing to remind us all the time!

iCloud Announcement
Next week, Apple's Steve Jobs will unveil a new iCloud music storing system that critics ALREADY say is better than Amazon's or Google's... mostly because the iCloud will take in all your music AND all of your money.

Haiti Revision
The U.S. is reducing its estimates for the number of people who were made homeless by the earthquake in Haiti... it turns out only about 25 Haitian people haven't found a place to stay in one of Wyclef Jean's hats.

June 1st

1648: The Roundheads defeat the Cavaliers… but with names like those, it’s not clear if this was part of the Second English Civil War or a battle of the bands.

2001: Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal shoots and kills several members of his family including his father and mother, King Birendra and Queen Aiswarya. He did stuff like this every time he missed his nap.

2003: China begins filling the reservoir behind the Three Gorges Dam… with people.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Slots in Illinois
Illinois has approved putting slot machines at O'Hare and Midway airports... because travelling through those airports isn't enough of a gamble as it is.

Another Maid Attacked
Now a wealthy Egyptian businessman has been accused of sexually attacking a housekeeper in a New York City hotel room. Something tells me international sales of the sexy maid costume this Halloween are going to be through the roof!

Pentagon now says cyberattacks coming from foreign countries may be considered as an act of war... so are defense contractors who run late on their projects because they're too busy playing "Angry Birds."

Squeezing Hospitals
The Feds are going to start punishing hospitals that don't keep their Medicare costs down... thus, providing yet another incentive for the growing "bring your own bedpan" policy.

Tressel Out
Ohio State head football coach Jim Tressel has stepped down... it's not clear if the school forced Tressel out because he broke the rules or because he didn't break the rules enough.

May 31st

1279 BC: Rameses II becomes pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. He vows to keep the Jews as slaves until they return to the 1267 borders.

1759: The Province of Pennsylvania bans all theater productions... saving its citizens from Cats.

2005: Vanity Fair reveals that Mark Felt was Deep Throat... totally freaking out millions of porn fans.

May 30th

1536: King Henry VIII of England marries Jane Seymour, a lady-in-waiting to his first two wives... proving that even the King just didn't get out much.

1854: The Kansas-Nebraska Act becomes law establishing the US territories of Nebraska and Kansas... but no one pays any attention until they start playing college football.

1871: The Paris Commune falls... but it still lives today under the name of "The Yale University Political Science Department."

Sunday, May 29, 2011

May 29th

1453: Ottoman armies under Sultan Mehmed II Fatih capture Constantinople after a 53-day siege. These days, most cities would give in if you you took away cell phone service for 53 minutes.

1677: Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives. They've been in the cigarette business together ever since.

1982: Pope John Paul II becomes the first pontiff to visit Canterbury Cathedral... and he really gets screwed at the gift shop like everyone else.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

May 28th

1588: The Spanish Armada, with 130 ships and 30,000 men, sets sail from Lisbon heading for England and looking for a cure for venereal disease.

1930: The Chrysler Building in New York City officially opens. Like most Chrysler’s, it needs to be recalled within 6 weeks.

1934: The Dionne quintuplets are born; they will be the first quintuplets to survive infancy… but the parents don’t make it through the first night.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Arab Aid
The US and Europe are pledging $35 billion to several Arab nations. It's not clear if we're going to give them that money in cash, or just pay by credit card at the gas pump.

Gaga Deal
Amazon will again sell Lady Gaga's new album for 99 cents for one day. Most of her fans missed the same deal earlier this week because they were at a dance party on Neptune.

Frank Scandal
Congressman Barney Frank is accused of getting his lover a position at Fannie Mae. This is serious because in several states, getting your partner a government job like that is considered domestic abuse.

Mets Deal
Hedge fund manager David Einhorn has bought 49% of the Mets for $200 million. It's a good deal because the other 51% of the Mets are $3 billion in debt.

Yemen Order
The U.S. has just ordered all its nonessential diplomats to leave Yemen... but I thought all the nonessential government employees were already in the White House.

May 27th

1937: The Golden Gate Bridge opens to pedestrian traffic, and 500 people use it to commit suicide on the first day.

1967: The U.S. Navy aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy is launched by Jacqueline Kennedy, her daughter Caroline, and 663 of the late president’s favorite hookers.

1996: Russian President Boris Yeltsin meets with Chechnyan rebels for the first time and negotiates a cease-fire… in return for a bottle of vodka and a nudie magazine.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Death by Cars
A new Harvard study says emissions from traffic jams led to the early deaths of 2,200 people last year alone... but for those of us stuck on the Cross Bronx Expressway, the dead are the lucky ones.

Green Mania
The new gas mileage stickers on new cars tell you how many green house emissions your car will produce... not including how many emissions your body will produce after you take your car to the Wendy's drive-thru.

Shacking Up
Unmarried couples make up 25% more of the population than 10 years ago... mostly because they can't afford to drive to the wedding chapel.

G8 Summit
At the G8 Summit today, President Obama will urge the other western economic powers to send more aid to failing regimes in Tunisia, Yemen, and Detroit.

Saban Bolts
Major Jewish Democrat donor Haim Saban says he is pulling his support from President Obama. It’s not because of Obama’s stand on Israel, it’s just that he never calls, he never writes…

May 26th

1830: The Indian Removal Act is passed by a U.S. Congress desperate for more casinos and cheaper cigarettes.

1936: In the House of Commons of Northern Ireland, member Tommy Henderson begins speaking for 10 straight hours on the Appropriation Bill… his bladder is now enshrined in the Medical Hall of Fame.

1998: The Supreme Court rules that Ellis Island is mainly in the state of New Jersey, not New York. Millions of immigrants and their children respond by trying to move back to Europe.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Greek Default
Greece is closer than ever to a national default. It's getting so bad, they're renting out the Parthenon this weekend to Charlie Sheen.

Electric Cars
A new poll says 57% of Americans will not buy an electric car no matter what the price of gas. Unfortunately, the other 43% know the government is going to make us buy them anyway.

Tequila Deal
Diageo is in talks to buy Jose Cuervo. It's all part of Diageo's effort to become the #1 cause of date rape.

Oprah's Last Show
Oprah Winfrey's final regular broadcast show ends today. That means it'll be about six weeks before she tells everyone she's gay.

Edwards Indictment Coming
John Edwards could soon face a federal indictment for using campaign funds to coverup his affair with a mistress... the only thing worse would be if he used that money to actually run for office.

May 25th

1925: John T. Scopes is indicted for teaching Charles Darwin's theory of evolution… and refusing to join the teachers union.

1961: President John F. Kennedy announces before a special joint session of the Congress his goal to initiate a project to put a "man on the Moon" before the end of the decade… and to nail Marilyn Monroe before the end of the year.

1977: Star Wars is released in theaters, eventually helping millions of American men stay unmarried through 2011.

Car Heart Monitor
Ford is now offering a car-seat heart monitor in some models. It was considering installing a brain monitor too, but most Ford buyers clearly don't have one.

Obama Editorial
President Obama has written a new editorial which includes the line: "Governments do not create jobs: bold people and innovative businesses do." Previously, Mr. Obama just thought that's where his campaign donations came from.

Lap Bands for Kids!
The people who make those slimming surgical lap bands are now marketing to teens. The most alluring pitch is the promise that having the surgery will get kids out of gym class for at least a month.

Prison Riot
A riot at San Quentin left four inmates hospitalized yesterday. Chaos broke out when the prisoners started to demand a cut of the guards' pension and vacation benefits.

Omar Not Dead
The Taliban says rumors of its leader Mullah Omar being killed are not true... but he has been despondent ever since he learned that the U.S. has taken possession of Osama bin Laden's porn collection.

May 24th

1830: Mary Had a Little Lamb by Sarah Josepha Hale is published… most readers initially think it is a cookbook.

1883: The Brooklyn Bridge is opened to traffic. Thousands of New Yorkers immediately take the opportunity to urinate on it.

2004: North Korea bans mobile phones and texting… millions of American parents with teenagers apply to live in North Korea.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Obama in Europe
President Obama begins a European tour today where he plans to give struggling European countries more aid... and by that he means he'll try to borrow more money from China to give struggling European countries more aid.

Gas Falls
Gas prices are down 14 cents in just the last 10 days! At that rate, the average family of four will soon be able to buy TWO cans of cat food for dinner!

Skipping School
In the Oakland, CA schools, 15% of the kids are absent four weeks or more every year. The other 85% apparantly know how to defend themselves a bit better.

Medicare Delusion
A new poll shows that most Americans say the budget can be balanced without cutting or changing Medicare... but only if the whole country moves to South America without telling the old people.

Christie Probe
The White House is sending operatives to dig up dirt on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie... in other words, they're just looking for an excuse to spend the next six months visiting very Krispy Kreme in New Jersey.

May 23rd

1533: The marriage of King Henry VIII to Catherine of Aragon is declared null and void… no one asks them to return the china.

1911: The New York Public Library is dedicated… now known as The Homeless Hotel.

1958: Explorer 1 ceases transmission… it just couldn’t get enough ratings.

May 22nd

1856: Congressman Preston Brooks of South Carolina beats Senator Charles Sumner with a cane in the hall of the United States Senate… a scene that Sumner endures again later that night, but for a fee in a Capitol-area whorehouse.

1872: President Ulysses S. Grant signs the Amnesty Act, restoring full civil rights to all Southerners except Yosemite Sam.

1972: Ceylon changes its name to Sri Lanka, just to screw with those geeks who play Risk.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

May 21st

1936: Sada Abe is arrested after wandering the streets of Tokyo for days with her lover's severed genitals in her hand… and boy was HE glad to get those back!

1990: The Democratic Republic of Yemen and North Yemen agree to merge to form the Crappy Republic of Yemen.

2005: The tallest roller coaster in the world, Kingda Ka opens at Six Flags Great Adventure… forcing the simultaneous opening of the world’s largest vomit mop.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Economic Poll
59% of the American people are unhappy with the U.S. economy. The other 41% say they plan to strike it rich by pretending they're Arnold Schwarzenegger's illegitimate children.

Zuckerbeg Success
Thanks to the huge Linked In IPO success yesterday, market experts believe that Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg could soon be worth more than $200 billion. That also makes him the only American 27-year-old who can pay his student loans.

Foreign Aid
President Obama said yesterday he wants to send billions more taxpayer dollars to Arab countries. Most of that money will be used to build nicer compounds for al Qaeda.

IMF Pension Baby
Despite being forced to step down in disgrace, former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn will get a $259,000-per year pension... just enough to afford a maid who won't go to the cops.

Medical Miracle?
Doctors say there's been a breakthrough in the treatment of paralysis using electrodes. This is the best cure for not being able to move other than voting people out of Congress.

May 20th

1497: John Cabot sets sail from Bristol, England, on his ship Matthew looking for a route to the west… and an excuse to spend 6 months alone in close quarters with a dozen 15-year-old boys.

1861: The state of Kentucky proclaims its neutrality in the Civil War… but then joins the Union when it realizes it would hurt basketball recruiting.

1882: The Triple Alliance between Germany, Austria-Hungary and Italy is formed. They join together mostly just to make fun of Spain.