Thursday, December 31, 2009

January 2nd

1949: Luis Muñoz Marín becomes the first democratically elected Governor of Puerto Rico. Unfortunately, he had moved to Upper Manhattan three weeks earlier.

1955: Panamanian president Jose Antonio Remon is assassinated... he too was living in Upper Manhattan at the time.

1974: President Richard Nixon signs a bill lowering the maximum U.S. speed limit to 55 MPH in order to conserve gasoline, ease pollution, and help Ted Kennedy survive for the next 35 years.

December Numbers

Hits to this blog were up 37.2% year-over-year in December. Thanks everyone!

January 1st

1804: French rule ends in Haiti. Haiti goes on to prove that there really is a country that can be more screwed up AFTER the French leave.

1899: Spanish rule ends in Cuba. Cuba goes on to prove that there really is a country that can be more screwed up AFTER the Spanish leave.

1908: For the first time, a ball is dropped in New York City's Times Square to signify the start of the New Year at midnight. Of course, balls are dropped in Times Square for other reasons every night.

1994: The North American Free Trade Agreement comes into effect, guaranteeing employment forever for Lou Dobbs.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's Eve NYC
It's New Year's Eve, and that means millions of people will be jammed into a small area of New York City tonight. They will be cold. They won't be able to use the bathroom. It will be dangerous... but enough about La Guardia Airport.

Starting 2010
Hundreds of millions of people will tune in to ABC to watch the New Year's Eve special. Some will be watching to see the ball drop, but most just want to find out if Dick Clark lives to see another year.

Rush in Hospital
Rush Limbaugh has been taken to a Hawaii hospital with chest pains. If he dies, he's still expected to get better ratings than Air America for the next 15 years.

Cops and Tiger
The Florida Highway Patrol now says it did meet with Tiger Woods five days after his Thanksgiving Day crash outside his home. The five cops who met with Woods questioned him about the incident, checked his license, and then vigorously washed their hands for 2-3 hours.

Intel Breakdown
The National Security Agency intercepted discussions of a plot by leaders of Al Qaeda in Yemen, but reports show that spy agencies did not collate the intercepts with other information. They also did not staple the reports, nor use the proper color-coded filing system.

December 31st

406: The Vandals cross the Rhine, beginning an invasion of Gaul... which is amazing, since they were only armed with spray paint and silly string.

1904: The first New Year's Eve celebration is held in New York's Times Square, making the spot home to scumbags from all over the world forevermore.

1951: The Marshall Plan expires after distributing more than $13.3 billion in foreign aid to rebuild Europe. Today, $13.3 billion isn't even enough to tide GM over for a weekend.

1963: The Central African Federation officially collapses and splits into Zambia, Malawi, Rhodesia and Kool and the Gang.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

CIA Failure?
A new report says the CIA failed to share a report about alleged plane bomber Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab. That's because all the other security agencies were only interested in the pictures the CIA had of Tiger Woods' mistresses.

Health Stimulus
The bad news is the new health care reform bill makes it illegal not to buy health insurance. The good news is that thousands of new prison guard jobs will be created when millions of Americans get jailed for not buying health insurance.

Cellphone Hack?
A German hacker claims to have cracked the encryption that protects most cellphone calls, potentially paving the way for others to eavesdrop on conversations. This poses a serious threat to anyone who doesn't want to die of boredom listening to everyone's stupid cellphone calls.

Bag Tax
Consumers in Washington, D.C. will now have to pay a tax on paper and plastic shopping bags. The only bags not taxed in Washington are the ones used stuffed with bribes to members of Congress.

Corvette Recall
General Motors is recalling 22,000 Chevrolet Corvettes, because of potentially leaky roofs. Unfortunately, American taxpayers can't recall GM for its definitely leaky balance sheet.

December 30th

1066: A Muslim mob storms the royal palace in Granada, crucifies Jewish vizier Joseph ibn Naghrela and massacres most of the Jewish population of the city. Then the mob appeals to the UN to stop the "cycle of violence."

1919: Lincoln's Inn in London admits its first female bar student. But the experiment is deemed a failure as 90 years later, we have come to the conclusion that female lawyers are just as crappy people as male lawyers.

1936: The United Auto Workers union stages its first sit-down strike. No one in the UAW has bothered to get up since.

2006: Saddam Hussein is executed by hanging. He is spared having to see the 1,500 lousy anti-Iraq war movies that Hollywood has produced since.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Car Theft Down
FBI figures show that all crimes are sharply down in 2009, especially car theft. Experts say this is because of better policing, better car alarms, and the fact that stealing cars is nowhere near as much fun as playing Grand Theft Auto.

Volcker Getting Hitched
Former Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker has just become engaged at age 82. Shares of Viagra maker Pfizer are up 17% on the news.

Pontiac/Saturn Fire Sale
General Motors is desperate to sell as many Pontiacs and Saturns in the coming weeks as it discontinues those brands. GM plans to do that by cutting prices, offering rebates, and getting the government to use extra Pontiacs and Saturns to house transfered Gitmo detainees.

Obama on Terror
President Obama is working to reassure Americans after the attempted airplane bombing on Christmas Day. He's reminding everyone that terrorists will never get to us before our creditors anyway.

Failed Flight
A homeless Maryland man tried to leave town in a stolen plane but crashed the single-engine aircraft before ever leaving the ground. The only way he'll get on a plane now is if he goes to Yemen and learns how to sew a bomb into his underwear.

December 29th

1170: Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, is assassinated inside Canterbury Cathedral by followers of King Henry II; he subsequently becomes a saint, martyr, and one of the best selling images on the "Saints on Plates" series from the Franklin Mint.

1813: British soldiers burn Buffalo, New York during the War of 1812. Not surprisingly, the city looked better after the burning.

1851: The first American YMCA opens in Boston, Massachusetts. 17 local gay bars go out of business from the competition.

1989: Václav Havel is elected president of Czechoslovakia when he becomes the only man in the world who is able to spell "Czechoslovakia" on the first try.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Plane Bomber Latest
Critics are still blasting the TSA for allowing an alleged Nigerian terrorist to board a plane headed to Detroit on Christmas day. Experts say screeners missed several suspicious behaviors, especially the fact that someone was willingly going to Detroit.

Tiger's Book on Tape
A new audio version of Tiger Woods' "How I Play Golf" book is due out this spring. The CD and MP3 versions will contain bonus tracks with Tiger's greatest booty call voice mail messages to his mistresses.

Ford Buyout Offers
Ford is now offering buyouts to tens of thousands of its UAW employees. In other words, Ford will be paying them not to work... as opposed to what it does now, which is paying them to pretend to work.

Confusing Meyer Status
After initially saying he would resign because of health reasons, Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer now says he is just taking a short leave of absence. Meyer is reportedly getting a doctor's note from the same physician who makes sure all his best players get excused from class.

East Jerusalem Construction
Israel has announced plans to build 700 new apartments in East Jerusalem, outraging thousands of Palestinians who say they may not have the manpower to blow them up.

December 28th

1944: Maurice Richard becomes the first player to score 8 points in one NHL game and still have more than 3 teeth at the final buzzer.

1973: Congress passes the Endangered Species Act. Unfortunately, if fails to preserve the most endangered species of all... honest Congressmen.

1981: The first American test-tube baby, Elizabeth Jordan Carr, is born... allowing dateless women over 45 everywhere the chance to delude themselves for another 10 years.

December 27th

1703: Portugal and England sign the Methuen Treaty which gives preference to Portuguese imported wines into England. As soon as the English stop only drinking warm beer, this treaty might mean something.

1845: Ether anesthetic is used for childbirth for the first time by Dr. Crawford Williamson Long in Jefferson, Georgia. Long later admits he did it just to start getting some from his wife again.

2001: The People's Republic of China is granted permanent normal trade relations with the United States. And by "permanent," we mean they forever get all the manufacturing jobs we used to have.

December 26th

1776: In the American Revolutionary War, The British are defeated in the Battle of Trenton, and are thus forced to direct traffic at all the post-Christmas sales at the local mall.

1825: Several Imperial Russian army officers lead a coup attempt on Moscow... but fail when their troops learn most of the fighting would actually take place outdoors.

1982: Time Magazine's Man of the Year is for the first time a non-human, the personal computer. The second non-human to win the award is Ben Bernanke in 2009.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

December 25th

1223: St. Francis of Assisi assembles the first Nativity scene... and he is immediately sued by the forefathers of the ACLU.

1776: George Washington and his army cross the Delaware River to Hessian mercenaries in Trenton, New Jersey. It's the last time anyone crossed anything in New Jersey without paying a toll.

1868: President Andrew Johnson grants unconditional pardon to all Civil War Confederate soldiers... except for the ones who refuse to stop playing "Dixie" every damned day.

December 24th

1294: Pope Boniface VIII is elected Pope, replacing St. Celestine V, who had resigned due to a conflict of interest with his Christmas ornament business.

1906: Reginald Fessenden transmits the first radio broadcast; consisting of a poetry reading, a violin solo, and 75 Geico commercials.

1973: District of Columbia Home Rule Act is passed, allowing residents of Washington, D.C. to elect their own local government.... because there weren't enough government workers in D.C. already.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

BlackBerry Outage
BlackBerry users lost service for more than eight hours after an outage that lasted until early today. The holidays are the worst time for this to happen, as millions of Americans are now forced to actually talk to the family members they're visiting.

Jacko Files
A new report shows that the FBI kept files on Michael Jackson for years. But it's not clear if this was part of the crime-fighting division or the FBI's ongoing investigation of extra-terrestials.

Home Sales Spike
New data shows that home sales are on the rise. But now when you buy a house, you're still responsible for the family of squatters still living inside.

Census Plan
A nationwide drive urging Latinos to participate in the census is focusing on evangelical churches. Meanwhile, the nationwide drive urging more unmarried skanks to participate in the census is focusing on Tiger Woods' cellphone.

Lawfirm Suit
A lesbian lawyer in New York has sued her former firm for $50 million, saying she suffered "repulsive harassment and discrimination" because she wore men's shirts and "does not fit into typical feminine stereotypes." This is mostly because the firm's partners do not fit into typical human stereotypes.

December 23rd

1783: George Washington resigns as commander-in-chief of the Continental Army at the Maryland State House in Annapolis, Maryland. Contrary to the popular belief among current high school students, this was not because he was caught dating a slave by the local tabloid newspaper.

1972: The 16 survivors of the Andes flight disaster are rescued after 73 days, having survived by cannibalism... because there really is nothing worse than airline food.

1990: In a referendum, 88% of Slovenia's population vote for independence from Yugoslavia. The other 12% vote for toilet paper.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Citi Hacked?
The FBI is investigating a possible cyber attack on Citigroup. This is a serious issue, because next time the hackers might target a bank that actually has money.

Custody Case
A Brazilian court is set to decide whether to send a nine-year-old boy back to his biological father in New Jersey. The justices could force the boy to live in a strange, corrupt, and polluted country... or they could allow him to stay in Brazil.

Pregnancy Ban
The general in charge of U.S. troops in Northern Iraq is making getting pregnant or impregnating a fellow soldier an offense subject to court martial. Of course, this isn't the first time the army has ordered soldiers to pull out.

Special Find
Archaeologists says they have just unearthed remains of the first home in Nazareth that dates to Jesus' era. Five minutes after the discovery of the house, three Jehovah's witnesses knocked at the door.

Giuliani Won't Run
Rudy Giuliani has ruled out a run for the Senate in New York. Rudy wants to spend more time asking out Tiger Woods' ex-mistresses.

December 22nd

1807: The Embargo Act, forbidding trade with all foreign countries, is passed by the U.S. Congress, at the urging of President Thomas Jefferson. This is the last time anyone considered buying anything from GM.

1937: The Lincoln Tunnel opens to traffic in New York City. The first cars that entered the tunnel 72 years ago should be coming through the other end any time now.

1964: Comedian Lenny Bruce is convicted of obscenity. Had he done the same act today, he would have been given a guest host spot on Sesame Street.

1965: In the United Kingdom, a 70 mph speed limit is applied to all rural roads for the first time. This rule is bound to become relevent as soon as they make a British car that can go over 30 mph.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Health Reform Deals
In return for their votes for health reform, several Democrat Senators are getting taxpayer funding for their states. Ben Nelson is getting free Medicaid for Nebraska, Mary Landrieu is getting construction projects for Louisiana, and everyone else is getting Tiger Woods' little black book.

Tanning Tax
The latest version of the Democrats' health reform bill calls for major taxes on indoor tanning customers. Congress is also planning on taxing people who pay for outdoor tanning until they figure out it's free.

Shopping Freeze
The heavy snow in the Northeast this weekend hurt holiday sales at the malls during the final days before Christmas. But for shoppers who like to beat each other up in stores, they were still plenty of altercations over snowblowers and spreading salt in hardware stores everywhere.

Macy's Evacuation
Macy's New York flagship store was evacuated yesterday after a small fire started under an escalator. Firefighters were hindered in their efforts as they were mercessily sprayed with perfume and cologne by dozens of Macy's salespeople as they rushed into the store.

No Climate Deal
After two weeks of talk and lots of hype, the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen failed to produce a binding agreement... which is ironic, because most of the UN delegates at the conference are into bondage.

December 21st

1937: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated film ever, premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater. The porn version playing next door draws a bigger audience.

1969: The Gay Activists Alliance, also known as the Mets, is formed in New York City.

1995: The city of Bethlehem passes from Israeli to Palestinian control. Mysteriously, all the Christians there start to disappear.

December 20th

69: Vespasian, formerly a general under Nero, enters Rome to claim the title of emperor. He gets the title because the other guy forgot his claim ticket.

1860: South Carolina becomes the first state to secede from the United States. No word yet on when it plans to rejoin.

2007: The painting "Portrait of Suzanne Bloch," by Pablo Picasso, is stolen from the São Paulo Museum of Art along with the souvenier jumbo pencil from the gift shop that was almost as valuable.

December 19th

1967: Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt is officially presumed dead, leaving the Bee Gees officially in charge.

1972: The last manned lunar flight, Apollo 17, returns to Earth... and all we got was a lousy NASA t-shirt.

1995: The U.S. government restores federal recognition to the Nottawaseppi Huron Indian tribe. In return, we got three comped meals and $50 in chips at Mohegan Sun Casino.