Remote Inventor Dies
Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. His family will bury him as soon as they can remember which sofa cushion they left his body under.


Culture War Poll
A new poll shows that 56% of people do not believe that a "clash of civilizations" will lead to violent conflict between Islam and the West... leaving al Qaeda and Hezbollah leaders wondering what they have to do get noticed around here!


Bush Procedure
President Bush last Friday had two moles removed from his left temple, but it turns out they were not cancerous. The doctors who performed the procedure say they were misled by what turned out to be bogus CIA evidence.


Asteroid Approaches
A group of astronomers say an asteroid may come extremely close to Earth on April 13th, and that the U.N. should assume responsibility for a space mission to deflect it. So, I guess those astronomers WANT us all to die.


Dead Dolphins
According to federal records, eleven of 16 dolphins housed at The Mirage's Dolphin Habitat in Las Vegas have died since 1990. Vegas police are looking into reports that some of the deaths may be related to the dolphins' huge gambling debts.


Sly Stopped
Sylvester Stallone was detained for hours on arrival at the Sydney Airport last week after officials found prohibited imports in his luggage. It's good to know there's one country in the world civilized enough to ban all copies of Rocky V.