NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Lebanese Riots
Pro-Hezbollah groups have started riots in and around Beirut University in Lebanon. To see that kind of rioting at an American university, the school has to win the Rose Bowl.





Top 10 Pro-Hezbollah Student Demands

10) Make "Jew-Hating 101" a 4-credit course

9) Separate Sunni-Shia seating at the Beirut University football stadium

8) Invite that burka-wearing sorority to the homecoming mixer next year

7) Make tuition payable in bullets

6) Allow male students to kill all non-burka wearing sororities at the homecoming mixer next year

5) No homework on nights when "24" is on TV

4) Four Words: "Spring Break: Sadr City!"

3) Guarantee a 4.0 GPA to everyone whose roommate becomes a suicide bomber

2) Offer full-ride scholarship to every high school student that knows how to fire a Katyusha rocket

1) Move all the nuclear physics classes to Tehran




Ford Record Loss
Ford Motor Company lost a record $12.7 billion last year. But the company is assuring shareholders that it probably just left that money in its other pants.

Ford Record Loss II
Ford Motor Company lost a record $12.7 billion last year. I thought you could only lose that kind of money by fighting a war in Iraq.



Libby Trial
Scooter Libby’s lawyers say he felt abandoned and ignored by the White House as the leak investigation intensified. Well, that's what happens when you spend too much in New Orleans.





Cheney vs. Wolf
During an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, Vice President Dick Cheney said that calling the war in Iraq a "failure" was "hogwash." That's true, it really should be referred to as a "miserable failure."





NBC Treasurer Arrested
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the jokes away from Saturday Night Live.


NBC Treasurer Arrested II
The former treasurer of NBC has been charged with bilking the network out of $800,000, taking unauthorized trips on the corporate jet, and taking all the big money suitcases on Deal or No Deal.