Nowak Still an Astronaut
Despite the fact that she's been charged with attempted murder, NASA says Lisa Nowak is still an "active astronaut"... mostly because anyone able to drive for 12 straight hours in a urine-soaked diaper definitely has the right stuff.


The Bright Side
Lisa Nowak's arrest on charges she tried to kill her would-be lover's girlfriend is a dark moment in our nation's history. On the bright side, Depends Undergarments has now discovered the wholly untapped market of deluded, jealous lovers to go along with their usual crop of incontinent senior citizens.


To 5 Signs Your Astronaut Wife is Cheating on You

5) She claims all those late-night phone calls are from "mission control!"

4) Her hair is always messed up... even on days when she isn't experiencing zero gravity

3) There are 230 million unexplained miles on her car odometer

2) During sex, she constantly complains about "forced re-entry"

1) She's poisoning your Tang



Easy-Bake Recall
Toymaker Hasbro has recalled 985,000 Easy-Bake toy ovens after finding that kids' hands and fingers can get caught in the oven's opening, thereby posing serious risk of burns. That's all well and good, but how the Hell are all the single men in America going to make dinner now?



Bush Budget
President Bush has introduced a $2.9 trillion budget that he says will wipe out the deficit in five years... but to do that, we'll need to borrow $2.9 trillion.



KKK Comeback
A new report shows that the Ku Klux Klan is enjoying a resurgence because of growing concerns about illegal immigration. Also, the Klan is saving big bucks by outsourcing most of its cross burning work to Mexico.



Newsom Quits Drinking
Less than a week after admitting to an affair with his campaign manager's wife, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that he had stopped drinking and would seek counseling for alcohol abuse. But quitting drinking will only stop him from screwing ugly women.