Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Sex Survey
A new survey shows that nine out of 10 Americans has had premarital sex. The survey also shows that only one out of 10 Americans is having marital sex.

Goldman Sachs Bonus
Goldman Sachs Chairman and Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein is getting a record $53.4 million bonus for 2006. He has a choice of taking his holiday bonus in cash or getting 1.6 million honey-glazed hams.

Professor Spy
Professor Carlos Alvarez of Florida International University admitted Tuesday that he's been a Cuban spy since the 1970's. For four decades, he's been giving the Castro government valuable information on how to throw a frat party, and where to find good term papers on the Internet.

Johnson Recovery
Doctors say South Dakota Senator Tim Johnson's recovery has been exceeding expectations. Just this morning, he ate on his own, sat up on his own, and introduced a bill calling for a Congressional pay raise on his own.

Couple Q&A

This Sunday, the New York Times published 15 questions every couple should ask each other before they get married. Here is how one soon-to-be-married man answered:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

"We will adopt a hot 17-year old Korean chick I saw on the Internet. I will be the primary caregiver."

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

"I currently owe $117,000 to a guy named 'Fast Louie.' My idea is to stiff him as long as I can until we get accepted into the witness protection program. Does that work for you?"

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

"You will balance the checkbook, cook the meals, and clean the house. I will promise not to pee on the seat."

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

"My maternal grandfather believed he was Kaiser Wilhelm I until his dying day. And so will I!"

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

"I can be convinced to cuddle after sex, as long as we install a flat screen TV on the ceiling so I don't miss any important sporting events."

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

"As long as we maintain our subscription to the Penthouse Forum and read it together nightly, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what I want."

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

"See question #5."

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

"What was that? Sorry, I was looking at porn on the Internet."

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

"I expect us to worship Satan. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the Dark Lord himself."

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

"Wait, you have friends?"

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

"Well, I do think your mom's kind of hot."

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

"I hate how your brother makes me look bad all the time because, you know, he has a job."

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

"My collection of ancient mummified heads from the Mayan Age stays in the living room, everything else is negotiable."

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

"You knew I was a Chippendale's dancer when we met... travel is always required."

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

"I'm as committed as any man can be; ask any of my 6 ex-wives."

Al Qaeda Message
Al-Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri told the United States on Wednesday that it was negotiating with the wrong people in Iraq, and that Washington should be talking to his terror group. Zawahiri says he's willing to speak with any American representatives, provided they come unarmed and wearing blindfolds.

Non-Wheat Beer
Anheuser-Busch has introduced Redbridge, a new beer for people with wheat allergies. For years, people with wheat allergies have had to deal with terrible reactions when they drink too much regular beer, like dizziness, nausea, and hangovers.


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