Lewis in the Hot Seat
Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis will be grilled by a House committee for three hours today. The Congressmen will only give Mr. Lewis short breaks for bathroom visits and to accept his monthly campaign donations.



Free School Lunch Peak
An all-time high of 20 million U.S. children are now getting free school lunches. The spike is sending the worldwide tater tot market into chaos.



Psych Drugs for Kids
The FDA has approved the use of three new antipsychotic drugs for children. Experts hope using these drugs will help prevent these kids from growing up to become members of the New York State Senate.



Terrorist Rights
The White House has ordered the FBI to start reading Miranda rights to suspected terrorists at U.S. military detention facilities in Afghanistan... delighting the Al Qaeda terrorists with the news that they have the right to a Jewish lawyer.



Mickelson Back
An emotional Phil Mickelson has returned to the PGA Tour, trying to keep some normalcy in a life that has been turned upside-down by the discovery that his wife has breast cancer... and the realization that Tiger Woods will always kick his ass.