Monday, January 08, 2007

Mystery Odor
New York officials evacuated a number of buildings and shut down some trains Monday after a mysterious gas-like odor was reported. In other words, it's starting to smell like New Jersey.

Top 5 Explanations for that Smell in NYC

5) The Jets, Giants, and Knicks all came back to town at once

4) Every taxi driver in the city simultaneously opened their windows

3) Donald Trump accidentally burned whatever that is on his head

2) Rosie O'Donnell dried her wet underwear across the supports of the George Washington bridge

1) This is New York City... that "weird smell" was probably fresh air

Herpes Side Effect
New research suggests that herpes plays a role in the development of Alzheimer's disease. That's a cruel twist of fate; you have illicit sex and then you don't even get to remember it!

Hussein Evidence
Saddam Hussein can be heard discussing killing thousands of Kurds with chemical weapons in a newly-released 1988 audiotape. But even more damning is the part where he talks about how much he likes Milli Vanilli.

New U.N. Ambassador
The White House made it official Monday: President Bush will nominate Zalmay Khalilzad to be the U.S. envoy to the United Nations. The White House is promising full support for Khalilzad, as long as he doesn't try to use a Koran when he takes the oath of office.

Stem Cell Breakthrough?
In what could end the bitter religious debate over stem cell research, researchers now believe amniotic fluid could provide the same benefits as embryonic stem cells. The only question now is: what are they going to yell about on FOX News for the rest of the year?

Box Office Champ
For the second week in a row, the number one movie at the box office was "Night at the Museum." Proving once again that Americans are willing to go to a movie about a museum as long as they don't have to go to an actual museum.

Croc Hunter Show
Croc Hunter Steve Irwin's final program will air this month but will not include the footage of him being killed by a stingray... which is kind of like only printing paparazzi photos of Britney Spears when she is wearing underwear.

Federline Visitation
Kevin Federline will only be allowed to visit his children at Britney Spears' home on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. On the four other days of the week he will continue visiting porn stars.

Big TV
Sharp has introduced the world's first 108 inch LCD TV, which is six feet high and eight feet long. Finally... something that will allow home viewers to see Rosie O'Donnell in the proper perspective!

What Women Want
New research shows that women think men with square jaws and well-defined brow ridges are good short-term partners, while men with more feminine traits are perceived as better long-term mates. Great... and I've been spending all this money on penis-enlarging pills!

Super Underwear
Scientists working for the Air Force have created t-shirts and underwear that can be worn hygienically for weeks without washing. Why couldn't they have thought of this when I was at summer camp?!?


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