Saturday, April 30, 2011

May 2nd

1672: John Maitland becomes Duke of Lauderdale, Earl of March, and Queen of Denial.

1876: The April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria… a movement that first and foremost demands more accurate calendars.

1969: The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 departs on her maiden voyage… but gets knocked up even before if makes Newfoundland.

May 1st

305: Diocletian and Maximian retire from the office of Roman Emperor. Then they go halfsies on a condo at a golf course on the Isle of Capri.

1707: The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the world’s biggest chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

1987: Pope John Paul II beatifies Edith Stein, a Jewish-born Carmelite nun who was very a pious Catholic who never bought retail.

April 30th

1492: Spain gives Christopher Columbus his commission of exploration… but asks him to save all his receipts.

1803: The United States purchases the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. Tragically, we fail to buy hurricane insurance.

1966: The Church of Satan is established at the Black House in San Francisco, California. It now regularly meets at all Golden State Warriors home games.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Royal Wedding
Huge crowds are gathering to watch the royal wedding in London today. After the ceremony, they'll stick around for the latest violent protest against the government.

Prison Canceled
California Governor Jerry Brown has canceled plans for a new $356 million death row facility at San Quentin. Of course, there already is a $356 million state facility that houses California's most dangerous criminals, it's called "Raiders Training Camp."

Food Police
The federal government wants to severely restrict food ads aimed at children. That's consistent with the Obama administration's policy aiming to restricting most people from eating food.

Spain Jobless
Spain's unemployment rate has hit 21.5%... and the other 78.5% of the population called in sick today to watch the royal wedding.

Superman Defects
The latest Superman comic book features a plot where the Man of Steel renounces his U.S. citizenship and starts working for the U.N. His first mission is to help all the delegates avoid paying their parking tickets.

April 29th

1672: Louis XIV of France invades the Netherlands. The Netherlands sues Louis for sexual harassment.

1945: Adolf Hitler marries Eva Braun in a Berlin bunker. Guests give the couple a matching set of pitchforks to use in Hell.

1986: A fire at the City of Los Angeles Public Library damages or destroys 400,000 books. But since those books were in English and not Spanish, no one in L.A. was ever going to read them anyway.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Jobs iPhone Denial
Steve Jobs insists that Apple iPhones do not track the locations of all its users... just the ones with a healthy liver and pancreas.

Obama Birth Certificate
President Obama released his birth certificate to the public yesterday because he says "he has more important things to do." Then he left the White House to attend a fundraiser and tape an interview with Oprah.

Rescinded Invitation
Britain says Syria's ambassador is no longer welcome at the royal wedding... neither is the belly dancer Prince Andrew is planning on bringing.

Chrysler Refi?
Chrysler says it wants to refinance its bailout loans from the government. In other words, it wants a lower interest rate on the money it's never going to pay back anyway.

Save the Turtle!
The federal government is close to blocking a planned solar plant in the Mojave Desert because it may harm an endangered turtle. It turns out most of those turtles have their entire retirement funds invested in Exxon.

April 28th

1253: Nichiren, a Japanese Buddhist monk, propounds Nam Myoho Renge Kyo for the very first time and declares it to be the essence of Buddhism, in effect become the founder of West L.A.

1945: Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci are executed by a firing squad consisting of members of the Italian resistance movement, and people who liked their trains running late.

1970: President Richard Nixon formally authorizes American combat troops to fight communist sanctuaries in Cambodia, Laos, and on the Upper West Side.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sony Hackers
Hackers got the personal data for 77 million people who play Sony PlayStation games online. But it's not clear if getting the credit card numbers for a bunch of guys who still live with their parents is worth anything.

Starbucks Moves Up
Starbucks is now the #3 US restaurant chain behind McDonalds and the place next to Starbucks that actually has TWO bathrooms.

Cover Blocks?
Prince wants to make it illegal for anyone to cover his songs. Of course, Prince has taken care of that by not writing a decent song in 20 years.

Draft Night
The NFL draft is tomorrow night. For these top college athletes, it's like graduation... especially for the players who can't spell "graduation."

Poll Results
A new Washington Post survey shows that pessimism about the debt is on the rise... especially since all the pollsters asked everyone surveyed for a few bucks to help bail out the Washington Post.

April 27th

1509: Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict… he is then attacked by an army of angry pigeons.

1667: The blind and impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10… actually, it was £5, but he couldn’t see the difference.

2005: The superjumbo jet aircraft Airbus A380 makes its first flight from Toulouse, France. It takes the plane’s 500 passengers 75 hours to get through security.

Welfare Nation
More Americans than ever before are getting some kind of welfare. Boy, those Chinese taxpayers are generous!

Lockout Ended
A federal judge has ended the NFL lockout. The courts needed to clear out the labor problems to make room for all the cases accusing NFL players of drunk driving and domestic violence.

Lizard Case
A possibly endangered lizard could force all oil production in southwest Texas to shut down. Who knew lizards were Arabs?

Electric Cars Safe!
The electric Nissan Leaf and Chevy Volt have aced all the government crash tests. It turns out those cars are really safe because no one is driving them.

Union Orders
Labor leaders are telling federal workers not to vacation in anti-union states. Of course, government workers aren't going anywhere until unionized air traffic controllers stop sleeping on the job.

April 26th

1865: Union cavalry troopers corner and kill John Wilkes Booth… but mostly because they really didn’t like his acting.

1962: NASA's Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon… NASA’s insurance premiums go through the roof.

1965: A Rolling Stones concert in Ontario, Canada is shut down by police after 15 minutes due to rioting and excessive sneering.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Convicts in School
500 convicted felons are still working as New York City public school teachers. Hey, not every crook can get a job at City Hall.

Silver Surge
Silver is now trading at $49 an ounce. That's why they're out of real forks at your local Denny's.

Southwest Excuse
The Southwest Airlines hull breach earlier this month is being blamed on a problem at a Boeing plant 15 years ago... well actually, it's being blamed on the Happy Hour at the bar right outside the plant, but you get the idea.

Gifford Progress
Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is making steady progress and is even standing on her own... which is why her doctors are making sure she doesn't see the current gas prices.

Qaddafi's Compound Battered
A NATO air strike has left Muammar Qaddafi's compound badly damaged. But Libya is applying for about $1 billion in Stimulus funds and Joe Biden is expected to approve that request by next month.

April 25th

1847: The last survivors of the Donner Party come out of the wilderness… and immediately start working on a diet book.

1901: New York becomes the first U.S. state to require automobile license plates… and the first to encourage telling bad drivers to “go back to Jersey!”

1961: Robert Noyce is granted a patent for an integrated circuit. But Southern scientists insist on only using segregated circuits.

April 24th

1800: The United States Library of Congress is established when President John Adams signs legislation to appropriate $5,000 to purchase "such books as may be necessary for the use of Congress". Since then, Congress has only been interested in the books with dirty pictures.

1913: The Woolworth Building skyscraper in New York City is opened. Three days later it gets marked down.l

2005: Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog is born in South Korea… and is immediately sued by the estate of Charles Schultz.

April 23rd

215 BC: A temple is built on the Capitoline Hill dedicated to Venus… but the dedication is ruined when everyone notices her name is misspelled on the plaque.

1348: The founding of the Order of the Garter by King Edward III is announced… followed shortly after by the order of the see-thru bra.

2003: Beijing closes all schools for two weeks because of the SARS virus… and so the nation’s 4-year-olds can catch up on their factory work.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Buffett's New Bet
Warren Buffett is now actively betting against the dollar. He's investing in foreign countries like Japan, India, and the Obama administration.

Gas Task Force
The Justice Dept. is setting up a special task force to investigate any and all possible cases of gas price gouging. It's all part of Attorney General Eric Holder's dream of putting some white people in Guantanamo Bay.

California Taxes
California is seeing an unexpected rise in income tax receipts. The dollar is becoming so inflated, it's not even worth cheating on your taxes anymore.

Toyota Schedule
Toyota says it will get back to normal production in November or December... when it will start selling cars the glow for Christmas.

Netflix Pay
Netflix's CEO has seen his pay double over the past year... but he has to send the money back after he's finished using it.

April 22nd

1500: Portuguese navigator Pedro Álvares Cabral becomes the first European to sight Brazil… and thong underwear.

1970: The first Earth Day is celebrated. Later leaving the nation’s parks littered with discarded thousands of signs and banners.

1972: Increased American bombing of North Vietnam prompts anti-war protests in Los Angeles, New York City, and San Francisco… but in North Vietnam, people are surprisingly okay with it.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Apple Earnings
Apple's earnings doubled in the first three months of this year... mostly because it's now cheaper to buy an iPhone than to fill up your SUV.

Obama Speech
President Obama told a crowd of supporters last night that he's tired of making compromises... but he should probably stay married to Michele until after he's re-elected.

iPhone Tracking
It turns out the iPhone includes technology that tracks users' locations and saves every detail to a secret file. For Americans, this will finally help us figure out how many times we've been to the IHOP.

Dodgers Takeover
Major League Baseball is taking over the L.A. Dodgers. Commissioner Bud Selig will now approve trades, player signings, and what part of the 7th inning when fans at Dodger Stadium can start trying to beat the traffic.

Iraq Power
The good news is Iraq's electricity capacity has now exceeded prewar levels. The bad news is they're sending us the bill.

April 21st

1509: Henry VIII ascends the throne of England, divorce attorneys rejoice.

1792: Tiradentes, a revolutionary leading a movement for Brazil's independence, is hanged, drawn and quartered… but that was just because he wouldn’t samba at Carnival.

1963: The Universal House of Justice of the Bahá'í Faith is founded. It immediately clashes with the Hall of Justice and the Superfriends.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No Nukes
Plans to build two nuclear reactors in Texas have been scraped because of the Japan disaster. Also because of that disaster, Hollywood is holding off on plans to film another Godzilla remake.

Flight Fines
The government is setting up new rules and fines on airlines for when they lose your bags or delay your flight... but those are the only things United does well!

Manson Speaks!
Charles Manson has broken his 20-year silence to speak out against global warming. If released, he promises to only kill people with recycled knives.

Sex Change Demand
A murder convict in a California prison is suing the state, demanding that it pay for him to get a sex change operation. Because if there's one thing that will stop a bunch of inmates from bothering you behind bars, it's getting a sex change operation.

Turtle Case
Animal rights groups are suing the Obama administration on behalf of the leatherback sea turtle. As some of the longest-living sea creatures of all time, the turtles don't like what Obama is doing to Medicare.

April 20th

1657: Freedom of religion is granted to the Jews of New Amsterdam... mostly because the Dutch were starting to jones on matzoh.

1862: Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard complete the first pasteurization tests... don't ask how they got Mrs. Pasteur's milk.

1871: The Civil Rights Act of 1871 becomes law... but only for white people.