Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Expos to D.C.?
Major League Baseball's relocation committee is reportedly close to moving the hapless Montreal Expos to Washington, D.C. The committee noted that large groups of really inept and overpaid men usually feel most comfortable working somewhere near the White House.

Boy Scout Fire
The federal government is suing the Boy Scouts of America for $14 million to recover damages from a forest fire that began at a scout camp. The Boy Scouts are agonizing over the suit, especially since the only way they're going to get that kind of money is to agree to have their next overnight campout at the Neverland Ranch.

Kerry College Plan
John Kerry is pledging to help more low-income and minority students graduate college. He doesn't really have a new scholarship plan for the kids, he's just going to make sure they get a better chance to finish school by not getting killed in Iraq.

Cheney at the Yankee Game
Vice President Dick Cheney joined former Mayor Rudy Giuliani at last night's game at Yankee Stadium. Cheney really blended in with the crowd; wearing a Yankees cap, eating peanuts, and yelling at all the Red Sox to "F**k off."

Top Reasons the Pentagon is Recalling 5,600 Recently Discharged Army Reservists to Iraq

-Nothing like another 5,600 U.S. troops to show the world just how much the new Iraqi government is in charge

-Well, that's 5,600 more guys off the unemployment rolls

-It's really hard to teach the new kids how to strip down prisoners and take pictures

-Keeps them from doing something dangerous while they're still in the states, like voting

-All the potential new recruits are on to them already

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

WEB ALERT!!! A new satirical article I've written about John Kerry is now featured at For those of you who were disturbed by some of my anti-Bush humor, this should warm your heart. Here's the link: Kerry Article

Cell Phones and Men
A new study says heavy cell phone use may damage men's sperm. But skeptical doctors say diagnosing reproductive problems for men who constantly use their cell phones is really just wishful thinking.

Supreme Court Decision
The Supreme Court voted to strike down a law that would have shielded children from Internet pornography by requiring the sites to give special access codes to adults only. Justices Kennedy, Souter, Ginsburg, and Stevens all voted against the law because it limits free speech and Justice Clarence Thomas rejected it because he doesn't want to carry those codes around with him all the time.

Iranians Expelled
The U.S. has just expelled two employees from the Iranian consulate to the UN, saying they were seen taking pictures of several New York City landmarks in what could have been terrorist planning. But the Iranians insist they were just looking for the best place to open their next newsstand.

GOP Convention Speakers
In a brilliant move, the Republicans will have New York Governor George Pataki introduce President Bush to the GOP Convention in New York City. Experts say the party was successful in finding the one elected official in America whose speech will actually make the President's speaking abilities look good in comparison.

Mob Bank Chief Raises Loan Sharking Rates to 35.5%

"Things is looking better, you know," says Mafia Money Man

(Jersey City, NJ) After two full days of meetings with representatives from the five major crime families, Central Mob Bank Chief Al Giorbilini has decided to raise interest rates on all loans by 5000 basis points to 35.5%.

"The vig is gotta go up," growled Giorbilini as he left the meeting at a downtown warehouse, "we know there's people holding out on us and business is getting better," he added.

Before the decision, the rough economy put the prevailing loan sharking rate at a 40-year low of 30.5% for more than two years. Most mobsters found the rate to be a necessary evil.

"So we gave out a little more money here and there, just to get things moving a little," said Frank "The Scrape" Scarpiccio, "but more of our customers is getting real jobs again and that means it's time to put the squeeze on a little more," he added with a sly smile.

Despite the rate hike, not everyone will have to pay the full 35.5% interest.

"No, we still got a special 30% 'prime rate' for our best customers; like actors and pop stars who sometimes run low on cash but is always good for the money in the long run. Those guys are such wimps anyway... you show them a clenched fist and they start paying up real fast," insisted Scarpiccio.

Giorbilini also stressed the many different loan options the mob will continue to offer.

"We got lots of plans. First there's the 'interest only' thing. That's when our guys come to visit you at your place of work every day and take a small token payment and maybe embarrass you just a little. True, that don't do nothing to your principal, but lots of our customers prefer that option," Giorbilini explained.

"And don't forget our limited property lien accounts," added Scarpiccio, "that's when we take a little merchandise from your office or store and fence that on the street from week-to-week. Based on how much we make on that, the total cost of the loan can really go down," he added.

Of course, most financial experts continue to strongly warn consumers against taking any loans from known mobsters at usurious rates.

"But they're still better than most credit card companies, so you may want to take your chances instead of maxing out your Visa," said financial journalist Jeanne Sahadi.

Monday, June 28, 2004

U.S. Handover of Power in Iraq Assures Freedom and Security for Paul Bremer

"So long Suckers," says giddy former Administrator

(Baghdad, Iraq) With the U.S. decision to handover sovereignty to Iraq coming two days early, a new day is dawning -- not for the Iraqi people or 135,000 American troops stationed there, but for a jubilant U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer.

"My personal nightmare is finally over," shouted an ecstatic Bremer to reporters trying to keep up with him as he hurried aboard an Air Force transport , "I knew our mission would be successful... yeah, right, whatever, I'm outta here" he added as he knocked down several elderly Iraqi airport workers on his way up the jet way.

"To me, handing over sovereignty to the Iraqi council means a lot," Bremer continued via cell phone moments after his plane took off, "but mostly it means I'll never have to go anywhere near that hell hole again! You gotta love the spoils of 'freedom,' right?"

Bremer's family expressed similar relief after hearing the news.

"Well, we're really glad that's over," said Bremer's wife Frances as she oversaw the servants untying the yellow ribbons from the 250 trees on the family's property in Virginia, "now we can get back to doing the normal things Paul and I like to do together, like horseback riding and maintaining our gated community's restrictive covenant."

Mrs. Bremer was especially candid about the facts behind her husband's service now that he's on his way home.

"Paul spent most of his life as a career diplomat, so when the Bush-Cheney fundraisers came calling in 2000 we only had a few hundred grand to fork over," she said. "Sure enough, instead of getting the prime assignments in Tahiti or Switzerland, Paul draws the short straw and gets Iraq. It's sad that so many more American boys will continue to die in the next 25 to 30 years we'll need to be over there, but the important thing is it's over for us," she concluded.

Bremer's future is uncertain, but he hinted he expects to have a successful career in the private sector.

"If you think Iraq is messed up, check out what most of my CEO colleagues have done to their companies over the last four years," Bremer boasted. Compared to Enron, WorldCom, and Tyco, my work looks pretty good right now," he added.

President Bush seemed equally happy with the news.

"The way this election is going, I'm going to need all my supporters state-side by November or I'm screwed," he said. "I wonder how long it would take to get Paul registered in Florida," he wondered aloud.

But for U.S. soldiers and the Iraqi people, the future is not as bright.

"Sure freedom reigns in Iraq, as long as you define 'freedom' as RPG fire and a parking lot full of car bombs," said staff sergeant Franklin Stubbs as he dodged sniper fire in downtown Baghdad. "Tell Mr. Bremer I'll be seeing him when I get back."

BREAKING NEWS: High Court Decision
Ruling on a case involving prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, the Supreme Court has just narrowly decided that President Bush does have the right to jail and silence American citizens without charges or trial if they pose a threat to national security. The administration is reacting quickly by arresting John Kerry.

Early Handover
The U.S. has handed sovereignty over to the new Iraqi government two days earlier than expected in an effort to surprise insurgents and confuse its critics. By the same reasoning, the Bush administration is now trying to hold U.S. elections sometime in late October.

Early Handover II
By handing over sovereignty to the Iraqi government two days earlier than expected, the Bush administration is simply following through with many of its most important policy goals, including creating a democratic government, getting a jump on terrorists, and screwing with Peter Jennings' travel plans.

Early Handover III
Reacting to the news, President Bush told guests at the NATO summit that the early handover means, "the Iraqi people have their country back." Unfortunately, Americans hoping to get their country back will still have to wait until January.

Concorde on Display
The Concorde supersonic jet is now on public display in a New York museum. Usually, when Americans want to see a place where only the super-rich are welcomed as guests, they have to take the White House tour.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Muscle Boy
Because of a genetic defect, a 4-year old German boy has grown huge muscles in his upper arms and thighs. Doctors say the boy should live a full life, but they're very worried he may one day become the Governor of California.

Cheney F-Bomb
In a stunning outburst, Vice President Dick Cheney told Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy to "f**k off" at a Senate picture-taking ceremony this week. But the Supreme Court has rushed out a 7-2 decision saying Cheney cannot be compelled to apologize.

Iacocca Back Kerry
Former Chrysler chief Lee Iacocca says he's backing John Kerry for president because he says, "Kerry will level with the American people." Iacocca's endorsement is expected to make a big difference, because if there's anyone who Americans trust with judging honesty, it's a former car salesman.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

WHITEHOUSE.ORG ALERT!!! I have a never-before published satirical piece on the Web site today. Please read it and use the e-mail link at the bottom to send it to your friends! Here's the link:

Jobs Report
The Bush administration is taking credit for turning the economy around again, pointing to news that even the most unskilled and uneducated young men are getting high-paying jobs this week. But it turned out that was just the NBA draft.

Kerry Vote
John Kerry rushed back to the Senate yesterday for a vote, only to see the Republicans reschedule it for a later date. An angry Kerry remarked that it was the most time he's wasted since he dated a woman for a whole month and it turned out she only had $50 million.

Supreme Court Decision
Earlier today, the Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that Vice President Cheney does not have to turn over records of his secret energy task force meetings. Writing in a separate decision, Justice Scalia added that Cheney also doesn't have to turn over all the intimate pictures they took of each other during that hunting trip last year.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Kerry's Plan
In a new campaign ad, John Kerry says he has a plan to eliminate most of the paperwork required for medical care while cutting costs at the same time. He's starting by giving himself all his own Botox injections from now on.

Fahrenheit 9/11 Rating
The Motion Picture Association of America has rejected Michael Moore's appeal to lower the "R" rating for his new film, Fahrenheit 9/11. The MPAA insists it's not political censorship; it's just that a two-hour movie filled with President Bush's speeches is likely to leave most children traumatized for life.

Saddam's Message
Saddam Hussein was allowed to send a very brief message to his family this week from his secret prison cell. Here is the letter and the real meaning of each sentence based on information from decoding experts:

"In the name of God the Merciful"
(Get me a good Jewish lawyer, now!)

"To my small family and my big family, salaam aleikum"
(You don't call, you don't write... this is how you treat me?)

“My spirit and my morale, they are high, thanks to greatness of God,”
(I just saw President Bush's approval ratings)

“And say hello to everyone.”
(See you in Syria next summer!)

Gambino Family Rejects United Airlines' Loan Request

"Whatta ya think we're stupid?" say local goons

(Paramus, New Jersey) In a stunning blow to the company's hopes to survive, the Gambino crime family has turned down United Airline's request for an $11 billion loan.

"We checked 'em out, and they don't look too good, you know," said Arnold "Zeke" Squitierri from a quiet social club downtown, "sure they got a lot of planes, but even if we could haul them back to our warehouse in Jersey City, it'd be pretty hard to fence that stuff on the street," he added.

The surprising decision to go to known loan-sharks came after the government rejected UAL's second request for $11.6 billion in loans and loan guarantees last week.

"Well, we knew it was a long shot," said UAL CEO Glenn Tilton, "but I must say the gentlemen of the Cosa Nostra treated us with the utmost respect and honesty. And there was plenty of fresh fruit and wine for everyone during our meeting. All in all, a much better experience than one of those Senate hearings."

Other mobsters were aghast that the Gambinos were even considering making such a loan.

"Sure, we're killers, pimps, and drug dealers," said Colombo kingpin Victor Orena, "but come on, helping the airlines? Sheesh, that's pretty bad stuff."

The latest rejection leaves the bankrupt airline in dire straits.

"Well, I guess I could ask my father-in-law for some more money," said Tilton, "but they way he lords it over me is pretty hard to take... I was really happier taking my chances with the mob."

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Bush Book
The attention on Bill Clinton's new book is convincing President Bush to write about all his political experiences and childhood memories. But publishing agents aren't sure if Americans will want to pay $30 for a book that's only five pages long.

President Bush is still ahead in the fundraising wars, taking in more than $200 million while Kerry has less than $150 million. But Kerry may have momentum on his side thanks to fund-raising dinners, Internet contributions, and the fact that he's marrying every rich woman in Utah.

Space Launch
In response to yesterday successful launch of SpaceShipOne, NASA might offer as much as $30 million in prizes to encourage other private companies to come up with their own spaceships... kind of like the $80 billion dollars the Bush Administration gave Halliburton to come up with a war in Iraq.

Dinosaurs for Sale
Some extremely valuable fossils will be auctioned off tonight at a ritzy Park Avenue event. This is truly a rare moment, because usually at high-priced New York auctions, the fossils are the ones doing the bidding.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Web Alert!! The satirical website Enduring Vision has published a new story I've written at: Enduring Vision

AND my Cookie Monster/Atkins story is still one of the hottest links on the web! In fact, it's the first thing that comes up when you type: "Cookie Monster" on Google News. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, here is the link: Cookie Story

Rowland Quitting
Embattled Connecticut Governor John Rowland is resigning. Experts say Rowland's willingness to move out of the Governor's Mansion can only mean one thing: his new summer home is finally ready!

Clinton on Hillary
Bill Clinton told "60 Minutes" he never could have won the presidency without marrying Hillary... something John Kerry can't understand because he's absolutely sure Hillary doesn't have $500 million.

Clinton on Starr
On "60 Minutes" last night, Bill Clinton blasted former prosecutor Ken Starr saying "all the public got for its $70 million was evidence of my personal failure with Monica Lewinsky." But most Americans think that's a bargain compared to the $80 billion it's costing us to get evidence of President Bush's personal failings with Iraq.

Al Qaeda Claim
A pro-Al Qaeda Web site claims the Saudi Army secretly aided the terror group in its latest kidnapping. But the U.S. sees this as good news since anyone looking for help FROM the Saudi Army must really be getting desperate.

Saudi Moves
In a new crackdown on terrorists, the Saudi Kingdom plans to do the following things:

-From now on, no more cash payments to terrorists... checks only

-Switching pro-terrorist telethons from free government channel to cable

-Cutting back on phys. ed, art and music at all Anti-American madrassahs

-From now on, all terrorists have to make their own beds and clean their own rooms when they stay at the royal palace

-Jacking up gas prices to $2.50 a gallon so Americans will stop wanting to buy gas and indirectly funding terrorists... oh wait, we did that already!

Friday, June 18, 2004

Web Alert!! In a nod to my continuing crusade to even the score on political humor, the website is running some of my John Kerry jokes. Check them out at: John Kerry Jokes

Bush Insists
Despite the 9/11 Commission's report proving no relationship between Saddam Hussein and Mohammed Atta, President Bush still insists there was a connection. Other questionable things President Bush believes:

-"Garfield the Movie," is the most important and moving film since "The Passion"

-The Mets are still in the pennant race

-Those 1,500 elderly Jews in Miami really did mean to vote for Pat Buchanan in 2000

-Bert and Ernie are "just friends"

-He doesn't need to look for another job right now

Father's Day Study
A new study shows that men with children under 18 are most likely to enjoy continued career success. Bill Clinton is responding to the news by trying to adopt Lindsay Lohan.

Clinton Admission
In his new book, Bill Clinton admitted he pursued the affair with Monica Lewinsky, "just because he could." In a related story, President Bush says he won't be reading Clinton's new book, "just because he can't."

Thursday, June 17, 2004

NEWSDAY ALERT!!!! I am back in the "Punchlines" section of Newsday today. What made the joke funnier in the print edition is the picture of Hugh Jackman in "The Boy from Oz" that they inserted. Here's the link:

Click this link to see how my Cookie Monster piece ran in The Fake News Fake News

Click this link to see the hilarious things people are saying as they review my cookie monster story: Forum

Healthcare Crisis
A new report says 82 million Americans are now without medical insurance. But this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now the only way to get affordable health care is to join the army.

Saddam Staying Put
It turns out the U.S. is not turning over Saddam Hussein to the new Iraqi government. President Bush is throwing them a bone by offering them another mad power-hungry leader, but the Iraqis aren't interested in getting Howard Dean.

Menopause Test
A new genetic test is helping doctors predict exactly which women are undergoing the early stages of menopause. But this is only slightly more accurate than old test, which identified women as menopausal as soon as they began looking and sounding like Bea Arthur.

Southern Baptists Bolt
The Southern Baptist Convention voted this week to quit the Baptist World Alliance, which members found to be too liberal. The group will now only be known by it's other title: The Republican Party.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Atkins Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster
"Me No Know What to Do," Moans Furry Snack-Lover

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.

"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Van Buren says information Cookie Monster's close friends are giving the police is proving to be of a "mixed nature."

"I saw four, four attackers, ah ah ah," said The Count.

"I think they had a red car, but I'm not so good with my colors," added Grover.

"Elmo loves the sun!" Exclaimed Elmo for no apparent reason.

Experts say Cookie Monster has long been a target for diet groups, but the Atkins cabal is particularly intent on using violence to get what they want.

"You think KFC, TGI Fridays, and all those packaged snack people just started offering low carb items because we asked nicely?" asked on Atkins terror cell leader who did not want to be identified. "We had to beat a lot of CEO's to a bloody pulp before they finally gave in," she added.

Paris and Nicole Hit the Road Again
Beginning tonight, Millions of Americans will watch two super-rich morons crisscross the Southern U.S., meeting new people and challenges along the way. And after the coverage of the Bush and Kerry campaigns is over, "The Simple Life 2" premieres on FOX.

Student Poll
A new poll shows 75% of American college students oppose a military draft. The other 25% are just hoping to move the frat party to Abu Ghraib Prison.

Alanis Engaged
Alanis Morissette and actor Ryan Reynolds are now engaged. The relationship should work out well for each of them: the mostly-unknown Reynolds will get some needed publicity, and Morissette gets a new asshole to write angry songs about.

Bolton Talk Show
Crooner Michael Bolton will host a daytime talk show beginning next year. The show is being touted as a vehicle for Bolton's many talents and a new tool for U.S. military interrogators to use at Abu Ghraib Prison.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

President Hawks New Medicare Drug Discount Card Scam that Should Confuse Seniors Enough so They'll Be too Tired to Figure out those Butterfly Ballots Again

(Remarks by the President on Medicare Approved Prescription Drug Discount Cards to Poor Bastards living in the hick town Liberty, Missouri)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. We're glad to be in Liberty, aren't we? My buddy John Ashcroft has taken away everyone's real liberty, so you have to actually live in this God-forsaken shit hole to honestly say you "live in Liberty," but what the Hell? Anyway, what a great town. Gosh, I want to thank the citizens for lining the street and waving to us coming in. Of course, since most of y'all are out of work now, what else do you have to do? (Laughter.) I really appreciate it. Mr. Mayor -- I know the Mayor is here, Steve Hawkins. Mayor, thank you for being willing to get your picture in the paper in front of Air Force One and looking important in this election year. It's sacrifices like yours and huge tax cuts for the wealthy that will help us win the War on Terror and in Iraq. And It's really great to be here in this swing state... just make sure you don't swing the wrong way, like some of those folks trying to get married in Massachusetts. (Laughter)

Our true strength in America is the fact that we've got loving senior citizens who are willing to volunteer, especially since Wal-Mart is the only place hiring around here and unlike those commercials lead you to believe, they really don't want your old asses in there either. Anyway, I call upon you to join the army of compassion. Make a difference by teaching a child or an adult to read, because my "No Child Left Behind" policy is going to end up shutting down most public schools. Don't worry, we're making sure your local churches will fill the hole with government-funded bible schools, but in the interim the nation will need you to do some tutoring. (Applause)

Nearly 39 years ago, not far from here, President Lyndon Baines Johnson paused long enough from his campaign to set wild Negroes loose on the streets to sign the Medicare law. My daddy opposed Medicare and called it a "Communist plot," but then he got his ass kicked real hard in the 1964 Senate race in Texas. That's when we all realized bashing Medicare was more suicidal that reading the Koran in an airport... well it took me a little longer to realize it, in 1964 I was pretty busy playing drunken "cream on the cookie" with all the other Frosh at Yale. I lost a few of those games, but I usually came out ahead. No pun intended (Laughter)

Anyway, now even I know that nothing gets your adult diapers in a bunch faster than scary talk about Medicare. And you folks tend to vote. So let me tell you what you can expect to get so I can get back to "Garfield the Movie" which I got on pause back on the Air Force One DVD player.

First, we're going to issue you these Medicare Drug Discount Cards. They're all laminated and look important. They entitle you to huge 5 % to 10% discounts on your drugs. Man, where was this thing when I was getting fleeced by that guy Jorge on that Dallas street corner back in the 70's? (Laughter) But seriously, this means you'll have a few extra bucks to spend on your medications. Okay, the drug companies actually wrote this legislation and they gave themselves plenty of time to jack up the prices to wipe out your discount completely... BUT in the spirit of compassionate conservatism, my administration has moved to freeze prices on cat food for two years. So this all ought to even out in the end. In fact, if you eat a little less "Fancy Feast," and a little more generic cat chow each month, you'll actually end up saving $50 a year! (Applause)

Second, we fixed one of the really screwed up parts of the current Medicare rules. You see, we were willing to provide money for operations, but we weren't willing to pay for the drugs that would prevent the operation from needing to happen in the first place. Seniors like you had the gall to ask the government to actually fix your problems permanently and avoid years of excruciating pain and side effects like recurring flatulence worse than you get when you accidentally swallow a gob of Polly-Grip. Plus, the drug companies don't make any money when you get operated on, just some Hebe doctor who probably donates money to the ACLU, so this is a lot better for everyone.

Now let's Meet Wanda over here. I saw you going to the pharmacy, local pharmacy here, and putting your card down, and her drugs, I think which would have cost her $19, cost her $1.70, something like that. Now it's true they gave you a roll of Sweettarts instead of your Cardizem, but you'll be long gone before you notice the difference, right Wanda?

Now I want you to meet my friend, Mark McClellan. He is -- he is a doctor and a Ph.D. He's from Texas. God damn you know how hard it is to find anyone with more than a college degree who'll even be seen with me, but thank Jesus Mark was able to ignore 12 years of liberal academic indoctrination and stand by my side. He is the Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. That's his job. He's just the kind of doctor you really want when you are sick. He fills out forms and makes sure no money is being wasted while you cry out in agony like a Iraqi prisoner in Abu Gharib, He's making sure our taxpayers get the best deal possible.

I'm gonna let Dr. Mark take over now so I can get back to my movie, but let's thank Mark and Wanda. Hey, where's Wanda? Well I guess those Sweettarts haven't kicked in yet, so you'll have to excuse her.

Thanks for greeting us today. I'm so honored you came. May God bless you all. (Applause.)

Social Security Future
The government now says the Social Security trust fund should stay solvent longer than previously thought. That's because with prescription drug costs rising so fast, most elderly Americans will probably die before they collect most of their benefits.

Social Security Future II (alternate punch line)
The government now says the Social Security trust fund should stay solvent longer than previously thought. That's because most employees of American companies now actually live in India, so they're not eligible to collect any benefits.

P. Diddy Sick
Hip-hop music impresario and new Broadway actor Sean "P. Diddy" Combs was forced to cancel Saturday's matinee performance of "A Raisin in the Sun" because of a stomach ailment. The sickness is eerily similar to the one everyone in the audience suffers from soon after he takes the stage during every other performance.

Bishops Conference
More than 250 of America's Roman Catholic bishops opened a private retreat this week at a resort in Colorado. The clergymen chose the remote location because it will foster more spiritual reflection, encourage more open debate, and the Boy Scout sleep-away camp is about a half mile away.

Moore R-rating
Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo is leading a movement to get the rating on Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911" lowered from "R" to "PG-13." Because Democrats want people who can't even vote to hate Bush too.

Monday, June 14, 2004

(The following are the brief comments made by President Bush at the White House today at the official unveiling of the portraits of President William Jefferson Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton):

The President: "Alright, let's get this over with. I have another election to steal, and Bill, I bet you have someone waiting for you in suite 102 at the Willard, right?

It's good to see so many members of the Clinton and Rodham families here at the White House. I want to thank the hard-working men and women of our country's parole and furlough boards who have made that possible.

And I'm happy to see Chelsea joining her parents this afternoon. Chelsea, I hope it's okay that Jenna and Barbara are interviewing for your job at McKinsey today. To keep their unemployed asses out of the Red Room liquor cabinet, I went ahead and called your bosses and told them they might be audited if they didn't think of replacing employees like you who keep running off to Washington every time someone decides to throw some bullshit honor their parents' way.

President Clinton, for eight years you filled this house with energy, joy, and your demon seed. I know it seemed like a lot longer to most of us, especially to those on the staff who had to give the Oval Office a good scrubbing. But you did a good job of helping my Wall Street and Enron friends gather up enough cash to bankroll my campaign, so I guess you deserve some thanks.

Now I know they still have the curtains over these pictures, but I want to tell all you all this Negro drawer Simmie Knox did a pretty good job. Bill, he's really worked hard to preserve the pre-cyphaloid appearance of your face. And I appreciate how he cropped out the back of Monica's head from the lower front of your torso. Future White House visitors will appreciate that too.

And Hillary, even though Laura says Picasso would have been a better choice to paint you because you have more like three ass cheeks than two, I think he's done pretty good by you too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got "Garfield, The Movie" sitting on pause on the bedroom VCR.


SPECIAL ALERTS!!! Two more web sites now running my material. The first is Enduring, and the second is The Fake They are both sites that use longer-form stories like "The Onion."

Enduring Vision Links: Article #1 &
Article #2

The Fake News Link: Article

Barbie's Clothes
Mattel is coming out with the "Barbie" line of clothing for adult women later this year. But the idea of offering Barbie's style to real women isn't really new; plastic surgeons have been selling the doll's fake boobs for years.

GOP Convention
New York City is making several changes in order to help visiting Republicans feel more comfortable during this summer's GOP convention. Those changes include suspending parking rules, freeing up hotel rooms, and instituting a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on Broadway.

Puerto Rican Day Parade
Hundreds of thousands of people jammed the streets of New York yesterday for the Puerto Rican Day parade. The revelers celebrated
Puerto Rican heritage, music, and the fact that J. Lo and Mark Anthony's marriage has lasted more than a week

Campaigns Resume
The memorial week for President Reagan is over, but millions of Americans still have the late leader in their thoughts. That's because now that the presidential campaigns are resuming, most Americans are wishing they were dead too.

Clinton Book Tour
Former President Bill Clinton's plans to endorse John Kerry on his book tour this summer raises some ethical questions. But Democrats aren't worried that any campaign finance laws will be broken since the principal purpose of each Clinton appearance will obviously be selling his book and checking out hot chicks.

Supreme Court on the Pledge
The U.S. Supreme Court preserved the phrase "one nation, under God," in the Pledge of Allegiance today. The justices unanimously reasoned that Atheists could not challenge the patriotic oath while sidestepping the fact that 99% of American school kids can't remember any of the other phrases in the pledge either.

Lakers on the Brink
Despite 36 points and 20 rebounds from Shaquille O'Neil, the L.A. Lakers lost Game 4 of the NBA Finals last night, 88-80. Usually Shaq doesn't work this hard in a losing cause unless he's trying to memorize the lines in one of his movies.

Friday, June 11, 2004

French SUV's
The French government is considering banning oversized, expensive gas-guzzling SUV's in Paris. The new law will make the streets safer for the oversized, expensive wine-guzzling French people.

Bush Attack Ad
In a new campaign ad blasting John Kerry, the announcer insists that "pessimism never created a job"... a claim that's being bitterly opposed by everyone who sells life insurance.

Lakers Lose
The Detroit Pistons now have a surprising two games to one lead over the Lakers in the NBA Finals. The Pistons' team defense has been so good, Kobe Bryant is hiring them to be his new lawyers.

Libya Hit Squad
Libyan leader Moammar Khadafi is denying reports his country trained a hit squad to kill Saudi leaders. Khadafi did admit however that Libyan commandos did target Dr. Emmet Brown and Marty McFly after they used his nation's small supply of plutonium to build a faulty time machine in 1985.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Kerry Reacts
All the attention on President Reagan's death is boosting George Bush's poll numbers and delighting Republicans. Now John Kerry is doing the only thing he can to boost his poll numbers and make Republicans happy at the same time -- he's having President Carter killed.

The Capitol Today
More than 200,000 people are lining up outside the Capitol Rotunda today... and just as soon as those lobbyists are finished going about their business, all the other people waiting will be able to pay their respects to Ronald Reagan.

Reagan Funeral Tomorrow
President Bush will wrap up the G-8 Summit in time to give the eulogy at President Reagan's funeral tomorrow. But Laura Bush will not be attending because she'll be busy promoting the opening of her new movie "The Stepford Wives."

Dog Words
Researchers now say that most dogs can be trained to understand more than 200 words. That gives them language skills equal to apes, dolphins and most U.S. Senators.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

SPECIAL ALERT!! A special, never-before published piece I wrote about the "Stop Loss" military order is now on the satirical web site! Warning! This site is definitely R-rated in its language, (but no dirty pictures), and very anti-Bush, so click with caution.

Reagan Funeral Arrangements
President Reagan's coffin will be taken by horse-drawn caisson to the Capitol rotunda today. But members of the honor guard are hitting a snag in their preparations because they can't figure out how to tell if all the horses really are Republicans.

Passion Short-Changed
Mel Gibson's film company is suing the movie theater chain Regal Entertainment, claiming it shortchanged the company on revenues from "The Passion of the Christ." Gibson says he's "mystified" by Regal's conduct, but only because it's not owned by Jews.

Money & Sex
Contrary to popular belief, a new study shows that rich people are NOT any more likely to have more sex or more sexual partners. The news is having a stunning effect across the country; all trading on the New York Stock Exchange has been halted, furriers and jewelers are declaring bankruptcy, and Donald Trump now says his entire life is "meaningless."

Money & Sex II
Top five things we now know thanks to the new study that says there's no connection between sex and money:

-Way too many free Viagra samples out there right now

-Jack Welch, Dennis Kozlowski, and Patrick Ewing all get women because they really are great-looking

-Breast implants really are getting cheaper!

-There isn't anything else to do at the trailer park

-I guess mom really did get that fur coat because of her pot roast after all

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Reagan Cancellations
President Reagan's death has prompted many closings and changes across the country. Stock markets will be closed on Friday, economic reports will be postponed until Monday, and the entire American news media will refrain from reporting any other stories for the rest of the week.

Chicken Ranch for Sale
The ranch that was once known as "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" is now for sale for about $7 million. The ranch is not to be confused with "The Best Big Whorehouse" in Texas, also known as the State Legislature.

Noise Control
New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg is declaring war on noise in the city. Here are some of his anti-noise recommendations:

-When in a dispute with another motorist on a residential street, try using your middle finger instead of honking your horn

-Free gun silencers!

-Amnesty for all thieves caught stealing a vehicle with a loud car alarm

-Forget listening for that annoying jingle to find an ice cream truck; just follow the kids whose parents are suing McDonald's!

-Stop people from driving around with loud car radios by jacking gas prices to $2.50 a gallon... oh wait, we did that already!

Monday, June 07, 2004

SPECIAL UPDATE!! A spoof article I wrote a few months ago has been published in the literary Webzine "Ducts." It's actually a well-respected publication with an NEH grant, (although to some people, I guess that's an oxymoron). Anyway, here are the links to the article and my short profile.

Article: Article

Profile: Profile

J. Lo Marries
In a surprise, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were married in a quiet ceremony this weekend in Los Angeles. About 40 guests attended, which means only the couple's divorce attorneys were invited.

Reagan & the Campaign
Republicans expect the outpouring of emotion over President Reagan's death to boost Bush's poll numbers. But experts say it could have the opposite effect because after a week of watching Reagan's old speeches, the American people may once again long for a President who speaks English.

Sunday, June 06, 2004



Former President Ronald Reagan Speaks to President Bush from
the Great Beyond!!

(The following is a transcript of the late President Ronald Reagan's first message to President George W. Bush

"George… George my boy, this is your beloved mentor speaking to you from Heaven. My long battle is finally over, even as yours has just begun. Luckily, in death I have become more powerful than those Double Dealing Deficit Democrats could ever imagine, so I’ll always be with you to act as your guide.

First, the answer to the question I know you want answered the most: God is a Republican! Well, he hasn’t told me so in those exact words, but he does say he never makes mistakes and has no qualms about punishing “evil ones”… so does that sound like a liberal to you? He also hasn't taxed me once since I got here, which is a relief since Nancy always handled our money with the help of our astrologer, I mean financial adviser. One thing I can tell you, the Lord sure isn’t a Queer… he speaks without a lisp, and assures me the whole rainbow thing was his idea first.

Now let me apologize to you for not being able to hold out a little longer. I know Rove told you it would have been best for me to die just before election day so you could get a few hundred thousand sympathy votes, and he was right about that. But now at least you’ll be able to avoid some hard questions for another few days and you can turn the Republican National Convention into a tribute to me. Let’s see those liberal TV networks try to pull the plug on that!

Moving on, since this is the first you’ve heard from me in some time I need to clear up a few things. I know Nancy has been criticizing you a bit about your position on stem cell research, but the Lord and I want you to know one thing: STAND FAST CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!! I may never have bothered to go to church even once during my whole eight years in office, but I know piety when I see it. I know He’s told you himself many times, but let me also remind you that you are doing God’s work. Yes it was Satan who convinced mommie to criticize you, but hopefully she’ll have the strength to fend off his powers when she speaks at my funeral.

Now to your current situation. You know it pains me to see you getting attacked by those Democrats and leftover commie symps in the press day after day. I sure wish I could give you some of my wit and easy-going style with the media to better handle it all. Perhaps it was the cocaine Satan gave you back in the 70’s that ate up the communicative part of your brain, but the Lord Himself assures me it cannot be restored. You could pretend to have a hearing problem every time they ask you the tough questions; that used to work for me all the time.

Well, I have to go now. Jesus has promised me a look at JFK and LBJ suffering “down below,” and I really don’t want to miss that! God loves you George and keep up the good work."

Friday, June 04, 2004

D-Day Anniversary
Sunday marks the 60th anniversary of D-Day, when thousands of American boys faced bullets, bombs, and fire as they stormed the beaches at Normandy. Their sacrifice has encouraged many of today's Americans to endure similar treatment every time they visit Paris.

Papal Visit
President Bush emerged from his meeting with Pope John Paul II today saying he felt "close ties" with the Holy Father. That's because the Pope is the only world leader who finds public speaking more painful than he does.

Kerry Plan
John Kerry says he wants to increase the size of the armed forces by 40,000 people. But there will actually be millions of Americans ready to take up arms if Kerry is elected in November.

Stop Loss
The White House is revoking the discharge orders for thousands of U.S. troops who thought they were coming home from Afghanistan and Iraq. But there will be exceptions made for some soldiers, like the ones registered to vote in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Tenet Quits
In a surprise announcement, George Tenet resigned as Director of the CIA today. Tenet says it was because of "personal reasons;" since being the man in charge of intelligence in the Bush Administration made him very, very lonely.

Tenet's Achievements
Top Accomplishments of Tenet's seven years as CIA Director:

-Provided President Clinton with innovative "bra size-to-phone number" flow chart for every woman in Washington

-Scored anti-terror surveillance coup by planting homing beacon in each and every New York City cab

-Hired friendly Sesame Street muppet Elmo to help President Bush better understand daily intelligence briefings

-Cracked all the secrets to become big winner of ABC's "Celebrity Mole"

-Found "slam dunk" evidence of WMD in Iraq, Syria, Berkeley, The New York Times, and Democratic National Headquarters,...

Productivity Gains
A new report shows the productivity of U.S. workers since January has grown at a brisk 3.8% rate, faster than previously thought. Experts say it's because of new technology, better time management, and the photos of thousands of smiling Indian employees most bosses are placing on each of their workers' desks.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Drugs vs. Therapy
A new study shows that antidepressant drugs like Prozac help teenagers overcome depression far better than talk therapy. Experts say that's because drug companies keep making better pills, but there still isn't anyone who knows how to have a meaningful conversation with a teenager.

Giuliani Featured
GOP campaign planners will showcase former Mayor Rudy Giuliani at the Republican National Convention in New York this summer. Not because most Americans see him as a hero, but because he's actually the only Republican who lives in New York City.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Kerry Promise
John Kerry is promising that if he's elected President, he will work harder to keep the most dangerous weapons out of the world's most unstable hands. But experts say he already did that by defeating Howard Dean in the primaries.

"Shrek 2" beats "The Day After Tomorrow"
More people chose to lose themselves in a make-believe world of fairies, elves and faraway kingdoms rather than face the horrific effects of global warming. Experts aren't sure who's enjoying this news more, Shrek's creators or the Bush Administration.

Medicare Card
Elderly people can now begin paying for medications with their new Medicare drug discount card, but fewer than a thousand seniors nationwide are expected to use it today. That's because most of them are still saving up to buy enough gas to get to the drugstore.

Mental Illness Study
A new study says that even though the signs of insanity are everywhere on TV and in the news, the U.S. has the highest rate of untreated mental illness. But doctors say they're doing all they can for Al Gore and Howard Dean.