Bush Responds
President Bush met with the Iraq Study Group at the White House Wednesday morning and says he "carefully listened to all their recommendations" ... and after he heard what they thought they should have for breakfast, he left the room when they talked about Iraq.




Top 5 Iraq Study Group Recommendations

5) Frighten insurgents away by letting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears onto the streets of Baghdad

4) Lather, rinse, carpet bomb... repeat

3) Redeploy U.S. troops to a region where they're needed more... like Detroit

2) Help Iraqi people overcome fear of going outside by encouraging them to start looting again

1) Find some way to blame this on Jimmy Carter












Baker's Advice
Former Secretary of State James Baker, the co-chairman of the Iraq Study Group, said "there is no magic bullet" to fix the problems in Iraq... well, except for the one they could use to shoot Dick Cheney.







Cheney Pregnant
Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary announced today that she is pregnant. Further complicating matters is the fact that the father is the Rev. Ted Haggard.







Broken Up
Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have officially ended their relationship. But America is still on edge until they also announce they won't make any more movies together.








Cellphones & Cancer
A new study from Denmark shows that cellphones do not cause cancer... dashing hopes for the production of the new Blackberry combination phone, email, and chemotherapy dispenser.