Friday, May 29, 2009

Priest Switches Teams
Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known Catholic priest who admitted having an affair with a Florida woman, is joining the Episcopal Church... where they're just happy he's not gay.

Climate Killers
A new report by an environmental group claims that global warming is killing 300,000 people each year... comforting news for the 600,000 people who froze to death last winter.

Climate Killers II
A new report by an environmental group claims that global warming is killing 300,000 people each year... most of them were crazed environmentalists who scared themselves to death.

More Red Ink
Because of all the stimulus packages and bailouts, U.S. taxpayers are now on the hook for an extra $55,000 in federal debt per household. The government hopes to pay us back by making the average price of a new Chrysler $55,000.

Ethics Debate
The Illinois General Assembly is currently debating ethics rules. Half the legislators are against ethics and the other half are against rules.

Storm Season
Hurricane season is about to begin, setting several coastal communities on edge. Meanwhile, the hurricanes are worried about a possible government takeover.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Fishing Boat Rescue
The Mexican navy rescued five Ecuadorians who had been adrift without supplies in a fishing boat for more than two weeks. But the rescue went awry when most of the Mexican sailors asked the Ecuadorians for a job.

Serious Threats
The U.S. is warning that it will respond to North Korea's nuclear threat... just as soon as it deals with the threat to "Jon and Kate Plus 8."

Stoned Criminals
A new study shows that half of the men arrested in the U.S. test positive for illegal drugs. The other half were drunk.

AOL Spinoff
Time Warner is set to spin off AOL sometime this week. It's marketing slogan will be: "AOl: We're the New GM!"

Stimulus Whine
Michigan is complaining that it hasn't received much of the stimulus money... I guess that $50 billion we just spent for a worthless auto company doesn't count.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Obama on Vegas
President Obama reversed himself last night and now says it is a good idea for people to visit Las Vegas... in fact, that's where he's sending most of the Gitmo inmates.

Gitmo Recidivism
The Pentagon says 14% of released Gitmo inmates have returned to terrorism. The other 86% got jobs at AIG.

Supreme Court Choice
President Obama has chosen Judge Sonia Sotomayor as his choice for the Supreme Court. Sotomayor should help Obama win more support from women, Latinos, and people who want to see somebody slap Clarence Thomas.

The UAW's retirement health care program will take a 17.5% ownership stake in GM... raising hopes that the company will now take about 10 years to make an ambulance that gets 3 miles per gallon.

Gay Marriage Ban Upheld
California's highest court has upheld a voter-approved ban on same-sex marriages... crushing news for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

GM Deadline
Today is the deadline for GM's bondholders to swap out $27 billion worth of the company's debt. The debtholders will get a choice of trading their bonds for GM stock or an extra large jar of Vaseline.

North Korea Nukes
The world is responding to the North Korean nuclear test. South Korea is demanding that Kim Jong Il step down. The UN is demanding that North Korea disarm. And the Obama Administration is demanding that the North Koreans use more green nuclear technology.

No Smiling
DMVs in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia have instituted a "no smiles policy" on license pictures to prevent ID fraud. That's because only a con man would have a reason to smile while at the DMV.

NBA Upsets
Orlando leads Cleveland 2 games to 1 and Denver has tied the L.A. Lakers 2 games apiece in their respective playoff series. If the Lakers and the Cavaliers don't both make it to the finals, the NBA has informed the Obama Administration that it will need a bailout.

Gay Marriage Decision
The California Supreme Court will issue its crucial ruling on gay marriage later today... the justices are hoping to avoid any criticism from Perez Hilton.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Mom and Son Found
After a three day search, police have finally found a South Carolina woman and her 555-pound son. Cops got to them seconds before Uinversity of South Carolina Head Coach Steve Spurrier could sign the boy up for his offensive line.

Mom and Son Found II
After a three day search, police have finally found a South Carolina woman and her 555-pound son. Cops had a tough time finding them because there are actually thousands of women in South Carolina with 555-pound sons.

Obama Address
President Obama will give the graduation address at the U.S. Naval Academy today. He's hoping to encourage the graduates by reminding them that while he'll probably accuse them of committing war crimes, he won't have the guts to prosecute them for it.

Playboy for Sale
Hugh Hefner is looking to sell Playboy enterprises for $300 million. But all the potential buyers are offering much less because they say they only want to buy it for the articles.

GM and the UAW have reached an agreement that clarifies the future for the automaker: GM has agreed to shut off the lights and the UAW will lock the doors.

Biden in Beirut
Vice President Joe Biden has just arrived in Beirut. It's the one city in the world where people are used to things more dangerous than Biden's mouth.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bomb Plot Reporting
Most of the news reports about the bomb plot against two New York Synagogues have failed to mention that the suspects were Muslims. They blew their religious quota after reminding people 37,000 times that Bernie Madoff is Jewish.

Gitmo Speech
President Obama will make his case for closing the Guantanamo Bay prison today. It's not clear if he wants to uphold civil liberties or just get rid of the glut of New York synagogues.

Clinton Records Lost
The National Archives has lost a computer hard drive containing large volumes of Clinton administration records. And even worse, all the porn sites on that hard drive have since gone out of business.

Pelosi Address
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will give the graduation address at Johns Hopkins University today. Pelosi will tell the graduates to remember all they have learned, so they can deny ever learning it in the first place.

Cross Border School
It turns out that 70% of the students at an El Paso school are actually living in Mexico. When they show up to class without their homework, they just say the border guards ate it.

No Market Reaction
Despite today's uncovered terror plot against the New York synagogue, stock market futures are holding steady... mostly because all the members of that synagogue already lost all their money with Bernie Madoff.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

California Votes
74% of Californians have voted to freeze the pay of legislators when the state is running a deficit... clearly proving that 26% of the voters are legislators.

Fossil Discovery
Scientists are hailing the discovery of a 47-million-year-old fossil which could be a common ancestor of monkeys and humans. Like most older fossils, it was discovered in the U.S. Senate.

B of A Stock Sales
Bank of America has sold $13.5 billion worth of stock in the last few weeks, clearly proving that adult illiteracy is a growing problem worldwide.

Mortgage Monitor
The Obama administration is proposing one single government monitor for the mortgage industry. The way the U.S. banks are run, the only acceptable candidate is McGruff the crime dog.

Bush Cabinet
25% of President George W. Bush's Cabinet members have landed jobs with consulting or lobbying firms. The other 75% are plea bargaining with the Obama administration.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Tests show that Senator Ted Kennedy's cancer has gone into remission. Doctors say Kennedy got rid of the cancer by offering to give it a ride home.

Fuel Standards
President Obama will introduce new rules today stopping the U.S. auto companies from making gas guzzling cars. This is good timing, since the U.S. auto companies are about to stop making all cars.

T.O. in Buffalo
Terrell Owens reported to Buffalo Bills minicamp yesterday, giving the team a boost but severely draining the city's already financially strapped mental healthcare system.

Home Depot Earnings
Thanks to some structural changes, Home Depot's first-quarter earnings jumped 44%. The hardware giant finally realized that you make more money when your customers can actually find the stuff they want to buy.

Harvard Shooting
A man was shot on the Harvard campus last night. Police aren't sure whether the shooter or the victim were Harvard students, but they're hopeful.

Clean the Butts
The city of San Francisco wants to add a 33 cent cigarette tax to help offset the cost of cleaning up discarded butts. But smokers say they're already reducing the city's overall costs by doing other things... like dying.

Monday, May 18, 2009

L.A. Quake
A moderate earthquake rattled Los Angeles this morning. They would have had a bigger quake, but the state can't afford it.

Sri Lanka Wins
The Sri Lankan government says it has finally routed the Tamil Tigers rebel group. Sri Lanka now moves into a semi-final matchup with the Bangladesh Bengals.

Notre Dame Arrests
Dozens of demonstrators were arrested yesterday while protesting President Obama's graduation address at Notre Dame. All those arrested were punished by being fined, getting charged with trespassing, and by being given season tickets to Notre Dame football.

Police Budgets
Because of the economic downturn, several police departments are struggling to provide basic services. Arrests are down 12%, traffic tickets are off 15%, and shakedowns have declined by 35%.

GM Dealers
GM dealers who just learned they will be shut down are undergoing a grief period. Luckily, that grief period isn't being distracted by anything like people coming in to buy a GM car.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Tribunals to Resume
President Obama is planning to resume the military tribunals at Guantanamo Bay... only this time the people on trial will be AIG executives and Chrysler debt holders.

GM Dead Letters
About 1,000 GM dealers will get UPS letters this afternoon, informing them that they're going to be shut down. Of course GM dealers are used to getting bad news on Friday afternoons, that when they're usually informed of the latest involuntary GM car recall.

Insurers Bailed Out
The U.S. Treasury is giving $22 billion of bailout money to several life insurance companies. When asked why they didn't have some kind of emergency fund for the economic downturn, the insurance company executives said they didn't want to waste money on some crazy insurance policy.

Insurers Bailed Out II
The U.S. Treasury is giving $22 billion of bailout money to several life insurance companies. In return, those companies have promised never to send a salesmen to any Treasury official's home ever again.

Obama's Warning
President Obama has secretly warned Israel not to attack Iran's nuclear sites without informing him first. The president just wants to make sure the strike isn't scheduled for the same weekend of his planned fishing trip with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Dead Letters
Thousands of deceased Americans are receiving federal stimulus checks in the mail.... but enough about GM and Chrysler.