NBA Suspensions
NBA commissioner David Stern has suspended seven players for a total of 57 games in response to the brawl that took place at the end of a New York Knicks-Denver Nuggets game this weekend. The suspended players will spend their unscheduled time off attending their paternity hearings.





Isiah Gets Off
Knicks coach Isiah Thomas was not punished. The league realized that keeping him at the helm is punishment enough for everyone.







Top 5 North Korean Demands at Nuclear Talks

5) Will drop their nuclear weapons program if someone shows them how to use a microwave oven

4) Set Kim Jong Il up with that hot chick from "Heroes"

3) Soft toilet paper

2) Get Condi Rice a better dentist

1) One word: McKimchi






U.S.-India Nuke Deal
President Bush has signed a nuclear deal with India, allowing fuel and know-how to be shared by the two countries. It's the first step in his ultimate plan to outsource the war in Iraq.





Ahmadinejad Hit Hard
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. Exit polls show the Iranian people loved Ahmadinejad's Holocaust denial program, they just weren't wild about his food, employment, and freedom denial program.


Ahmadinejad Hit Hard II
Partial returns from Friday’s Iranian elections suggest that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had experienced a major setback. In response to losing the midterm elections, Ahmadinehad says he's willing to listen to recommendations from the new "Holocaust Denial Study Group."






Crime Up
Murders and robberies continue to rise across the country for the second year in a row. Instead of paying for more cops on the streets, the Bush administration is calling on all Americans to embrace its "abstinence from crime" program.