Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Jacko's Kids
A judge has granted Michael Jackson's mother temporary guardianship of his kids. The children are reportedly coping with his death pretty well, but they can't understand why no one's molested them for the last five days.

Stonewall Remembered
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall protests in New York City, when patrons at a famous gay bar rioted against discrimination by police and the fact that the bar's curtains totally clashed with the shag carpet.

Madoff Sentence
Bernie Madoff has been sentenced to 150 years in prison, making him the only man in America who knows he'll still have health care coverage for more than the next 3 years.

Amish Hurting
The weak economy is even taking a toll on the Amish. Farm income is down, building material costs are up, and the horse union won't budge until it gets a $25 billion dollar federal bailout for the buggy industry.

Ming Out for Good?
Yao Ming's broken left foot could end his NBA career. On the bright side, even though Ming's foot was made in China, there's no evidence that Ming's foot was made of poisonous lead paint.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mays Dead
TV infomercial king Billy Mays has died at age 50... proving once again that you can only run over your hand with a car so many times before it kills you.

Mays' family is busy making funeral plans, they say he'll be buried as soon as they can dig him a grave with the Awesome Auger.

Mays is now in Heaven, but God and the angels have already asked him to keep his voice down.

Jacko Weight
Autopsy records show that Michael Jackson weighed just 112 pounds when he died; and without his plastic nose, 110 pounds.

Ticket Refunds
Nearly a million people had bought tickets for Michael Jackson's London shows, and now they will have to get their money refunded. Concert promoters are offering fans either their money back or a piece of Michael Jackson's original face.

Madoff Penalty
Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff will be sentenced by a federal judge today. He faces up 150 years in prison, billions of dollars in fines, and possibly being forced to run General Motors.

Iran Hates the BBC
The ruling Iranian Mullahs are singling out the BBC’s Persian-language channel as a major threat to their country... the Ayatollahs just hate it when the news anchors on that station are more anti-Israel than they are!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Jacko Not Coming Backo
Michael Jackson is dead at age 50. His remains will be donated to science fiction.

Michael Jackson was allowed into Heaven, but he was kicked out a few hours later after he tried to molest a Cherub.

Ahmadinejad Slam
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says President Obama is just like President Bush. The stolen election and the killings of peaceful protestors were one thing, but now Obama is REALLY mad.

Sanford Pays the State
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he will financially reimburse the state for the trip he took to Argentina to meet his mistress. Sanford is also in the process of reimbursing his wife, which means he won't be able to walk for the next few days.

Griffin #1
The Los Angeles Clippers have chosen Blake Griffin as the number one pick in the 2009 NBA draft. Griffin is guaranteed a big contract, a starting position, and since he's on the Clippers, he will never be heard from again.

Help for Iran
The Obama administration is finally moving forward with plans to fund groups that support Iranian dissidents, but only if they promise to drive to their protests in hybrid cars.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

More Oscar Nominees
The Academy Awards will expand the number of films nominated for "Best Picture" from 5 to 10. This puts big pressure on Hollywood to actually make 10 good movies this year.

Sanford and Stun
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has now admitted to leaving the state to have an affair after his office tried to tell the media that he was hiking the Applachian Trail. Alternate excuses used by his staffers during the affair included, "climbing the mountains," "exploring the caverns," and "hoeing the garden."

Sanford made news earlier this year when he refused to take federal stimulus money for his state. It turns out he was getting too stimulated as it was.

Pay not to Play
A statewide program in North Carolina is paying teenage girls $1 per day not to get pregnant... setting the bar pretty low for any teenage boy who wants to match or beat that offer.

Berlusconi Denial
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi insists he's never paid for sex. Of course not, he's a politician, he just borrows for sex.

Warning from Iran
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is warning President Obama to stop interfering with Iran's private affairs. Everytime Obama talks about how he supports freedom, the Mullahs laugh so hard that they forget to keep killing the protestors.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jobs Procedure Confirmed
A Memphis hospital has now confirmed that it indeed performed a liver transplant on Steve Jobs. Actually, that was confirmed two months ago when every doctor, nurse and orderly at the hospital showed up to work with a new iPhone.

Easier Forms
The Department of Education will unveil a much shorter and easier federal application for college financial aid. The old form required too much of American high school seniors, including financial documents, student records, and basic literacy.

Lunch with Warren
A Chinese businessman has bid $2.1 million in a charity auction for lunch with Warren Buffett. Meanwhile, the bidding is up to $5 million for Steve Jobs' liver.

Dreamliner Delay
Continental Airlines is furious now that Boeing has once again delayed delivery of its 787 Dreamliner aircraft. Continental executives are trying to get to Boeing headquarters to complain, but their flight has been delayed for the last 15 hours in Cleveland.

Ford Loan
The U.S. government has just lent $8 billion to Ford to help it make fuel-efficient cars that Americans will really want to buy. That's $1 billion for design and manufacturing, and $7 billion to buy and destroy every Toyota Prius currently for sale.

Citi Raises
Critics are outraged as bankers at Citigroup are getting up to 50% raises this year. But if they manage their own money like they do the bank's, they'll lose that extra money within six weeks.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

DC Crash
Investigators are trying to figure out what caused yesterday's deadly crash on the D.C. Metro. They can't decide whether the conductor was stoned, text-messaging, or both.

Medical Waste
Experts say eliminating fraud from the health-care system could save billions of dollars... which is why it would be nice if Ryan Seacrest would stop billing Medicare for his hysterectomy.

Jon and Kate Divorce
Jon and Kate Gosselin are getting divorced. Luckily, TLC already has had custody of their eight children for five years.

Jon and Kate Divorce II
Jon and Kate Gosselin are splitting up. Their TLC reality show will now be dominated by product placement segments featuring divorce lawyers, online dating services, and child psychologists.

Jobs at Work
Apple CEO Steve Jobs showed up for work yesterday at the main corporate campus in Cupertino, California. But he left after several employees refused to give him their pancreas.

L.A. Zoo Boondoggle
The city of Los Angeles has spent $7 million on a special zoo habitat for some rare monkeys. Unfortunately, most of California's wild primates are more comfortable staying in the statehouse in Sacramento.

Grad Rate Rises
New York City's public high school graduation rate has risen to 60.7% of all students. The other 39.7% is entering the NBA draft.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Smoking Bill
President Obama has just signed the landmark new "Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act." But the moment lost some of its sugnificance, when after signing the bill, Mr. Obama attempted to smoke the pen.

While millions of people are following the fate of Iranian protestors on Twitter, a new online networking site for people hoping to track the exploits of the Iranian riot police has also been set up, it's called "Hitter."

Sarkozy on Burqas
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has just said that France cannot accept the fact that Muslim women are forced to wear full-body burqas. And everyone else can't accept the fact that his hot new wife is forced to wear any clothes at all!

Jobs Transplant
We have now learned that Apple founder Steve Jobs had a liver transplant about two months ago. His new liver has 3 gigabytes of memory and can download up to 1,000 bile ducts.

We have now learned that Apple founder Steve Jobs had a liver transplant about two months ago. We've also just learned that about half the folks we thought were lining up for the new iPhone were actually the people Jobs pushed to the back of the transplant list.

The good news is that Steve Jobs was able to get the procedure done in Tennessee, where there is a much shorter waiting period for a transplant. The bad news is that all livers in Tennessee are made by Jack Daniels.

Reporter Free
A New York Times reporter held captive for months by the Taliban has finally escaped. After all that time with abusive Islamists, it's not clear how he'll adjust to the real anti-American extremists in the Times newsroom.

State Budgets
With more and more states in budget distress, governors are approving tax increases, layoffs, and asking all of Eliot Spitzer's ex-hookers to cut their rates by 5% across the board.

Madoff Widow
The wife of the French investment manager who killed himself because of his connection with Bernie Madoff is calling Madoff a "monster"... but that's just because she found out he was Jewish... and she's French.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Supreme Leader Speaks
Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is rejecting claims that last week's presidential elections were rigged. He's also asking millions of Western journalists to stop trying to "friend" him on Facebook.

Supreme Leader Speaks II
Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is rejecting claims that last week's presidential elections were rigged. He is, however, admitting that he is indeed Santa Claus.

iPhone Weekend
Apple expects to sell 500,000 of its new 3G S iPhone this weekend... mostly to people who say they can't afford to buy their own health insurance.

Continental Passengers
The passengers on the Continental Airlines flight where the pilot died mid-flight were never notified of his death during the trip. And most of the passengers have still not been notified where the Hell their luggage is either.

Healthcare Costs
The high cost of securing health insurance for all Americans has Democrats in Congress scrambling to scale back their proposals. For example, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is only going to charge the taxpayers for half of her next facelift.

NYC Heat Murder Index
A new study shows that the number of murders spikes in New York when it gets hotter. In other words, no one wants to see your damned tattoos and back fat.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


A Continental airlines pilot has died during a flight from Brussels to Newark. The pilot's family has been notified that they will be able to pick up his body at baggage carousel A-5.


The family of the Continental airlines pilot who died during a flight from Brussels to Newark has just been notified that his body was accidentally sent to Cleveland. For their trouble, the airline is offering them two free drink vouchers and an upgrade to business class.

Movin' Out
60-year-old Billy Joel and his 27-year-old wife Katie Lee are getting a divorce... apparently the shine came off the marriage when Joel stopped letting Katie stay up past her bedtime.

Hamas in Iran
Members of the terrorist group Hamas are now in Iran helping to beat and kill the pro-democracy protestors. Of course, it's not unusual for people to act out violently after having a few meetings with Jimmy Carter.

Legal Pot
Rhode Island has legalized the use of medical marijuana... also known as the "Taco Bell-Doritos Stimulus Plan."

Legal Pot II
Rhode Island has legalized the use of medical marijuana to fight complications related to glaucoma and other cancers. In a related story, Rhode Island is desperately looking for a drug to help combat a statewide outbreak of the giggles.

Legal Pot III
Rhode Island has just legalized the use of medical marijuana... finally, something from the government to help us forget about this economy!

Healthcare Reform
Two Senate committees are working on healthcare reform. But since this is the U.S. Senate, the committees are mostly trying to make sure there's enough funding for Viagra and Geritol.

B.A. for Free
British Airways is asking its employees to work for free... does that mean I no longer have to pay the stewardess $50 for a blowjob?

Edwards Unsure
Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards says he's not sure if he should have run for the White House knowing his act of infidelity could be exposed. But he is sure that the woman he cheated with was hotter than the chick who screwed John Ensign.

Edwards Unsure II
Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards says he's not sure if he should have run for the White House knowing his act of infidelity could be exposed. But he is sure he can win when he goes on "The Dating Game" against fellow bachelors John Ensign and Eliot Spitzer next week.