Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday


Tenet Quits
In a surprise announcement, George Tenet resigned as Director of the CIA today. Tenet says it was because of "personal reasons;" since being the man in charge of intelligence in the Bush Administration made him very, very lonely.

Tenet's Achievements
Top Accomplishments of Tenet's seven years as CIA Director:

-Provided President Clinton with innovative "bra size-to-phone number" flow chart for every woman in Washington

-Scored anti-terror surveillance coup by planting homing beacon in each and every New York City cab

-Hired friendly Sesame Street muppet Elmo to help President Bush better understand daily intelligence briefings

-Cracked all the secrets to become big winner of ABC's "Celebrity Mole"

-Found "slam dunk" evidence of WMD in Iraq, Syria, Berkeley, The New York Times, and Democratic National Headquarters,...


Productivity Gains
A new report shows the productivity of U.S. workers since January has grown at a brisk 3.8% rate, faster than previously thought. Experts say it's because of new technology, better time management, and the photos of thousands of smiling Indian employees most bosses are placing on each of their workers' desks.