Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday
It's "Black Friday," and that means there are some great deals for shoppers today. You can buy flat screen TV's for less than $800, fancy bedding sets for less than $50, and the government can buy all of Citigroup and AIG for just $100 billion!

Mumbai "Mystery"
With Jewish tourists and Christian missionaries specifically targeted in Mumbai, experts just aren't sure who could be responsible for these terrorist attacks. Yes, it's a real mystery who would want to kill Jews and Christians... perhaps it's the Cleveland Browns.

European Jobless Numbers Soar
A new report shows that the number of unemployed Europeans is soaring compared to the number of Europeans who still have a job. But the biggest question is how the people doing the report were able to tell the difference.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Knick Trades
The New York Knicks have traded some of their highest-paid players to make room under the salary cap. This means the Knicks biggest expense is now Isiah Thomas' prescription drug coverage.

Subway Attack
Federal authorities are warning of a possible terror plot against the New York City subways. Luckily, al qaeda terrorists are not expected to be able to afford the coming fare hikes.

Black Friday Lines
Lines are already forming outside several malls and other stores. Unfortunately the crowds aren't there for bargains; they're looking for work.

Economic Panel
In addition to all his cabinet appointments, President-elect Obama is bringing a new 17-member economic board to the White House. A few thousand more bloated boards like that, and Obama will have this employment crisis fixed up in no time!

Turkey Pardon
The annual pardoning of the Thanksgiving Turkey by President Bush has been canceled this year. The turkeys are asking for a $800 billion bailout instead.

Bush No Pardons
The Bush administration is bucking the long tradition of issuing a heavy load of presidential pardons during the final weeks in office. Instead of pardons, it's just issuing billions of dollars in bailouts so most of the nation's bankers can avoid going to jail in the first place.

$1 Salary
AIG's CEO Edward Liddy has agreed to take just a $1 salary for this year. Shareholders still think he's overpaid.

Price Hike
The bad news is that McDonald's is raising the price of its double cheeseburger from 99 cents to $1.19. The good news is that it's still more than the CEO of AIG can afford right now!

Gates Stays
President-elect Barack Obama says he will keep Defense Secretary Robert Gates as a show of continuity in a time of war... and to make sure there's at least one person from the Bush administration he can blame when things go wrong.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Bailout USA
Now cities and states are eligible for money from the $700 billion bailout fund. So New York will ask for help shoring up public transportation, California will seek aid for the real estate market, and the people of Wyoming are looking for cash to buy some sexier livestock.

Really Black Friday
There will be some changes to the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving door buster sales this year. The stores will still open early, but the only people allowed in will be bankruptcy attorneys.

Winehouse Hospitalized
Singer Amy Winehouse has been admitted to a London hospital after suffering a bad reaction to some cold medication. Her body just isn't used to any substance weaker than uranium.

Winehouse Hospitalized II
Singer Amy Winehouse has been admitted to a London hospital after suffering a bad reaction to some cold medication. Extra guards have been posted at the hospital pharmacy and rubbing alcohol supply closet.

Mormon Dirty Tricks?
Gay rights groups say the Mormon church is hiding how much it really did to help the ballot initiative banning gay marriage in California. But the church says reports of piped-in Osmonds music being played near the polls in San Francisco are greatly exaggerated.

Green Slowdown
The global economic crisis is stopping many governments and businesses from "going green"... which is the nice way of saying most of us will soon be forced to eat coal.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Citigroup "Saved"
The government has announced a massive rescue package for Citigroup. Washington is demanding serious concessions from the firm in return, including a new requirement that all its investment bankers prove they can use a calculator.

The government bailot of Citigroup means it control the new CitiField ballpark. It also means the next Washington will have to bailout is the Mets bullpen.

Because of the government takeover, Mets fans going to games at the new CitiField
will see some big changes. Ticket prices in all levels will be cut, except for fans making more than $250,000 per-year, who will have to pay twice as much.

Late Payments
The bad news is more Americans are late with their car payments and the number is rising. The good news is none of the American car companies will be around to collect anyway.

Friday, November 21, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

The Citi Weeps
With Citigroup shares falling below $5, there's a good chance the giant bank could go bankrupt. Experts blame the company's bad mortgage bets and the huge salaries and pensions paid to its unionized ATM's.

Losers to Merge?
Citigroup, GM, Ford and Chrysler are considering a merger. The new company will be headquartered in a stalled armored car.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Car CEO's Blasted
Members of Congress are blasting the big three auto company CEO's for flying their private jets to Washington to ask for bailout. It's going to make things that much more awkward when those same Congressmen ask them for a ride on those private jets for Thanksgiving vacation.

Car CEO's Blasted II
Members of Congress are blasting the big three auto company CEO's for flying their private jets to Washington to ask for bailout. But Democrats forgave them when they found out those jets used eco-friendly fuel.

Bailout Status
If the big 3 automakers don't get their $25 billion bailout, Congress is still prepared to help people living in the Detroit area... by issuing guns to the three people there who aren't already armed.

Car CEO's Blasted III
Members of Congress are blasting the big three auto company CEO's for flying their private jets to Washington to ask for bailout. They could have driven to Capitol Hill, but none of them could find a car that would last more than 200 miles.

The big three CEO's all said they need exactly $25 billion. That's $20 billion to fix their companies, and $5 billion to fix the Detroit Lions.

UAW Private Jet
The UAW chief also took a private jet to the hearings. But in all fairness, it was a union jet, so there were 1,600 flight attendants on board.

Hooker Tears
The prostitute at the center of the scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is saying "I'm sorry" to Spitzer's wife. And to current New York Governor David Paterson she's saying: "You're welcome!"

Hooker Tears II
The prostitute at the center of the scandal that brought down former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is saying "I'm sorry" to Spitzer's wife. And to current New York Governor David Paterson she's saying: "See you next Wednesday!"

Alwaleed Backs Citi
Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed is sinking millions more dollars into Citigroup. By investing in Citi now, Alwaleed can expect the same results that he gets when he gives millions of dollars to suicide bombers.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Jonestown Anniversary
It's the 30th anniversary of the Jonestown mass suicide that left more than 900 people dead. It's also the 28th anniversary of the TV movie about Jonestown, that left 40 million viewers wishing they were dead.

Pirate Attacks
Somali pirates have hijacked their 8th ship in a week in the Gulf of Aden. The pirates are demanding money, food and a chance to meet Johnny Depp.

South Korea Students
In South Korea, 93% of high school students graduate on time... the other 7% move to America and graduate 2 years early.

Avastin Warning
The FDA is putting a major warning on the cancer drug Avastin, because it increases risks of blood clots... and its $55,000 annual price tag also causes heart attacks.

Cuomo Donations
New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is asking for political donations from the same Wall Street executives he's investigating and telling not to take bonuses for this year. He's also demanding that they bend over, get paddled, and say, "thank you sir, may I have another!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Yahoo CEO Ousted
Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang is stepping down. The company is doing so badly, it's conducting its search for a new CEO on Google.

Auto Warning
GM and Ford are reminding the public that if they go under, millions of American jobs will be lost forever... mostly the jobs of Americans who repair GM's and Fords.

Gift Card Slump
Fewer Americans are expected to buy gift cards this Christmas season... except for the ones who intend to use them to break the locks on their foreclosed homes.

Hill to State
Hillary Clinton is reportedly close to accepting an offer to become Secretary of State. She's the perfect choice for the job since as Bill's wife, she's knows a lot about foreign affairs.

Angry Docs
Nearly half the doctors in a survey of U.S. physicians said they want to get out of the medical business... but they're only staying in it for the health coverage.

Pirate Attack
Somali pirates have seized a Saudi oil tanker holding $100 million of crude. Well it was $100 million... after today's oil market trading, it'll be more like $35 million.

Somali pirates have seized a Saudi oil tanker holding $100 million of crude. The pirates insist they're not looking to hurt anyone, they just want to make sure they have enough fuel to get their Hummer to the next gas station.

Friday, November 14, 2008

New Planets
Astronomers at NASA now have the first pictures of four newly discovered planets outside our solar system. They were finally able to get the pictures after telling the paparazzi that Angelina Jolie and Britney Spears had left the galaxy.

Bin Laden Status
The CIA says Osama bin Laden is now isolated spending much of his energy merely surviving. Oh no wait, that's actually what the CIA says about General Motors.

Carmaker Lobbying
Senator Christopher Dodd is trying to drum up support for a bailout for the American auto industry. But the lobbying is hitting a snag because Dodd is stuck waiting for his Caddy to get out of the repair shop.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Saudi Goals
Saudi Arabia is sponsoring a global conference on "religious understanding." If all goes well, the Saudis will now agree to provide local anesthetic whenever they behead non-Muslims.

Parsons to Citi?
Citigroup is considering hiring former TimeWarner CEO Richard Parsons as its new Chairman of the Board. If Parsons gets the job, TimeWarner may finally have found someone dumb enough to take AOL of its hands.

Foreclosure Spike
85,000 more homes went into foreclosure in October. The banks intend to use the homes to house all their newly laid off employees.

Hendrix Drummer Dead
The Jimi Hendrix Experience’s drummer Mitch Mitchell was found dead in a downtown Portland hotel yesterday. The cause of death is unknown, but doctors say the fact that a 60's rock band drummer lived this long is a medical miracle.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Automaker Bailout
Democrats in Congress are demanding that Ford, GM and Chrysler get access to the $700 billion bailout fund. Americans are hoping that Ford, GM and Chrysler will use that money to make a car that lasts for more than 3 months.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says the failure of one or more of the major American automobile manufacturers would have a devastating impact on the economy... although not as much as the devastating impact crappy and gas-guzzling American cars have had on the economy.

Amex Appeal
American Express is now trying to get access to the $700 billion bailout fund. It's not clear what Amex would do with the money, but it is expected to simply pay off its huge Visa and Mastercard bills.

New Iran Missile
Iran test fired a new missile today. The government denies the weapon is intended to attack Israel, despite the fact that the warhead has been programmed to detonate only when it comes withing 50 feet of bagels, lox or chopped liver.

Obama's Rules
President-elect Barack Obama is barring federal lobbyists from donating to his transition and inaugural events. Instead, he's asking them to just give their money to GM.

GM Stock
G.M. shares fell 13% percent Tuesday to $2.92, its lowest point since 1943. Incidentally, in 1943 the price of a new GM car was also $2.92.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

AIG Bailout #2
Insurance company AIG is now getting a second multi-billion dollar government bailout because of bad bets it made in the investment markets. The bailout makes sense, because if there's one kind of company that can't be blamed for not insuring itself against risk, it's an insurance company.

AIG collapsed because its employees were too busy making terrible bets on the debt market. This is just like when the guys at McDonald's lose customers because the fry cook is too busy filling out his March Madness brackets.

Detroit Bailout
President-elect Obama is urging President Bush to bailout GM, Ford and Chrysler by loaning them billions of dollars. The American automakers say they plan to pay back those loans by charging a billion dollars a car.

A new poll shows most Americans don't support a bailout for the Detroit automakers. But most Americans do support a bailout for the Detroit Lions.

President Bush said he might support some more aid for the automakers if Democrats agreed to a free-trade pact with Colombia. He also indicated he might help if Ford started making a SUV with a deep-fryer.

If the government does take over the auto industry, it would help millions of Americans keep their jobs... but cars would no longer go any faster than 25 MPH.

Citi Action
Citigroup says it is hoping to stave off a possible tsunami of foreclosures by "reaching out to borrowers in residential areas of higher-than-average unemployment"... like the residential areas where there are a lot of people who just got laid off by Citigroup.

Inauguration Hot Ticket
Tickets for Barack Obama's inauguration will be harder to come by than any other inauguration in history... mostly because everyone attending will have the best chance of getting to the front of the line for another government bailout.