Hawaii Rape
Oahu police say they arrested three men for gang raping a woman at the state capitol building this weekend. Usually, Hawaiians only get forcibly screwed when the legislature is in session.


Foreign Winners
Foreign actors swept all four of the major acting awards at the Oscars... a trend Academy members will continue in the presidential election when they vote for Barack Obama.



Passenger Death
A sick passenger died aboard an American Airlines flight when both of the oxygen tanks aboard the plane turned out to be empty. American will now add oxygen to the list of available items in the in-flight shopping catalogue.



North Korea Arrival
The New York Philharmonic Orchestra arrived in North Korea today to perform a historic concert in the secretive communist nation's capital. Starving local citizens are looking forward to hearing the orchestra's music... and then eating them.