iPhone Revealed
Steve Jobs has unveiled Apple's new iPhone, a mobile phone that plays iTunes, surfs the Web, and finally offers people the option of never having to actually deal with a human being in person again.





Somalia Attack
After Monday’s U.S. attack in Mogadishu, American forces are searching for any surviving al Qaeda members in Somalia. Judging by our incredible past success with eliminating al qaeda leaders, I think it's safe to say that the terrorists are the ones who are still alive.



Santorum’s New Job
Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum has taken a new job at a Washington think tank because he says he wants “to contribute to the world of ideas.” And his first idea is a plan to deport all gay people to Brazil.





New Jersey Laws
New Jersey is considering cutting the word "idiot" from its constitution so people with mental disabilities will not be prevented from voting... and that's only fair since New Jersey has never prevented people with mental disabilities from running for office.









Football Champs
After the Florida Gators whipped Ohio State Monday night, college football has a clear and undisputed National Champion. What isn’t clear is how much a championship ring will help all the Florida players who still can’t read.



Somers Home Destroyed
Wildfires in Malibu have destroyed Suzanne Somers' house. To make matters worse, the only items firefighters were able to recover were 10,000 of those God-Damned ThighMasters.