SPECIAL SATURDAY EDITION

BREAKING NEWS!!

Former President Ronald Reagan Speaks to President Bush from
the Great Beyond!!

(The following is a transcript of the late President Ronald Reagan's first message to President George W. Bush


"George… George my boy, this is your beloved mentor speaking to you from Heaven. My long battle is finally over, even as yours has just begun. Luckily, in death I have become more powerful than those Double Dealing Deficit Democrats could ever imagine, so I’ll always be with you to act as your guide.

First, the answer to the question I know you want answered the most: God is a Republican! Well, he hasn’t told me so in those exact words, but he does say he never makes mistakes and has no qualms about punishing “evil ones”… so does that sound like a liberal to you? He also hasn't taxed me once since I got here, which is a relief since Nancy always handled our money with the help of our astrologer, I mean financial adviser. One thing I can tell you, the Lord sure isn’t a Queer… he speaks without a lisp, and assures me the whole rainbow thing was his idea first.

Now let me apologize to you for not being able to hold out a little longer. I know Rove told you it would have been best for me to die just before election day so you could get a few hundred thousand sympathy votes, and he was right about that. But now at least you’ll be able to avoid some hard questions for another few days and you can turn the Republican National Convention into a tribute to me. Let’s see those liberal TV networks try to pull the plug on that!

Moving on, since this is the first you’ve heard from me in some time I need to clear up a few things. I know Nancy has been criticizing you a bit about your position on stem cell research, but the Lord and I want you to know one thing: STAND FAST CHRISTIAN SOLDIER!! I may never have bothered to go to church even once during my whole eight years in office, but I know piety when I see it. I know He’s told you himself many times, but let me also remind you that you are doing God’s work. Yes it was Satan who convinced mommie to criticize you, but hopefully she’ll have the strength to fend off his powers when she speaks at my funeral.

Now to your current situation. You know it pains me to see you getting attacked by those Democrats and leftover commie symps in the press day after day. I sure wish I could give you some of my wit and easy-going style with the media to better handle it all. Perhaps it was the cocaine Satan gave you back in the 70’s that ate up the communicative part of your brain, but the Lord Himself assures me it cannot be restored. You could pretend to have a hearing problem every time they ask you the tough questions; that used to work for me all the time.

Well, I have to go now. Jesus has promised me a look at JFK and LBJ suffering “down below,” and I really don’t want to miss that! God loves you George and keep up the good work."