Knicks for Sale?
Cablevision is reportedly trying to sell the New York Knicks. Most of the most likely potential buyers are law firms that specialize in sexual harrassment suits.



Beer Summit
President Obama, Prof. Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley will meet for a beer at the White House tonight. But before they start drinking, Crowley will check Gates' ID to see if he's over 21.



Warm in Seattle
Seattle recorded its hottest July day ever yesterday... the mercury hit 54 degrees!



Continental TV
Continental Air Lines is installing live satellite TV on its planes so its passengers can be the first to know when the company goes out of business.



Food Stimulus
The good news is that the $787 billion stimulus program has helped most community food banks restock their shelves with plenty of supplies. The bad news is hundreds of food bank directors are giving themselves $10 million bonuses.


Food Stimulus II
A new study shows that the top result of the $787 billion economic stimulus plan has been to stock more products in food banks. Now, everyone can pack a long a snack for when they stand in the unemployment line!



Moldova Election
Moldova's Communist Party was soundly voted out of power in yesterday's elections. But the ousted party leaders have already been offered new jobs on President Obama's economic team.




July 30th


762: The city of Baghdad is founded... three suicide camel bombers immediately target the city.


1502: Christopher Columbus lands at Honduras, natives demand beads, food, and multicultural education.


1608: At Ticonderoga, Samuel de Champlain shoots and kills two Iroquois chiefs. In retaliation, the tribe refuses to cash in his chips.


1619: In Jamestown, Virginia, the first representative assembly in the Americas convenes for the first time. The representatives promptly vote themselves a pay raise.


1965: President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Social Security Act of 1965, establishing Medicare, Medicaid, and the reason why every doctor's office is filled with elderly deadbeats.