Jacko Druggo
Investigators looking into the death of Michael Jackson now say the evidence shows there's a chance the singer was a drug addict... a brilliant deduction brought to you by the same people who think Jackson may have had a few plastic surgeries.



Tax Burden
A new report shows that the top 1% of taxpayers in the U.S. now account for 40.4% of all taxes collected by the federal government... and 95% of all the Ponzi schemes.



Cash for Clunkers Broke
The $1 billion "Cash for Clunkers" program is already out of money after one week. The government says it didn't expect so many people to participate, just like it's not expecting anyone to get sick one we get socialized health care.



Red Sox Busted
A new report confirms that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for steroids in 2003. They also tested positive for really bad hair.



Pelosi vs. Insurers
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says health insurance companies are "villains." I bet those companies are wishing they hadn't denied payment on her last 10 Botox treatments right about now.




July 31st

904: Thessalonica falls to the Arabs, who destroy the city. Conspiracy theorists blame the Jews.


1498: Christopher Columbus makes his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, this time he remembers to bring Kaopectate.


1971: Apollo 15 astronauts become the first to ride in a lunar rover... but upon returning to Earth, they are arrested for DUI.


2006: Fidel Castro hands over power to brother Raúl Castro. Raúl now controls Cuba's only roll of toilet paper.