Strike Ends!
The writers strike is over, which means Americans can finally stop watching the steady diet of bad TV from re-runs, reality shows, and Hillary Clinton.



Yahoo/AOL?
Yahoo! is now considering merging with AOL. The combined company’s slogan would be: “Sure Google is better… but we were here first!”


New Help
Countrywide Financial says it will expand programs to help borrowers who won’t be able to afford their adjustable rate loans, are already late on their payments, and whose houses turned out to be haunted.



9/11 Death Penalty
The U.S. government will pursue the death penalty against alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed... by plucking every on of his back hairs out until he dies.



Winehouse Grammys
Parent groups are worried that Amy Winehouse’s Grammy wins might glorify the drug culture… they’d rather the Grammys honor all three singers in the history of pop music that weren’t screwed up on booze and drugs.



Clintons vs. MSNBC
The Hillary Clinton campaign may boycott MSNBC after one of its reporters said Hillary was "pimping out" daughter Chelsea. The campaign wants to make it clear that the only things the Clinton family pimps out are interns.



Spy Charges
Prosecutors are charging a former Boeing engineer with selling Space Shuttle secrets to China. Actually, he should be commended since the secret information he stole is the only thing the U.S. has been able to import to China in 25 years.