President Hawks New Medicare Drug Discount Card Scam that Should Confuse Seniors Enough so They'll Be too Tired to Figure out those Butterfly Ballots Again
(Remarks by the President on Medicare Approved Prescription Drug Discount Cards to Poor Bastards living in the hick town Liberty, Missouri)
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. We're glad to be in Liberty, aren't we? My buddy John Ashcroft has taken away everyone's real liberty, so you have to actually live in this God-forsaken shit hole to honestly say you "live in Liberty," but what the Hell? Anyway, what a great town. Gosh, I want to thank the citizens for lining the street and waving to us coming in. Of course, since most of y'all are out of work now, what else do you have to do? (Laughter.) I really appreciate it. Mr. Mayor -- I know the Mayor is here, Steve Hawkins. Mayor, thank you for being willing to get your picture in the paper in front of Air Force One and looking important in this election year. It's sacrifices like yours and huge tax cuts for the wealthy that will help us win the War on Terror and in Iraq. And It's really great to be here in this swing state... just make sure you don't swing the wrong way, like some of those folks trying to get married in Massachusetts. (Laughter)
Our true strength in America is the fact that we've got loving senior citizens who are willing to volunteer, especially since Wal-Mart is the only place hiring around here and unlike those commercials lead you to believe, they really don't want your old asses in there either. Anyway, I call upon you to join the army of compassion. Make a difference by teaching a child or an adult to read, because my "No Child Left Behind" policy is going to end up shutting down most public schools. Don't worry, we're making sure your local churches will fill the hole with government-funded bible schools, but in the interim the nation will need you to do some tutoring. (Applause)
Nearly 39 years ago, not far from here, President Lyndon Baines Johnson paused long enough from his campaign to set wild Negroes loose on the streets to sign the Medicare law. My daddy opposed Medicare and called it a "Communist plot," but then he got his ass kicked real hard in the 1964 Senate race in Texas. That's when we all realized bashing Medicare was more suicidal that reading the Koran in an airport... well it took me a little longer to realize it, in 1964 I was pretty busy playing drunken "cream on the cookie" with all the other Frosh at Yale. I lost a few of those games, but I usually came out ahead. No pun intended (Laughter)
Anyway, now even I know that nothing gets your adult diapers in a bunch faster than scary talk about Medicare. And you folks tend to vote. So let me tell you what you can expect to get so I can get back to "Garfield the Movie" which I got on pause back on the Air Force One DVD player.
First, we're going to issue you these Medicare Drug Discount Cards. They're all laminated and look important. They entitle you to huge 5 % to 10% discounts on your drugs. Man, where was this thing when I was getting fleeced by that guy Jorge on that Dallas street corner back in the 70's? (Laughter) But seriously, this means you'll have a few extra bucks to spend on your medications. Okay, the drug companies actually wrote this legislation and they gave themselves plenty of time to jack up the prices to wipe out your discount completely... BUT in the spirit of compassionate conservatism, my administration has moved to freeze prices on cat food for two years. So this all ought to even out in the end. In fact, if you eat a little less "Fancy Feast," and a little more generic cat chow each month, you'll actually end up saving $50 a year! (Applause)
Second, we fixed one of the really screwed up parts of the current Medicare rules. You see, we were willing to provide money for operations, but we weren't willing to pay for the drugs that would prevent the operation from needing to happen in the first place. Seniors like you had the gall to ask the government to actually fix your problems permanently and avoid years of excruciating pain and side effects like recurring flatulence worse than you get when you accidentally swallow a gob of Polly-Grip. Plus, the drug companies don't make any money when you get operated on, just some Hebe doctor who probably donates money to the ACLU, so this is a lot better for everyone.
Now let's Meet Wanda over here. I saw you going to the pharmacy, local pharmacy here, and putting your card down, and her drugs, I think which would have cost her $19, cost her $1.70, something like that. Now it's true they gave you a roll of Sweettarts instead of your Cardizem, but you'll be long gone before you notice the difference, right Wanda?
Now I want you to meet my friend, Mark McClellan. He is -- he is a doctor and a Ph.D. He's from Texas. God damn you know how hard it is to find anyone with more than a college degree who'll even be seen with me, but thank Jesus Mark was able to ignore 12 years of liberal academic indoctrination and stand by my side. He is the Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. That's his job. He's just the kind of doctor you really want when you are sick. He fills out forms and makes sure no money is being wasted while you cry out in agony like a Iraqi prisoner in Abu Gharib, He's making sure our taxpayers get the best deal possible.
I'm gonna let Dr. Mark take over now so I can get back to my movie, but let's thank Mark and Wanda. Hey, where's Wanda? Well I guess those Sweettarts haven't kicked in yet, so you'll have to excuse her.
Thanks for greeting us today. I'm so honored you came. May God bless you all. (Applause.)