Pelosi Takes Over
In a symbolic tradition, Republican Majority Leader John Boehner passed the House gavel to the new Democratic speaker Nancy Pelosi Thursday. Pelosi accepted the gavel "in the spirit of partnership"... and then hit Boehner over the head with it.




Partisan Cooldown
Members of Congress began the new session by discussing strategies to avoid the ugly level of partisanship seen over the last few years. They then adjourned to a closed door meeting where everyone had sex with each other.








Pelosi Family
Pelosi took the oath of office flanked by several of her grandchildren. Most of the other members of Congress were surrounded by their illegitimate children.






Cheers and Jeers
As Pelosi took the podium, Democrats cheered wildly. But Republicans taunted her by chanting the names of Pat Robertson and Muqtada al Sadr.






Miers Quits
Presidential advisor Harriet Miers is leaving the White House. Just a year and a half after becoming President Bush's first choice to become a Supreme Court Justice, Miers is now expected to return to Texas and go to law school.






To 5 Things New Alabama Coach Nick Saban Should Do With his $40 million Salary


5) Buy every home in the entire state of Alabama, then put the $39 million left over in the bank

4) Help his successor in Miami by putting a contract out on Don Shula

3) Give some of the money back to the school so it can hire a professor who can read

2) Buy some better term papers for his players

1) Why take chances? Pay off the BCS poll voters!