Friday, January 30, 2009

Obama on Bonuses
President Obama slammed Wall Street for taking more than $18 billion in bonuses in 2008. He's so angry that's he's only going to give Wall Street $100 billion worth of the $900 billion stimulus plan.

Dodd Angry
Senator Christopher Dodd is blasting Wall Street for giving itseld $18 billion worth of bonuses despite drastic losses in 2008. Dodd says he's personally outraged because everyone knows the only people who can get pay raises when they fail are members of Congress.

Blago Removed
The state of Illinois has finally rid itself of Governor Rod Blagojevich... now if someone could just get him off of CNN.

Crime Gangs
The FBI now says that 80% of the crime in the U.S. is being carried out by ruthless gangs... but enough about Citigroup, Bank of America and Goldman Sachs.

Child Health Care
The Senate has just approved a bill bringing medical coverage to 4 million previously uninsured American children... and if the Senators would just acknowledge their illegitimate children, that could bring coverage to at least 5 million more kids.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

UN for Gaza
The United Nations has started an emergency appeal to help Palestinians in Gaza. Everyone who donates $100 or more gets a exploding tote bag.

Parsons on the Train
New Citigroup Chairman Richard Parsons is winning praise for taking Amtrak instead of using a private jet to get to meeting in Washington, D.C. yesterday. Of course being Parsons, he accidentally boarded the train to Chicago.

Economic Impact
Supervisors at suicide call-in centers across the country say many of the calls they're fielding now are about layoffs, lapsed medical insurance, and foreclosure... but most of the calls are still from people depressed about Oprah's weight gain.

Partisan Vote
The House passed the $819 billion Obama stimulus plan, but not one Republican voted for it. Meanwhile, the 11 Democrats who voted against it were just angry that the bill included no grants for extra interns.

Digital Delay Nixed
The House of Representatives has defeated a measure to delay the national switchover to digital television. It's comforting to know that with our banks collapsing and layoffs surging, our government still has time to protect the jobs of all the Chinese workers who make our cable boxes.

America Moves
A new poll shows that 50% of Americans want to move elsewhere... and the other 50% will also want to move to get away from the other half once they get there.

NATO and Ice Caps
NATO's commander says he's worried about the security threats posed by the melting Artic ice caps... mostly because NATO just doesn't have enough troops to fight off the inevitable rise in crazed European environmental demonstrators.

Starbucks Layoffs
Starbucks is cutting 6,700 jobs... something that promises to be awkward when all those laid off workers inevitably end up spending all day hanging out at Starbucks.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Stimulus Rush
The House is rushing to vote on President Obama's $825 billion 1,000-page stimulus plan. Congress will use $25 billion to boost the economy and $800 billion to pay someone to actually read the bill.

NFL Head Trauma
New studies show more and more NFL players have sustained massive brain damage... which explains how they find enough people to play for the Detroit Lions.

SEC Move?
There's a strong push to move the headquarters of the Securities and Exchange Commission from Washington to Wall Street. This should make it easier for ponzi scammers and insider traders to find the right people to bribe.

Geithner Picks Goldman Lobbyist
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has picked a former Goldman Sachs lobbyist as his top aide. Geithner realized a Goldman employee would be a perfect choice after seeing an episode of "Criminal Minds."

Yahoo Loses
Internet giant Yahoo lost $303 million in the fourth quarter of 2008. Losing money wouldn't be so embarrassing if it weren't for the fact that Yahoo is supposed to be a SEARCH engine.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Obama Olive Branch
President Obama told Arab TV network Al-Arabiya that he wants Muslims to know that "Americans are not your enemy." But it's a tough sell starting off on the wrong foot since Obama's live interview preempted the network's wildly popular "How to Behead Americans" comedy series.

Some eyebrows are being raised because President Obama granted his first full-length interview to Al-Arabiya since entering the White House. The Obama administration explained that the president wanted to immediately speak with a network that wasn't as anti-American as MSNBC.

Surprise Octuplets
A woman in California delivered octuplets Monday morning, surprising doctors who expected seven babies. If you think they were surprised, imagine how shocked the pharmacist who sold her husband those condoms nine months ago must be.

Doctors say the mother is doing "very well" after the deliveries, which took about five minutes. Five minutes seems fast for octuplets, until you realise that's 3 minutes longer than it took for her husband to get the mom pregnant.

College Crunch
Colleges across the country are facing huge endowment losses. As a result, some schools have gone from charging $40,000 in tuition to the more lucrative process of simply taking students hostage and demanding a ransom.

Teen Sex
New studies show that today’s teens are not having more sex, despite public perceptions. This is not so much a success for abstinence programs as it is a strong rebuke for the writers of "Gossip Girl."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Going to the Knicks
I took my daughter to a Knicks game this weekend; not so much to watch the game, but just so she could get used to the players enough that she'll be able to identify them in the inevitable police lineup.

Obama Stimulus
President Obama's economic stimulus plan is now expected to cost at least $825 billion. The huge pricetage may have something to do with the fact that the plan is being crafted by the same guy who decorated John Thain's new office.

Mayor Affair
The mayor of Portland, Oregon in stuck in a serious controversy as he now admits to having an affair with an 18-year-old man. The story is splitting Portland's gay and lesbian community; the lesbians want the mayor to resign, and the gays just want that 18-year-old's number.

The mayor of Portland insists he won't resign despite being caught in a lie about an affair with an 18-year-old man. But he will consider stepping down as soon as he can run for Governor of New Jersey.

New Emissions Standards
The Obama administration will now allow California and 13 other states to set stricter automobile emissions and fuel efficiency standards. So now everyone will be forced to take the bus to the unemployment office.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Construction Contraction
U.S. building starts have slowed to record low levels. With no construction workers on the streets, women looking to be harassed publicly will just have to start going to Knicks games.

Thain Flushed
John Thain is out at Bank of America after he demanded a huge bonus and spent $35,000 for a new toilet in his office. But Bank of America will keep the toilet, and use it to flush away the billions of dollars worth of new bailout money it's going to get from the government this year.

White House Meeting
President Obama will meet with Congressional leaders this morning. The White House insists the meeting will be bipartisan; an equal number of participants who think Obama is great and those who think he's really great will be there.

Madoff Cancer
The New York Post reports that Bernie Madoff has pancreatic cancer. But for some reason, he can't find a decent Jewish doctor.

Stimulus Rules
Some members of Congress want conditions on the Obama stimulus plan, including a rule that the money should be used to buy only American products... which would be nice if we made anything in America anymore.

Gillibrand Chosen
New York Governor David Paterson has chosen Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand to fill the senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton... mostly because they really, really dress alike.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Teddy Better
Senator Ted Kennedy is expected to leave the hospital today after suffering a seizure at President Obama's inaugural luncheon. Doctors felt confident that Kennedy was recovering when he finally started speaking more coherently than his niece Caroline.

Caroline Out
Caroline Kennedy has abandoned her bid for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton, citing personal concerns... like not being able to recite the oath of office properly.

Obama's First Call
President Obama has invited the leaders of Jordan, Egypt, Israel and the Palestinian Authority to the White House. Obama expects to feel better about his new job by immediately meeting with people running countries that are actually more screwed up than the U.S.

President Obama is hoping to stabilize the U.S. economy, but now that President Bush is out office, John Stewart, Keith Olberman and Stephen Colbert need a bailout.

Buffalo Wing Shortage
Poultry distributors are warning of a sharp shortage in chicken wings this Super Sunday. As a result, 75% of the nation's bar room barf moppers are being laid off.

Your Money at Work
Experts say the first $4 billion in government loans to GM hasn't been used for production, and it's all gone to employee pay and health benefits. As a result, there's a dangerous situation in Detroit as hundreds of thousands of men are roaming the streets with no work to do but plenty of cash and Viagra in their pockets.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Warners Cuts
Warner Brothers says it will cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. Sylvester the Cat is offering to do his part by eating Tweety Bird.

Warner Brothers says it needs to cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. One job has already been eliminated as animators have been instructed to finally allow Wyle E. Coyote to kill the Road Runner.

Obama Jobs Plan
President Obama is promising to create 3 million new jobs. He's more than halfway there now that we need about 2 million workers to clean up Washington after all the inaugural festivities.

Hamas Rally
Hamas is staging several "victory rallies" in Gaza today. Even though they suffered serious losses to the Israelis, Hamas members are celebrating because they were getting really tired of hanging out in the U.N. kindergarten classroom.

Saudi Prince Loses
Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal's Kingdom Holdings fund lost a stunning $8.26 billion in the last quarter. This means the prince's support for terrorism will be downgraded from million dollar donations to a Facebook shout out to Osama bin Laden.

Metro Record
Because of the Obama inauguration, Washington's Metrorail set new ridership records yesterday. The previous record was set in 1997, when millions of people flocked to D.C. to confirm the rumors that someone in Washington was actually working.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inaugural Crowds
2 million people are expected to stream into Washington, D.C. for Barack Obama's inauguration... most of them are actually there to apply for government jobs.

Because of the overflow crowds, no one will be allowed into Washington, D.C. without an inaugural ticket and their own port-a-potty.

The crowds are so heavy that NBC's Matt Lauer and ABC's Sam Champion were unable to do reports for their network morning shows. No Matt Lauer or Sam Champion?... hey, this new administration is already providing the American people with some relief!

The Red Cross is already treating hundreds of spectators for hypothermia and frostbite, rapper Kanye West says, "President Bush doesn't care about cold people."

The Red Cross is already treating hundreds of spectators for hypothermia and frostbite, and 15 network news anchors are being hospitalized for Obama brown nosing.

A special seat near the Obama family at the podium is being set aside for hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger... and a spot near the engines of President Bush's departure jet is being reserved for the goose that brought down the U.S. Airways flight last week.

President Obama's inaugural address is expected to last 18 minutes. That's 3 minutes to deliver the speech and 15 minutes to receive the fawning.

Outgoing Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back and will have to watch the inauguration from a wheel chair. The Cheneys have already sold his old seat to the inauguration on eBay for $400,000.

Incoming Health and Human Service Secretary Tom Daschle will not be at the inauguration today... with any luck, this will be the beginning of a trend.

Friday, January 16, 2009

U.S. Airways Crash
The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson River after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That's opposed to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to pay a $25 retrieval fee for each checked bag.

Witnesses say a flock of birds flew into the engines and brought the plane down. The incident is prodding the incoming Obama administration to turn the Guatanamo Bay prison into a restricted bird holding sanctuary.

Dozens of rescue vehicles and ferry boats rushed to the scene of the crash to help the victims. Palestinian demonstrators immediately began protesting the disproportionate response.

Citi Losses
Citigroup has posted another $8.3 billion loss and will split into two companies. The first will be called "Crap," and the other "Garbage."

Hamas Targets
Israel says its airstrikes will continue to target Hamas leaders... which is why every surviving Hamas terror chief is now living at the local U.N.-run kindergarten.

Video Sales Soar
Video game sales rose 9% in December... mostly because of all the laid-off Americans now staying home and playing video games.