Soldier Killed
A Muslim man shot and killed an American soldier in a drive-by shooting outside an Army recruiting center in Arkansas yesterday. But the story has been ignored by the news media because the killed soldier did not perform any abortions.



Kim's Successor
Kim Jong Il has named his son, Jong Un, as his successor. Un beat out dozens of other contenders, and narrowly beat out Susan Boyle in the final talent round.



GM Sells Hummer
GM has sold its Hummer brand. But it's holding off on saying just who they buyers are until they can fully prepare for the rash of inevitably violent environmental protests.



Elderly Grad
80-year-old Alice Smith of Wisconsin is graduating high school this week. Smith was actually one of the most popular students in the school, since she was always able to score the best prescription drugs.



Rent Free Deal
Massachusetts is offering its citizens the chance to live rent-free in several state-owned historic buildings. Usually if you want to live for free in a run-down building owned by Massachusetts, you have to run for governor.