Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Stonehenge Find
Archaeologists have just uncovered some kind of an ancient human settlement near Stonehenge in England. Some experts believe this may have been a village for workers or festival-goers near the site, but it was most probably the first-ever tourist trap gift shop.

White House vs. the Media
The White House is continuing to blast the news media for reporting bad news from Iraq and "talking the American people into defeat." Members of the news media will respond to those accusations just as soon as they finish the round-the-clock reporting on Tyra Banks' weight.

Bonds Contract
Barry Bonds has signed a one-year contract extension with the San Francisco Giants for $15.8 million. That should be just enough to cover his co-pays for a season's worth of steroid prescriptions.

Iran in Iraq
Iran has outlined a plan to open an Iranian national bank branch in Baghdad. The bank will feature ATM's that dispense explosives 24 hours a day.

Charles in Harlem
Prince Charles was in New York City this past weekend and spent time in Harlem where the he played basketball. Afterwards, the Prince promised to keep in touch with all his "jolly good new homies."

When the Levee Breaks...
The Army Corps of Engineers has just identified 146 levees nationwide that it says pose an unacceptable risk of failing in a major flood. Vice President Cheney is calling the report "hogwash," and "a major blow to morale in our war against hurricanes."

U.N. Nuclear Plan
The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency has called for a "time-out" under which Iran's nuclear program and U.N. sanctions both would be suspended. His other plan is to send everyone to bed without dinner.

T.R. Leaving?
Grey's Anatomy star TR Knight, who was called a "faggot" by co-star Isaiah Washington, is "so upset about the situation and so disgusted by how it was all handled," that he is planning to leave the show. And that would be the best way to prove that gay men aren't overly emotional.

Bush vs. Crime
The Bush administration is proposing a $200 million program to respond to surging rape and murder rates in cities across the nation. The Bush plan basically offers major tax breaks to criminals who stop raping and murdering for a year or more.

Endangered Species
Federal wildlife officials say the gray wolf, which was hunted to near-extinction in the 20th century, can now be taken off the endangered species list. It's spot will now be taken by the shrinking species known as the "real journalist."

Michael bin Jackson?
Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam... because everyone knows that's the best way to restore your shattered reputation in America today.

Elderly Winner
An 84 year-old St. Louis man has won 254 million dollars in the Powerball lottery. With that kind of money, he should be able to get his own bathroom in the nursing home.

Reality Show Canceled
The CBS reality series "Armed and Famous" that followed celebrities who were serving as reserve police officers in Muncie, Indiana, has been canceled after 4 episodes. That was because most of the crimes in Muncie were being committed by the cast of "Armed and Famous."

Crazy Shrink
An Australian psychologist charged with assaulting a patient told a court on Tuesday that forcing his female patient to wear a dog collar and call him "master" was within a psychologist's ethical guidelines. Actually, it was slightly less degrading than having to pay his monthly bill.


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