Friday, July 31, 2009

August 3rd

8: Roman general Tiberius defeats Dalmatians on the river Bathinus... thanks to the help of Cruella Deville.

1852: First Boat Race between Yale and Harvard, it's not known which school prevailed, but we do know some pretentious snobs won either way.

1943: General George Patton slaps a private at an Army hospital, accusing him of cowardice, and reading the Daily Kos.

1949: The NBA is officially formedas a merger of the Basketball Association of America, the National Basketball League, and the Overpriced Sneaker Conference.

August 2nd

1610: Henry Hudson sails into what it is now known as Hudson Bay, and discovers the bodies of several Gambino family murder victims.

1939: Albert Einstein and Leó Szilárd write a letter to Franklin D. Roosevelt, urging him to begin the Manhattan project to develop a nuclear weapon, and give physicists a chance to get a date.

1943: The PT-109 commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, was sunk off the Solomon Islands by a Japanese destroyer. Teddy Kennedy cables his brother and advises him to just swim away.

August 1st

1492: Ferdinand and Isabella drive the Jews out of Spain. No one in Spain has been funny or smart since.

1619: First African slaves arrive in Jamestown, Virginia. Jamestown police immediately begin racial profiling "teachable moments."

1790: The first U.S. census was completed, showing a population of 3.9 million people... which is amazing since there were only three bathrooms.

1907: First Boy Scout camp opens on Brownsea Island. The molestations begin immediately.

1961: The first Six Flags amusement park opens in Texas, helping to boost the state's dwindling supply of vomit.

1981: MTV made its debut at 12:01 AM. American teenagers haven't been able to think clearly ever since.

1988: Rush Limbaugh begins his national radio show. Middle aged white men haven't been able to think clearly ever since.

Jacko Druggo
Investigators looking into the death of Michael Jackson now say the evidence shows there's a chance the singer was a drug addict... a brilliant deduction brought to you by the same people who think Jackson may have had a few plastic surgeries.

Tax Burden
A new report shows that the top 1% of taxpayers in the U.S. now account for 40.4% of all taxes collected by the federal government... and 95% of all the Ponzi schemes.

Cash for Clunkers Broke
The $1 billion "Cash for Clunkers" program is already out of money after one week. The government says it didn't expect so many people to participate, just like it's not expecting anyone to get sick one we get socialized health care.

Red Sox Busted
A new report confirms that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for steroids in 2003. They also tested positive for really bad hair.

Pelosi vs. Insurers
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says health insurance companies are "villains." I bet those companies are wishing they hadn't denied payment on her last 10 Botox treatments right about now.

July 31st

904: Thessalonica falls to the Arabs, who destroy the city. Conspiracy theorists blame the Jews.

1498: Christopher Columbus makes his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, this time he remembers to bring Kaopectate.

1971: Apollo 15 astronauts become the first to ride in a lunar rover... but upon returning to Earth, they are arrested for DUI.

2006: Fidel Castro hands over power to brother Raúl Castro. Raúl now controls Cuba's only roll of toilet paper.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Knicks for Sale?
Cablevision is reportedly trying to sell the New York Knicks. Most of the most likely potential buyers are law firms that specialize in sexual harrassment suits.

Beer Summit
President Obama, Prof. Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley will meet for a beer at the White House tonight. But before they start drinking, Crowley will check Gates' ID to see if he's over 21.

Warm in Seattle
Seattle recorded its hottest July day ever yesterday... the mercury hit 54 degrees!

Continental TV
Continental Air Lines is installing live satellite TV on its planes so its passengers can be the first to know when the company goes out of business.

Food Stimulus
The good news is that the $787 billion stimulus program has helped most community food banks restock their shelves with plenty of supplies. The bad news is hundreds of food bank directors are giving themselves $10 million bonuses.

Food Stimulus II
A new study shows that the top result of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan has been to stock more products in food banks. Now, everyone can pack a long a snack for when they stand in the unemployment line!

Moldova Election
Moldova's Communist Party was soundly voted out of power in yesterday's elections. But the ousted party leaders have already been offered new jobs on President Obama's economic team.

July 30th

762: The city of Baghdad is founded... three suicide camel bombers immediately target the city.

1502: Christopher Columbus lands at Honduras, natives demand beads, food, and multicultural education.

1608: At Ticonderoga, Samuel de Champlain shoots and kills two Iroquois chiefs. In retaliation, the tribe refuses to cash in his chips.

1619: In Jamestown, Virginia, the first representative assembly in the Americas convenes for the first time. The representatives promptly vote themselves a pay raise.

1965: President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965, establishing Medicare, Medicaid, and the reason why every doctor's office is filled with elderly deadbeats.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Microsoft/Yahoo Deal
Microsoft and Yahoo are teaming up to creae a search engine. The system promises to complete the most difficult searches, with the exception of finding people who don't use Google.

Winehouse Theft
Amy Winehouse reportedly stole drugs from Kate Moss' handbag... police say it's a good thing Winehouse wasn't looking for food.

Chrysler Meeting
The new Chrysler board holds its first formal meeting today. It's first order of business will be to decide how to to cut union health costs by giving the UAW the plan offered by Dr. Conrad Murray.

Lucky Subway Worker
A New York City transit worker has won the $133 million Mega Millions lottery, but he's not impressed because his pension and benefits package is costing tax payers about $233 million.

Obama Road Trip
President Obama is back on the road again today to campaign for health care reform. But it's not clear if he really is trying to push for the bill or if he's just trying to find one doctor in America who actually takes Medicare.

July 29th

1901: The Socialist Party of America founded. It is renamed the "Democratic Party" in 2008.

1921: Adolf Hitler becomes leader of the Nazi Party, thanks to strong lobbying by the UAW.

1981: Prince Charles marries Lady Diana Spencer, then goes on honeymoon with Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Senate Health Care Deal
Reports say a bipartisan group of Senators has made a deal on health care reform. Both sides agreed to vote for the bill as long as no one insists on actually reading it.

B of A Branch Closings
Bank of America is closing about 600 branches. The way the bank has been going, it will probably forget to take all the money out of the vaults first.

Buy Michigan
This is "Buy Michigan" week, and the state is offering buyers some great deals like summer homes for less than $100,000, blueberries for $2.00 a pound, and retired UAW workers for just $500,000 in pensions and benefits for a year!

COPS Program Cash
The federal government will announce today which cities will be getting a piece of a new $1 billion fund for law enforcement. Most of the money will go to help the police departments President Obama thinks are stupid.

MJ Doctor Accused
Investigators say Michael Jackson's personal doctor, Conrad Murray, administered the powerful drug that killed the singer. Even more shocking is the fact that Murray didn't charge him a co-pay.

July 28th

1540: Thomas Cromwell is executed at the order of Henry VIII. Henry marries his fifth wife, Catherine Howard, on the same day. Howard decides she'll put out after all.

1865: Confederate troops make a third unsuccessful attempt to drive Union forces from Atlanta, Georgia. On their fourth try, they plan to bore the North to death with Atlanta Braves games.

1868: The 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States is passed, establishing African-American citizenship and guaranteeing due process of law... unless you're a cop who arrests a black professor from Havard.

1896: The city of Miami, Florida is incorporated. Local vendors immediatley begin to rip off tourists from New York.

2005: The Irish Republican Army calls an end to its 30-year armed campaign in Northern Ireland. U2 now has nothing worth singing about.

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE!!! CNN's Rick Sanchez is back in the news, so remember this from April of 2006?


IF CNN's Rick Sanchez had Reported on the Major Stories of the 20th Century:

Crash of 1929

"Folks, If you're walking around Wall Street right now, look out for lots of executives jumping out of windows... Seriously, this could be very dangerous."

Hindenburg Disaster

"Well, I hate to burst your balloon... but we have a terrible disaster to tell you about this morning. HAHAHA"

Pearl Harbor

"They say loose lips sink ships... so I guess someone did a lot of talking... HAHAHA!"


"There's only one word for that kind of blast: 'wow'... just 'wow.'"

JFK Assassination

"Okay, let's slow down the Zapruder film just at the point where the bullet hits the President's head... YEOW!! You know that had to hurt!"

Moon Landing

"Boy, there's only one thing that could top this Daryn... man landing on the Sun."

Nixon Resigns

"You know what's funny Daryn?... I saw 'Deep Throat' like 6 times and I never saw anything that the President should resign over."

Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty

"Well, we finally did it... we'll never have to worry about Arab-Israeli violence again!"

Challenger Disaster

"You know what I can't get out of my mind Daryn?... You know that teacher subbing for Christa McCauliffe is probably thinking: 'Man, that could have been me!"

Oklahoma Bombing

"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on those crazy Arabs"

Lewinsky Scandal

"I guess 'Deep Throat' struck again, huh? HAHAHA"


"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on Timothy McVeigh"

More "If CNN's Rick Sanchez Covered the Big Events of the 20th Century"

Russian Revolution

"Well, I for one am not upset. I could never spell "Czar" correctly anyway. HAHAHAHA!"

Japan Surrenders

"Of course this is good news, Daryn. But you want to know what I'm worrying about right now... what are we gonna do with all those extra atomic bombs?"

Sound Barrier Broken

"With all due respect to Chuck Yeager... I think my kids break the sound barrier every night when they play those Dizzy Gillespie records. HAHAHAHAHA!"

State of Israel Born

"I know it's going to be called the Jewish State, Daryn... but I'm withholding judgment until I can get a decent Reuben Sandwich in Tel Aviv, know what I mean?"

Ike's Heart Attack

"I guess now we're just HALF a heartbeat away from having Dick Nixon as President, huh Daryn?"

Tet Offensive

"Boy the North Vietnamese really let us have it last night! And you know it's a shock, Daryn, because the folks at my local Chinese restaurant are usually NICER to me during the Lunar New Year. Man, go figure."

Patty Hearst Kidnapping

"You know what I don't understand Daryn?... Why isn't there also a Symbionese Liberation Navy?"

Gas Lines

"You know what could stop this problem of endless gas lines at the stations, Daryn? The oil companies could start delivering fuel direct to your home!"

Miracle on Ice

"Well, finally we all have something to make us feel good about being Americans again. But I'm concerned about the other side of this story... people in Russia and Finland probably really hate us right now."

First Shuttle Launch

"That's one impressive space vehicle folks... but what do you think the insurance is for that sucker? YEOW!"

2000 Election Mess

"Well, it looks like they're going to have to recount all the votes, county by county Daryn. It's a job even thought counting muppet from Sesame Street would find daunting, I'm sure."

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Ben's Wisdom
During a town hall in Kansas City last night, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the lessons learned from our recession will help make the economy stronger... China's economy.

Ben's Fears
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says he begrudingly okayed the big bailouts last year because he wanted to avoid another Great Depression... and he really didn't want to see a remake of "The Waltons."

Census Mistakes
A review of the 2000 U.S. Census revealed that the count was actually too high. Census takers are defending the overcount, rememinding everyone that it's hard not to count each customer at Krispy Kreme as at least three people.

Comic Con Ends
This year's Comic Con was the best-attended sci-fi/fantasy event ever... which means hundreds of thousands of single guys are about to return home to find their parents have rented out their rooms.

Sarkozy Mishap
French President Nicolas Sarkozy was released from the hospital this morning after he collapsed while jogging. His doctors are advising him to drink more liquids, get more rest, and schedule a trip to the U.S. as soon as possible so he can be treated at a real hospital.

July 27th

1663: Britain passes the second Navigation Act requiring all goods bound for the American colonies to be sent in English ships from English ports... this includes illegal aliens from Mexico hiding below deck.

1694: A Royal Charter is granted to the Bank of England. Than Bank immediately applies for a taxpayer bailout.

1953: Korean War ends, but no one realizes it until the final episode of M*A*S*H airs 30 years later.

1974: The House of Representatives Judiciary Committee votes 27 to 11 to recommend the first article of impeachment against President Richard Nixon for obstruction of justice and excessive jowls.

July 26th

1775: The Second Continental Congress establishes the birth of what would later become the United States Post Office. The original document is signed by all the delegates, but is lost in the mail.

1977: National Assembly of Quebec imposes the use of French as the official language of the province... the law fails miserably when experts are unable to find the French equivalents of the words "eh," "hoser," and "betcha."

1994: Russian President Boris Yeltsin orders the removal of Russian troops from Estonia and 15,000 gallons of beer and vodka from his abdomen.

Friday, July 24, 2009

July 25th

1759: In the French and Indian War, British forces capture Fort Niagara from the French, who subsequently abandon Fort Rouillé... and haven't stopped surrendering since.

1909: Louis Blériot makes the first flight across the English Channel in 37 minutes. We've come a long way since then; it now takes at least 37 minutes just to get your baggage at the airport.

1920: The first transatlantic two-way radio broadcast takes place... the roaming charges are astronomical.

1943: Benito Mussolini is forced out of office... no one has been able to make any sense of the Italian government since.

Jackson Doc Raid
Police have seized several items from the homes and offices of Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray. But there's still no sign of Jackson's missing original face, skin, or talent.

Obama Slammed
Critics are attacking President Obama for speaking out about the arrest of Prof. Henry Gates, even though he did not know all the important facts. The White House is shooting back, pointing out that if President Obama didn't speak out about all the issues he knows little about, he would never be able to make any speeches at all!

Fort Myers Firing
The town manager of Fort Myers Beach, Florida, has been fired because his wife is a porn star. The Mayor says the manager's wife was making his mistresses jealous.

Jersey Sting
A massive sting in New Jersey has led to charges for politicians, businessmen, and even several Rabbis. Prosecutors are now simply planning to just put the entire state under house arrest.

Hamas Focus
Hamas is reportedly shifting its focus from military action to public relations... it's yet another risky investment in the New York Times.

Hamas Focus
Hamas is reportedly shifting its focus from military action to public relations... from now on, they're going to dress up cuter babies as suicide bombers for all their photos.

July 24th

1935: The dust bowl heat wave reaches its peak, sending temperatures to 109° in Chicago... SUV's aren't even invented yet, but environmentalists blame them anyway.

1983: George Brett batting for the Kansas City Royals against the New York Yankees, has a game-winning home run nullified in the "Pine Tar Incident".

2008: Barry Bonds has 756 home runs nullified in the "Steroid Incident."

1990: Iraqi forces start massing on the Kuwait-Iraq border... this tends to happen when the border is the only place with working bathrooms.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

July 23

1487: Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands strike against ban on foreign beer... proof that for more than 500 years even the Dutch have known that Heineken is overrated.

1567: Mary Queen of Scots is deposed and replaced by her 1 year old son James VI... making his breastfeedings really awkard from them on.

1847: Brigham Young leads 148 Mormon pioneers into Salt Lake Valley, resulting in celebrations, a parade, and the last public Mormon parties not ruined by the Osmonds.

2002: James Traficant is expelled from the United States House of Representatives... his toupee is allowed to remain on the House floor indefinitely.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Stem Cell Israel
Israel is now the number one nation in stem cell research, as it is now growing heart cells, skin cells, and even brain cells. But the Palestinians are still number one in growing terrorist cells.

Marijuana Tax
Oakland, California has become the first U.S. city to place a tax on medical marijuana. Luckily for pot users, the tax can be paid in Doritos and Twinkies.

California School Cuts
California's public schools are scrambling to cut $15 billion and still maintain education standards. As a compromise, the state is no longer requiring the schools to teach verbs.

California School Cuts II
California's public schools are scrambling to cut $15 billion and still maintain education standards. Luckily, there's little chance of anyone complaining since no legal California residents have sent their kids to a public school since 1985.

Obama News Conference... Again
President Obama will hold yet another news conference tonight to push for health care reform. Unfortunately, every time the president talks about health care, he drives up the nation's medical costs by sending millions of Americans to the emergency room with abdominal pain.

Obama News Conference... Again II
President Obama will hold yet another news conference in prime time tonight to push for health care reform... and help the sagging ratings of every network that chooses not to broadcast it.

Mayor in Trouble
The mayor of a Romanian town is in hot water after he wore a Nazi uniform during a fashion show over the weekend. The mayor's constituents are outraged that he didn't buy more of the uniforms for them.

Pubs Closing
The recession and a steep alcohol tax is forcing hundreds of pubs in Britain to close down. The reduced drinking is having a severe effect on English people, as they are all now realizing that having a Queen is silly and their teeth are bad.

July 22nd

1793: Alexander Mackenzie reaches the Pacific Ocean, becoming the first Euro-American to complete a transcontinental crossing of Canada... without first getting drunk on a case of Molsons.

1937: The U.S. Senate votes down President Franklin D. Roosevelt's proposal to add more justices to the Supreme Court... mostly because no Senator wants to sit through any more of those endless confirmation hearings.

1943: Allied forces capture the Italian city of Palermo, then hand it over to the Gambino family.