NEWSDAY ALERT!!! Newsday's "Punchlines" column published TWO of my jokes today. Here's the link: Newsday

Nixon Drunk
The newly-declassified Kissinger tapes show President Nixon was regularly drunk while the White House dealt with the 1973 Arab-Israeli war. So while Nixon started to drink because of a war, President Bush started a war because he needed a drink.

Kerry Decision
Despite the advantages it would have given him in campaign spending, John Kerry has decided not to delay accepting his inevitable nomination at the Democratic National Convention next month. Luckily for Kerry, he still gets to take in new campaign donations by delaying his inevitable defeat until November.

Cosby Comments
Bill Cosby is attacking lower-income Black parents for allowing their kids to waste money and not speak English correctly. But the NAACP says Cosby should be ashamed to compare so many African-Americans with the Bush family.

Queens Olympics
Mayor Bloomberg says if New York City gets the 2012 Olympics, the city will build an Olympic village in Queens. The U.S. athletes dorming in the facility will represent the largest number of Americans living in Queens since 1964.

Bryant Park Poop
Workers are installing a series of wires in New York's Bryant Park to discourage the many pigeons from continuing to poop in the area. Sadly, there's still no device in place to stop the many humans who use the park for the same reason.

Landlord Assault
A New York City man took the stand yesterday to describe how a man tried to murder him to get his $400-a-month rent-controlled apartment. But the judge had to call a mistrial when all the attorneys and jurors rushed out of the courtroom hoping it wasn't too late to rent the place for themselves.