NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday




Hamas Leaders Step Down
Members of Hamas' ruling cabinet resigned today to make way for a new coalition with Fatah. Like all retiring Hamas leaders, they each will receive a lucrative severance package known as the "golden grenade."

Each of the Hamas leaders used the standard excuse for stepping down: they want to "spend more time killing somebody else's family."



Anna Nicole Case Latest
A Florida judge is ruling on numerous requests in the Anna Nicole Smith case. He's considering petitions from 5 people who want custody of the body, 3 lawyers who want DNA samples, and two guys who just want to cop a feel.



Obama's Watchdogs
Presidential candidate Barack Obama says he wants help as he tries to quit smoking, and is asking people to inform his wife if they catch him lighting up on the campaign trail. They should also inform his wife if he does anything else crazy, like come up with an actual position on something.



Stowaway Squirrel
An American Airlines flight made an unscheduled landing Wednesday after the pilots found a squirrel in the cockpit. The squirrel has no known links to al Qaeda, but it is being interrogated at Guatanamo Bay just in case.

American Airlines says it decided to land the plane, not so much because the squirrel was dangerous, but because it was carrying a pair of nail clippers.




Freelance Unions
Thousands of non-permanent American workers are joining freelancers unions in hopes of gaining health coverage and other benefits. So in order to continue cheating those workers out of what they deserve, management is now just classifying all freelancers as "illegal aliens."