Castro Near Death
Fidel Castro is reportedly in very grave condition. If he dies, the Republican party has vowed to begin ignoring the Cuban exile community within 15 minutes.





Obama Files
Senator Barack Obama took the first formal step toward making a bid for president Tuesday, as he filed papers to form a campaign exploratory committee. Now all he needs to do is come up with a campaign staff, money, and some ideas.









Iraq Timetable
General George Casey, the outgoing US commander in Iraq, cautioned Monday that the new security plan for Iraq may not yield significant results for several months. That’s too bad, because everyone in America is really getting used to all our quick success in Iraq.






New Audio Bible
A new 25-hour edition of the Bible on CD features the voices of Jim Caviezel as Jesus, Richard Dreyfus as Moses, Marisa Tomei as Mary and Donald Trump as Satan.





Single Women
According to a new report, 51% of women in the United States are living without a husband. The other 49% can't afford a divorce lawyer.






Tyra's Test
Tyra Banks plans to take the OraQuick Rapid HIV test on her January 24th show and reveal the results on air. That means the Orlando Magic, Dallas Mavericks, and the L.A. Lakers only have 10 more days to continue to have worry-free sex with Tyra Banks.





Panda Diet
Zoo officials in Thailand have placed Chuang Chuang the Panda on a strict diet because they say he is too heavy to have sex. Meanwhile, they're trying to fit his female mate with a thong.