Friday, February 29, 2008

Harry Coming Home
Prince Harry has been recalled to Britain after news leaked that he had been serving on the front lines in Afghanistan. Now he's been assigned to far more dangerous duty; patroling the area between his Aunt Fergie and the nearest Twinkie.

Poison Found
A package with the deadly poison ricin has been found at a motel in Las Vegas. The only thing in Vegas that can kill you faster is the Celine Dion show.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Morgan Stanley CEO Pay
Morgan Stanley chief executive John Mack made $41.3 million in 2007. So for everyone in America who was wondering where the money they invested and lost with Morgan Stanley went last year... now you know.

Bloomberg Out
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg now says he is definitely not running for president this year. But even though he never actually entered the race, his candidacy still lasted longer than Rudy Giuliani's.

Bloomberg Out II
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg now says he is definitely not a candidate for president... kind of like Ralph Nader.

Bloomberg Out III
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg now says he is definitely not running for president. It turns out it's just easier to buy the country than run it anyway.

Neverland Auction
The Neverland Ranch could go up for auction in the coming days and could go for as much as $35 million. Whoever buys the property will need to spend an additional $10 million to remove all the life-sized posters of Macauley Culkin and Emmanuel Lewis.

The Neverland Ranch could go up for auction in the coming days and could go for as much as $35 million. But whoever buys the property will have to wait six years to move in while the sex crimes unit collects evidence.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ben on the Hill
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke appears before a House committee today for a day-long hearing. Each member of the committee is expected to ask Bernanke if he ever used steroids.

Campbell in Hospital
Supermodel Naomi Campbell has been hospitalized in Brazil. All nurses at the hospital are being advised to wear protective gear until Campbell is discharged.

Dem Debate
In last night's Democratic presidential debate, Barack Obama promised an affordable but optional health care plan, Hillary Clinton promised an affordable universal health care plan, and both candidates then promised a world made of chocolate filled with sugar plum fairies and unicorns.

Byrd Falls
Senator Robert Byrd is in a D.C. hospital after falling in his home yesterday. This comes after the paramedics accidentally transported the ancient-looking Byrd to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.

Florida Blackout
Energy experts are trying to figure out why electricity was knocked out for millions of people from Orlando to Miami yesterday. It's the first bad thing in 49 years that's happened in South Florida that they can't blame on Fidel Castro.

IBM Stock Buybacks
IBM has announced a rolling $15 billion stock buyback plan. This is much more popular among investors than Citigroup's $100 billion rolling writedown plan.

Ming Out
Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is out for the rest of the season with a foot fracture... Not a surprising development considering his foot was made in China.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

North Korea Concert
The New York Philharmonic Orchestra performed its historic concert in Pyongyang, North Korea last night. Millions of North Koreans rushed to the concert hall for the chance to hear the concert and then rummage throw the musicians coats for loose change and candy.

When the orchestra played the Star Spangled Banner, the entire audience stood up... oh no wait, that was the firing squad.

Nazi Gold?
Dozens of treasure-seekers are digging at a site in Germany where a huge cache of Nazi gold and other artifacts may be buried. The hardest-working diggers are from the History Channel who are desperately looking for another 2-3 years of programming.

Changing Religions
A new survey shows that nearly half of U.S. adults have abandoned religion altogether... the other half are currently worshipping Barack Obama.

10% of all Americans describe themselves as "ex-Catholics"... but that's really only 1% when you take out the Kennedy family and its illegitimate children.

Surgeon Shortage
Medical officials say most of the country is facing a serious shortage of surgeons. Even more serious is the shortage of people who can figure out how to fill out health insurance forms.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hawaii Rape
Oahu police say they arrested three men for gang raping a woman at the state capitol building this weekend. Usually, Hawaiians only get forcibly screwed when the legislature is in session.

Foreign Winners
Foreign actors swept all four of the major acting awards at the Oscars... a trend Academy members will continue in the presidential election when they vote for Barack Obama.

Passenger Death
A sick passenger died aboard an American Airlines flight when both of the oxygen tanks aboard the plane turned out to be empty. American will now add oxygen to the list of available items in the in-flight shopping catalogue.

North Korea Arrival
The New York Philharmonic Orchestra arrived in North Korea today to perform a historic concert in the secretive communist nation's capital. Starving local citizens are looking forward to hearing the orchestra's music... and then eating them.

Oscar Contenders
Tonight's contenders at the Academy Awards for Best Picture include films about a violent oil tycoon, a corrupt corporate attorney, and a coldblooded killer... of course that also describes the list of contenders in the presidential elections.

Nader Jumps In
Ralph Nader has officially entered the presidential race. He's hoping to fill the void for delusional candidates created when Dennis Kucinich dropped out last month.

E.A. Offer
Video game maker Electronic Arts is offering $2 billion for Take-Two Interactive... of course to successfully take over a video game company you not only have to offer cash, but find some way to get the CEO a date with a real girl.

Castro's Brother Takes Over
Raul Castro has officially been named the president of Cuba, giving him complete control of the nation's armed forces, economy, and one remaining roll of toilet paper.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Satellite Shootdown
The U.S. Navy successfully shot down that errant satellite last night. Apparently, it was the satellite charged with spying on whomever John McCain is dating.

McCain Denial
John McCain is strongly denying that he had an improper relationship with a female lobbyist in 1999 and 2000. But the news that he may have done special favors for a big business advocate is finally boosting his poll numbers among conservatives.

St. Patrick's Day Conflict
In what could be a dilemma for America's Irish community, St. Patrick's Day will fall during the solemn period of Holy Week this year for the first time since 1940. Of course this shouldn't be a problem, since Irish-Americans always celebrate St. Patrick's Day with quiet reflection, study and prayer.

Settlement Protest
Palestinians are protesting the expansion of a Jewish community in the West Bank... which they say is hindering their attempts to build newer and bigger bomb factories for Hamas.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Obama Wins Again
Barack Obama won the Wisconsin primary and the Hawaii caucuses Tuesday night, giving him 10 straight victories over Hillary Clinton. Hillary hasn't felt this rejected since... well, every night she spends with Bill.

Merger Still Grounded
The pilots are reportedly holding up the proposed Delta-Northwest merger, they're holding out for better pay, benefits, and a two-for-one drink special in the cockpit.

Atlantis Returns
The Space Shuttle Atlantis landed safely Wednesday morning in Florida. That means the only Americans still in orbit are Barack Obama supporters.

CPI Spikes
Consumer prices rose by a bigger-than-expected amount in January, reflecting big increases in the cost of food, health care, and running for the Democratic presidential nomination.

401(k) Ruling
A new Supreme Court ruling has just made it legal for millions of Americans to sue the administrators of their falling 401(k) accounts... because whether the economy is strong or weak, the court's number one job is to make sure there's always enough work for lawyers.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Castro Quits
Fidel Castro has resigned as Cuba's ruler. He wants to step down now so he can immigrate to the U.S. in time to collect Social Security.

President Bush says he hopes Castro's exit will lead to a truly free Cuba. John McCain is hoping for new economic opportunities. And Barack Obama is looking for a new mentor.

Castro's brother Raul is now expected to become president, but Hillary Clinton is claiming she has the support of most of the Cuban superdelegates.

Satellite Shoot Down
The good news is that the U.S. is all set to shoot down a faulty spy satellite Thursday. The bad news is that Dick Cheney is doing the shooting.

China Inflation
China's inflation has risen to its highest level in more than 11 years. It's so bad that Chinese workers now need to make 10 cents a day just to make ends meet.

Paintings Found
Four stolen oil paintings by Paul Cezanne, Edgar Degas, Claude Monet and Vincent van Gogh have been recovered by Swiss police. Proving once again that the only place in a museum where people really get robbed is at the gift shop.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Bush for McCain
Former President Bush endorsed John McCain on Monday, citing their common experience as Republicans, Navy pilots, and Poligrip users.

Recalled Beef Latest
Federal officials say most of the recalled 143 million pounds of beef have probably already been eaten... so there's something making us all sick other than the Clinton campaign.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Beef Recall
The government recalled 143 million pounds of frozen beef Sunday... luckily it was all in Michael Moore's freezer.

Kosovo Independence
Kosovo declared its independence from Serbia today in an act of defiance against Serbia, Russia, and American high school geography students who were having enough trouble already.

McCain Campaign
John McCain is on the campaign trail, trying to differentiate himself from President Bush on such issues as climate change, wasteful government spending, and being able to pee without Dick Cheney's permission.

Astronauts Coming Home
The 10 astronauts aboard the linked space shuttle and space station are busy preparing to return to Earth... a job now made much more difficult since they're being charged for everything but their first checked bag.

Penguin Book Banned
A book about two gay penguins has been pulled from a public school library in Virginia... much to the relief of the penguins, who say they just wanted their privacy.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Economic Hearings
A Senate committee is holding hearings today on the best way to make the economy bigger and stronger. The first witness will be Brian McNamee.

Airbus Casinos?
Airbus may convert some of its giant A380 jumbo jets into flying casinos. Now you can lose your shirt even if they don’t misplace your bags.

Guns in Space
The astronauts aboard the International Space Station each have access to a gun… because when you run out of Tang, it’s every man for himself.

Trade Deficit Shrinks
The U.S. trade deficit surprisingly shrank last year… mostly because Americans no longer have homes to put those flat-screen TV’s.