DC Crash
Investigators are trying to figure out what caused yesterday's deadly crash on the D.C. Metro. They can't decide whether the conductor was stoned, text-messaging, or both.



Medical Waste
Experts say eliminating fraud from the health-care system could save billions of dollars... which is why it would be nice if Ryan Seacrest would stop billing Medicare for his hysterectomy.



Jon and Kate Divorce
Jon and Kate Gosselin are getting divorced. Luckily, TLC already has had custody of their eight children for five years.


Jon and Kate Divorce II
Jon and Kate Gosselin are splitting up. Their TLC reality show will now be dominated by product placement segments featuring divorce lawyers, online dating services, and child psychologists.



Jobs at Work
Apple CEO Steve Jobs showed up for work yesterday at the main corporate campus in Cupertino, California. But he left after several employees refused to give him their pancreas.



L.A. Zoo Boondoggle
The city of Los Angeles has spent $7 million on a special zoo habitat for some rare monkeys. Unfortunately, most of California's wild primates are more comfortable staying in the statehouse in Sacramento.



Grad Rate Rises
New York City's public high school graduation rate has risen to 60.7% of all students. The other 39.7% is entering the NBA draft.