Reagan Cancellations
President Reagan's death has prompted many closings and changes across the country. Stock markets will be closed on Friday, economic reports will be postponed until Monday, and the entire American news media will refrain from reporting any other stories for the rest of the week.

Chicken Ranch for Sale
The ranch that was once known as "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" is now for sale for about $7 million. The ranch is not to be confused with "The Best Big Whorehouse" in Texas, also known as the State Legislature.

Noise Control
New York's Mayor Michael Bloomberg is declaring war on noise in the city. Here are some of his anti-noise recommendations:

-When in a dispute with another motorist on a residential street, try using your middle finger instead of honking your horn

-Free gun silencers!

-Amnesty for all thieves caught stealing a vehicle with a loud car alarm

-Forget listening for that annoying jingle to find an ice cream truck; just follow the kids whose parents are suing McDonald's!

-Stop people from driving around with loud car radios by jacking gas prices to $2.50 a gallon... oh wait, we did that already!