Miami Security Scare
The FBI says the Port of Miami is safe after a truck without the proper credentials caused a security scare on Sunday. Officials are blaming a "language barrier" for the problem... none of the U.S. customs agents could speak English.


FBI Assurance
The FBI wants to assure everyone that the Port of Miami was never actually shut down, so no one needs to worry about where their next shipment of heroin is coming from.




Metro Derailment
A Metro subway train derailed in downtown Washington, D.C. Sunday afternoon. No one was injured, but Republicans are ecstatic that they already have something they can blame on the Democratic Congress.





Empty Chair
Even though he was executed last week, Iraqi prosecutors will try Saddam Hussein him for other crimes beginning this week. American lawyers are responding to the absurdity of trying an already dead man by saying: "Hey, why didn't we ever think of that?!?"






Dems on Iraq
As President Bush calls for more troops in Iraq, Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi insists she will not give the administration a "blank check" on military funding. But she is willing to give it one of those really nice gift cards with a big spending limit.





Archbishop Ousted
Warsaw's new archbishop resigned amid a scandal about his cooperation with the communist-era secret police... and by "cooperated" we mean he dated some of the same boys.