Ancient Lovers
Archaeologists in Italy have uncovered two skeletons embracing each other that they believe are the remains of young lovers from 5,000 years ago. Alongside the woman, crews found arrowheads, a knife, and the adult-sized diapers the female wore while hunting down the other woman the man was dating.





Pedestrian Rules
New York City is considering banning pedestrians from using their cellphones or iPods while crossing the street. I know that sounds like a good idea... but if you take away all the pedestrians' gizmos, what fun will it be to hit them with your car?




Child Porn Ring
Police throughout the world said Wednesday that they had uncovered the largest international child pornography ring of all time... otherwise known as the "Catholic Church."




Army Indictments
A grand jury has indicted three Army Reserve officers and two civilians on charges they stole more than $8.6 million in Iraqi reconstruction funds. If they had stolen $8.6 billion dollars, they would have been offered executive positions at Halliburton.



Haggard Straightened Out
The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after having an affair with a male prostitute, has been declared "completely heterosexual" by a group of church elders after attending a counseling program... he just needs to steer clear of Lance Bass, Tom Cruise, and Mark Foley during the remainder of his 90-day probation period.




North Dakota Marijuana Farming
North Dakota has issued the nation's first licenses to grow industrial hemp to two farmers. Hey, it's -19 degrees in North Dakota right now, how the Hell else are you going to get anyone to want to live there?



Naked Sundays
While appearing on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Christina Aguilera revealed that she and her husband have "naked Sundays," where they do everything naked, including cooking. I guess that's okay, as long as they wear full-body hairnets.



New Uniform
The U.S. Army is phasing in a new combat uniform that is wrinkle-free... because if there's one thing our troops hate to do in the middle of battle, it's ironing.



British Letter Bombs
For the third straight day, a letter bomb has exploded at a British Vehicle Licensing Agency office. Police are having a hard time finding any leads, because the bombs were mailed via internal agency mail... and that means they were probably originally sent about 13 years ago.