MLK Day
Today is the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. federal holiday. It's a time when Americans pause to remember how Dr. King sacrificed his life so that we all could get an extra day to return our Christmas gifts at the mall.







Hanging Mishap
Political critics and Sunni loyalists are in an uproar after Saddam Hussein's half-brother was decapitated during his hanging yesterday. You know, we really need to find a nicer way to kill these people.






Rice Meeting
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she will hold a three-way meeting with the leaders of Israel and the Palestinian Authority to discuss moving the peace process forward. After that, they'll discuss the future of unicorn herding.







No Power
The powerful Midwest ice storms have left 330,000 people without electric power for days. And yesterday's playoff loss by the Chargers will probably leave millions of people in the San Diego area too emotionally scarred to turn on the TV or the radio for at least a week.




Bush Mission
President Bush says he must convince the American people that his troop surge in Iraq is the right move, but he also insists Congress has no power to stop the plan. In other words, the president must save Democracy so he can ultimately destroy it.


Old Satellites
Scientists warn that many of our global monitoring satellites are too old and in need of expensive repairs. But most Americans are wondering why we can't just replace those satellites with digital cable.




Top 5 American Fashion Industry Model Health Guidelines

5) Models should eat 3 healthy meals... a week

4) Build strong muscles and bones by only smoking weighted cigarettes

3) During fashion shows, provide healthy meals and snacks... and clean heroin needles

2) Two Words: "Multigrain Cocaine"

1) When vomiting, try to protect your throat muscles by practicing "silent heaving"





Bear Teeth
Koda, a polar bear in the Pittsburgh Zoo, was given a root canal over the weekend. Like most Americans, Koda is willing to live in a caged environment in return for a decent dental plan