Johnson Condition
South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson remains in critical condition after undergoing neurosurgery last night. But it's still not clear if Johnson has suffered enough brain damage to remain in the U.S. Senate.





Top 5 Signs You're a Congressman or Senator Experiencing a Brain Injury

5) You think Nancy Pelosi's botoxed face looks normal

4) You're a Democrat and you've agreed to be interviewed on FOX News

3) You agree to meet with voters before they make a $50,000 donation

2) You just let Patrick Kennedy drive you to the airport

1) You voted for the war in Iraq


Thoughts for Johnson
Several Washington lawmakers are commenting on Senator Tim Johnson's condition. Incoming Majority Leader Harry Reid says he's, "praying for Johnson." House minority leader Jim Boehner says he is, "thinking of Johnson's family." And Vice President Dick Cheney says, "BWAA-HA-HA!!!"






Mount Hood Search
Nothing has worked as rescuers still can't find a group of climbers who went missing on Mount Hood Sunday. So in a last ditch effort, one of the climber's wives went on national TV and implored her husband to, "come down off the mountain right now or she's going to screw the mailman."






Food Supply
The Taco Bell e. Coli outbreak has millions of Americans worrying about the safety of fast food. Luckily, the Hamburgler has volunteered to hold all of our food until the panic subsides.






Ono Threatened?
Yoko Ono is accusing her chauffeur of extortion and threatening to kill her. The chauffeur insists he never blackmailed Ono and only threatened to kill her after heard her last three CD's.







Bush Won't be Rushed
President Bush said Wednesday that he was "not going to be rushed" into making decisions on a new strategy in Iraq. And why should he rush? It's not like the war in Iraq is something that's as pressing as gay marriage.






Trump Construction Halted
New York City's Buildings Department has halted excavation work at the site of a new Donald Trump condominium after a 19th century graveyard was discovered. Experts believe they may have found Trump's original hair.







Armed and Famous
CBS is producing a new reality series called "Armed and Famous," where celebrities LaToya Jackson, Erik Estrada, and Jack Osbourne, will ride along with police. Each of the stars is expected to eventually have to arrest themselves.