Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Cheney Attack Reaction
Democrats in Congress are condemning the Taliban's attempt Monday to assassinate Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan. It's not that they didn't like the idea; they just wanted to be notified in advance so they could look concerned.

Stocks Come Back a Bit
After the 416-point selloff on the Dow, stocks rebounded a bit Wednesday. Experts say investors are still recovering from the shock of Anna Nicole Smith's death.

Charles on McDonald's
Prince Charles is suggesting that McDonald's be banned in order to improve eating habits worldwide. It's not clear if the Prince is really in favor of better nutrition, or whether this is a result of his longstanding political differences with Mayor McCheese.

Israeli Rape Case
Bedouin suspects in a serial rape case in Israel say they committed the crimes as revenge for actions by the Israeli army... although it's not clear how raping camels hurts the Israeli army.

Drug Dealing Principal
A middle school principal in Pennsylvania has been charged with dealing crystal meth. In his defense, the principal says he only sold drugs to the kids who had a hall pass.

Airbus Layoffs
Jet maker Airbus says it will cut 10,000 jobs over the next four years. The laid-off workers are expected to find new jobs handling the angry crowds at the JetBlue terminal at JFK airport.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Stocks Fall
The Dow Jones lost more than 400 points in trading Tuesday. It got so bad, Maria Bartiromo had to fly JetBlue.

Stocks Fall II
After stocks fell more than 400 points on Tuesday, the corporate world is snapping into action to lessen the damage... mostly by increasing the average CEO pay to $400 million per year.

Top 5 Reasons for the Dow Selloff

5) Traders still groggy from watching 4-hour Oscar show

4) All the major Wall Street brothels raised their fees

3) Major investors need to cash in stocks and start donating to all the presidential campaigns

2) Warren Buffett lost his wallet

1) Somebody finally realized that we don't actually make anything in this country anymore

Chinese Stock Slide
Stocks in China suffered a severe 9% drop earlier in the day... mostly based on rumors that Wal-Mart was planning on stocking an item that was actually made in America.

Shuttle Damage
A hailstorm damaged the space shuttle Atlantis' external fuel tank this week, and now NASA may have to postpone next month's launch. Repairing the damage actually won't take more than a few hours, the real delay will be waiting to hear from the insurance company.

Tobacco Tax Hikes
More than a dozen states are considering higher tobacco taxes this year to help pay the cost of health coverage for uninsured citizens. And some states are just forcing smokers to drive patients to and from all their doctor's appointments.

Hollywood Madam's Black Book
Police have finally unsealed the client list for so-called "Hollywood Super-Madam" Jody Gibson. The list of client services was actually found in three black books, titled "A-M, "N-Z," and "Charlie Sheen."

Self-Centered Collegians
A new report says today's college students suffer from too much self-esteem and are extremely narcissistic. That's bad news for parents, but good news for those guys selling personalized bongs.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Libby Juror Booted
A juror was dismissed from the Scooter Libby trial Monday after the court learned she had been exposed to information about the case over the weekend. In a very unfortunate coincidence, it turns out the juror just happened to tune into MSNBC during the 2 minutes that it wasn't covering the Anna Nicole Smith case.

"The Lost Tomb of Christ"
The Discovery Channel is set to air a documentary by "Titanic" director James Cameron that purportedly shows archaeological proof that Jesus had a son and also shows evidence that he never was resurrected. Cameron is following up this special with a film about how Moses was a pig farmer and another movie about Muhammad being gay.

Sharpton-Thurmond Link
Newly uncovered genealogical evidence shows that the Rev. Al Sharpton descended from slaves owned by the late Senator Strom Thurmond's ancestors. Historians were able to make this determination after finding pictures of a slave on the Thurmond plantation who was wearing a track suit and a pompadour.

Scorsese Finally Wins
After seven snubs, Martin Scorsese finally won the best picture and best director Oscars for "The Departed," making it clear that the Academy didn't like all of his previous movies because they were not bloody enough.

Scorsese Finally Wins II
After seven snubs, Martin Scorsese finally won the best picture and best director Oscars for "The Departed"... actually, most Americans still think he was snubbed since we all fell asleep about two hours before they finally gave out those awards.

Smarter Mice
A new study shows that lab mice got smarter after being fed a drug that strengthened brain circuits involved in learning and memory. The study had to be discontinued however, after the mice started to demand $7.15-an-hour and cigarette breaks.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oscar Night
It's Oscar night in Hollywood. I haven't seen this many exposed boobs since they inaugurated the new Congress.

Oscar Competition
Tonight we'll find out who truly is Hollywood's favorite. It's a tight race between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Best Actress
Penolope Cruz might have a chance to beat Helen Mirren for Best Actress tonight. Of course, she already deserves the award for pretending to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend for three years.

Duke Returns
The Duke men's lacrosse team made a triumphant return to the field Saturday with a win over visiting Dartmouth. But most lacrosse fans missed the game because it was only televised on Court TV.

Baghdad College Bombing
A suicide bomber killed at least 40 people and wounded 55 others when he detonated his explosive vest outside a college near Baghdad's Sadr city. For those of you who don't know, Sadr City U. is where they send the kids who can't get into Fresno State.

Top 5 Things Overheard at Sadr City University

5) "Saturday's Sunni-Shia mixer was a big success... only 5 murders!"

4) "You better be smuggling explosives in that keg, or you're on probation mister."

3) "Burka Raid!"

2) "I heard the Valedictorian gets a free bulletproof vest!"

1) "A mind is a terrible thing not to blow up"

Ahmadinejad on Nukes
While speaking about Iran's nuclear program Sunday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that "it is like a train ... with no brake and no reverse gear"... actually, he could have been talking about his mouth.

Jaguar Mauling
Police and zoo officials are investigating what led a 140-pound jaguar to maul a zookeeper to death in the doorway of its cage Saturday. Right now, they're working on the wild theory that maybe, just maybe... the animal didn't like being locked up a cage.

Poverty Study
A new study shows that the number of extremely impoverished Americans is at a three-decade high. It's getting so bad, now we're allowing illegal immigrants in from Mexico just so we can take their food.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Clinton on Geffen
Hillary Clinton's campaign staff says Barack Obama should cut ties with Dreamworks co-founder David Geffen, after he said that Senator Clinton was "ambitious" and "polarizing." The Clinton campaign just doesn't think any Democrat should be affiliated with people who tell the truth.

KFed's Concern
In the wake of Britney Spears' recent erratic behavior, Kevin Federline says he's very concerned about the welfare of his children... but not as concerned as he is about the welfare of all the porn tapes he left at Britney's house.

Iran Nukes
New reports show that Iran is expanding its nuclear program. Insiders say the Iranians are not trying to build weapons that kill not just Jews, but Christians too.

Don't Mess with Granny
A tour group of U.S. senior citizens fought off a band of muggers in eastern Costa Rica Thursday, sending two of the assailants fleeing and killing a third. This is what happens these days when you try to take prescription drugs away from the elderly.

Porn Vigilante
A Milwaukee man he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a porn movie his neighbor was watching. Police say the man immediately apologized, and then asked to borrow the movie for the weekend.

Bless This Fish
Kentucky Fried Chicken is asking the Catholic Church to give its blessing to a new fish sandwich the chain is now offering. But the Vatican is declining the request, as its recent sex scandals have made it unwise to associate with anything known for being "Finger-Licking Good."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

British Retreat
Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced plans to remove 1,500 British soldiers from Iraq by the end of the year. Blair is reducing the total troops levels to make it a little easier for tabloid photographers to find Prince Harry.

Top 5 Reasons for the Blair's Retreat from Iraq

5) Local police need more firepower to subdue soccer hooligans

4) Re-deploying troops to the Bahamas to protect Anna Nicole Smith's home

3) Need more troops to protect domestic food supply from Fergie

2) While the army's abroad, there are actually more Muslims in London than Christians

1) Needs at least 1,500 troops to protect him once he leaves office

Gates on Computer Time
Bill Gates said this week that he limits the amount of time his 10 year-old daughter can spend on the computer to 45 minutes a day for games. But he does allow her 5-6 hours a day to wait for the bugs to work out of Microsoft Vista.

"Happy" Victim
A Wisconsin man he fell 16 stories and survived says he is "thankful" he can't remember any of the details of his fall... not as happy as his insurance company is.

Gallaudet Threat
Education officials are warning that Gallaudet University, the only U.S. university for the deaf, may lose its accreditation because of a lack of tolerance on campus for varying views... which is only allowed at Ivy League universities.

Bill for Hill
It was speculated that if Hillary Clinton were elected President, her husband Bill would be appointed to serve out her expired Senate term. Oh great, then we'll have TWO sets of interns we'll need to look out for.

AIDS Cure?
Gambia's President Yahya Jammeh is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. It sounds crazy, but Pfizer is having him killed just in case.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Britney in Rehab
Britney Spears has checked into a rehab clinic. But she will be disappointed when she finds out there is no therapy for having a bad haircut.

Tobacco Settlement Tossed
The Supreme Court has thrown out an $80 million civil ruling against tobacco giant Philip Morris. Now the only way to get rich quick is to claim you're the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Satellite Merger
XM and Sirius have announced plans for a $13 billion merger. The two companies decided to join forces mostly because they believe Howard Stern just doesn't have enough money.

McCain On Rummy
Republican presidential candidate John McCain now says that Donald Rumsfeld was "one of the worst secretaries of defense in history." McCain is pledging to continue to courageoulsy bash Rumsfeld and others, as long as they have already left the Bush administration.

James Brown Body
Almost two months after his death, James Brown's body still has not been buried... and he also still dances better than any white man.

A-Rod Explains it All
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he is no longer best friends with Derek Jeter, saying, "You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week and now you don't sleep over." Unfortunately for Rodriguez, his wife is actually sleeping over Derek Jeter's house 7 nights a week.

Robot Car
Stanford University engineers plan to have an unmanned robot car ready for use in urban traffic in less than a year. It's actually ready to go now, the scientists just have to teach the robot how to use its middle finger.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Remote Inventor Dies
Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. His family will bury him as soon as they can remember which sofa cushion they left his body under.

Culture War Poll
A new poll shows that 56% of people do not believe that a "clash of civilizations" will lead to violent conflict between Islam and the West... leaving al Qaeda and Hezbollah leaders wondering what they have to do get noticed around here!

Bush Procedure
President Bush last Friday had two moles removed from his left temple, but it turns out they were not cancerous. The doctors who performed the procedure say they were misled by what turned out to be bogus CIA evidence.

Asteroid Approaches
A group of astronomers say an asteroid may come extremely close to Earth on April 13th, and that the U.N. should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it. So, I guess those astronomers WANT us all to die.

Dead Dolphins
According to federal records, eleven of 16 dolphins housed at The Mirage's Dolphin Habitat in Las Vegas have died since 1990. Vegas police are looking into reports that some of the deaths may be related to the dolphins' huge gambling debts.

Sly Stopped
Sylvester Stallone was detained for hours on arrival at the Sydney Airport last week after officials found prohibited imports in his luggage. It's good to know there's one country in the world civilized enough to ban all copies of Rocky V.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Prince Harry to Iraq
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to be deployed to Iraq any day now with his military unit. He's expected to be an extremely effective soldier, since he's been told the insurgents are actually tabloid photographers.

Prince Harry to Iraq II
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to be deployed to Iraq any day now with his military unit. Hopefully, he'll leave his Nazi uniform at home.

Britney Goes Bald
Britney Spears has shocked her fans once again by shaving her head. But judging by some of those scandalous tabloid pictures I saw of her recently, that's not really the part of her body that needed the shaving.

Top 5 Reasons Britney Shaved Her Head

5) Now she won't have to hold her hair back when she barfs every night

4) Had to get rid of all those fleas she got from Kevin Federline

3) It was the best way to stop getting her gum stuck in her hair every day

2) Now that her kids don't recognize her, she doesn't even have to pretend to take care of them anymore!

1) All that hair distracted her brain from thinking

Reid on Iraq
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid now says the war in Iraq is an even bigger mistake than Vietnam. But we won't really know how big a mistake the Iraq war is until Oliver Stone makes some movies about it.

Presidents Day
Monday is Presidents Day. To make sure that all Americans learn the true meaning of the holiday, President Bush is bombing the shopping malls.

Presidents Day II
Monday is Presidents Day. Democrats in Congress are marking Washington and Lincoln's birthdays by proposing a non-binding resolution against lying.