NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Gates in Iraq
New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says he's learning a lot as he tours Iraq and speaks with some of the troops. Unfortunately, he will now have to rush back to the Pentagon to oversee peace-keeping units being deployed between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump.






Denver Storm
The Denver area remains paralyzed after it was hit with a major blizzard yesterday. The storm is especially rough, considering how unfamiliar people in Colorado are with snow.






Ahmadinejad Setback
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's rivals have won a sweeping victory in local elections. Ahmadinejad has responded with a hastily-called conference on whether Hanukkah is a myth.





Obesity Cause?
Two new studies show that colonies of bacteria could be responsible for obesity. Stunningly, those microbes are most often found in bags of Twinkies and cans of Old Milwaukee.






Blair's Call
British Prime Minister Tony Blair is calling on moderate leaders in the Middle East to form an alliance against extremist powers in the region. And after speaking with those moderate leaders, he then contacted Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Great Pumpkin.