Nicole Pulled Over
Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for drunk driving... infuriating Paris Hilton who said, "she's just trying to copy me!"








Oldest Person Dies
The world's oldest person, Elizabeth Bolden, died early Monday at the age of 116.
She had 40 grandchildren, 75 great-grandchildren, 150 great-great-grandchildren, 220 great-great-great grandchildren and 75 great-great-great-great grandchildren, so doctors are pretty sure she died trying to bake them all cookies in time for Christmas.






Bush Meetings
President Bush met with senior State Department officials, historians, and former generals on Monday. He was either hoping to get their advice on Iraq, or asking them to protect him from Dick Cheney.







McCain at Yeshiva
Senator John McCain made a huge impact when he spoke at New York's Yeshiva University on Sunday and warned that Iran is a "deranged" regime, Israel is in danger, and M&M's might soon lose its kosher certification.






New Outbreak
Nearly three dozen people fell ill in Cedar Falls, Iowa with symptoms of E. coli bacteria after eating at a Taco John's restaurant. Well, they always said they were "just as good as Taco Bell!"









Village Anniversary
For the 10th anniversary edition of her book "It Takes A Village," Senator Hillary Clinton writes in the introduction that the 9/11 attacks make her 1996 book even more relevant today. That's true... if only the hijackers had read that book, they would have been too ill to carry out their attacks!






Box Office Winner
The number one movie at the box office this weekend was Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto," which made 14 million dollars. It would have made more, but the national Neo-Nazi Convention kept most of the film's fans away.







Barney's Video
First dog Barney is featured in a new video called "Barney's Holiday Extravaganza," which follows him around the White House as he enjoys the holidays, plays with visitors, and launches a disastrous invasion of a Middle Eastern country that ends up endangering America strategically and economically for generations to come.






Christmas Tree Pulled
All nine Christmas trees have been removed from the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. It's not clear if this is because of cultural sensitivity or because God wouldn't be caught dead in an American airport.