August 1st

1492: Ferdinand and Isabella drive the Jews out of Spain. No one in Spain has been funny or smart since.

1619: First African slaves arrive in Jamestown, Virginia. Jamestown police immediately begin racial profiling "teachable moments."


1790: The first U.S. census was completed, showing a population of 3.9 million people... which is amazing since there were only three bathrooms.


1907: First Boy Scout camp opens on Brownsea Island. The molestations begin immediately.


1961: The first Six Flags amusement park opens in Texas, helping to boost the state's dwindling supply of vomit.


1981: MTV made its debut at 12:01 AM. American teenagers haven't been able to think clearly ever since.


1988: Rush Limbaugh begins his national radio show. Middle aged white men haven't been able to think clearly ever since.