ANNA NICOLE SMITH 1967-2007


Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida... doctors are blaming a lethal combination of Twinkies and Old Milwaukee.

Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday in Florida. A 38DD bra will be flown at half-staff above the U.S. Capitol for the next 30 days.

A state funeral has been ordered for Anna Nicole Smith... mostly because the Capitol Dome is the only building in America that can accommodate her breasts in a vertical position.

Anna Nicole Smith's death has plunged the nation in deep mourning and guilt over the fact that most of us have been wasting our time obsessing about silly things like the war in Iraq.

Police have no official suspects in Anna Nicole Smith's death, but there are reports that astronaut Lisa Nowak was seen running from her hotel room with a loaded diaper.



Gay NBA Star
Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. Apparently sweating and showering with eleven other guys every night is the best way to keep your sexuality a secret.



New Harvard Curriculum
Harvard University has announced a major curriculum overhaul aimed at overcoming American "parochialism." Of course the best way to combat parochialism is to go to a university that only accepts people with perfect SAT's and who can afford $40,000-a-year for tuition.



Iranian Threat
Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei said Thursday that if the U.S. were to attack Iran, the country would respond by striking American interests all over the world. But now that Anna Nicole is dead, there's nothing that important left to attack.



Women and Sweat
New research has found that women who sniffed a chemical found in male sweat experienced higher sexual arousal, faster heart rates, and other effects... I may never shower again.



Spacewalk
Two astronauts on the International Space Station made a spacewalk Thursday to remove two thermal covers from the structure. Actually, only one astronaut was supposed to go, but the other astronaut was stalking him.


Cleanliness 101
Some Malaysian colleges may soon offer courses on how to keep public restrooms clean. Based on the condition of most public bathrooms, I think this should be at least a graduate course




Top 10 Real Palestinian Objections to Archaeological Restoration in Jerusalem

10) All that digging is bound to unearth all their hidden weapons

9) If the Israelis restore things, how can we complain that it's broken?

8) None of those newly-discovered ancient texts ever say anything good about suicide bombing

7) Like distorting history isn't hard enough already

6) Protest first, explain later

5) Artifacts like ancient pots and pans make Palestinians long for the "luxury" items their leaders can't provide... like pots and pans

4) They oppose any Israeli activities beyond the internationally-accepted borders of 6,700 BCE

3) Shovels are much better used for honor killings

2) Foreign archaeologists aren't as fun to behead as foreign journalists

1) History isn't for discovering; it's for destroying!